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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Autistic son has no friends

91 replies

HoneyBon · 25/01/2026 18:57

My son is 13 autistic and he doesn’t have any friends and says that he doesn’t want any. He spends every weekend and holiday at home alone. He has no friends in school. I know im suppose to leave him if he is happy but I can’t help but find it sad. Has anyone ever been in this situation? He insists he doesn’t want any friends.

OP posts:
Happymama11 · 25/01/2026 21:45

I have an autistic 13 year old dd. She is completely happy at home or with me. She has friends at school who she will sit with but will not see them out of school even if they ask her. She sees school and home as totally separate.
I tried for so long to change her mind on this and encourage her to have friends over which just let to overstimulation and unhappiness from her.
She is so happy at home doing her hobbies with no social expectations.
I do worry about the future and constantly worry about something happening to me and her having no one who understands her.

Letsgo2026 · 25/01/2026 21:55

Notsandwiches · 25/01/2026 21:25

The likelihood is he's telling you he doesn't want any friends because he's feeling he can't make friends, so its self protection to rationalise it as he doesn't want any. But - would he consider theatre? Lots of ND kids find their tribe. Ditto things like LARP, D&D. There are people who will value him, just got to go find them. It's a horrible thing to see your child alone.

I appreciate that you mean well and are speaking with kindness, but this can actually be quite negative for someone with autism.

He likely sees friendship differently, and won’t see things the same way. Pushing someone with autism to “find their tribe” can actually be really harmful as it really isn’t that easy for the majority of them. It is likely to lead to confidence and self worth issues as they are made to feel they should have friends but struggle to actually make them as it isn’t that simple for people with autism.

As someone who was very similar to OPs son, I would advise that you gently ask but certainly don’t push, and accept what he says in terms of friends and groups. That will help build his confidence in being accepted as he is.

Otherwise, you can run the risk of mental health issues and making him not feel happy in who he is.

NT people will think it’s sad and lonely that he has no friends but he is unlikely to view things the same way.

Original poster
HoneyBon · 25/01/2026 22:00

Happymama11 · 25/01/2026 21:45

I have an autistic 13 year old dd. She is completely happy at home or with me. She has friends at school who she will sit with but will not see them out of school even if they ask her. She sees school and home as totally separate.
I tried for so long to change her mind on this and encourage her to have friends over which just let to overstimulation and unhappiness from her.
She is so happy at home doing her hobbies with no social expectations.
I do worry about the future and constantly worry about something happening to me and her having no one who understands her.

That’s slightly different as she has friends at school, he doesn’t have any at school at all. I wouldn’t mind it so much if he did.

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Letsgo2026 · 25/01/2026 22:03

OP is your son actually upset? Or is he content with how things are? I wonder whether there is some projection with everyone that would be lonely/sad without friends automatically assuming that he must be. It may be the case that he is content with his life and situation at the moment.

Original poster
HoneyBon · 25/01/2026 22:08

Letsgo2026 · 25/01/2026 22:03

OP is your son actually upset? Or is he content with how things are? I wonder whether there is some projection with everyone that would be lonely/sad without friends automatically assuming that he must be. It may be the case that he is content with his life and situation at the moment.

No he is not sad and yes this is more about me feeling sad for him I would love him to have a group of mates he meets up with on the weekend or after school, I won’t be around forever and I’m worried when I’m gone he will have no one (as an adult)

OP posts:
stichguru · 25/01/2026 22:12

There are quite a few around London. Might be worth a Google.

Letsgo2026 · 25/01/2026 22:17

I completely understand those feelings, and I have a similar DS that I worry about. However, having been that autistic child, I was actually really happy as I was.
What made me anxious and depressed was feeling like I needed to fit in and make friends and struggling to do so. I wish I could take back all those years of hurt. As an adult, I’ve now decided to leave the friendship side of things, and am much happier for it. I see similar every day on autism sites and groups.

I think you’re probably doing a wonderful job providing a safe, loving home for your DS. By supporting him you can build his confidence and self worth which will be priceless for him generally and building his independence. It’s always good to suggest things, but take the lead from him if he is happy - you’re obviously doing a great job and he is doing well.

sundayvibeswig22 · 25/01/2026 22:30

Op I understand why you’re worrying but you’re coming from a neurotypical (I’m assuming) pov. Often, (but not always as autistic people can also be socially motivated) autistic people are not motivated to have friends. It’s just not what motivates them. If he’s saying his happy, and appears happy and content I would try and stop worrying. Let him be, but he may want friends in the future so leave the door open to support him in the if and when he needs it.

crazystar · 25/01/2026 22:31

I have a non autistic teen and is the same

Original poster
HoneyBon · 25/01/2026 23:04

crazystar · 25/01/2026 22:31

I have a non autistic teen and is the same

Have they said the reason why they don’t want any friends?

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Original poster
HoneyBon · 25/01/2026 23:04

thanks for the comments I will leave him to as he is happy

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BoredZelda · 25/01/2026 23:07

If he says he’s ok, and there is nothing you can take from his behaviour that he isn’t, then leave him be. He’ll find his tribe eventually, but school can be exhausting, let him chill at home.

Break4Love · 25/01/2026 23:15

bowda · 25/01/2026 19:39

Please don’t find it sad. Your child has told you he doesn’t want friends, he is happy for now as is. I really wish I had known when I was younger that it was ok to spend time alone and pursue my special interests. The consequences of trying to fit the mould someone else thought I should fit were actually devastating in my teen years. Please try and reframe this, you don’t need to feel sad when your child is happy.

Thanks for the comment. I'm in a similar position to the op but my dd also doesn't go to school. She has retained one friend from primary (she's now 14) but they meet up maybe 3 times a year. Dd is happy and tells me she doesn't want friends. My therapist routinely drummed it into me over the last few years how important it was to not project my own feelings about it on to her and I've really done my best. Your post has given me hope that I'm doing the right thing. 🥰

olderbutwiser · 25/01/2026 23:16

DS is 35, and undiagnosed because he chose not to be. Growing up he had very few friends, and now he has only one sort-of friend who he shares a flat with.

This seems to be fine by him. He has a loose affiliation with some online gamers who are his ‘tribe’.

I found it tough when he was growing up, he could see that others had friends while he was alone, and this made him vulnerable to some mild bullying. It was obvious he was being left out of parties and so forth too. He was unable to compromise (eg couldn’t pretend anything other than contempt for team sports in a world where football was king).

But now he is an adult he seems content and safe. I do find it hard, but I have learned not to judge him by my own standards.

Clingfilm · 25/01/2026 23:25

My older teen is the same, and I'm fine with it as he's perfectly content. He now goes to an autism group but doesn't even mix properly there. I'm happy that he's happy, that's all I could wish for.

Original poster
HoneyBon · 26/01/2026 14:51

Thanks all, I guess it’s just little things like today he wants to go to the library to print something but he is too scared to go alone, I wish he had some mates to go with I think it would give him some confidence just that type of thing, now he is upset with me that I’m unable to take him to the library today because I’m busy.

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stomachamelon · 26/01/2026 19:55

Why is he scared?
I know you said you had fought for his ehcp and that he is in a sen group but he is obviously struggling with diagnosis and coming to terms with what that looks and feels like. One of my sons really struggled with feeling isolated and perceived difference. Can you speak to HOY or senco and see what is on offer? Bring it up at his annual review. Schools are supposed to take a more rounded approach to education eg social needs as well.

If you don’t want to move him and he doesn’t want to leave then he has a long time left there and you have the ability to engage local authorities.

starrylightts · 26/01/2026 20:06

When you have the time OP I'd try to build up his confidence doing things for himself. We had to do the same with DS, breaking things down into small manageable chunks until he had the confidence to do it completely by himself. Things like getting the bus or train or going to town, buying things in the supermarket or cafe. Definitely try to slowly increase his independence. It will be so important to his future.

Original poster
HoneyBon · 26/01/2026 20:07

He’s scared of his own shadow, doesnt go out alone, won’t walk to school alone (I still have to take him) wouldnt go to the library alone as he won’t go out alone and won’t speak to the staff / would be anxious if they approached him

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Original poster
HoneyBon · 26/01/2026 20:09

starrylightts · 26/01/2026 20:06

When you have the time OP I'd try to build up his confidence doing things for himself. We had to do the same with DS, breaking things down into small manageable chunks until he had the confidence to do it completely by himself. Things like getting the bus or train or going to town, buying things in the supermarket or cafe. Definitely try to slowly increase his independence. It will be so important to his future.

He’d never do that not a chance

OP posts:
deste · 26/01/2026 20:10

Can he join a drama group, we have a few children in our groups and they are fantastic at learning lines and acting. Like someone said above the other children dont seem to notice and they all mix in together.

Original poster
HoneyBon · 26/01/2026 20:14

deste · 26/01/2026 20:10

Can he join a drama group, we have a few children in our groups and they are fantastic at learning lines and acting. Like someone said above the other children dont seem to notice and they all mix in together.

He would hate something like that sadly he isn’t confident speaking around people

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Letsgo2026 · 26/01/2026 20:15

Would your son like something like karate? It’s fairly repetitive and very organised. You are either working independently or with one other person, so not a big overwhelming team feel.

My DC absolutely loves it, and it seems to be popular with autistic children. It’s also great for building confidence etc.

A lot of places will do a free taster session. It’s worth really looking at different dojos as finding a good one is worth its weight in gold

deste · 26/01/2026 20:16

They are all quiet to begin with and if you explained the situation to the teachers he would be accomodated.

Original poster
HoneyBon · 26/01/2026 20:21

Letsgo2026 · 26/01/2026 20:15

Would your son like something like karate? It’s fairly repetitive and very organised. You are either working independently or with one other person, so not a big overwhelming team feel.

My DC absolutely loves it, and it seems to be popular with autistic children. It’s also great for building confidence etc.

A lot of places will do a free taster session. It’s worth really looking at different dojos as finding a good one is worth its weight in gold

I think this could be something he may be interested in I will see what I can find locally thanks

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