Any positive stories for those thst did badly at school but things worked out in the end?

[Biscuitqueen9636]

My son is in year 10. He absolutely HATES, HATES!!! school and eveything about it apart from being with friends.
Outside of school he is fine , follows our rules , doesn't get into trouble, has a lot of friends and is popular, he is a nice person, adults and children of all ages enjoy his company and he would make a fantastic pe teacher or something like that.
But .....he is going to fail all of his gcses and even potentially be suspended etc before then if he carries on the way he is going. He is quite a negative, insecure person, and as the years have gone on hes been put in lower and lower sets and now he is in bottom set for everything which he is embarrassed about. He genuinely finds the work difficult. Instead of knuckling down and trying his best for the last 2 years of school hes decided hes going to act the clown, not do any home work or revision and gets in to trouble everyday for messing about.
How do we help him with this situation? When we try to talk to him about it he doesnt want to listen . I know it's because hes overwhelmed and thinks hes going to fail so what's the point?
His teachers rightly so are sick of him so are not sympathetic. Plus he doesnt tell them or show them hes overwhelmed.

My other kids aren't like this and my husband and I were straight A students so find it hard to relate.
How can we help him and does he have a chance to turn this around once he leaves school?

He needs to find something he loves, my brother hated school, got into a bit of trouble when he was younger, my dad sat him down and said I left school at 14 with nothing and have worked back breaking 60 hours a week for other people with few options and the only way to earn more is to work longer hours. Don't do that to yourself. Get a trade or go to college, I'll help you fund tools, travel etc. My brother trained to be a plumber, he then went on to specialise in large scale pipework (more complicated than that but I don't really understand) and he's now training in blue print interpretation to take on large scale project oversight. He is 39, earns at least 80k a year and had no student debt. My brother was always bright but just hated school. Looking back I think he probably has ADHD.

Also if he's not academic and doesn't like school, teacher isn't the aspiration that will likely connect with him!

Eh yeah me! Was shit at school tbh I hated every minute of it

I did struggle through a media degree when I was pretty young and pass the thing just about

did random jobs for years and travelled the world

im now an accountant though I studied in my 30a alongside my full time office manager job and raising my little kids 🤷‍♀️

got there in the end

my friend was a bar tender for years and went back to college and now a very successful upholsterer

my husband only got his degree in his 40s 🤷‍♀️

I think you can do things any time op! I really don’t worry about my kids too much as I feel like they will find their own path and pushing them isn’t going to help 🤷‍♀️

Me - university
Recently graduated as a GP
Earns under 80k at the moment

Sister - university
Graduated as a vet 2 years ago
Earns under 50k at the moment

Brother - got minamal GCSEs
Messed around
Been a builder and now has his own business in the last 15 years
Earns well over 100k

looks like me and my sister really missed the boat while my brother landed on his feet

I just don't know what to do for the best now. We have tried every approach. Punishments, consequences, shouting at him, talking calmly, hes seen a therapist, weve love bombed him , and now at the moment I will admit I've stepped back. Our relationship was being very negatively effected and he actually said to me thst I only see him as a person based in his school achievements and nothing else matters

I just find it so hard to understand why he is like it . Why he cant just behave. He can obviously control it because hes not the same anywhere else. Hes always been a lovely kid at home.
When I was at school myself I would have hated someone like my son as he he disruptive and I feel sorry for the kids in his class who want to learn. Hes not the only one acting like that , there are alot ,

My very bright son didn’t do amazing at school because he was lazy about written work - luckily he did pass 7 of his GCSEs but a mix of grades including a couple of As - but a fair amount of Cs etc - got an apprenticeship in telecoms and network at 16, did his BTEC and has never looked back - he’s 27 now, lives in London, works for a high profile tech consultancy, always been in work

Pop over to the Further Education boards and read Bouncing back from poor GCSEs - in praise of BTEC (edited by MNHQ at request of OP) | Mumsnet

Try to engage him with next steps. Maybe even find relevant work experience if you can (may not be possible due to ages). See what would be needed for an apprenticeship or level 2 or level 3 BTEC/T-Level in preferred field.

Make sure he knows maths and English will have to be resat so effort now would make college so much nicer.

My brother hated school - bottom sets , not very academic and just frustrated by the whole thing. This is going back a few years now but the best thing school did was send him to do work experience as they didnt know what else to do with him. He didnt come out with any qualifications. He now works alongside some top scientists in remote locations.
I think the key is finding that thing that he is interested in.

He probably is now 'mucking about' as he is frustrated - I was talking to a student about this the other day and he explained he had done this to mask that he didnt understand. It was like a vicious circle. The school need to be working with him to understand what his barriers to learning are and how to help him. If you can afford a tutor they may be able to help work out what is going on as an independent person.

There are back door ways into anything now op, he just needs to prove himself a little bit more, apprenticeships, office jobs, manager jobs, receptionist jobs, horticulture, working in factories. My son is now working in a local golf course (wasn’t a golf person btw!). He loves it and I love now that when he walks around the supermarket I work in people who go to the course come over to tell me what a lovely guy he is and how he brightens up their day

Me! I left school with 1 A level (lowest grade!).

I went to university when I was 28 and finally realised what I was interested in. I went on to become deputy head of a primary school.

I didn’t like school and I left thinking I was stupid. As an adult, I went back into education and I now have GCSE, A levels all at grade A, a diploma, a degree and a post grad in teaching.

Have you wondered about him being dyslexic? It would explain why he struggles so much with school work, yet is bright. If he had an assessment it could explain to him how his brain works, and improve his self-esteem - showing him it's not that he's stupid, but his brain isn't wired for decoding written squiggles. It would also give him, and you, some strategies.

I've worked with some bright but struggling dyslexic teenage boys, and it's not too late!

What's his "thing" - sports? You said he would make a good PE teacher so I would lean in to whatever this is and celebrate his achievements there.

Some people aren't academic. It's demoralising and humiliating for them to be stuck in a school system which maintains academics as the be all and end all.

Agree it would make sense for school to screen for learning disabilities, if this hasn't already been done. But also perhaps he is just more hands on? There is a good podcast called SENDCast which talks about this a lot - the push towards GCSE qualifications for everyone rather than the more vocational subjects or functional skills qualifications in the English/Maths.

I don't know what the landscape is like for this kind of thing in England/Wales any more but suspect he might be stuck in a school environment at least until he finishes Y11, but it might be worth looking at local colleges for more vocational things to inspire him. Perhaps he could look at learning a trade. This would then give him something to aim for because they will have minimum GCSE result requirements in certain subjects and you could drop the pressure over other subjects. If it looks unlikely he will receive the GCSE grades needed, look at whether he can take the equivalent Functional Skills courses somewhere instead.

@Biscuitqueen9636 Some people here are not really posting like for like. Your DS won’t do any A levels! He’s a pita and will have to take what comes his way. I’m surprised if pleasant hard working boys are his friends. They presumably are sick and tired of him.

What to do? Realistically nothing. He I’ll just have to fail. He doesn’t care about himself or you. He must annoy just about everyone at school and I’m wondering if you have one of these more practical schools available? They do practical subjects. Not remotely academic. You don’t have many options really and post 16 his options will be limited. I’d start looking these up. Maybe look at building work or being a lorry driver? Get him into some work asap. He might grow up eventually.

My other half. No interest in school, failed his exams. Went to college to resit, failed again due to not even bothering to turn up. Did random jobs such as helping his dad on building jobs, driving a delivery van. On a whim, went and joined the army aged about 18. Did 20 odd years, ended up as Sgt Major. Left the army and worked as a contractor overseas advising UN/foreign military. Earned ridiculous money, but came home recently as he wanted to settle at home. Walked into another job straight away (was offered two and had to pick between them). One was to do with construction safety, the other with the prison service. Ex-army with a good career in the forces makes people very employable once they leave.

I think the post from @BertieBotts is worth reading and @OhDear111 's post should be ignored as at best unhelpful.

Get him screened / tested for dyslexia, and ask the school about general screening tests too.

Find courses post 16 that may inspire him.

If you can afford it and he will engage consider a tutor for maths & English.

Bribe him on behaviour, as it just isn't fair for him to disrupt others however disengaged he feels. Is he 'on report' at school? You could ask for that and then reward every good day / week.

I feel for you. We are in a similar situation. Just scrapped mocks. Nil motivation for anything. Lovely bright intelligent -likely learning needs just not picked up.
ours doesn’t play up but shuts down and spends a day in bed when he feels he can’t cope.
we are very much hoping that à sixth form college where he can do a btech or equivalent will be better. However day to day this bit very hard emotionally

He has his sites set on a trade .we are hoping he can get an apprenticeship or a place at our local vocational college to learn a trade. He is already at a vocational school that we moved him to that would be more hands on . Those lessons he enjoys and is ok with, but the academic ones are where he gets into trouble.
He is on constant report. Never comes off it. Today he is in isolation for the whole day. We have suggested tutors but he doesnt want to engage as hates schoolwork. I think hes hoping that by some miracle he will scrape a pass in maths and English without trying at all.

@OhDear111 he has a fantastic group of friends , none of them are troublemakers. They have known each other since nursery and have grown up together, they are all very close. His behaviour in lessons doesnt affect them as he is not with them, and he doesnt misbehave when he is with them .
But I completely agree, it is not fair on the others in his class and I support the school completely. I even said in my OP I hated kids like him when I was at school. I am devastated that he behaves this way at school, I just want the best for him . I hope one day he will understand this

Me, also.

Very poor final years of school (late 90's), although 'bright' I just wasn't bothered and hung out with kids who's parents weren't bothered either. I don't think my parents knew the extent of my skiving as we'd go in the morning and disappear at lunch (I know..), and as I worked from before leaving school, and wasn't a 'bad kid' generally I think they picked their battles.

Scraped some GCSE's but can't even remember grades. A few 'theatrical' CV's in my formative years, but nobody ever checked..

I've always worked, at least full time.

I've since paid for training/courses for myself here and there, but largely worked my way up over 20 years. Small company currently, but lucrative industry - very experienced in a senior management position, with great pay for a largely 'unqualified' person..

I'd like to say it's about work ethic, and finding your skill set, which it probably is to a degree, but honestly for me, I can and do work hard, but I've always just wanted money, and independent stability, and to be able to enjoy what comes with all of that.

school is not for everyone.

ONe of my children absolutely cannot cope in school (autistic) and I have spent quite a bit of time reading about people who have gone on to fame and fortune or even just become creative happy adults without doing okay at school.

I really do know the feeling but I think you need to try so hard to put aside feelings of what he 'should' be doing (ie. your own worry/embarassment/ shame etc_) - and look at where he may go in life. This is just a very small part of his life - the next two years are not even an indicator or rule about what he will achieve.

First of all - he is still young, has a teenage mind - I know myself that I did not think clearly or make the best life decisions until about my mid 20s - I took drugs, partied, took bad decisions, did badly at school - but from about 25 onwards I became really focused and hard working.

He can fuck up now and make changes later!

Is there a way to rmoeve him from the situation he hates - could he use online learning to get some basic GCSE's and look at vocational training?

@OhDear111 what a ridiculous post. You sound stupid.

I think it really really helps if you can try to be on his side even if that means you have to be a bit "rage against the machine" - it is tricky to do this while trying to 100% back up the school, and I wonder if you are automatically taking the school's side a bit, because school was something which fit well for both you and your DH, or you feel it's your job as the parent to back up school no questions asked. I think it helps if you can sympathise with him a bit about how school can be frustrating, or there are these hoops to jump through which maybe don't make a lot of sense. Because realistically that probably WILL be the case for at least some things, and TBH there are plenty of things in adult life which are tedious, frustrating or illogical but which we have to learn to bite our tongue and deal with calmly.

I like the idea someone had about trying to bribe motivate him specifically on the behaviour aspect, if that is the one thing which is causing the issue.

It's good he is motivated to learn a trade. Have you been to college open days to look at what courses they offer? Speaking to their careers advice person is also often a really good thing to do - you might be able to make him an appointment (with or without you, whatever you think would be best) to speak to them as they can let him know what grades he'll need for GCSE in what subjects and then you might be able to frame it as these classes are tedious but it's a stepping stone to where he wants to be.

I have just looked at functional skills again and realise they are an adult qualification and usually only available if GCSE is failed twice, which is a huge shame. Though there is no age restriction on taking it, schools don't offer these courses. There is some stuff which comes up about taking it as an independent candidate through home education. So that could be one alternative route if he does not get the required grades in Y11 - part time work and studying directly towards these qualifications rather than putting him through resitting GCSEs which could just be even more demoralising.

@Biscuitqueen9636 I’m surprised another poster said I was unhelpful - I do see he’s already at a vocational school. I did not intend to be unhelpful and clearly you agreed with some of my analysis, given your choice of school. How did he do in sats at primary scholl? How did he behave there?

Vocational is his route. It’s a huge shame he’s not mature enough to stop
his disruptive behaviour. Mn always thinks dc who are like this must have Sen, but I’m sure you know your child. Have you looked at apprenticeships? I think they want passes in core subjects. Maybe not. He might need to go to college to get them. I’d investigate this. Plus a variety of non academic careers. What does he like at school?

if he would make a good p.e teacher but likely doesn’t fancy getting qualifications for it in university.
What about ….
personal trainer
football coach for little ones