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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How would you deal with DD who is nearly 18?

85 replies

playdead · 28/08/2025 07:51

DD did something extremely stupid which has cost thousands for us to fix. Most people have told us that they would have kicked her out. We will not be buying her the big present we were going to get her for her 18th and we’re not throwing her the big party she wanted. I’m not going into what she did as I have family members on here.

DH is sure she’s smoking weed. I think maybe she is but I’m not sure. He listens to her conversations outside her door, wants to know where she, who she is with and what she is doing 100% of the time. He wants to withhold her wages so she can pay back some of the damage. They go in to my account as she’s not 18 yet.

She wants to go to a concert in a city 4 hours away just after her 18th birthday in October. She wants money to buy a ticket. Should I give her the money?

I think she’s being punished enough. DH doesn’t trust her to go away for a weekend with her friends and go to a concert.

What would you do? Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 28/08/2025 08:38

Controlling parents and a teen that rebels - tale as old as time.

Set up a payment plan (after getting her a bank account of her own) and make sure she sticks to it. Teaching her financial responsibility will do her more favours than endlessly punishing her.

ChilliChoco · 28/08/2025 08:38

Is she remorseful over what she did? Has she said she's sorry and what is her general attitude to being responsible?

MemorableTrenchcoat · 28/08/2025 08:42

playdead · 28/08/2025 08:34

I’m not considering buying her concert tickets. She can pay for them from her wages.
I can't go into what she did. It cost approx 3k. It may have started off as stupid but she carried on. We know she drinks. She doesn’t drink that much. She’s only been drunk 2 or 3 times. DH thinks she must have taken drugs to allow what happened to happen.

You can go into it, you’re just choosing not to.

luckylavender · 28/08/2025 08:46

Getting her money paid to you is abusive

andanotherproblem · 28/08/2025 08:47

She works for her money, you cannot control what she does with it. She needs her own bank account. How controlling.

Soontobe60 · 28/08/2025 08:47

You do realise with this level of control once she hits 18 she’s likely to move out?
Set up a payment plan for whatever it is she broke.
Give her all her wages - they’re not yours to control.
Go ahead with her party - she’ll never be able to have an 18th party again.
You cant punish her for every.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 28/08/2025 08:50

Whatever she did, how is she ever going to get past it if you continue to use her mistake as a stick to beat her with? You need to draw a line under what’s happened, make a plan to sort out the money she owes you and rebuild the trust between you. If you carry on the way you are, you risk her walking straight out the door as soon as she turns 18.

Has she shown any remorse for what she’s done? Have you considered counselling together to get all your thoughts and feelings out on the table? Your DH is making the situation worse with his controlling behaviour. Would you put up with him listening in to your conversations with friends and denying you access to your wages? This behaviour will only make your DD run for the hills as soon as she can.

You should go ahead with an 18th birthday party but just explain that due to lack of funds it’ll have to be scaled back.

zaxxon · 28/08/2025 09:05

This is very messy. You're mixing up all kinds of things:

  • the financial damage stemming from whatever she did
  • the "punishment" aspect of making her aware that she's done something wrong
  • your ability to control her finances, due to her legally not being able to receive her wages
  • your worries about her drug/alcohol use
  • your worries about her increasing independence as she nears adulthood
  • her birthday celebration
  • your worries about you and DH not being a united front and undermining each other
  • your worries that other people will think you're being too soft on her

These are all separate issues. You need to put some thought into untangling them.

Seeline · 28/08/2025 09:10

She's nearly an adult and not allowed her own wages.
She has no privacy - has private conversations listened to, and has every movement tracked.

Without knowing the circumstances of what happened, or what she did, it's hard to give advice.

But unless she is treated like an adult, you are either going to end up with a few more 'situations' or you are going to lose her.

TheEllisGreyMethod · 28/08/2025 09:15

Quite hard to advise with half a story.

Ohnobackagain · 28/08/2025 09:15

@luckylavender they are not in the UK so apparently she has an account but wages can’t be paid into it until she’s 18 when it will become a full adult account.

NannyOggsScones · 28/08/2025 09:17

I find it very hard to believe that you live somewhere where an under 18 can work but can’t have their own bank account. You are being so selective over the information you are providing that no one can offer proper advice. Someone who controls their 17 y.o.’s. finances and listens at doors is probably going to have a very different opinion about what the “terrible” thing is compared to someone else. Without knowing more details you are coming across (possibly wrongly) quite badly.

Adelle79360 · 28/08/2025 09:39

I would have thought you need to agree with her what she is going to repay to you for the damage each month. Whatever she has left over is then hers to spend on what she likes. If she can afford the concert ticket on what’s left than she can go, if she can’t then that is a consequence of her actions, and you can’t have what you can’t afford.

Whether you let her go or not is another issue - I can understand the drugs worry and also that whatever happened with the damage she has caused would lead to you not trusting her. Could you agree the plan and arrangements with her so you know timings, where she’ll be etc, ask her to check in with you at set times with a text message?

I’ll assume for now you’re being truthful about the fact that whatever country you live in doesn’t allow under 18’s to have their own bank account.

IHaveRunOutOfIdeas · 28/08/2025 09:41

playdead · 28/08/2025 08:34

I’m not considering buying her concert tickets. She can pay for them from her wages.
I can't go into what she did. It cost approx 3k. It may have started off as stupid but she carried on. We know she drinks. She doesn’t drink that much. She’s only been drunk 2 or 3 times. DH thinks she must have taken drugs to allow what happened to happen.

But how can she buy them from her wages when you have her money? Do you give her the full wage she has earned?

greglet · 28/08/2025 09:48

@playdead Does she work full time or is she still in education? What are her plans for the next year or two (I.e. is she going away to study; will she be living at home; does she pay rent?)?

RainyDayCoffee · 28/08/2025 09:50

OP,
I have a DD18 who caused us financial loss of nearly 2k recently. She says she will repay from her wages but she earns very little and even if she does it will take forever..
We have even started to give her an allowance monthly despite the fact she earns and owes us a lot of money.
We have said this allowance and her to wages are for non essentials like concert tickets, make up and socialising. We have no access to her wages..she used to have an account we controlled as we set it up when she was 11 but she now has her own bank account. Recently she was out and phoned for a 20 pound loan and we refused..previously we would have bailed her out. Slowly we are learning. I am still furious about our 2k loss but more than the money I want DD to learn money skills. She has ADHD and is terrible at saving.
I have no advice but my experience is they hate being controlled and monitored and it just causes them to be more silly and sneaky.
We need boundaries and stick to it. But it's extremely hard.

Xx

rainbowstardrops · 28/08/2025 10:37

TheEllisGreyMethod · 28/08/2025 09:15

Quite hard to advise with half a story.

Quite!
So what if you have relatives on here? Is it a secret what she’s done?!

Dozer · 28/08/2025 10:38

17 year olds drinking alcohol isn’t unusual in Europe. Your H’s assumption that alcohol alone couldn’t explain DD’s poor decisions that contributed to what happened seems strange.

Branleuse · 28/08/2025 10:45

What did she actually do that makes you and your husband want to inflict all this misery on her?

blackpooolrock · 28/08/2025 10:56

She doesn’t drink that much. She’s only been drunk 2 or 3 times

that you know of... If you don't know if she smokes weed you sure as hell don't know how much she drinks.

ByGreyWriter · 28/08/2025 11:43

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LlamaNoDrama · 28/08/2025 11:45

If she's 18 and wants to go to a gig she can go. I'd say you having and withholding her wages would be abusive.

HelpMeGetThrough · 28/08/2025 11:49

I would say as soon as she’s able to, she’s going to bail out and stay away from you, I know I would be.

Seems to me she’s got a bit of a crap life with controlling parents and an earwigging old man.

Timeforabitofpeace · 28/08/2025 11:50

If she is very nearly 18 she should go. She’ll rebel very badly if she is constrained at that age. Your issue is your money and also how she behaves in your house, and with your stuff, and risking your reputation whilst living with you. Those things are your business. The rest is hers, ultimately. I can’t helpfully comment on the rest as I dont know the specifics.

DaisyChain505 · 28/08/2025 11:51

It’s hard to give an opinion without knowing what she did.

Did she leave the front door open and someone came in and robbed your house of expensive goods or did she take your car without permission and crash it.

There’s a huge scale of possibilities.