14 year old son driving me mad

[Isitmeyourecookingfor]

Ok, so I'm reading some other threads on here and feeling grateful I suppose.
I share custody with my ex of our DS14 and DD 11, which isn't an easy co-parentig relationship as he was emotionally abusive.
DS is now the age where he knows everything and I know nothing, I remember that age myself. I get it but more and more the way he speaks to me is unacceptable. He gets angry and calls me an fing idiot, fig stupid, f* off, etc. He says I talk too much and won't let me ask him 'too many' questions or 'I'm going on'.
I get that too, but some things are kind of important, like has he done his homework, has he got his uniform from his dad's etc.
He's got up in the foulest mood this morning, I've made him breakfast and he's grunted at me and been upstairs on his computer all day after shoutig at me.
We had a chat last night that maybe he should do his homework.this morning and have the rest of the weekend to chill as he has a football match to pay in on Sunday afternoon, an hour away. Yes he said. He also chatted abiut how he wants to do well.this year (Year 10) and start off on the right foot.
Well after the swearing today I'm fed up. I realise I tiptoe around him not to annoy him and he does nothing around the house. I realise I still take.plates out of his room, wake him up for school, etc.
I've told him he can make his own dinner, set his own alarm for school, iron his own uniform and make his own way to football tomorrow unless he apologies and sorts his behaviour out.
Anyone else's DS like this?
Thing is his dad gets him whatever he wants, lets him stay up late on his phone and doesn't ask him about homework so it's all left to my weekend.

It sounds as if he’s bullying you and repeating a pattern where you walk on eggshells and try to please him- did you do this during your relationship with his father?
How is he with his sister?

I agree that your plan is good. I also would be hurt and angry to be verbally abused in the way he’s doing and I think he needs to hear the label for that behaviour- it’s not just swearing at Mum, it’s verbally abusing Mum, it’s bullying Mum. Does he think it would be ok if you did it to him?

Good luck mama.

He/his father sound like a pair of would-be Andrew Tates.

Sounds like he’s been watching Andrew Tate with that behaviour towards you. Teenagers being grumpy is normal. This isn’t normal behaviour

My DS is the same age and I also have to nag at him to tidy his room and pull his weight around the house. But I’d come down on him like a tonne of bricks if he spoke to me like that, I agree with PP it’s misogynistic and abusive and will only get worse if not nipped in the bud. Does he speak to his Dad like that?

Similar dynamic in my house although he’s a bit older now. I did this course for work in which they talked about a study which found that adolescents interpret neutral expressions/tones of voice as aggressive. It was illuminating for my relationship with my son! Basically, I think we’re having a normal conversation and he is certain I’m having a go at him. I’m not saying this knowledge has made all of our interactions sweetness and light, but it helps slightly if I manage to keep it in mind sometimes!
Edited to add not excusing his language or disrespectful behaviour, just addressing this specific aspect of op’s situation.

I’m sorry to hear his dad was emotionally abusive however what you’ve described is you’re now in an emotional abusive relationship with your son- being sworn at, tip toeing round so you don’t upset him etc. He’s only 14yrs old why are you letting him speak to you and treat you like this? I would be grounding him, taking his phone away etc or maybe try to talk to him, whatever you do, do something as this is not ok. Good luck ❤️

Sorry just read what you- hope it works for you ❤️

Why are you tiptoeing around him?

No wonder he feels like he can swear at you and be disrespectful.

Put your foot down!!

Send him to his Dads to live but don’t tell Dad that you can’t cope etc, just say that he seems happier there and act completely unphased by that. That easy relationship they have will last about 5 minutes when Dad realises you’re not actually in competition with him and that your son is on the way to being a disrespectful, mysoginistic man. Then when he asks to come back because him and his Dad have fallen out (could almost guarantee this) agree to it if he agrees to change and be more respectful.

Does he get an allowance? I would be docking him a pound every time he swore at me.

Lightbulb moment! Yes his dad was very similar with me.

This is really interesting. He says to me sometimes that I am having a go at him or criticising him.when I am.just merely talking to him. He even says 'why are you sighing?' When I'm not.
Its hard, sometimes I think he's so sad and angry at me and I worry

No 14 year old would be talking to me like that. His computer, phone and privileges would all be gone until he behaved with respect.

Equally why do you baby him? If he’s old enough to swear at you, he’s old enough to feed himself and sort his shit out. You don’t need to feed into the misogynist narrative that women are just domestic drones to be abused. Start treating him like the emerging young adult he is becoming. And teach him that respect works both ways.

To be fair OP you're not really giving him much reason to respect you if you're tiptoeing round him and doing everything for him.

I don't mean that to sound nasty, I want it to give you a kick up the arse to stop being a doormat, start standing up for yourself and refusing to accept his speech and behaviour.

This sounds really hard.

14 is still very young and contrary to what some are saying I would still parent in quite a boundaried way. He does need to become more responsible and autonomous but it doesn't sound like he's in a good enough place to take up that responsibility.

I would choose a calmer moment to have a conversation in which you layout what is acceptable and what is not going to be tolerated from now on. You could ask him how he would feel if he heard someone else speaking to their parents the way he speaks to you or whether he would consider speaking to anyone else like this. You could discuss potential consequences for his behaviour and use screen time and allowance etc as a reward to be earned as opposed to an entitlement.

If and when the behaviour is repeated I would calmly state that "I will not be spoken to in this way, by you or anyone else" and then repeat that or withdraw from the engagement. If you have discussed what is and isn't acceptable to can remind him of that conversation and agreement.

Neither of you are happy or having a nice time but have confidence that you are the grown up and you can turn this around.

FWIW, I am a parent of teens so not speaking some fairytale castle. I am v lucky to not have an unhelpful ex in the picture and recognise that. However, my DC have never and will never speak to me like that. I personally find it easier to give no wiggle room, so I don't overlook unfair grumpiness or shortness or impoliteness either and that makes it easier for them to know swearing at me would be the end of the line. I was a shitty teen but I was one of the youngest and think my parents had almost given up fighting by my turn and so they let me speak in a way I just wouldn't tolerate from my DC now. For that reason I've been quite tight on this side of parenting (I don't involve myself in their homework/PE kit/breakfast or packed lunches) from the get go.

Thanks all.
I do need to toughen up.with him and I have started today. He asked this morning if he could go to his friends today after football and I said as long as he did his homework and wasnt rude to me. He was rude so I said no.
The computer in his room- his dad bought it for him for his homework and it comes back and forth with him so.I can't take it from him.
Managed to speak to him about it all earlier, hoping things will slowly improve.

Btw he doesn't now who Tate is.

I wouldnt be sworn at. My go to in having respect was always -I don't speak to you like that, so I don't expect you to do it to me. X

Why do people normalise this kind of behaviour because it’s ‘teenagers’??
If I’d have treated my mother like that I’d have had EVERYTHING removed and been grounded to sit in my room with nothing to do or watch. I certainly wouldn’t have been allowed a computer to play on!

Teenagers can be sulky and snappy at times, but the behaviour that some people seem to think is normal absolutely shouldn’t be. Swearing at parents is disgusting and should never be acceptable!

I despair reading this forum at times.

Not sure anyone has normalised it?
I wouldn't have dared to have spoken to my parents like this either. I'm horrified tbh

You can set screen time limits, WiFi controls and ensure it is only used for specific pieces of homework, not on after bedtime/during mealtimes etc.

Are you sure you don’t criticise him?

Everything probably sounds like a criticism (nagging) from his point of view, do you ever praise or compliment him?

A gp isn’t going to deal with a disrespectful teen and he’s need to say he’s depressed or anxious which op hasn’t suggested, I don’t understand what you think the school would do either

@SouthernBelle21 I would assume that a parent would ask their child if they were depressed before taking them to the GP because they were being rude. If every vile teen was brought to the GP there’d be no appointments left for anyone else!

I would stop with the homework. It’s his decision to do it. School will issue consequences.
I have a 16 year old and they left it until last minute. I told him your poor planning does not constitute my emergency. Left him to it. He was too worried about getting a detention so did it himself and stopped the nag from me.

He is copying his father by the way he talks to you. This is not ok. Would you like that he talks to other women in his life like this? Put screen limits on his phone. My kid is now Y12 and apps are switched off at 10pm. He’s got WhatsApp in case he’s out and needs to call as he does Scouts etc. No computer after dinner. We have dinner late as I don’t finish work until 8pm.

we do butt heads and always have done. But I tell him not to speak to me like that or the next time he wants something it will be a no. I had to get his dad my DH involved as he was oblivious to how DS speaks to me like I’m the shit on his shoe.

chores - I just go straight to bat shit crazy mom. I try the nice approach eg please take the recycling out and being polite. And asking and asking. Now I just yell loudly that it needs doing right now after I’ve asked the first time kindly.

no school uniform then that’s DS problem. Get a detention at school. He can call his dad to bring it over. Don’t be controlled by your ex anymore.

“Excuse me, what did you just say to me?!” Big consequence to follow. And a backing off of what you do for him. At this age he can make meals for himself and also put a wash on. Further consequence being removal of phone/Xbox/PS and it carries on you won’t be paying to enable any of that. I have this with DD 13. She’s too bone idle to make herself basic food. She’s tried swearing at me but the only response she gets is me walking away. Starve or step up. I still iron uniform but I’m ready to stop if she carries on. Luckily no Disney Dad here but it’s a seemingly endless slog every day. These fucking kids!