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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

How would you deal with DD who is nearly 18?

85 replies

playdead · 28/08/2025 07:51

DD did something extremely stupid which has cost thousands for us to fix. Most people have told us that they would have kicked her out. We will not be buying her the big present we were going to get her for her 18th and we’re not throwing her the big party she wanted. I’m not going into what she did as I have family members on here.

DH is sure she’s smoking weed. I think maybe she is but I’m not sure. He listens to her conversations outside her door, wants to know where she, who she is with and what she is doing 100% of the time. He wants to withhold her wages so she can pay back some of the damage. They go in to my account as she’s not 18 yet.

She wants to go to a concert in a city 4 hours away just after her 18th birthday in October. She wants money to buy a ticket. Should I give her the money?

I think she’s being punished enough. DH doesn’t trust her to go away for a weekend with her friends and go to a concert.

What would you do? Thanks in advance.

OP posts:

GoldDuster · 28/08/2025 08:06

There is a big issue here with her relationship with you as parents of a 17 year old, way past the stupid costly mistake she has recently made.

Her father listening outside her door, and witholding her wages are concerning before we even get to whether or not she can go go the gig.

KittyHigham · 28/08/2025 08:09

It's impossible to answer.
Doing something "really stupid" may mean accidental. If it cost you thousands, does it not come under some sort of insurance?
If she did something deliberately, knowing it would cause damage or incur massive costs , that might be different. Do you as parents bare any responsibility in her upbringing, if she was ignorant about the circumstances? etc. Lots of variables

BeRoseSloth · 28/08/2025 08:09

Why doesn’t she have her own bank account? She doesn’t need to be 18 to open one.

AluckyEllie · 28/08/2025 08:10

Sounds like you are very controlling. Sort her with her own bank account and let her keep her money. What have you been doing before the incident- giving it to her in cash or something?

You punish, agree what the consequences are (no party/big present) and move on. You can’t just keep going on and on about it, you’ll push her away. As you will do being controlling of her money, listening to conversations. She’ll be leaving home in the next few years, you don’t want her never coming back or not speaking to you again.

Gagamama2 · 28/08/2025 08:13

You are punishing her enough. She has every right to recieve ALL her wages and pay for her concert ticket out of them.

Youre in that grey area of age where she is still technically a child but she also needs the freedom to become an adult. This means that at the moment while living under your roof you are somewhat reaponsible for clearing up her stupid mistakes as she is your child. 17 year olds really do make very very stupid mistakes sometimes and the damage is bigger than with little kids (crashing cars, getting arrested, etc). To a certain degree this is normal growing up behaviour, especially if it is accidental and especially if it has only happened once.

At nearly 18 she is def old enough to go to a concert with friends. What are you going to do, lock her in her bedroom? Once over 18 she is an adult and free to do as she wants, do you really think her behaviour and maturity is going to change that much in a few weeks? Sometimes you have to shut your eyes, grit your teeth and let them get on with it. The world isn’t without its dangers but at nearly 18 you have to let her navigate it. She is holding down a job so she’s showing responsibility there.

lots of teens smoke a bit of weed. I did. I haven’t touched it in years and it did not affect my functioning - went to uni, always had a job etc. I wouldn’t freak out too much

Snorlaxo · 28/08/2025 08:16

Lots of different issues here

Why doesn’t she have a bank account?
Why wouldn’t you open one if she didn’t need one before?
She’s 17 and possibly going away to uni next year - why are you treating her like she’s 12? The average 12 year old will have a bank account.

Time to sit down and come up with a punishment for what she did. There needs to be an end date. It’s hard to comment on what the punishment should be because we don’t know what she did but I assume it’s on the lines of damaging someone else’s car rather than hurting someone and that person having medical bills.

As for listening outside her room- you haven’t mentioned her engaging in dangerous activity like crime to warrant this. Smoking weed isn’t good but realistically she could go off to uni next year and do harder and stronger substances so you need a more balanced approach that takes her age into account. Treating her like she’s 12 now risks her being even more extreme when you’re not there.

Dozer · 28/08/2025 08:17

‘Most people have told us that they would have kicked her out’: really? Who are ‘most people’? Unless what she did was a violent crime or deliberate arson or something the idea of kicking out a 17 year old seems extreme.

Also shocked by your control over her wages, unless perhaps it’s not true ‘wages’ but money within the nuclear family, for chores or looking after younger siblings or something.

DahliaDreaming · 28/08/2025 08:19

I do think what she has done makes a difference in this situation so maybe im getting this all wrong but here's my thoughts...
I wouldn't be stopping her from having gifts and party for her 18th birthday. Everyone makes mistakes in their life (especially teenagers) and she still deserves to be made to feel special and loved by her parents. I wouldn't want my daughter to look back on her start to adulthood forever with shame and embarrassment for the mistake she made and how her parents didn't accept her for it. I think as parents its fair to say, we dont love what you've done, you will face consequences of this, but we still love and adore you as a person and as a daughter on your 18th birthday.
I think she should have her own bank account but I think she should be paying back an agreed amount for a period of time to reimburse your expense from her mistake. Whatever leftover is hers to do as she desires. It sounds like you need to come up (together) with a list of family rules. She is going to be 18 but she still lives in your house, if overnight stop outs are an absolute no from her Dad, it needs to be said "while you live here, you come home every night by 11pm" or whatever. If thats not a blanket rule, she gets to go the the concert and have the weekend away so long as she can afford it.
In regards to smoking weed - maybe she is, maybe she isn't. The way your husband seems to be, she will likely never tell you. If you make her feel safe and connected and stop judging her she may tell you, she probably wont stop because you tell her to, or even if you set it in your house rules, but she will probably stop anyway (I think most people I know smoked weed occasionally at 17 and nobody does now!)
Having a teenager is so hard. Well done and keep going. Shell be all grown soon x

Gazelda · 28/08/2025 08:20

you’re treating her as if she’s a child. Listening in, keeping her money, tracking her movements, taking away privileges, removing treats.

but you’re not punishing her in the way it’s recommended to punish a child, ie proportionate, relative to the misdeed, specific consequences. It seems this punishment is endless.

It’s difficult to get a grasp of the situation without knowing what she did. Presumably it was a terrible thing if your friends/family think it so severe that she should be thrown out.

but if she’s adult enough to have a job, she should be managing her own money. And have it in her own account. If she’s being expected to repay you for the damage, then it should be at an agreed realistic amount. Not every single penny she earns.

decide whether she’s a child or adult. Then agree an appropriate response to the mistake and stick to it. Don’t keep adding on more consequences.

your home sounds quite unhappy. If I were you, I’d decide on a way forward and then draw a line under this incident. Otherwise she’ll be leaving of her own accord and might never look back.

PowerhouseOfTheCell · 28/08/2025 08:22

At 17, the more controlling you try to be, the more sneaky and probably reckless her behaviour will get. She can't be tracked and monitored like a 12-year-old
Look at what she did and the reasoning behind it. Was it a genuine mistake? Did it start small and escalate because she was worried about telling you?
Absolutely, take a contribution from her wages, but allow her to buy a concert ticket.

Original poster

playdead · 28/08/2025 08:22

We’re not in the UK. That’s just how the account works. As soon as she’s 18 it’ll change to a full account. Her wages can’t be sent to her account as it is not an adults account.

OP posts:

Minnie798 · 28/08/2025 08:22

A 17 year olds wages should not be going into their parents bank account. You can get a current account for 11 year olds. Her dad listening to her conversations through her bedroom door is crazy.
No you don't withhold her wages from her. She's almost 18 and would likely benefit from being treated like the almost adult she is. Get her sorted with her own bank account asap. Agree ( with her) a reasonable monthly amount for her to pay you back ( one which does not leave her with nothing for herself) and she can send it to you via bank transfer on pay day.
Her dad needs to stop listening to her conversations at her door.

ThejoyofNC · 28/08/2025 08:23

Oh come on OP. She's coat you thousands and you want to buy her concert tickets?

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 28/08/2025 08:25

You can’t withhold her wages 😳

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 28/08/2025 08:25

playdead · 28/08/2025 08:22

We’re not in the UK. That’s just how the account works. As soon as she’s 18 it’ll change to a full account. Her wages can’t be sent to her account as it is not an adults account.

Regardless, you can’t just take her wages off her. That’s her money that she’s earned fair and square.

CarlaLemarchant · 28/08/2025 08:25

Ok, so maybe you need to discuss with her a contribution plan, agree a fixed monthly amount towards the costs but the rest of her wages are hers.

Were you not insured for whatever damage she did?

I don’t agree with listening outside her door. She’s entitled to privacy, although I’m sympathetic if she you genuinely believe she is using drugs. I think you are in danger of pushing her away. Yes I would allow her to use her own wages to buy concert tickets.

EchoedSilence · 28/08/2025 08:25

ThejoyofNC · 28/08/2025 08:23

Oh come on OP. She's coat you thousands and you want to buy her concert tickets?

If she had her wages she could buy her own concert tickets.

Dozer · 28/08/2025 08:26

Does she have a young person’s account into which you transfer her allowance from you regularly and wages? If not, that’s unreasonable financial control.

On the money she ‘owes’ you, have you agreed with your H how much of it she should cover and worked out a reasonable schedule for her to do that?

itsgettingweird · 28/08/2025 08:27

I think you need to be clear about the payback.

If the payback was via cancelled party and gift then I wouldn’t be taking more from wages.

If it covered half then come up with a payment plan for the rest.

Any concerts etc can be paid for for her wages. So for example she gets £400 a month and you agree £100 a month towards damage then she can spend the other £300 how she likes. But I wouldn’t be paying for the ticket myself because she can’t afford it due to paying back damage she called. Where’s the lesson in that?

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 28/08/2025 08:27

Your dh sounds v controlling and why doesn’t she have a bank account?

No wonder she’s acting out as her home life sounds stifling, poor kid.

HouseTour · 28/08/2025 08:27

Poor girl. She has absolutely zero privacy, and has her wages paid into her parents account.

if I was her I'd be shot of the both of you as quick as I could.

Original poster

playdead · 28/08/2025 08:34

I’m not considering buying her concert tickets. She can pay for them from her wages.
I can't go into what she did. It cost approx 3k. It may have started off as stupid but she carried on. We know she drinks. She doesn’t drink that much. She’s only been drunk 2 or 3 times. DH thinks she must have taken drugs to allow what happened to happen.

OP posts:

Twistedfirestarters · 28/08/2025 08:35

Your DH needs to back off and give her her privacy. You absolutely shouldn't take advantage of her having to pay her wages into your account by keeping them from her. When is she ever going to be able to take responsibility and grow up when she is being treated like an 8 year old?

Sit down with her and work out a payment plan so she can deal with the mistake she made. What is left of her wages should be hers to spend how she wishes.

If you think she's smoking weed then talk to her about it.

Dontbeme · 28/08/2025 08:36

Most people have told us that they would have kicked her out

So in your country she cannot have her wages paid into her account as she's not an adult, but people think you should kick her (a legal child) out? How would she support herself then, presumably by cash only work like sex work?

Instead of threats and controlling her to the point of suffocating her, have you tried talking to her. Explaining not only that this mistake costs you financially but you feel let down or trust is broken, depending on the nature of the mistake? Tell her you would like her to show some initiative and come up with a plan to make things right between you all, that you like to see some effort on her part to take responsibility and you will make the effort to treat her as the emerging adult she is, also that your DH will stop skulking around her bedroom door and develop some mutual respect in the family.

EchoedSilence · 28/08/2025 08:38

Do you transfer her wages into a bank account she can use? Or do you usually control what she spends it on?Because that is financial abuse.

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