16 year old son stole a sandwhich from Tesco

[Mollydoggerson]

Received a call from Tesco to say my 16 year old consumed a sandwhich in the shop and was stopped while walking out. He said he had no money to pay for it (true, but he has plenty of cash in general, just not on him). They asked him for my number, and left a message on my phone.

I drove there, paid for it and apologised. He had left by then. They told me he is barred.

I ve offered two options to him, apologise to the staff or go to confession (we are culturally catholic) apologise or atone! 😅

He is not willing to do either. I Don't want this to ruin Christmas, his attitude is f*ck Tesco, they have plenty of money. I ve told him Tesco don't owe him anything!!!

He has apologised to me and told me he would repay me(after coaxing, both were my suggestion) is that enough?
How would you respond?

If it were my son I would cancel his gym membership- He cannot be trusted.
Is he going to go through other peoples pockets in the changing room for money?
He stole a sandwich not because he was starving, but for bravado in front of his friends.
He got away with it, you are being far too nice- he needs to learn actions have consequences!

Honestly? I would be more concerned about getting a caution from the police which will affect his uni and employment opportunities than apologising to Tesco or God.

Tell him he was bloody lucky it wasn’t the police and if he does it again it might well be.

I wouldn’t be carrying on any further punishments or guilt tripping. He has to take responsibility for himself now. And it will stoke resentment and self pity which isn’t conducive to ongoing good behaviour, in general.

I am seriously lax about rules but I would fuck him up over this. He is at the start of a rocky road which descends to assholedom. Its a shame they didnt call the police then he could have said fuck the police. To their faces. But he wouldnt have had the balls. Walking around that arrogant at 16 is a real tosser in waiting.

He isn't causing any disruption to the higher ups at Tesco's, just cause issue for the staff on shift who earn just above minimum wage.

Prices will increase for other, more honest shoppers because of him.

Teenagers - even the best of them - make really stupid decisions sometimes. I’d let a bit of time pass and revisit it with him, he might have a better perspective after the initial embarrassment has worn off.

my kids are only toddler but I did have teenage family living with me for a while. ‘Do not bring trouble to this door and whilst you’re living here I expect as a bare minimum for you to not break the law’. I turned a blind eye to a lot but if I had to go to Tesco to essentially bail them out I’d go nuclear - not as in scream at them and then all ok the next day. But if they want to live the life of crime (I know it’s not that serious, but mortifying!) they’ve have three basic meals a day and have to earn back any privileges (as a teen my mum grounded me, I told her that was fine as I’d just spend the day chilling in bed so she’d take my duvet at 8am!) If it was my son he’d be ‘allowed’ out to college/work (I was grounded for the summer after I finished my GCSEs and I’d ask to extend my 8 hour shifts in McDonald’s to 12 hours just out of shear boredom).

What are his friends like OP? Does he feel he has to show off to them and is that pushing him to do stupid things like this? Or do you think being robbed has made him feel 'lesser' and he's trying to big himself up by pretending not to care and doing stupid things? I think a chat to try to get him to think about why he did this is in order.

I'd think I'd go along the lines of teenagers do stupid things sometimes, once is a mistake, twice is taking the piss - if anything like this happens again your phone and gym membership will no longer be being paid for by us.

me too.

It doesn't sound as though he is embarrassed at all though. Indeed the opposite - it sounds like he doesn't give a shit. And has paid Mum back because she made him. He didn't offer.

There would be far more serious consequences if any of mine had ever done this

Ah. He thinks of himself as a good person, does he? Class warrior sticking it to The Man? He sounds insufferable.

Agree that it's almost certainly not the first time he's done this, or something similar, just the first time he's been caught or at least the first time the shop has involved a parent. If it had been the first time I would think he would be more shocked and apologetic, he's just brazen about it. Is thieving common among his friends?

Well this is the consequence of people endlessly ‘blaming billionaires’ for absolutely everything and making out individual responsibility is nullified because we’re ’cogs in a machine’.

Yep needs consequences- if it were my teen it would be taking one of her presents back and making her donate the money to a food bank instead.

Agree, he sounds a pathetic loser

Spoke to my son. He said his friend "John" got banned from Tesco last Friday for stealing protein bars, but he had money on him, so paid when caught, but banned. But was back in there yesterday.

My son says, he offered to leave his gym bag with the Tesco manager, while he went to his brother to get money from his brother to pay (brother was in the shopping centre too). Tesco wouldn't allow that, that is why they called me.

I ve had a conversation with him about impulsivity, entitlement, consequences, reputation and asholedom. I also discussed respect and communication with the staff. He has repaid me.

Thank you for the responses.

I don't think this is super unusual behaviour at this age.

When I was 15, if I didn't bring lunch or money to school, I would just steal food from the cafeteria. I never told anyone I was doing it, and I'm sure everyone would be shocked because I had a very strong "good girl" vibe.

I didn't go on to become some sort of super thief despite never being caught; I don't think I ever stole anything again after I finished school.

I think as there was a natural consequence here - he was caught, barred, and his family found out, there doesn't need too harsh a punishment (like returning all Christmas presents, wtf). Different story if the behaviour continues though.

I was going to say something similar. You being cross and punishing him in some ways makes it something childish and naughty. Consequences from you aren’t the issue.

i always drummed it into my children to look after themselves, and this includes what they do and who they go around with. I said don’t do anything that could ruin your life, I’ll always be there for you, what you do won’t ruin mine.

they are adults with their own children now, and over the years their friends have said if only their parents had taken a similar attitude, that their life matters very much, but it’s not me that would give the, a hard time

Teenagers can do stupid things yes. But his reaction is a concern. I wonder if you could donate one or two of the presents you have bought him to a charity that gives gifts to children who would otherwise have little. Tell him you have done this. You can then point out he has so much more than these children. Explain that following his argument that stealing from Tescos is justified due to its wealth you taking a present he wanted from him to give to those who have less is also justified (and in your case legal, not theft).

Surely if it's ok to steal from supermarkets because they have more, it's ok for me- as a former colonial subject- to steal from posh white people. After all, they have more than me thanks to years of colonialism, slavery and inherited wealth.

I just can"t be doing with that pathetic argument. As for the pp stealing from her school and thinking it was ok: words fail me.

I was rather trying to reassure the OP that her son is one of many and not overly likely to slide into a life of criminality.

As for my child - he would not see himself as sticking it to the man at all and yes indeed he is absolutely insufferable but someone no one would ever consider a loser at all.

The incident doesn’t need the hyperbole - theft as a teen isn’t uncommon and is often not returned to as an adult. Doesn’t mean it is any less problematic but it’s not predictive.

@Mollydoggerson Sounds sensible, hope you all have a lovely Christmas now its sorted. xxx

Police wouldnt come near unless hes nicked 200 quids worth. Don't send him to apologise, hes barred. That's enough.
As long as he doesnt make a habit of it

He repaid you and you had a chat about him being a dick, but what was his attitude after that.

Lol that going to confession would do anything

He sounds terrible. Is he normally such a little shit?