Daily detentions for adhd son, pulling my hair out

[Sickofitall92728]

My son is in year 10 and has adhd. He attends a school that is very strict and they have brought in a new thing this year where a short detention replaces what would have been a warning previously.
They have done this in the hope that it will deter bad behaviour as the detentions are at lunchtime either for 10, 20 , or 30 mins of a 45 min lunch break.

My son is being issued a detention every single day, sometimes two. He has so many detentions he can't keep up with them as they are held at different locations. Sometimes hes missed one and then that gets upscaled .

His detentions are for talking, being distracted and distracting after being told repeatedly.

I am not excusing his behaviour at all but I have noticed a big change in this since this was brought in. He seems to he spiralling and he has now started to become argumentative with the teachers when he wasnt before.

He is missing every break and lunch break due to these detentions, time that he really needs to blow off some steam.

I find it extremely hard to relate to him as I am a people pleaser and never got detentions at school. I was well behaved and followed rules and did not like children that were the same as my son is.

We speak to him about it, try to advise , we have used bribery, rewards and punishments and nothing works.
He's gone in today promising me today he would try really hard and by 11am he has already been issued two detentions. He is being issued so many that he isn't going to have enough days to fit them all in!!!

Does anyone have any advice if your children are similar? He is no problem at home and follows our rules and boundaries , but cannot seem to do it in school. I'm worried that this is going to escalate

What a horrible, insensitive, ignorant post 🙄 sincerely hope you don't work with children...

I could’ve written your post OP pretty much to the letter.

In the end I had a meeting with school and said that these detentions were ridiculous, offered no real punishment at all as they were every day and twice a day sometimes so autistic/ADHD DD just thought fuck it to herself and didn’t go. It made her behave worse as it seemed that she was being punished no matter how hard she tried because her SEN would always let her down.

School saw sense and they stopped. SEN children respond better to carrots than sticks so she gets merits and rewards for punctuality and doing homework etc and guess what, her behaviour is fine now, massively improved and teachers turn a blind eye to small infractions as far as I can tell.

And yes, I fully appreciate that mums of well behaved NT DCs will be gnashing their teeth because my DC gets rewarded for doing stuff that their DCs do as a matter of course but hey ho.

Year 10 is going to be a tough year for him as it is with the stress of mock exams and looming GCSEs.
Its a vicious circle because the detentions and lack of breaktimes adds to his spiralling behaviour which then in turn leads to more punishment.
His needs arent being met good luck with SENCO ypu shouldn't have to be fighting like this

Year 10 is going to be a tough year for him as it is with the stress of mock exams and looming GCSEs.
Its a vicious circle because the detentions and lack of breaktimes adds to his spiralling behaviour which then in turn leads to more punishment.
His needs arent being met good luck with SENCO ypu shouldn't have to be fighting like this

Is he on medication, OP?

Feeling overwhelmed, distressed, upset, confused, angry increased impulsivity are feelings that he will be experiencing that will lead to a change in his behaviour in the classroom which will be viewed as bad behaviour leading to more punishment

It is ableism. He can’t help many of these behaviours so I disagree OP, he shouldn’t be punished in same way an NT child is. Schools just don’t understand but this is role of Senco as others have said. He should have a Learning Support Strategy in place. Punishing a child who may also have PDA (look it up, it’s real) is going to be a huge set back for him in later life psychologically. Best of luck.

If it was that wildly different then it wouldn’t be diagnosable. I may be an adult now but I’ve been a kid with ADHD and I knew damn well what I was doing. I think people forget that children with ADHD (& Autism, I have a child with autism) are still capable of misbehaving in addition to ADHD related behaviours! Having one of these conditions doesn’t mean that every single bad behaviour displayed is as a result of their condition.

But this is a 14 year old, a child so he will have poorer inpluse control than an adult expecting to be in a stricter environment than the vast majority of adults.

Long post coming up! I’m a secondary teacher.

Really important, I think, for all teachers, you and your son to agree and be fully aware of which behaviours are sanctionable FOR HIM, as opposed to a blanket policy. And for you to understand exactly which behaviours he is being sanctioned for, and which of these he does have control over. That would be a reasonable adjustment - not penalising him for things he can’t control, but not letting him get away with poor choices when it is a choice.

I have a few lovely students with quite pronounced ADHD, some diagnosed and some not (but to me it’s clear and I adjust to them accordingly). Things I don’t sanction for tend to be: shouting out instead of putting hand up, fidgeting eg ripping up bits of paper (even if this makes a mess - they don’t always realise they are doing it), swinging on chair etc, losing focus (including starting to sing/tap/make squelchy noises with their mouth 😆- tho I do tell them to stop, as I get quite overstimulated by noise as do other students), getting up out of seat. I give them several gentle warnings if they are talking, with clear explanations before sanctioning. I ask them where works for them in terms of seating plan (eg at the back on their own desk, no temptation to turn around to talk etc). I really try to build a good relationship, finding out what works for them (eg some students are driven by winning house points or the promise of a positive phone call home, some like it if you ask about their hobby). I give them jobs to do eg wiping the whiteboard to give them some movement. Therefore, with the understanding that we are working as a team, generally they do understand if/when they are given a sanction.
The behaviour system sounds too extreme (straight to detention, with no warning?!), but hopefully with reasonable adjustments in place, agreed with your son (that bit is crucial), there will be some progress. I don’t think that establishing a combatative relationship with the school will help. Truly, most teachers and sendcos have no interest in making kids’ lives difficult on purpose. Working together is much more fruitful.

I would add to my very long post - I would have phone calls with his core subject teachers too. Maths and English at a minimum. These are the lessons he will have most, and the GCSEs he will have to resit if he fails, by law. So a strong working relationship between those teachers, send dept, you and DS is essential.

@Sickofitall92728, have you got any further with the school’s inappropriate treatment of your boy?

I can hardly believe what I'm reading.
So many detentions that he can't fit them in . The OP speaks frequently to HOY.
So what is HOY doing about it ?
What has become of the world.
Poor kid , poor mum

You might find this relevant @Sickofitall92728

https://petition.parliament.uk/petitions/734327?fbclid=PAVERTVgNfOC5leHRuA2FlbQIxMAABp_eVAfrzG07zBm9oUb6YGp6KjVZZDGsTM0M1Qk736l8hRMlLUpQYIcL5gt1S_aem_23Lcmzz0Lhy9UT1gRqcYLw

Your poor ds, school SENCO needs to put some more support and reasonable adjustments in place ASAP. How did the meeting go @Sickofitall92728?