Daily detentions for adhd son, pulling my hair out

[Sickofitall92728]

My son is in year 10 and has adhd. He attends a school that is very strict and they have brought in a new thing this year where a short detention replaces what would have been a warning previously.
They have done this in the hope that it will deter bad behaviour as the detentions are at lunchtime either for 10, 20 , or 30 mins of a 45 min lunch break.

My son is being issued a detention every single day, sometimes two. He has so many detentions he can't keep up with them as they are held at different locations. Sometimes hes missed one and then that gets upscaled .

His detentions are for talking, being distracted and distracting after being told repeatedly.

I am not excusing his behaviour at all but I have noticed a big change in this since this was brought in. He seems to he spiralling and he has now started to become argumentative with the teachers when he wasnt before.

He is missing every break and lunch break due to these detentions, time that he really needs to blow off some steam.

I find it extremely hard to relate to him as I am a people pleaser and never got detentions at school. I was well behaved and followed rules and did not like children that were the same as my son is.

We speak to him about it, try to advise , we have used bribery, rewards and punishments and nothing works.
He's gone in today promising me today he would try really hard and by 11am he has already been issued two detentions. He is being issued so many that he isn't going to have enough days to fit them all in!!!

Does anyone have any advice if your children are similar? He is no problem at home and follows our rules and boundaries , but cannot seem to do it in school. I'm worried that this is going to escalate

I would ask for a meeting with the SENCO and discuss the issues with them. It doesn’t sound like it’s behaviour he can control. Maybe he needs sensory breaks and other support. This can’t continue as he will become disengaged with school.

You need to speak to the school. Senco and head of year / head?? Quite quickly by the sounds of it!

I speak to the head of year a few times a week where she updates me on his behaviour but this system is obviously not working for him and creating a negative relationship between them and him.
I am going to ask to see the senco and go in for a meeting.
My main issue is trying to strike a good balance with school. He shouldn't be let off for bad behaviour or have special treatment but this isn't working either

Speak to the Senco as a matter of urgency.

No wonder he's spiralling. They've taken away all breaks for a child who needs more breaks than the average kid. He's probably heading towards burnout, fast.

I'd try to speak to the Senco, OP. I bet the team are overwhelmed with requests though.

I never had detention either at school but I'm sure something would trip me up these days, it's nuts. I'd be constantly on edge as I hated getting into trouble of any kind. Or it would tip me the other way and make me think I'd be hung for a sheep as a lamb.

He should have reasonable adjustments.
https://adhdandautism.org/information/reasonable-adjustments/

Hi OP,

Go and see a solicitor. What the school is doing is unlawful. Your son has ADHD and thus has a disability and is therefore protected under the equality act 2010. Under this act a school is not allowed to enforce a policy against a disabled child which puts him at a disadvantage as compared to children without the disability. Indeed the act actually places a legal obligation on a school to treat a child with a disability more favourably than children without the disability. They are punishing him for his ADHD symptoms which he can't control and consequently the policy means he is therefore in detention for this every day. Furthermore the school is also discriminating against him under the equality act by failing to put in place the necessary "reasonable adjustments" to accommodate his disability eg sensory breaks etc. So tell the school - senco and headmaster that they are breaking the law and you will be seeking legal advice. A letter from a solicitor spelling all of this out would be money well spent.

Note that your son is protected by the equality act whether he has an EHCP or not.

Best wishes xx

He’s getting detentions for things he can’t control, due to his ADHD. He’s probably getting more argumentative as he knows he’s on a losing streak no matter what what

You need to speak to the Senco. Does he have a formal diagnosis / ehcp or any accommodations for his ADHD?

The ADHD isn’t an excuse, but he needs proper scaffolding and support. His disability is what’s driving a lot of this - there needs to be a system in place to work with him, not against him

I now know I have ADHD but I didn’t at school, my dad knew the detentions were doing more harm than good so he wrote to the school and said I couldn’t do detentions because it clashed with my paper round which it did so I didn’t go to anymore.

The enforcement of the detention policy against your son is direct discrimination under the equality act and the failure to put reasonable adjustments in place is discrimination as well.

DD had a run of this issue. No ADHD or ND, just disorganized.

I went in and had a talk with the teachers and the head, and we got support rather than punishments. It may be that each teacher is unaware of the multiple detentions, your son can't be in multiple detentions every day, that's bonkers, ND or not

He absolutely get 'special treatment'. He has a disability and they're punishing him for it.

His behaviour shouldn't be ignored, it is disruptive, but they should be putting things in place to help him manage it - it sounds like what they're doing is actually making him worse.

Advocate for your son. They should not take away his break time- this is extremely detrimental to someone with adhd and will make things worse.

Two sides to this. The support and adjustments needed by your ds and the disruption arising for 29 others from his behaviour.

DD has ADD and I'm oretty sure I do too now I have read up on it.

Is your ds getting the clinical support he needs. Is he medicated? Year 10 is a catalyst, the work cranks up, the expectations increase, the hormones are charging. It's a time when anxiety and depression can set in alongside the neurodiversity.

Have you been back to your GPnto ensure optimal support is in place? Is he unnder CAMHS? Does medication need to be introduced, revised? Would he benefit from a new psychiatric review further up the food chain at CAMHS? Explore all of the foregoing and make an appointment with HoY, Senco, armed with what you are doing to support.

I'm going in in Thursday to see head of year and senco. Yes he is under cahms. I'm so worried about him as his behaviours are a cry for help, there is a reason for it and he is obviously struggling . I can't wait until he leaves school. Its always been bad but never like this.

Is he on medication?

Yes reasonable adjustments should be in place, so ask about these in your meeting

Yes reasonable adjustments should be put in place, but it sounds like if your son can't be non-disruptive in class maybe he should be in a specialist school! Year 10 is an important year
I say this as a parent of 3 AuHd children and AuHd myself!

Of course he's getting worae

The only time he gets to relax and chill and chat and stim or be himself is literally consistently taken off him

He's getting stressed and upset and increasingly so because he doesn't get any down time at all, he is not been made safe he is not allowed any reasonable adjustments for his diversity needs this will only get worse

Id go on to the school and speak with sendco and head of year and fast
Your poor son

Sounds like the reasonable adjustment is making the time up each time he's disruptive, rather than escalating the punishment as would normally happen for persistent offenders.

I love this, I wasn’t a naughty kid but sometimes the whole class would get the belt if you wouldn’t grass on your peers, my mother went up to school several times ready to knock the teachers out 😂

As a parent of 3 children with different needs you should be knowledgeable enough to know a "specialist" school place in most areas especially as late on as y10 is almost as rare as a unicorn orgie

“there is a reason for it and he is obviously struggling“ - unless he has some other stuff going on, the reason is adhd. If the school is strict he should not be there. They’re proving that too by giving him these endless detentions without taking any time to understand the condition.

people always think that if you have adhd you just ‘need to learn’ how to function normally. As if this hadn’t occurred to us.
This isn’t going to happen - of course you can put in supporting measures to help him achieve a more ‘typical’ way of existing but he is always going to have these struggles when those support systems fail or aren’t accessible.

he likely has time blindness, which means time just doesn’t move the same way. He will have so many thoughts going on in his head at the same time it isn’t easy concentrate (imagine taking a class in a loud coffee shop), he’ll also not get dopamine from anything he’s not interested in so classes he doesn’t like will be torture.

he’ll also be seeking dopamine which, if he isn’t handled properly now, can easily descend into addiction etc.

for some reason people just can’t understand that adhd symptoms are symptoms of a neurological disorder not a deficiency of personality/will power. If your son had autism and found it hard to make eye contact and be in heavy social situations (hypothetical choices for this example), and the teachers punished him for not doing well in drama class by forcing him to join the lunch time debate team, would you be like well yes he needs to learn to sort out his behaviour? No! You’d say he has a neurological condition and you’re not going to force him to do debate and while you’re at it you’d say what adjustments can be made for drama? And how can we support where he IS doing well and thrives.

he’s basically being punished and shamed for being disabled. And he can try and try and try but he’s not going to magically be a typically functioning person. But he WILL have the ability to flourish if he spends time doing what he is interested in. Maybe homeschool or another school would be best. He’s not typical so forcing him into a typical system isn’t going to end great.

im not aiming this at you op btw just the whole system is so frustrating and it never ends because you never fit even as good as you mask and try.

you are doing the right thing going to see SENCO. My son was the same, he was constantly punished for many tiny things, and it escalated. He left as soon as he could and was so much happier in a college environment. Now he is a very happy bricklayer! I hope the SENCO can help your son for his last couple of years there.

Are you in England? If so, contact your local sendiass team and see if they will help. They may come to meetings at the school with you to find a way forward. If the school is intransigent try SOS!SEN

Sorry OP I can’t see where you’ve specified if he’s on meds or not? If not, please investigate medication for ADHD, they are the most effective treatment.