Autistic son has no friends

[HoneyBon]

My son is 13 autistic and he doesn’t have any friends and says that he doesn’t want any. He spends every weekend and holiday at home alone. He has no friends in school. I know im suppose to leave him if he is happy but I can’t help but find it sad. Has anyone ever been in this situation? He insists he doesn’t want any friends.

Thats because you have a different pov about what being alone means. It isn’t ‘lonely’ to him, it isn’t sad to him, it’s just what he likes.

He hates sports, and is confident enough for music or drama, I sent him to clubs in the holidays when he was a bit younger but he hated them and begged not to go back so I haven’t sent him back since.

DS (ASD) didn't have any friends through secondary school, and he didn't want any either. He's now working and finds it much easier to be more sociable, I think he find adults much easier than teens. Secondary school is very hard for autistic kids.

I'd say right now maybe helping him with what he might do for work - does he want to do something to do with buses/trains? He's still quite young but perhaps looking at apprenticeships he might be interested in, volunteering or work experience he might be able to do and finding out things that might help him to get the job in the future. I would be clear that train driving is incredibly difficult and competitive so definitely consider getting other experience first if that's what he wants to do eventually.

My ex is autistic. I wish so much that his parents had accepted that he was perfectly happy on his own and didn't need a set of friends, or that he didn't have to have a partner or a family.

Instead he now finds himself with children of his own that completely overwhelm him most of the time. It's a sensory overload! He was a terrible partner and is a terrible dad, but I know understand that it's not his fault. It's how he's wired.

He is just one of those people who not only doesn't need other people in his life, but also shouldn't have had them. He would have been much happier on his own.

Yes I don’t think his parents can be blamed for him having kids though?

@HoneyBonif he is attending school it is highly improbable that he doesn’t talk or interact with anyone. It’s just what we see as ‘friendship’ is maybe not how he sees it. I have autistic sons (now grown) who found life concerning friendships easier as they got older. They found people who had the same interests and reflected their personality types.

I also teach in an SEN school and I would say parents worry more about friendships than the boys sat in front of me. They are exhausted after a week on show (I imagine even more so for your son at a mainstream) Does he have thrive sessions? Counsellor? Lego therapy? What interventions does he have?

If he is genuinely happy and ok with life I would wait for him to say. You could talk to school but he may not thank you for it.

He is more interested in buses but he likes both. He wants to be a bus driver.

No none of them, he has a ehcp but the school don’t follow it. Hes put in a sen group thats where he does his work as he wasn’t coping in the mainstream classrooms.

Sorry to be brutal. This is unlikely to change as he grows older. If he has one good friend in his twenties, he will be doing well. For now, the best way forward is not to force it as this will make it ten times worse. Just be casual about his life choices. All he wants is a bit of support and a loving but neuro typical mum trying to persuade him that she knows more about what he needs than he does is a recipe for disaster.

I have worked in supported living and hospitals for people with autism and we were taught that part of the ND is that they do not see any need for social contact. I used to work with people who had their specific interests and that was it, and they had their routine and that made them feel secure, and they live their lives like this and thrive. It might just be how he is...

Do you have any narrow gauge railways near you? We have one that on tracks around a field, and used to have another that chugged through the local woodland. They are normally run by retired people, but I know one of them has younger people that help sometimes. You might have to stay with him due to his age, and they almost certainly wouldn't let him drive the trains till he was 18, but they might well let him help with jobs in the shed, or cleaning, setting up for running days etc.

I am sorry that your DS has no friends. It is heartbreaking. Speak to the school, it is the schools duty to provide pastoral care for your DS.

One of the reasons we chose my DGDs school was because of their ethos on pastoral care.

The school is useless unfortunately

I don’t think we do? I am in London

It’s not easy but can you move him? You say the school is useless, he deserves better then.
How would he feel about moving?

He does not want to move schools. He does not like change.

It’s not heartbreaking it’s absolutely fine for someone to decide they don’t want friends.

@HoneyBon then you need to sort that as a priority. It’s a legal document. You are your son’s advocate and he gets to do this once. Why be so apathetic?

Sort what? I’m the one that got the ehcp, I’m the one that applied for it as the school was never going to, I’ve had multiple meetings with them over it. Nothing changes and he does not want to move schools.

That makes sense! What is to be done then? PPs, have said his way of experiencing his situation may not be the sad situation that he does not have friends.

Years ago, a friend of mine, her DS quite profoundly on the spectrum, did not have a concept of friendship as we do. He is now a
33 year old man, living independently, still in his zone of interest, gaming. He works in the local games shop and has done for many years.

Such a nice young man, but he really doesn’t experience friendship as we do and he is as
happy as they come.

The likelihood is he's telling you he doesn't want any friends because he's feeling he can't make friends, so its self protection to rationalise it as he doesn't want any. But - would he consider theatre? Lots of ND kids find their tribe. Ditto things like LARP, D&D. There are people who will value him, just got to go find them. It's a horrible thing to see your child alone.

No I don’t think it’s that, when I’m out with him lots of kids recognise him from school and call over and say hello and try to chat to him and he looks horrified! Like he can’t wait to get away from them

The trouble is you are looking at this from a neurotypical point of view. Neurotypical people grow up acquiring social skills naturally and understanding people without having to think about it, and as a consequence, know (usually) how to behave in any given social situation, which includes making friends and maintaining friendships.

For those with autism the world is a confusing place, as they do not acquire these skills automatically. Trying to navigate the plethora of unwritten social rules and niceties is hugely confusing, immensely stressful and often scary.

Autistic people don't have the same need for friendship and social interaction that those of us who are neurotypical do. They are wired completely differently and are happy spending time following their regular routines, engaging in their special interests and hobbies on their own.

School (and especially a mainstream one) will already be stressful enough for your son, being surrounded by people all day, so he needs his downtime at home on his own to relax and unwind, and feel secure.

As he gets older he may change, but for the moment I would listen to him and leave him be.

It's ok if he doesn't want friends (kind of a superpowers if he's genuinely content). But there are logical reasons to pursue a social network. Try explaining to him that it's useful and why and see what he says.

If he still doesn't care then try to accept he just doesn't.

It was very much drummed into him that having kids is "what you do". I guess it was a generational thing. That was the norm.

I suppose what I was trying to say was that some people, especially some autistic people, really need to be on their own and don't place the value of friendships as highly as others. Your son might well have lots of acquaintances who he talks to here and there, but none that he would consider friends. That's absolutely fine.