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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

How would you deal with DD who is nearly 18?

85 replies

playdead · 28/08/2025 07:51

DD did something extremely stupid which has cost thousands for us to fix. Most people have told us that they would have kicked her out. We will not be buying her the big present we were going to get her for her 18th and we’re not throwing her the big party she wanted. I’m not going into what she did as I have family members on here.

DH is sure she’s smoking weed. I think maybe she is but I’m not sure. He listens to her conversations outside her door, wants to know where she, who she is with and what she is doing 100% of the time. He wants to withhold her wages so she can pay back some of the damage. They go in to my account as she’s not 18 yet.

She wants to go to a concert in a city 4 hours away just after her 18th birthday in October. She wants money to buy a ticket. Should I give her the money?

I think she’s being punished enough. DH doesn’t trust her to go away for a weekend with her friends and go to a concert.

What would you do? Thanks in advance.

OP posts:

zaxxon · 28/08/2025 07:52

If she has a job, surely she's responsible for buying her own gig tickets?

Dancingdance · 28/08/2025 07:53

She needs to pay you back so no, don’t pay for the concert tickets or any money for the weekend away. Your husband sounds controlling if he’s listening to her conversations by standing outside her bedroom!

Momstermash94 · 28/08/2025 07:54

They are her wages you can't withhold them

HappySummerDays · 28/08/2025 07:55

Why are her wages being paid into your account? People under 18 have bank accounts.

EchoedSilence · 28/08/2025 07:55

She needs her own bank account for a start. Then you can decide how much to take off her to pay you back. Your DH needs to back off too,

FionnulaTheCooler · 28/08/2025 07:55

Why doesn't a 17 year old have her own bank account?

Imagineallthepuppies · 28/08/2025 07:56

Without knowing what she’s done the first bit is hard to say but no, you can’t withhold her wages and your dh shouldn’t be listening to her conversations and being so controlling over who she’s with and what she’s doing.

If she wants concert tickets she needs to buy them.

If you want her gone, ask her to leave.

MigGril · 28/08/2025 07:56

Why are you getting her wage? That is odd, DD has had her own back account since 12 and when she started working at 16 it was paid to her.

Anyway, sounds like you need to set a payment plan for her to payback what you have had to payout. I'd be taking a set amount off her a month, she could then do what she wants with the rest. She's almost 18 and you can't stop her from doing certain things. Is she working or planning on going into higher education or still at college?

Time4changeagain · 28/08/2025 07:57

Why isn’t she getting her wage paid into her own current account? She doesn’t have to be 18 for a bank account!
She needs to pay you back but you can’t withhold her wages.

WorkCleanRepeat · 28/08/2025 07:57

You can't withhold her wages but if you want her to make a contribution to/pay for damages then speak to her about it.

SaltAirAndTheRust · 28/08/2025 07:58

Absolutely not.

Is she working? She needs to be paying you back with every penny from her pay before she thinks of going off to concerts.

rainbowstardrops · 28/08/2025 07:59

It’s difficult to say, as we don’t know the severity of what she’s done but I’d assume she’s smashed a window or something.
I think not buying her a lavish 18th gift and no party, is probably quite enough but I’d possibly be expecting her to pay some of the money back.
Your DH needs to back off though! She’s going to be 18 soon and he’ll just push her away if he carries on controlling her!
I suggest she gets her wages paid into her own account and she buys her own tickets etc.

smallslyfox · 28/08/2025 07:59

..My wages have been paid into my bank account since I was 15, what the actual hell? No wonder she's being a pain in the arse you're treating her like a small child.

And no you can't keep her wages, that's theft. You're not buying her a present for her birthday and you've cancelled her party, she's been punished enough. Out of curiosity do you plan on celebrating the day at all?

I'm really curious to know what she's done, unless she's killed the family pet or something this all sounds over the top for a silly albeit expensive mistake. Was what she did on purpose or just idiotic?

bert3400 · 28/08/2025 07:59

I can't believe you take her wages away...that's awful. No wonder she makes monumental mistakes, you have bought her up in a very controlling manor. Stop it now. She probably smokes weed to escape your tyranny...I can't believe what I have just read 😳 from a mother of 4 well functioning adults

MemorableTrenchcoat · 28/08/2025 08:00

Why doesn’t a nearly 18 year old have their own bank account? Why can’t someone who could legally have left home almost 2 years ago be trusted to go away for a weekend?

deplorabelle · 28/08/2025 08:01

An under 18 can have a bank account. She should have her wages paid directly to her. It is her money. You can ask for a reasonable sum towards food and house upkeep but you should not be taking money out willy nilly or withholding her wages from her.

Octavia64 · 28/08/2025 08:01

You cannot withhold her wages.

i would however be talking to her about paying for at least some of the damage.

is the thing she did likely to re-occur? Is that why your dh is trying to monitor her behaviour very closely?

it’s quite hard to answer without knowing what sort of thing it was - so for example if you were away for the weekend and she had a party and the house got trashed I would most certainly not be going away again but I’d be letting her go to concerts once a payment plan was agreed.

Runningismyhappyplace50 · 28/08/2025 08:02

Why doesn’t she have her own bank account- my dc have had their own since they were little. Withholding her wages is controlling.

Yes, she should pay back what she owes for the damage but her dad needs to step back a bit- she is 18 years old.

FollowSpot · 28/08/2025 08:02

There is confusion here:

Is she paying you back out of her wages, or are you withholding birthday presents / party as punishment?

Is your aim to reclaim costs, or adjust her behaviour?

Does she want to take responsibility and pay the money back?

Was it a bad mistake that could have happened to anyone in a bad / misguided moment at her age, or a wilful, selfish obviously reckless act?

I don’t know about the gig because we don’t know how far her stupid deed was a breach of trust.

You and your DH need to be clear between yourselves about what sanctions are in place and why, and how far they will go on.

Cancelling her big birthday present and treats AND taking her wages AND refusing her the gig all sounds too much.

But of course you shouldn’t have kicked her out!

Kneeslikethese · 28/08/2025 08:03

Same as others, I can't get past her wages being paid into your account. My ds is 15, his wages go into his account.
If she needs to pay you back for whatever has happened then you need to arrange a repayment plan with her but you can't just take her wages, surely that's not legal?

iirbRosb · 28/08/2025 08:05

I know you don’t want to say what she did but was it an accident and was it something that was caused by her not following what she was supposed to do etc.
I think you need to be careful about continuing to punish - you’ve decided not to do the present or party which is fine and her paying some back is fine but you need to decide how much and let her know.
If she’s 18 in October i would be accepting her can’t know everything about her life. I also wonder if you should expect 50% of her wages as if you’re taking it all what’s she living on?

CurlewKate · 28/08/2025 08:05

Can’t comment without knowing what she did. Taking the family car while drunk without a licence and crashing it (like my nephew did) is one thing. Spilling peroxide over a new carpet (like my dd did) entirely different.

Listening at doors is never, ever OK.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 28/08/2025 08:05

She earns her own money, you cannot take it and dictate what she does with it. That's crazy!

Why do her wages go into your account? Mine have had their own current account with a debit card since they were 13, and go Henry style accounts from around 7.

How does she shop online etc? Does she have to run every purchase past you before being allowed?

This teamed with her dad eavesdropping at her door very much points towards a very controlling household.

ChewyMints · 28/08/2025 08:06

Go to the bank today and set up her own account

Given that your boundaries are so effed up, I'm not entirely sure that your account of her misdeeds can be relied upon.

Was it an accident, a careless mistake or deliberate act that caused the damage?

And your DH is incredibly controlling. You might want to consider how this has fed into whatever circumstances occurred because it has, in all liklihood

chocolate08 · 28/08/2025 08:06

She definitely needs her own bank account. It's so much easier as a parent too when they can pay for things when they're out!
Without knowing what she did, it's hard to advise. But, children make mistakes and they're learning all the time. Is she realistically going to be able to pay everything back, and should she? Is she apologetic and how's her attitude to what happened? Be careful it doesn't affect your relationship and definitely don't let it affect her birthday. I'd say yes to the concert to be honest and discuss some kind of realistic contribution for what happened.

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