14 year old son driving me mad

[Isitmeyourecookingfor]

Ok, so I'm reading some other threads on here and feeling grateful I suppose.
I share custody with my ex of our DS14 and DD 11, which isn't an easy co-parentig relationship as he was emotionally abusive.
DS is now the age where he knows everything and I know nothing, I remember that age myself. I get it but more and more the way he speaks to me is unacceptable. He gets angry and calls me an fing idiot, fig stupid, f* off, etc. He says I talk too much and won't let me ask him 'too many' questions or 'I'm going on'.
I get that too, but some things are kind of important, like has he done his homework, has he got his uniform from his dad's etc.
He's got up in the foulest mood this morning, I've made him breakfast and he's grunted at me and been upstairs on his computer all day after shoutig at me.
We had a chat last night that maybe he should do his homework.this morning and have the rest of the weekend to chill as he has a football match to pay in on Sunday afternoon, an hour away. Yes he said. He also chatted abiut how he wants to do well.this year (Year 10) and start off on the right foot.
Well after the swearing today I'm fed up. I realise I tiptoe around him not to annoy him and he does nothing around the house. I realise I still take.plates out of his room, wake him up for school, etc.
I've told him he can make his own dinner, set his own alarm for school, iron his own uniform and make his own way to football tomorrow unless he apologies and sorts his behaviour out.
Anyone else's DS like this?
Thing is his dad gets him whatever he wants, lets him stay up late on his phone and doesn't ask him about homework so it's all left to my weekend.

So he does have restrictions on his phone- a certain amount of time and no apps after 9pm. Phone is charged downstairs.
To be clear, he isn't like this all day every day. He can be very loving and open and chatty.
He would never speak to his Dad like this rarely his sister.
He is very good at sport and good at school, i do praise him for his achievements.
Just need to get tougher I guess, I just don't need to give his dad any ammunition. Maybe it is cocnfusisng to DS being in 2 homes and 2 diff styles of parenting?

At 14 I’d consider homework and uniform to be their responsibility (although I’d wash and dry whatever was in the laundry basket).

Time limit for screens? or remove them if he’s rude.

My 14 year old does the dishwasher daily without question. It’s taken us a long time to get to this point

At 14 I’d consider homework and uniform to be their responsibility (although I’d wash and dry whatever was in the laundry basket).

Time limit for screens? or remove them if he’s rude.

My 14 year old does the dishwasher daily without question. It’s taken us a long time to get to this point

I used to tell my son that this had better be his hormones talking… He could come back and talk to me when his brain was in the driving seat and he was ready to apologise and speak with respect. If he didn’t cool off, devices were removed.

I have a 15yo DS (and he has an older brother and sister so this isn't my first time parenting a teen) and here's my take on it.

It does sound like you micro manage him a bit and treat him as younger than he is. I don't make breakfast or lunch for my DS, and I don't ask him if he's done his homework. Mine is doing well at school so I assume he must be usually doing it and he'll get a detention if he doesn't. I don't pick up stuff off his bedroom floor or nag him to do it - if he runs out of clean clothes or has to wear an unwashed football kit then that's his own problem! I don't wake him up for school either (although I would if I thought he'd overslept one day).

But threatening not to make his dinner sounds a bit OTT to me. (Realistically how many 14yo's make their own dinner?) I wash and iron his stuff (IF it's in the basket) and give him lifts to football and his friends.

Leaving his uniform at his dad's - would it help if he had a few more uniform shirts and trousers if this is a particular issue?

I would not tolerate him swearing at me and would remove his phone every single time that happened. I'd try not to get into a fight about it though - just keep things as calm and logical as possible - ok you did this so here is the consequence. Like getting a detention at school.

I try to listen to his perspective if he thinks I've treated him unfairly and I apologise if I get it wrong (with mine, treating him differently from his siblings is the biggest source of grievance).

I also tell him I love him and he's brilliant and I'm proud of him a lot.

Good luck OP! It's a tricky age for sure.

I think all teenagers are very susceptible; they hear critisicm even though there isn't any. I second giving space for them to calm down and talk about their behaviour afterwards.

As for homework I go through it with my DS. I know he's lazy so would only do the bare minimum if not. And it will get harder later on when he is supposed to be independant if he hasn't learnt his lessons well. He's 12 and hormones are making him into a little brat sometimes but he soon pull his neck in because he knows that he won't get his phone or tablet if his homework isn't done and if his behaviour is off. That's really the magic wand with teens. In my house having electronic devices are a priviliege you earn not a due.

Honestly, no. He knows it’s no way to speak to anyone, just like his dad does- do either of them speak to their teachers or boss like that? It’s a choice he’s making

i would also speak explicitly to your dd about how it’s unacceptable. Otherwise she will risk growing up thinking that this is how interactions between men and women should be and will find relationships with this familiar dynamic.

Have a proper chat with him @Isitmeyourecookingfor. Not when you're feeling angry or upset. Tell him the swearing and disrespect has to stop, and let him know exactly what consequences will happen if it doesn't. Ask him what changes he would like you to make too and, if they're reasonable, try to make some concessions on your part. He's growing up and he wants to feel that you recognise that.

Op i have had the same with my 14yr old. Its been hell. What i realised is ive been doing everything for him and also tiptoeing around trying to appease him/bring him round when he got moody and rude. Ive totally changed my approach and a month later its so much better.

If hes rude I tell him firmly to not be rude...if it carries on then his xbox gets taken away for a few days
I dont make his breakfast, sort or ask about his school bag, uniform etc...its his responsibility. He had to go to school one day without any books because he was expecting me to have sorted it...well he learned the hard way.
His bedroom and taking out the bins are his chores and responsibility for the week. His room he clears any plates/cups, sort his laundry, dusts and hoovers. I tell him it needs to be done on Sat/Sunday. If by 7pm Sunday its not done I remind him and tell him to sort it out by 9pm latest.
Homework I check on my portal for school, i do ask him about homework but more from a "do you understand it, do you want to talk it through" point of view. I dont nag, as again it's his responsibility. He has to do homework every evening before he even thinks about watching tv or gaming.

Unfortunately as its just me and him, he has started to disrespect me and see me like his skivvy at home....thats what's started this. Ive not let him fend for himself and be responsible. Now ive altered my approach, hes becoming less rude and is actually doing really well at school etc and at home. He wants to clean his room, he wants to see what hes capable of etc...

Good luck OP

Op i have had the same with my 14yr old. Its been hell. What i realised is ive been doing everything for him and also tiptoeing around trying to appease him/bring him round when he got moody and rude. Ive totally changed my approach and a month later its so much better.

If hes rude I tell him firmly to not be rude...if it carries on then his xbox gets taken away for a few days
I dont make his breakfast, sort or ask about his school bag, uniform etc...its his responsibility. He had to go to school one day without any books because he was expecting me to have sorted it...well he learned the hard way.
His bedroom and taking out the bins are his chores and responsibility for the week. His room he clears any plates/cups, sort his laundry, dusts and hoovers. I tell him it needs to be done on Sat/Sunday. If by 7pm Sunday its not done I remind him and tell him to sort it out by 9pm latest.
Homework I check on my portal for school, i do ask him about homework but more from a "do you understand it, do you want to talk it through" point of view. I dont nag, as again it's his responsibility. He has to do homework every evening before he even thinks about watching tv or gaming.

Unfortunately as its just me and him, he has started to disrespect me and see me like his skivvy at home....thats what's started this. Ive not let him fend for himself and be responsible. Now ive altered my approach, hes becoming less rude and is actually doing really well at school etc and at home. He wants to clean his room, he wants to see what hes capable of etc...

Good luck OP

Does your son know anything about why you and his Dad split up? Did he witness his Dad being mean to you? Just a thought, I mean I completely get it if you don’t want to say too much to him about it, especially if he then goes talking to his Dad, but maybe a really open conversation about how his behaviour is starting to feel like his Dad’s to you etc, may just have the desired affect and he thinks about it. He’s not a small child, at 14 I think he should know that if he doesn’t start modifying his behaviour to you, he’s starting to make you feel like his Dad did? I don’t know, it’s tricky but that’s my thoughts x

It doesn't matter if his dad bought the computer for him. It and he are in your house and subject to your rules! You can install a parental control app and set time limits, and even limit use of you tube/gaming etc (so you could make sure he has access to the resources he needs for homework but not for gaming).

Thanks everyone, we've had a good chat today and I've set some ground rules.
I've said that I won't be checking his homework anymore and it's down to him and that his room is his room. If there are plates in his room they stay there, washing in his washing bin gets washed, doesn't if its on the floor.
We spent a large part of today in A&E because of an injury yesterday and he'll be at home for a few more days before he goes back to school so we will be spending quite a bit of time together.
Will chat about the way he speaks to me tomorrow but I did say I feel unappreciated today and he apologised and said he does appreciate me, especially today. I do think a lot is hormones as he is up.down, up down but he shouldn't speak like he does.
Someone asked about his dad, yes he did hear his dad speak to me the same way... maybe I need to tell him that's why we separated....

This is great, thank you!

Well done OP, that sounds like a really good conversation. I hope he recovers ok from the injury.

I still have young children so I am talking nonsense probably, but if it were my son speaking to me like that he’d lose all privileges. If he can’t speak to you and behave with basic respect and follow the rules of your home, he will get no more than basic care. I don’t mean love, but he would have no treats, no money, no WiFi, no computer, no phone, no lifts. My reply to his ‘you’re annoying’ would be ‘it’s only the start of how annoying I will be if your stinking attitude doesn’t leave this damn house right now!’

If he continues abusing you this way, chuck him out to his abusive father! Do not stand for it!

Thanks everyone, these reponses have given me lots of food for thought and ideas moving forwards.
Some are very mumsnetty 😄. From he's depressed to chuck him out. I certainly won't be "chucking him out" to live with his dad where I am now pretty sure he may have learned these behaviours.
I do think he's trying to tell me something via his behaviour so I need to listen more and back off micromanaging too.
Sorry to those who are going through similar, stay strong x

All behaviour is communication.

OP you have to remember that being a good parent is so hard. Sounds like his dad is not prepared to put in the work preferring "friendship" over fathering. Kids need boundaries at all ages, even if they were older living in your house you'd still set boundaries. He needs to take some responsibility by doing some little things for himself. Whilst I agree the swearing is flat out wrong it could be stemming from underlying lack of confidence and trying to act like a 'big man'. Unfortunately there is no getting away from the fact that his dad is letting him down by having such low expectations every other weekend. You need to have a chat with your son about acceptable behaviour, tone and attitude towards you, and about what is reasonable for him to do at his age (yes getting self up is a life skill!). Good luck and just remember it is not always easy being a parent to a teen but you need to stay available particularly if his dad is giving him all the freedom he wants. Good luck

Take money off his allowance for the swearing words. More for c* for example. Be consistent with it.

Get out of my life but first take me and Alex into town was an excellent read

Nice bragg. Very helpful.

Rightly or wrongly I'd probably listen to what he's saying- he doesn't want lots of questions and reminders. So let him get on with things. What system is he going to use to remind himself?

At 14 setting an alarm isn't an unreasonable thing for him to do. Even ironing a shirt. And if he can make his own way to football safely why not sometimes?

He's going to learn from the natural consequences. Better to do that now.

Hey OP. I also have a pretty similar situation going on. He also doesn't do it every day, the days he does do it are when he loses control and he becomes quite emotional. I'm trying to sort out some anger managment for him and some counselling. I have started to send everything that comes from school on to his Dad as proof that he is struggling at the moment, up until recently Dad was being incredibly counter productive to the work myself and school were trying to do with him. Sending on the paperwork seems to be working.
I have agreed with school that I will let them manage the homework situation to stop it countering my relationship him as they can also see he's struggling so are putting in support to help him. He's on the list for help with safeguarding but the list is long so I think we will go private the anger management.
It's nowhere near as simple as taking his phone or xbox which will escalate it without trying to understand the root cause. As someone else said all behaviour is communication.

Hey OP. I also have a pretty similar situation going on. He also doesn't do it every day, the days he does do it are when he loses control and he becomes quite emotional. I'm trying to sort out some anger managment for him and some counselling. I have started to send everything that comes from school on to his Dad as proof that he is struggling at the moment, up until recently Dad was being incredibly counter productive to the work myself and school were trying to do with him. Sending on the paperwork seems to be working.
I have agreed with school that I will let them manage the homework situation to stop it countering my relationship him as they can also see he's struggling so are putting in support to help him. He's on the list for help with safeguarding but the list is long so I think we will go private the anger management.
It's nowhere near as simple as taking his phone or xbox which will escalate it without trying to understand the root cause. As someone else said all behaviour is communication.

Thanks for this. Yes, sounds like we are in a similar situation although school aren't involved with us- his school work is fine and he's doing very well.
Also, my son doesn't act up everyday, the same as you, when he's emotional and hr can't seem to stop the horrible words coming out of his mouth.
Maybe I should look into anger management for him too....