Constant detentions for skirt length

[Falcon1]

My DD is 13. Since starting year 8 she’s had weekly detentions for rolling up her skirt and has been on report. She was also on report twice last year for the same thing. I keep getting emails from the school about it, but really - what can I do? This last detention we’ve said enough is enough and have grounded her but she is entirely unbothered. Her take is that she wants to wear her skirt the way she likes it and will keep doing so, and that the teachers should stop being so obsessed with her legs being on display. I kind of agree to be honest, particularly as she is doing fine academically. But I worry she’s going to be in detention her whole school career and it’s making her hate the school.

any advice most gratefully received!

I don’t have teens but I still vividly remember being one and honestly it sounds like she’s just looking for something to push back against. When you spend all your time being told what to do and when to do it you start needing something that’s yours to control.

The skirt thing isn’t new, a lot of us did it in our day, but maybe it’s less about the skirt and more about wanting autonomy.

If she’s going to rebel it might be worth helping her channel that rebellious energy into something meaningful instead of another rule to fight you on.

As long as she is happy and doing OK in her work, then let her deal with it - it is a school issue.

I remember my DD having a similar issue and I gave her some money to go round town and get a suitable skirt. She bought a thin tube that went down to nearly her ankles! She rolled it up when she went into school and when challenged she unrolled it! Frankly I admired her chutzpah! I certainly did not get involved.

This isn’t about skirts and legs. School isn’t a catwalk, it’s not where you go to show off your appearance and your style. It’s a place of learning first and foremost, with social-emotional learning now being an add-on.

This is about following rules. she feels disrespected? She is the one disrespecting the rules when every other child manages it. At 13yo, she isn’t a contributor - she’s a taker. That’s the way it is for all children, she’s not special in any respect.

If she wants to express herself through her clothing, she should do that in her own time when she’s not breaking rules. This isn’t a heinous rule that deserves to be broken: it’s a rule that exists for reasons a 13yo shouldn’t understand because she’s 13yo and has no clue what it’s like to be in loco parentis for hundreds of children per day.

Your permissive attitude is why she’s in repeat detention. Just tell her you don’t disagree but those are the rules and she’s hurting nobody but herself to make a point that nobody but herself is listening to. If she still continues,
leave her to it and make sure you’re on the school’s side - they are also on her side. Be the grown up. Right now you sound like a moody teenager yourself, thinking that this sort of “rebellion” is justifiable. It’s not - it’s utterly pointless.

I suspect OP would be willing to deal with the matter quickly enough if the school barred entry to her daughter every time she pulled this and phoned her parents to leave their work and collect her.

If there are no other issues and she's doing well academically, just leave her to it.

What do they do in the detentions? Presumably work/homework. Probably beneficial for her academically rather than otherwise. Up to her if she thinks rolling up her skirt is worth it.

I actually don't think parents need to go to town on supporting schools in every respect. A lot of schools nowadays have ridiculous rules and have created a hostile environment for their pupils. The job of parents with children in these environments is to help their children navigate the rules, including making judgements as to what matters and what doesn't. Parents should prioritise their children's mental wellbeing and academic development, rather than supporting schools unquestioningly. Schools lost a lot of their credibility when they started giving detentions out like candy.

She's secondary age and can get home by herself, so as a parent I'd just tell the school to let her go and refuse to come and collect her.

Sorry, OP, but you sound a bit passive and defeatist about this. Yes, teens rebel. They can be rude, grumpy and disobedient - but they still need parenting, and you’re doing your DD no favours by being so wet.

She’ll source her own skirt? Really? The skirts have to have the school logo on, you said - well, that won’t be cheap to source her own skirt, will it, and I doubt she’ll waste her money. It just sounds like you’re making excuses not to try. It also sounds like you don’t respect the school rules either.

Talk to your DD; explain the rule, the reasons for it, and the fact that adults too often have dress rules (does she think her teachers could rock up in anything they fancy?). Then tell her if she gets another detention for this, she’ll be wearing trousers until she matures a bit.

All the prim “when she’s in the workplace” comments- well she will be older then and more sensible. This is a daft teenage girl stage. Even Anne of Green gables was a pain about her ribbons and calico.

No way am I trashing my relationship with a teen about bloody clothes. Honestly if something really bad happens (and it kind of did for us) you won’t give a stuff about clothes.

She is the one disrespecting the rules when every other child manages it. - I very much doubt every other child manages it!

She is at an age for establishing her personality and her independence - and frankly silly rules are there to be broken! School uniform has always been the catalyst for rebellion and always will be until it is abolished.

I suppose then they could just refuse entry. OP probably won't be thrilled at her sitting home all day until willing to abide by school rules and wear appropriate attire.

I remember the week before my 16th birthday, when I took ill at school, the nurse refusing me leave to go home alone (it was a stomach bug, not a coronary) and lecturing my mum on the phone about not having someone available to instantly collect me. I SHOULD have bailed and just gone home on my own recognisance, but unlike this OP's daughter, I was a craven little bootlicker so stayed on till the bell rang and suffered.

Anyway, my basic point is - OP isn't really being inconvenienced currently, only the school. Only when that starts to happen, do I think any change in her daughter's attitude and behaviour will occur.

I'm surprised a school has tried dresses yet in a bid to stop the rolling.

The girls at DDs school actually tried a petition for a summer dress rather than kilt, shirt and tie last year. Unsuccessfully but they tried.
They allowed PE kit for 2 weeks instead due to the heat... which in a way made a mockery of the skirt length rules as the PE skorts ate extremely short. (But don't flash pants)

I worked in schools, talking about careers, employment, confidence.... and once addressed dress codes and uniforms. I asked for their feedback on their uniforms and what came back was they hated it, so they 'hacked, how they wore it. I them called out for every boy to stand up that had shortened their tie, wore a particular trainer.... girls who had rolled their skirts up, black opaque tights, same hairstyle, same bag - turns out they all looked alike to try to be part of the 'tribe'! We also looked at their views on how adults dressed and it made a few of them reconsider their choices and think about how impressions are made! They thought they were rebelling, turned out they were conforming.

Now this is a sensible approach.

Your DD clearly can't, or won't follow simple rules.

As much as she likes to wear her skirt her way that should be saved for when she's not at school and out with friends.

She's just trying to get one over on the teachers, for which had this of been the other way round and she's not doing something to warrant the detentions and teachers were doing it to try getting one over on her I suspect you'd be coming down on the teachers like a tonne of bricks.

I don't agree - I think it's better for her daughter to learn independence and about the rules at school at school. Parents don't need to be involved in every minor teen rebellion.

This is my advice as well @Falcon1
Your daughter sounds thoughtful, intelligent and, like a typical teen, rebellious. Apart from this one issue, you say she’s doing well academically and is well behaved. Over the next few years she will need you a lot to help her navigate all the challenges young people face - she needs to be able to trust you. Let her have her rebellion on this and save your admonitions for actually unsafe/illegal behaviour.

@YYURYYUCICYYUR4ME Quentin Crisp pointed this out in TheNaked Civil Servant. I can't remember the exact quote, but it's something along the lines that the young rebel by all copying one another. I had it up in my classroom at one point.

I don't think covering your backside has to involve a uniform. Even in casual wear have you ever gone into work with a skirt so short that someone would be wondering if you are wearing a thong or if your bare backside meant you'd forgotten underwear?

At uni she will no doubt be wearing jeans like everyone else. If she gets good grades and is otherwise pleasant and non disruptive no way will this have long term effect. Schools have their grade average to think about.

Thinking about it dds girl school never went in hard on school length. King Canute and the waves sprung to mind.

Was brilliant in Covid when they wore pe kit of a black tracksuit. Much more sensible attire for teens than blazers and silly skirts

Oh that is so true isn't it.

Actually it isn't just the young, I used to work in police admin and I used to take the mickey out of new detectives who were so happy to be out of uniform and immediately adopted the "uniform" of their new department. At the time my local CID officers were all wearing sheepskin jackets, a couple of years later it was waxed jackets. You could spot them a mile off, two men (was mainly men back then) wearing identical coats, chances were they were two detectives.

Bet you dress like your friends. Know I do.

@jonthebatiste everyone else following the rules - really! I imagine she is one of many who get detentions!

a friend is SLT at DDs old grammar and they now have to a target to meet for negatives and detentions and a lot of them involve skirt length

Universities will likely have dress standards as well. Not specifying a certain skirt length maybe... but not wearing swimwear for example