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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS (17) not in education, training or work

82 replies

Puffin98 · 22/08/2025 17:32

Hi, a bit of a sensitive situation so please go easy on me. My eldest DS is a lovely boy, kind and caring and has an autism diagnosis which however unfortunately he won’t accept. He had a happy time at primary and got through secondary school okay but didn’t massively love education and only got 3 GCSE passes as he didn’t revise at all. He managed to scrape into a course at our local college, as we intervened, which was one of his interests but he never made any effort over the last year and did not submit work to allow him to continue for the second year - and he doesn’t want to go back anyway as he says it’s ’full of nerds and geeks’. He has lost touch with most of his mates from school. So we are faced with a teenager who has literally nothing to do in September. I looked at the job centre jobs local to us which were pretty rubbish but that might just be what he has to go for. It feels a lonely place to be when my mum friends have high exceeding kids. Has anyone had a similar problem with their child and, if so, how did you manage to sort it, if at all?

OP posts:
Hfstjsufysyfykdhoxg · 22/08/2025 17:34

Does he not have to be in some sort of education or training at his age? Legally, I mean

Hfstjsufysyfykdhoxg · 22/08/2025 17:35

Did he pass Maths and English?

Original poster
Puffin98 · 22/08/2025 17:36

He passed maths but not English and retook it this year and didn’t get the grade yesterday. He was a few marks off apparently and therefore can re do it in the autumn (again)

OP posts:
Original poster
Puffin98 · 22/08/2025 17:37

Hfstjsufysyfykdhoxg · 22/08/2025 17:34

Does he not have to be in some sort of education or training at his age? Legally, I mean

I think so but not sure what that actually means and he doesn’t want to go to college any more anyway

OP posts:
Original poster
Puffin98 · 22/08/2025 17:38

Who would I contact to find out about the expectations for 17 year olds not in education/training/work?

OP posts:
Hfstjsufysyfykdhoxg · 22/08/2025 17:39

I'm not sure, but he has to retake English until he's 18.

Original poster
Puffin98 · 22/08/2025 17:39

That is, who enforces it?

OP posts:
Hfstjsufysyfykdhoxg · 22/08/2025 17:40

No idea, I'm afraid.
Can you threaten to kick him out, if he isn't going to bother with anything?

Original poster
Puffin98 · 22/08/2025 17:41

I think that would probably be a bit harsh given his autism diagnosis and he might take me up on if and end up homeless.

OP posts:
Biscuitsneeded · 22/08/2025 17:42

Hfstjsufysyfykdhoxg · 22/08/2025 17:34

Does he not have to be in some sort of education or training at his age? Legally, I mean

In theory, yes, but in reality nobody ever follows up or offers any support. It happens way more than people think. OP, you are best off accepting that he won't go to college at this point in his life, but making clear to him that living at home and doing nothing at all isn't an option. Tell him he needs to find work. 16+ year olds can work part-time at least in shops and restaurants. Tell him that with effect from 01 Sept you will be charging rent - not market rate, necessarily, but something someone on minimum wage can afford. A few months of minimum wage work and he might decide he's bored and needs more. Also look, though, at post 16 apprenticeships. Just be very clear that he can't do nothing, and if he's chosen to remove himself from education he has to find a job. It won't be easy but it's possible. Would he be at all interested in the armed forces?

Hfstjsufysyfykdhoxg · 22/08/2025 17:42

Autism doesn't mean that you can get away with freeloading and putting in zero effort. Think about what you're teaching him.

ninjahamster · 22/08/2025 17:43

Well in reality, nobody does anything if they’re not doing anything. But you can’t claim child benefit for him. Have you looked at apprenticeships?

wonderstuff · 22/08/2025 17:43

I think in reality you lose your child benefit and he can’t access benefits, no one is going to fine you or anything. But he does need to do something right? Does he have any plans or ideas? Your local council is likely to have a careers service you can access, and local colleges will be open with details of courses. Apprenticeships are trickier as they won’t all be advertised in one place, but that may be an option?

CookiesAreForSharing · 22/08/2025 17:44

The local authority education department would be the place to start. How about an Open University course?

Hfstjsufysyfykdhoxg · 22/08/2025 17:45

CookiesAreForSharing · 22/08/2025 17:44

The local authority education department would be the place to start. How about an Open University course?

OU wouldn't take someone with only 3 GCSEs and not English

Paperdove87 · 22/08/2025 17:45

I would go back to his secondary school/college for advice and help. I don’t know if it’s just something the secondary school I work in does, but I suspect they have to, but we monitor any students who have left and become NEETs and give them help to find places. Good luck, even though it may be legally expected, when the kid isn’t willing it can be tough to get them on board.

RaininSummer · 22/08/2025 17:45

It doesn't get enforced really in reality but you don't want him getting used to doing nothing and possibly getting depressed or addicted to gaming and staying up late and then sleeping all day. Look online to see what youth provision is in your area or perhaps pop into the local job centre to ask them. He could apply for apprenticeships too. Look at the national apprenticeship service website.

Original poster
Puffin98 · 22/08/2025 17:46

Some good ideas on here, thank you. He isn’t lazy, he has spent the last few days painting his bedroom and other DIY

OP posts:
Hfstjsufysyfykdhoxg · 22/08/2025 17:46

I would have thought that the best course of action is to make him do his GCSE English, while it's still free for him to do.

I would also make sure that he entered the real world and got a job.

saveforthat · 22/08/2025 17:46

My DS was not academic at all. He left school at 16 with few qualifications and went through many jobs before finding his way. He's nearly 30 now and has a steady driving job. I think you just have to let them get on with it. My nagging made it worse tbh. He was welcome to free bed and board while he was job hunting but I wasn't going to pay for anything else or give him pocket money e.g.

Untailored · 22/08/2025 17:46

I think priority number one is to get him a job - supermarket, pub, anything just so he is getting out of the house and engaging with the world.

Then a longer chat about what he thinks he’s going to do.

Lizzbear · 22/08/2025 17:48

Hi op. I remember when my son was 17. He didn’t seem interested in education or work.
i had to guide him and argue with him but we got there in the end. Lots of pep talks about what his options are, with lots of encouragement.
wishing you all the best. Don’t despair. There’s no need to go in too tough as that won’t help. He’s only young x

Biscuitsneeded · 22/08/2025 17:48

Puffin98 · 22/08/2025 17:46

Some good ideas on here, thank you. He isn’t lazy, he has spent the last few days painting his bedroom and other DIY

Right, so people need painters and decorators. Can he work with/for a local decorator for minimum wage and then go self-employed? Not everyone has to get A levels and degrees.

Coconutter24 · 22/08/2025 17:50

Puffin98 · 22/08/2025 17:39

That is, who enforces it?

The local council, they can take action against the parent if they don’t attend. He can’t just do nothing (even with an autism diagnosis). Have you asked him what he plans to do? What about an apprenticeship? He sounds quite immature to not want to attend college because it’s full of ‘nerds and geeks’, I’d quickly point out they may or not be nerds and geeks but at least they’re going somewhere and he’ll end up a looser if he doesn’t try something