Autistic son has no friends

[HoneyBon]

My son is 13 autistic and he doesn’t have any friends and says that he doesn’t want any. He spends every weekend and holiday at home alone. He has no friends in school. I know im suppose to leave him if he is happy but I can’t help but find it sad. Has anyone ever been in this situation? He insists he doesn’t want any friends.

I'm sorry I don't have much advice

That must be so hard for you

Has he always felt that way, did he have friends at school when he was younger?

I know it’s your job to worry, but he’s surrounded by people all week, the fact he wants to chill at the weekend probably enables him to go to school each week.

I am in this exact situation op. I feel for you.
Are there any autism groups near to you?
My DC has never had a friend, and I'm not sure he'd have the social skill to have one.
At the moment he goes to two groups a week outside of school - on autism specific and one not. He is comfortable there, the kids are kind to him and he enjoys it.
I don't have a solution - I wish I did, but I feel your pain!

no never had any friends even in primary

My autistic son said the same, spent every weekend alone in his bedroom. Turns out he did have friends at his sen school, and now spends most weekends asking me to play taxi. Sure your son isn’t just saying he isn’t?

He wouldn’t go to any autism groups sadly, he doesn’t believe he is autistic (he is diagnosed) and does not want to go to groups for autistic children.

Does he have a special interest. Could he go to a group based on that rather than an autism one.

Friendship can look very different for some people with autism. It can be doing a hobby alongside someine and not much chat or interaction..

He might also find it easier as an adult as chikdren develop at different rates and if he is in a different place to other children, he might not get much from it.

If he is happy its not a problem but I can see why you might feel sad.

Trains and buses but I haven’t found any groups for that and most I’ve found online are for adults.

Ask them if he could join anyway, i doubt they’d say no.

Sometimes kids don’t have best friends but they have acquaintances and get through the day happily despite not mingling with people outside of school. Have you spoken to the school to see if this is perhaps what your son is like? Might make you feel slightly better knowing that he’s okay.
Rather than pushing for friendships I find that attending clubs for that align with their interests seem to bond kids (and adults). Before they know it they’ve met more people who share their joy for things without the pressure of going out to make friends.

Please don’t find it sad. Your child has told you he doesn’t want friends, he is happy for now as is. I really wish I had known when I was younger that it was ok to spend time alone and pursue my special interests. The consequences of trying to fit the mould someone else thought I should fit were actually devastating in my teen years. Please try and reframe this, you don’t need to feel sad when your child is happy.

I don’t want him joining online groups for adults for safety reasons sorry if that wasn’t clear I meant the only ones I could find were online and for adults.

He doesn’t have acquaintances he doesn’t speak to anyone.

My nt (sort of) dd chooses this everytime. It’s bloody annoying because it doesn’t always suit to entertain her when she decides she’s bored! However. She wants to be home. Good. Enjoy it.

Yes I know but I think it’s natural to find it sad, I’d worry if anything happened to me and he ended up alone with no one when he is older.

Does he have people that he hangs round in school with or does he go round alone?

He could just be so overwhelmed with school days that he has had enough when he gets home. If that’s the case I would listen and respect him. Maybe suggest hobbies where he does something that interests him but is around others?

If he always goes around alone then I might try to enlist the support of school.

Could he have been bullied and this is a reaction to that?

At 13, I had one or two friends at school, but not necessarily kids my parents would know about because I didn't talk about them at home. They were just school friends, lol.

I also spent 99.9% of the time at home. At 13, its great imo that he isn't running around being a menace like other teens I saw/see now😄

If he isn't acting depressed or seems genuinely fine with it, I wouldn't worry. You can't force him to be social either!

He has no friends in school and no not being bullied.

@HoneyBondoes he attend a mainstream school or a SEN school?

He has said he doesn’t have friends and doesn’t want any. The school have also mentioned lack of friendships or interacting with other children so I know it’s not a case of him just not mentioning them, he often says he has no friends and doesn’t want any. School mentioned his lack of friendships, lack of interaction with other children, preferring to speak to adults and not mixing with other children.

Mainstream.

My ds has friends at school but has never wanted to see them out of school. I worry about him spending so much time alone, it's not unlikely he won't be able to get a job in the future so will he just then stay at home 24/7?

Anyway, closest I get to advice is seeing if you can find any classes/activities he enjoys. My ds found the ones where he was mixed with adults such as martial arts the best - adults can be kinder and more flexible than other kids.

I’m autistic and have come across (online) a complete range of people. Some like me, find it very hard to make friends but actually want to make friends and feel lonely. I am only adult diagnosed and no social skills training available.

However, a lot of autistic people that I know are happy their own company. They don’t feel lonely, and resent being made to feel “wrong” for that choice.

Is your son managing things enough to get through school lessons, for instance group Work unless there are reasonable adjustments, and would he contact someone if there was an emergency? If yes then it’s just a question to find out which group he’s in. If it’s the second you need to manage your own feelings and not impose anything

I'm not sure how helpful this will be but your post brings to mind a conversation I overheard on the train last week. It was two teenage boys talking together excitedly about going to stand on a footbridge together to watch trains pass. I hope I don't offend anyone by saying they were both obviously autistic and had obviously only recently met and it was heartwarming to hear how excited they were to be out and about with someone who shared their passion for trains. I remember thinking how lucky it was that they had found each other.

Has he shown any interest in extracurricular activities? Clubs? Music? Drama? Sports? Or something not school related? Would you want to try taking him to some meetup events, like hikes or other social gatherings, that are more geared to adults but kids welcome?