Autistic son has no friends

[HoneyBon]

My son is 13 autistic and he doesn’t have any friends and says that he doesn’t want any. He spends every weekend and holiday at home alone. He has no friends in school. I know im suppose to leave him if he is happy but I can’t help but find it sad. Has anyone ever been in this situation? He insists he doesn’t want any friends.

Firstly OP you sound lovely.

it’s super hard when you feel there is a right and a wrong way and having friends is the right way. But I want you to hear this kindly. He is happy. He has shown no distress at having friends. Forcing him will cause distress. He already feels distress and many things.
Being alone at home is his recovery time. There is no indication he is unhappy at school and it’s fantastic that no one bullies him and they call out nicely to him when they see him. This is sadly not the case for many ASD kids.

he will gradually increase his capacity but it’s better to quietly encourage and sit back that try to force things on him or he will be ASD with childhood trauma which sadly is the most common ASD experience

I totally understand why you feel sad. I wonder if it would be helpful to find a way to process your own feelings.

Also, maybe plan some family things to do together. I get that you would like him to have friends, and perhaps he will in time, but for now he doesn't want to (the description of his reaction to schoolfriends saying hello in the street definitely makes clear that he does not want to make friends with them). On the other hand he is happy to do things with you (since you mention he would like you to take him to the library). So you could perhaps you could plan some outings, adventures or fun things to do together which could make the most of this time when he is still young and amenable to family activities.

There are real life clubs for train enthusiasts.
Some restore old carriages etc.

Your son, at thirteen, is old enough to join and learn skills.
Why not you join too?
Also fishing clubs and garden clubs - both join.
Horse riding trecks - both participate.

Doing some real life interactive clubs on the school holidays could be so enjoyable for you both.

Brockwell Park in south London (5-10 mins from Brixton tube on the bus)
Ruislip Lido (that’s a much bigger one with lots of jobs and volunteers)

I suspect my adult ds has autistic traits. He has never really had friends apart from primary school. As an adult he has a girlfriend but no friends, says he likes his own company. I too find it sad and always feel he’ll be vulnerable in life without the support of friends. It’s as if he doesn’t even need them.

There are real life clubs for train enthusiasts.
Some restore old carriages etc.
Your son, at thirteen, is old enough to join and learn skills.
Why not you join too?

Both this and the karate sound excellent. Another option could be board games. Do you have family you’re close to OP? Any cousins around his age? My ds is pretty sociable but there was a time in primary when he was bullied and spending time with cousins who he is close to helped so much. Would it work to have a games afternoon with board games or card games he enjoys? Even if it's just with you. He may well become less introverted over time.

If he is genuinely happy this way accept it.

I’m autistic and always felt unhappy with the lack of friendships but I know this and would be honest if asked. My autistic son says he doesn’t want friends but it’s a defence mechanism as he’s been rejected too many times (he has a couple friends now but we had years of clear loneliness and feeling low about that he couldn’t hide)

BUT I have an autistic sibling who genuinely doesn’t want friends, gets their social connection from family and is happy. For them socialising is stressful and not at all a pleasant experience and when others worry and push it just makes them feel shit instead of happy

Oh thanks I will take a look at this

No family unfortunately however he does have 3 siblings

Yes. My son is exactly the same. He's 20yrs old now and still the same. He goes to college and rubs along fine with his classmates but that's it. He has no desire to interact with any of them outside the classroom. He plays a lot of games on switch or xbox, but doesn't interact with anyone online at all. He has no social media either. However, my husband is the same. Me, I beed my friends. I'm a,social being. They are not. I used to feel sad for him, until it dawned on me I was feeling sad because I was imagining how I would feel in his situation. I would feel sad, lonely. He's quite happy in his own company.

Have a look at Transport Sparks

My 47 year old DS1 was not diagnosed with autism until his early 30s. He really didn't have friends in school but he did make a couple once he left school and did a short college course, and they have been friends ever since. He's struggled to find work because he really doesn't work well with people though he's fine alongside them. I worried because he was mainly doing a lot of physically demanding labouring jobs and I could see that becoming problematic as he grew older. Finally as of last year he seems to have settled into a job he thinks he can do through to retirement. He works as a courier, so he spends most of the time in a van driving around. His social skills are fine for the amount of interaction he has with people at work apart from that. Your son won't be a schoolboy forever.

Do you have a miniature railway set up near you? Would he be interested in anything like that? They are almost entirely populated by autistic men with a train obsession. They tend to own thrir own trains but there are work days and maintenance days on the track (you or your dh would have to go with him) but they're usually very welcoming to one of their own.

Is he happy?

if so, then leave him be