Daily detentions for adhd son, pulling my hair out

[Sickofitall92728]

My son is in year 10 and has adhd. He attends a school that is very strict and they have brought in a new thing this year where a short detention replaces what would have been a warning previously.
They have done this in the hope that it will deter bad behaviour as the detentions are at lunchtime either for 10, 20 , or 30 mins of a 45 min lunch break.

My son is being issued a detention every single day, sometimes two. He has so many detentions he can't keep up with them as they are held at different locations. Sometimes hes missed one and then that gets upscaled .

His detentions are for talking, being distracted and distracting after being told repeatedly.

I am not excusing his behaviour at all but I have noticed a big change in this since this was brought in. He seems to he spiralling and he has now started to become argumentative with the teachers when he wasnt before.

He is missing every break and lunch break due to these detentions, time that he really needs to blow off some steam.

I find it extremely hard to relate to him as I am a people pleaser and never got detentions at school. I was well behaved and followed rules and did not like children that were the same as my son is.

We speak to him about it, try to advise , we have used bribery, rewards and punishments and nothing works.
He's gone in today promising me today he would try really hard and by 11am he has already been issued two detentions. He is being issued so many that he isn't going to have enough days to fit them all in!!!

Does anyone have any advice if your children are similar? He is no problem at home and follows our rules and boundaries , but cannot seem to do it in school. I'm worried that this is going to escalate

Might be worth trying sending him in with some blue tac and some silent fidget toys. In my experience having something to fiddle with really helps students with ADHD.

I think a meeting with SENCO is required. Does he have an EHCP? He is overwhelmed and needs the support. Too many punishments and no support. He will keep spiraling as its too much for him as he will get to the point where he won't know what each punishment is for.

As a mum of and autistic and ADHD boy, I would suggest he needs breaks during the day. Time where he can process things and help calm himself down.

What is his workload like? My dd school is like yours (lots of mini detentions) but it has a pathway for kids in y10 and y11 so every single day kids with SEN who need more time away from structured class have at least a whole hour of something non-academic every day where the discipline isn’t required (various hobbies, watching a film in a room full of beanbags, etc). They do fewer GCSEs and some non-GCSE certifications.

You’d think the kids without SEN would object to this but they don’t - they realise that these kids are not coping in lessons and need the break.

I think the school Senco should ensure the balance is there - you can’t expect kids with SEN to cope with strict discipline unless you put a framework in place to help them.

@Cheekychop@LittleMy77What a load of nonsense! Of course he can control it, I have ADHD and have since I was a toddler and I can assure you, I know (& always have) when I’m distracted by something, moving onto one task before another is finished etc - all the ADHD behaviours I’m fully aware I’m doing as I’m doing them! It’s not as if we can’t stop ourselves from doing it, we’re just more tempted to!

I will let you know how the meeting goes. These punishments were brought in because it is a particularly bad school year behavior wise, but this blanket approach doesn't fit everyone and it is damaging my child and his feelings towards school.
He has had to go in today already knowing he has one at break and one at lunch. They are allowed to quickly grab some food and eat it in the detention

He's already at secondary. He is 15

you are just describing what ADHD is like for you

you don’t get to speak on behalf of all ND people

It's disability discrimination as he is being punished for symptoms of his adhd.

They must make reasonable adjustments for him.

I would suggest a specific written request to return to the previous warning system if that worked for him before. I assume something like 1 -3 warnings before detentions are issued.

State that he is being punished for behaviour directly related to his adhd. State that this is classed as disability discrimination. Ask immediately for a reasonable adjustment to return to the warning system. State that due to his adhd movement breaks are essential and should not be removed for minor rule infringements only major behaviour issues.

Ask CAMHs for support. They may be able to do a letter to the school or your GP might.

I'm speaking as a mum of an adhd teenager who burnt out and went into a mental health crisis in year 10. Your son needs support and understanding not constant criticism and punishment for being who he is.

You’re describing how it works for you, which is valid. I have ADHD, and so does my kid. I’m similar to you but it takes a huge exhausting mental toll on me to ‘perform’ and not do the fidgeting / interruptions etc. 80s parenting would have beaten it out of me, along with ‘what will people think!’

From what I’ve seen, many kids, especially boys who are hyperactive ADHD, find this nigh on impossible, even with the best will in the world. We need to set expectations and scaffold with support, not just continually bollock them for something that’s part of the condition

Do you think all people with ADHD experience it in the same way?

Useful posts on this substack along with requirements and references to quote when needed. Archive - Send’s Substack

Fist bump. My 14yr year 10 old who is on the SEN register has been through a spat of demerits, detentions and failure to produce homework. Things are getting better but only because I'm in constant communication with the school. This week I'm dealing with maths who are looking now at the whole picture and have changed the day for his weekly homework plus put other reasonable adjustments in place like asking him to attend maths club so they can help him do his homework in school. Yesterday morning he handed in two bits of homework for sport and history.
He's on a intervention program with other kids who are struggling run by his form tutor who has been fantastic and he's using a laptop in school daily.
I honeslty think constant communication with the school is key to keeping on top of it all.

I have two kids who were or are the SEN register and so was I due to dyslexia. I can't even fathom what value a solicitor would add aside from being expensive what would it actually do to change things that need changing now. Are you suggesting you take the school to court?
Speaking to school, keeping on at them and mediating with them is the only way to make immediate change.

Then you mediate with the school first or look to find a school that is better suited to him. You don't jump in to a court case as the length of time it will take is time wasted and your child falls further through the gaps.

Hi OP, there are two issues here. The first is putting in place support for your son in class. If he has a diagnosis and the school knows about it, why isn't support / strategies already in place? The school doesn't need an EHCP to do the right thing and it costs nothing for teachers to agree strategies with the pupil (short breaks outside the classroom etc).

The second issue, quite separate from your sons ADHD, is this new behaviour policy. Multiple detentions, so many he can't keep up with them, is a fucking ridiculous situation to visit on any child. More importantly it is proof that the policy doesn't work. Literally the only acceptable evidence that a behaviour policy is working is a reduction in poor behaviour and therefore a pattern of reducing punishments. That isn't what is happening here. Multiple and escalating punishments proves that it doesn't work. Call them out on it - and if, predictably, they say it works for most children, remind them that their responsibility is to all, not most.

Good luck with meeting the school. It may be that all the individual teachers issuing warnings can’t see the wider picture and accumulation. But essentially they’ve rolled out a procedure which will be damaging for ADHD and SEN students. Someone at the school has taken the decision that this is acceptable, or it is an oversight, neither being okay. It’s ironic that they will have introduced this system to improve behaviour and it will result in disengagement and defiance. I would point out that the system is disadvantaging the already disadvantaged. Your son is lucky he has you shouting loud for him, others won’t have this.

Sounds like he is disrupting lessons and others learning, which isn’t acceptable.
ADHD doesn’t mean bad behaviour and it’s acceptable to accept his behaviour.

Hi OP, my son was very much like this and very close to being kicked out of school at 13yr, he took a low dose meds, during school holidays and when he returned was a different child, and managed Bs and As in exam's.

At 17 he decided he didn't want to take meds anymore and now at 27 has a fabulous job

I have adhd, but I'm 54 and only just realised, school for me was boring and I couldn't concentrate, messed around or walked out of school, but I was intelligent.

Speak to the SENCO and ask them to put a plan in place, look at meds, and just ask him what he thinks would help him. Fidget toys?

A solicitor could for example write a letter outlining how the school is breaking the law by not making reasonable adjustments for the adhd. School might pay attention then.

Is the cheaper option not just you as a parent explain the situation to the school, review what the school have on the SEN register and look at what resenonble adjustments are needed?

I am a teacher and parent of a boy the same age, with possible adhd. I had this same issue last year. I was proactive in challenging the school on how they were supporting my son, I questioned if my son was getting regular detentions then adjustments needed to be made.

I would second approaching the senco and head of year. A individual behaviour plan or adjustments to the expectations may be needed. My son has a break card too where he can leave for a movement break.

my son is doing better this year with the adjustments. Some teachers are lazy and just dish out sanctions rather than working on building relationships to improve behaviour. However, I also agreed that sometimes my son was a ratbag too, as teenage boys are lol.

Speak to the senco but be aware that his behaviour is disturbing the rest of the class, it was constant low level disturbances from a particular lad in dd1’s class that caused her to stop engaging in school and have to be taught elsewhere in the building (after missing weeks)

Absolutely this. My son is the same and it's demoralising for them and doesnt allow them the movement breaks they so desperately need.
They should be making reasonable adjustments and to not do so is a breach of the Equality Act. I sometimes feel like asking the school if they'd tell someone who couldnt walk to get out of their wheelchair and walk up the stairs as thats the school policy. Its no different for our adhd kids that have impulsive behaviour.

People need to stop using ADHD as an excuse for bad behaviour. Hes disrupting other students that have the right to learn. If he cant follow simple rules then home school him so other children can get an education. Im so sick of parents of naughty kids using the SEN card and expecting other children to tolerate it

Have you explored medication? My son would find secondary hugely challenging without it.