14 year old son driving me mad

[Isitmeyourecookingfor]

Ok, so I'm reading some other threads on here and feeling grateful I suppose.
I share custody with my ex of our DS14 and DD 11, which isn't an easy co-parentig relationship as he was emotionally abusive.
DS is now the age where he knows everything and I know nothing, I remember that age myself. I get it but more and more the way he speaks to me is unacceptable. He gets angry and calls me an fing idiot, fig stupid, f* off, etc. He says I talk too much and won't let me ask him 'too many' questions or 'I'm going on'.
I get that too, but some things are kind of important, like has he done his homework, has he got his uniform from his dad's etc.
He's got up in the foulest mood this morning, I've made him breakfast and he's grunted at me and been upstairs on his computer all day after shoutig at me.
We had a chat last night that maybe he should do his homework.this morning and have the rest of the weekend to chill as he has a football match to pay in on Sunday afternoon, an hour away. Yes he said. He also chatted abiut how he wants to do well.this year (Year 10) and start off on the right foot.
Well after the swearing today I'm fed up. I realise I tiptoe around him not to annoy him and he does nothing around the house. I realise I still take.plates out of his room, wake him up for school, etc.
I've told him he can make his own dinner, set his own alarm for school, iron his own uniform and make his own way to football tomorrow unless he apologies and sorts his behaviour out.
Anyone else's DS like this?
Thing is his dad gets him whatever he wants, lets him stay up late on his phone and doesn't ask him about homework so it's all left to my weekend.

@Isitmeyourecookingfor what’s he like after the outbursts? Is he remorseful?

I'd say 75% of the time he apologises pretty soon after. Sometimes he says it's my fault that I makenhim angry. Then we usually have a conversation about how it is ok to be angry but not ok to swear at me. He never hits me.
A few other points- he doesn't get an allowance, he asks for money if he's going out with his friends.
He is good at school, although lazy with his homework, and he is very good at football. I always tell him i am proud of him when he plays well or does well at school and I tell him I love him every day and he tells me too, for example when he leaves for school he always says 'bye, love you mum!'

Think carefully about what he needs you most for. Lifts to friends, washing, buying him things when he asks and stop. Be ready for a mini war, but eventually he should know the limits and start to realise how things have to be. In my experience taking away phones, computers or having shouting matches , just does not work. Be consistent, be calm. Ultimately make it his choice what he’d like to do.

Gosh some real judgment on this thread from people who I assume haven’t been in this situation with their children. Sorry to hear it’s tough at the moment OP. I’ve been there / still am there sometimes and two things that have massively helped me are an organisation called CAPA First Response and book called The Explosive Child. I also found Get Out Of My Life But First Take Me and Alex To Town quite helpful. Some of it feels really counterintuitive especially if you’ve been raised in an environment of “respect your elders” or been in an abusive relationship and I didn’t believe it would work but it really did. There is light on the other side and I wish you the best with it.

ETA my son also had a type of therapy called DBT when he was seeing a therapist about something else and that’s great for anger management if you do decide to explore that route.

Sounds like typical teen pushing back. Wants to be treated like an adult but still acting like a child. Sit down and tell him that if he wants you to stop nagging as he sees it that he can be responsible for doing his homework, laundry and bringing his washing up down etc. Say that you don't need to know where he's going just the time he'll be home for dinner etc. He'll soon get fed up of having ro do his own laundry etc. Leave a note with instructions by the washing machine so no excuse he's forgotten how to do it.
Definitely speak to him about being rude. That's totally unacceptable. Good luck!