How would you deal with DD who is nearly 18?

[playdead]

DD did something extremely stupid which has cost thousands for us to fix. Most people have told us that they would have kicked her out. We will not be buying her the big present we were going to get her for her 18th and we’re not throwing her the big party she wanted. I’m not going into what she did as I have family members on here.

DH is sure she’s smoking weed. I think maybe she is but I’m not sure. He listens to her conversations outside her door, wants to know where she, who she is with and what she is doing 100% of the time. He wants to withhold her wages so she can pay back some of the damage. They go in to my account as she’s not 18 yet.

She wants to go to a concert in a city 4 hours away just after her 18th birthday in October. She wants money to buy a ticket. Should I give her the money?

I think she’s being punished enough. DH doesn’t trust her to go away for a weekend with her friends and go to a concert.

What would you do? Thanks in advance.

Nobody can answer this because you are being too cryptic about what she did - got drunk stole your car keys and crashed the car - punish away , got drunk tripped over the cat and fell into the TV breaking it - that’s an accident , could happen to anyone leave the poor girl alone .

Your ‘d’h is a controlling wanker. Nasty. Consider this seriously.

To the question in hand. How remorseful is she? Has she agreed to pay the cost - do you have a payment plan? I don’t think you could or should withhold her wages. That makes you as controlling as your dh. Give her the wages. Let her buy the tickets. Agree a payment plan. I can’t get too worked up about a late teen smoking the odd bit of weed frankly.

DC of that age having a paid job but no bank account is a red flag about the parents. Even if in a country or regional state prohibiting wages being paid directly to under 18s the norm would be working DC having permitted accounts and parents transferring wages and allowance / pocket money.

I'm guessing it was a crime if chucking her out is on the cards and the cost was compensation. Whether or not she took drugs is kind of irrelevant - if she takes them again she will be right back in the same mindset.

You should be transferring all of her wages to her own account as soon as it arrives in your account, you should not be withholding her money at all.
You should arrange a payment plan with her to pay back the damage money if that’s what you’re worried about… and as she is going to pay this back, her 18th birthday party and present are a completely different thing.
You should buy her the present you intended to get her and her 18th should be as you originally planned and she should pay you back for the damage.
That is how it should go…..

I agree it is a tricky one with half a story.

I am trying to think what I would do. It depends how much was silly and how much was really negligent, and whether you think she has now understood the seriousness.

I think that it would very much depend how much 3k meant to the family. If it is a month’s spending money, say, and you will have to cut back to deal with it, I would make her pay a month of her spending money towards it. If it is just mildly annoying to you, I would make her pay an amount mildly annoying to her. But, clearly, she should contribute.

If the 3k means serious cut backs for you, she should have to cut out her concert and pay you the money instead. As to her birthday, if you can still comfortably afford it, I would see it as a separate issue.

As to not trusting her, I think that, as she will be an adult, she needs to learn from her mistakes and you can’t forbid her on that basis.

Kicking her out is a huge step! I think it is perfectly fine to help an adult move out on a compulsory basis, if they have become disruptive and impossible to live with, but not because of one mistake.

Seems very cruel to try to make a teenager pay back financial loss in the thousands? Surely that's just the cost of being a parent acknowledging that kids make mistakes that cost money. I would punish her by grounding her if needed but ruining her 18th sounds too much and invading her privacy by listening outside her door will permanently ruin your relationship with her. As others have said its hard for anyone to give a proper response as we don't know what she did. But I don't think threatening to kick her out (unless she was violent with younger children) is ever justifiable and if my parents treated me the way you have been/are proposing to treat her, I wouldn't want a relationship with them once I'm a full adult.

How can your friends say they will kick their child out if in your country they won't have their own bank accounts before 18. So won't have access to money?

and yeah is a said it before and I'll say it again. Your husband is a CREEP listening in to her private conversations. She's nearly a damn adult.

classic case of overbearing parents and child rebels.

I agree.
So this is what I would do.

Agree with her an amount per month to repay you for the damage. That comes out of her wages.
Is she working full time, or still at school/college? If working full time, then she should pay you a small amount for living at home.
If still studying then she wouldn't be expected to pay for living at home.

Then the rest of the money is hers.
From that she decides if she wants to fund tickets, and a weekend away.

I am guessing that you have told her very clearly how upset you are. Now let it go. She is repaying, and nothing is gained by holding this over her head for months.

Yes she is becoming independant. You can have house rules. I have a very very strict no weed in my house rule. My kids know that I would lose my job if police visited and found weed. But ulitmately at some point you have to allow her to make her own decisions. Good and bad.

Was it drink driving? If it was then I don't think you're being too harsh as she needs to learn how terrible that is. I wouldn't withhold her wages though, I'd arrange with her a monthly set amount to pay you back.