14 year old son driving me mad

[Isitmeyourecookingfor]

Ok, so I'm reading some other threads on here and feeling grateful I suppose.
I share custody with my ex of our DS14 and DD 11, which isn't an easy co-parentig relationship as he was emotionally abusive.
DS is now the age where he knows everything and I know nothing, I remember that age myself. I get it but more and more the way he speaks to me is unacceptable. He gets angry and calls me an fing idiot, fig stupid, f* off, etc. He says I talk too much and won't let me ask him 'too many' questions or 'I'm going on'.
I get that too, but some things are kind of important, like has he done his homework, has he got his uniform from his dad's etc.
He's got up in the foulest mood this morning, I've made him breakfast and he's grunted at me and been upstairs on his computer all day after shoutig at me.
We had a chat last night that maybe he should do his homework.this morning and have the rest of the weekend to chill as he has a football match to pay in on Sunday afternoon, an hour away. Yes he said. He also chatted abiut how he wants to do well.this year (Year 10) and start off on the right foot.
Well after the swearing today I'm fed up. I realise I tiptoe around him not to annoy him and he does nothing around the house. I realise I still take.plates out of his room, wake him up for school, etc.
I've told him he can make his own dinner, set his own alarm for school, iron his own uniform and make his own way to football tomorrow unless he apologies and sorts his behaviour out.
Anyone else's DS like this?
Thing is his dad gets him whatever he wants, lets him stay up late on his phone and doesn't ask him about homework so it's all left to my weekend.

That sounds tough op.
I have a 13 year old dd who can be a bit know it all sometimes too so when she is like that, l leave her be and give her space until she is in a nicer mood - which is usually very soon.

I have told her that her homework is her responsibility and if she doesn't do it, she carried the consequences- she is well old enough now.

Pick your battles and don't run around after him - that needs to stop. Be strong, you have got this xx

He is completely out of order, swearing at you and showing absolutely no respect. You are right to come down on him like a ton of bricks.

Thank you. We are actually really.close but he gets so mad at me. He says that he feels like I criticise him but I really don't. It's so hard.

Thanks. It's the disrepect that upsets me so much

My 15 year old is a bit like this but not as sweary. Second giving them space and check that not every interaction is a request; I’m guilty of this.
Is your washing in the basket?
Have you done your homework?
Brushed your teeth?

Thanks. It's the disrepect that upsets me so much

Why has he still got a computer in his bedroom after he has treated you like that. Seems like u let him walk all over you with no consequences. I'd have his phone, his Computer, and any other digital devices took away until he learned some respect.

I’d speak with your son’s GP and their school. This behaviour is really, really worrying. Bullying. Misogynistic. Unpleasant. The influence of his dad and peer group needs looked at.

if he was my son, I’d have cancelled his football and stripped his room bare of luxuries. And politeness/helpfulness would earn them back

@ForUmberFinch what should the GP be doing about this?

It’s not a foregone conclusion that teens behave so badly. It’s far too normalised now. You need enforceable sanctions every time he behaves this way and I’m sorry but a good old fashioned telling off. These young people need to find out that treating people badly has consequences.

I’ve had this. It’s very tough and I empathise. My husband says that I nag them too much and then they crack. My son says the constant ask to do homework really impacted his mental health. You would be surprised at the amount of pressure your son probably feels under at school. There is so much going on with these kids in their lives.
I’m not condoning the swearing and there needs to be boundaries however- you need to build a connection with him first. I’ve found this out the hard way. It’s hard because he is separating and rejecting now as part of the process of becoming an adult. You need to set boundaries with him and be prepared to follow through but choose your battles. You will need to let him fail. You state the expectation for homework and why it’s important- then leave it there. Do not nag. Let him get the detention or bad result. He may do it he may not. If he doesn’t he won’t do well. That’s hard to face. But he needs to learn that himself. I assure you he will not start doing homework because you force him or nag him. There is a book called - ‘Get out of my life- but first take me and Alex into town’. I’d start there. Try then not to make every interaction you do have a command/ demand or negative. Instead start with just asking how he is. Maybe something light and leave it there. Then let it build from there. See if he starts to open up. There will be a million things on this boys mind- so many challenges. You need to start working alongside him - your role is changer from a manager to a consultant. Talk to him about what he enjoys and find opportunities to inspire him. Now is the time to introduce good role models to him outside of the family. A good coach, a teacher he respects, an uncle - not mum and Dad. You need to start introducing the idea of his future self and plant seeds so he can start thinking about what lights him up. Keep calm. Don’t shout. Manage yourself and be the steady ship. It’s tough but you will come through it

It sounds like you do so much for him that he’s kind of lost sight of what’s acceptable. I haven’t made my children breakfast for example on a weekend since they were much much younger than 14. Ditto telling them to do homework or brush their teeth. That’s on them by that age, you can’t force them to learn, so you’re not achieving anything by telling them.

the sweating at you is so far beyond anything I would deem acceptable that I don’t know how to respond to that. I don’t know what id do, but I do know that my dc wouldn’t dare iyswim.

I think you need urgent help but I don’t know how.

You need to be very firm with him that this nonsense will not be tolerated. Allowing him to behave that way also shows his sister that women are second class citizens. Do you want her growing up to think that is normal? No, you don't. You don't want her ending up like so many women on here who do everything for their useless and unpleasant husbands. Enough is enough.

simply remove the computer and whatever else he spends time on.

I’d sit him down and tell him that you’re no longer tolerating him speaking to you like crap. You should have put a stop to it a long time ago, but it’s still not too late. You need consequences and you need to follow through, and no empty threats. People excuse it as their age etc, but none of my three teens would have spoken to me rudely. Don’t excuse it.

Your day sounds like mine. I'm waiting for MY Dad to drop my eldest home. She has been there since lunchtime hiding from world war three. My youngest finally apologised an hour ago from a fight that started at 9am over parental controls on her phone. I had ignored her all day to try not to escalate things and her phone, tablet, my eldest's tablet, their pc and my pc are currently locked in my car so I could leave the house so I didn't lose it when I was screamed at in a similar fashion to you. I've had two long walks and I have never wanted to run away more.

I also have an emotionally abusive disneyland ex, it's impossible to parent properly when everything will be undermined. I just keep talking to school (writing the email for tomorrow is next) and letting them know what is going on.

I completely agree and support your plan. You can't go on like this. Make sure there is food in the house and clothes that make it to the washing basket get washed, and the rest is your son's problem.

If I were you, to cover yourself with your idiot ex, document what you are doing and why. Email school and football and let them know the dynamic and that you are going to step back until October half term and they can deal with your son as they see fit, then try (and fail, because your are a brilliant parent) to ignore the chaos and have a bit of a break.

You clearly know what you are doing so please take this post as confirmation that you aren't alone!

I had a completely different style of parenting and so you may not like it. But here goes anyway.
From starting school age five I gave them a lot of autonomy. If you don’t do your reading that is Ok with me just explain to Miss Marple.. If you want to stay at home today then get on the phone and explain to Mr Poirot.
When you get home from school pop your clothes in the washing machine and then go and get tomorrow’s out and get your swim stuff, pe kit etc and put it in your bag.
If you stay up late then don’t blame me if you are too tired to go to the Circus tomorrow etc, Now go in the garden, have a hand of football then get your shower. If you don’t showed the other kids will think you stink but hey if that is what you prefer.
Obviously I checked vaguely a little when they were small but by juniors I very much eased off.
i never made them do homework as I believe learning should be a joy, actually they were keen learners.
I remember a school mum saying “ your kids will never get good jobs if you don’t insist on reading practice”. They did though, really good jobs because they did what they wanted to do. They are very happy, kind adults.
I would maybe pull back. If he treats you badly again then get his dad to come and collect him. He is not thriving as things are and nor are you. Give him some space.
Does he have any ambitions? What are the sports he plays? Can you focus on those things?

My son is 14 (Year 10) and isn't like this. I'd say that his Dad isn't a positive influence on him. He's allowed to do as he pleases at Dad's but you have to do the actual parenting - making sure he's completed homework, that he's got his uniform, he's up for school etc. I most definitely wouldn't be accepting being sworn at or being disrespected. You are his Mum and the adult in the house, not him. He needs consequences to his behaviour. You can't control how his Dad parents (or the lack of!).

“You have one chance to try that sentence again” is a phrase that works well for me.

if he is going to flip at you I would getting him in a calm moment to set structure where things happen and you don’t have to nag.

i.e. On Saturday he doesn’t go on his computer until his homework is done.

Mine currently has his phone and laptop in the boot of my car.
Yes they are foul at time and I wont be spoken to like im crap

The swearing is unacceptable, and shocking. Like others have said - remove privileges (screentime, devices etc) and be consistent with follow through.

I have a 14 yo. I don't think spoonfeeding helps at all. I dont nag about homework or get her up or make her breakfast. She can decide all that stuff for herself and accept the consequences. She doesn't help out around the house as much as I'd like but im working on developing her sense of responsibility and trying to gradually build in being a responsible family member rather than ordering, commanding and nagging. Eg would you like to help put the shopping away so I can make a start on dinner or could you please bring the dirty washing downstairs while you're up there type stuff.

You're normalising him abusing you, you need to nip this in the bud or it will get worse. You're not his friend, you're his parent and he should treat you with respect. Devices, any pocket money all gone. Does he speak to his sister this way as well as that would be a big problem.

Teenagers can suffer from anxiety and depression like the rest of us. A huge symptom of this is behaviour like OP describes. So THAT'S what the GP should be doing about it. What a question.

I think you need to firstly stop letting him hurt you. I had to develop a thick skin with my teen son. He has said awful things to me in the past. I decided I didn't give a flying F whether he liked me or not, and that if he was being unreasonable I would tell him and give a consequence.

Chores and bedroom checks - Non negotiable, or games/TV/phone time taken away. Put internet controls in, etc.

Getting up for school/Doing homework - Natural consequences apply. If he is late or gets detention, Mama isn't going to save the day anymore.

Looking after himself by making his own breakfast - Honestly? Depends how he treats you. I make my son food if I WANT to, but he doesn't expect it. (He's nrly 18). He even does the same for me! However, me or his stepdad do always make dinner for all of us. But if son doesn't fancy it he makes something else or orders in - no drama.

Not going to lie it took a lot of tantrums on both sides to get to this point. I haven't had an argument with him for quite a while. We get on really well and he respects my boundaries.

I have met sons over the years that treat their mothers like absolute sh1t and second class citizens. Who still give laundry to mummy when mummy is 83 and can barely walk. Extreme case I know, but set boundaries now for your own sanity xx