Constant detentions for skirt length

[Falcon1]

My DD is 13. Since starting year 8 she’s had weekly detentions for rolling up her skirt and has been on report. She was also on report twice last year for the same thing. I keep getting emails from the school about it, but really - what can I do? This last detention we’ve said enough is enough and have grounded her but she is entirely unbothered. Her take is that she wants to wear her skirt the way she likes it and will keep doing so, and that the teachers should stop being so obsessed with her legs being on display. I kind of agree to be honest, particularly as she is doing fine academically. But I worry she’s going to be in detention her whole school career and it’s making her hate the school.

any advice most gratefully received!

Well she can no doubt tell that you 'kind of agree' so will be unbothered.

The old 'schools should be focussed on education rather than uniform' makes me laugh. Everything is education. Learning to stuck to rules, which is something that all organisations have one way or another, is an education.

If you don't like the uniform policy, or as a parent you are unable to get your child to follow it, chose a school that doesn't have one.

I went to a secondary to deliver an assembly last week and didn't expect to see so many backsides on show.

It’s a school issue, and school are dealing with it. She seems to think detentions are worth it to roll her skirt up, so that’s up to her.

It’s possible that soon she’ll grow tall enough so her skirt will be the length she likes without having to roll it up, and the detentions will stop.

Well, I’m out of touch and old, clearly! Yes that’s gross.

Yes, I do wonder if they are unaware, especially the yr7s.

In response to @SuziQuinto

well I’ve no doubt the rationale has been explained to her, by the school and probably reinforced by you. So it’s not that she doesn’t understand the rationale (to stop showing underwear and arse) - it’s that she doesn’t agree with it. If she’s as bright as you say, she’ll also know that there are dress codes or uniforms in many different workplaces
and expectations in various social situations.

Sounds like she’s just made the skirt issue her teenage ‘cause’ which is a bit sad as there are so many more interesting things to get passionate about. But I’d just leave her to it. She knows she’s going to get a detention so clearly isn’t that bothered

Thanks! 😊

It’s laughable that your daughter feels disrespected by the school and yet she is disrespecting the school’s rules!
We all have to follow rules that we don’t always agree with, so tough luck.
I’d take the skirts away and buy her trousers and if she went behind my back and changed at a friend’s house, she’d be having her phone taken off her.
Why is there such sappy parenting these days?

Get her to explain why she does it. What is she rebelling against. Does she resent something about being responsible for the lecherous behaviour of others? Really try and understand it.

It's interesting that her academics are not impacted.

I personally don't like uniforms but I am a rule follower as are my kids but I do think uniforms are nonsense. I do think eventually she will be expelled if she keeps ignoring the rules. I think you might get her to follow the rules if you acknowledge they are nonsense but in life to get by you often have to follow rules.

It works very well in countries and communities where women are told to cover up, doesn't it? There are whole societies built on that kind of thinking. Perverts resolved? Or they just target those that don't? And limit and shame women for rape and assault?

Where do you stop then?

Why encourage anyone anything? Why let women leave the house at all, it may encourage someone to something?

Girls and women don't need to be covered or protected, they are free to wear whatever or nothing at all since they are not the ones being perverts and carrying out assaults. You need to sort men out.

Work on your analytical and critical thinking. That is if you are capable of any thinking, highly doubtful.

Weird perverts that don't understand that women and skirts aren't to blame for men's actions.

Probably practicing covid masks, bdsm and worse in your free time while shrieking for more small boats. People that hate other people and women in particular.

It works very well in countries and communities where women are told to cover up, doesn't it? There are whole societies built on that kind of thinking. Perverts resolved? Or they just target those that don't? And limit and shame women for rape and assault?

Where do you stop then?

Why encourage anyone anything? Why let women leave the house at all, it may encourage someone to something?

Girls and women don't need to be covered or protected, they are free to wear whatever or nothing at all since they are not the ones being perverts and carrying out assaults. You need to sort men out.

Work on your analytical and critical thinking. That is if you are capable of any thinking, highly doubtful.

Weird perverts that don't understand that women and skirts aren't to blame for men's actions.

Probably practicing covid masks, bdsm and worse in your free time while shrieking for more small boats. People that hate other people and women in particular.

Sounds like excellent parenting 👍.

It is an issue but it is an overall issue I think rather than an individual one - it is literally pandemic across the vast majority of schools - I watched Waterloo Road and thought dear god they haven’t even tried for an actual uniform skirt just short black skirts

DD (year 12 still in uniform straight A never had a detention) rolls her skirt but we have compromised on not doing that final roll that shows the knickers and just sits shorter with cycling shorts underneath

@Falcon1please check the school behaviour and exclusion policies. Most schools now do escalate and I have hear of children being permanently excluded from schools when they haven’t don’t anything particularly bad, just lots and lots of low level stuff like this.

Each time a teacher logs reminding your dd about her skirt, each detention is evidence against your dd.

Look at other local options if your dd can’t cope with the dress code at this school. If she’s bright she also needs to learn which fights you can win and when you need to conform to get what you want. (I’m guessing she wants to stay in this school with her friends.)

Explain there will be 3 stages

1. Conversations. Nearly exhausted this option
2. She buys trousers
3. Phone ban/ grounding etc

Then get on with it

She feels disrespected at school and generally she responds much better with rationale for why she should do something rather than punishment.

Have you, as her mother and an adult in this situation given her on rationale as to why she should adhere to school uniform rules, and wear her skirt at an acceptable length?
She feels disrespected at school, but she is also being disrespectful by consistently defying rules over and over and over, despite being told.
Let her keep doing it and keep getting detention.

She feels ‘disrespected’ at school - WTF? Can she put that into plain English? Why is this wretched word creeping into everything?

What she presumably means is that she doesn’t want to follow school rules, and resents the fact that there are sanctions when she fails to.

As a rule follower I often admire rule breakers particularly those that trigger change - Rosa Parks etc ... You might come to realise that school isn't for her.

I don't think being a rule follower has helped me to be honest.

Have you tried actually being a parent instead of trying to be a friend

Do we expect boys to dress exposing as much flesh as possible? Is boys clothing designed to sexualise their bodies?

That’s the starting point. We end up policing female clothing not male precisely because of this starting point. If girls clothing was designed, as boys is, to be practical then most of this issue wouldn’t ever happen.

But there is a particular issue with girls school uniform in that it is a sexual fetish. Personally I would dump uniform. Much of the rest of the world including most of Europe manages to function perfectly well without it. No idea what makes Britain so incapable of doing so, other than most parents mindlessly being in favour of it.

It would be simple in this house.

All skirts would be thrown out and trousers provided.

I’m not a pervert, I’m a normal 55 year old mother to adult children.

I do not however, want to see the upper thighs, butt cheeks and sometimes slightly more anatomy of idiot female children who think they look fabulous in small bits of fabric, purporting as skirts, on their way to and fro their school.

If only they realised how ridiculous they look 🤷🏻‍♀️. Ironically they will be the ones one day blaming their mothers for allowing them leave the house dressed like it!

All those suggesting trousers might be disappointed if the school rules don't allow girls to wear trousers. Those schools still exist.

If it’s endless detentions with no further repercussions then I’d let her get on with it. She knows the rules and if she breaks them then detention is the result.
But if there are potential repercussions (exclusion etc.) then I would use a punishment that she cares about such as wifi off, phone ban etc. and agree the rules between you as to what triggers it and how long it lasts.
I’d also speak to the school so they know you are trying to assist at home. I think the skirt length rule is a bit pointless, however I see lots of school girls around here with their bum cheeks literally out on display which just isn’t appropriate

Yup. This is where I’d go.

If you get a detention from school you lose your phone and are grounded for 24 hours. Next time it’s 48 hours. This will continue to increase each time you get a detention.

Eventually she will feel that rolling the skirt up isn’t worth the punishment.