DS (17) not in education, training or work

[Puffin98]

Hi, a bit of a sensitive situation so please go easy on me. My eldest DS is a lovely boy, kind and caring and has an autism diagnosis which however unfortunately he won’t accept. He had a happy time at primary and got through secondary school okay but didn’t massively love education and only got 3 GCSE passes as he didn’t revise at all. He managed to scrape into a course at our local college, as we intervened, which was one of his interests but he never made any effort over the last year and did not submit work to allow him to continue for the second year - and he doesn’t want to go back anyway as he says it’s ’full of nerds and geeks’. He has lost touch with most of his mates from school. So we are faced with a teenager who has literally nothing to do in September. I looked at the job centre jobs local to us which were pretty rubbish but that might just be what he has to go for. It feels a lonely place to be when my mum friends have high exceeding kids. Has anyone had a similar problem with their child and, if so, how did you manage to sort it, if at all?

Good idea.

He needs to go and pick a college course of some sort before term starts next week. It could take months on end to find a job.

Best to get him back in education for now.

Have you asked him what he wants to do with his life right now?

I can imagine it just be very scary and overwhelming for someone on the spectrum to be faced with such big decisions at such a young age.

You say he’s been painting and doing DIY the past few days, would he consider an apprenticeship doing something more hands on like painting and decorating?

Have you spoken to the local colleges about support for people with autism or spoken with any local autism charities/groups?

No one will enforce it. The college has to put him in for it as part of their funding requirements but if he isn’t there, no one will turn up and do anything about it. I have been in a similar situation with a 17 year old who really did not want to be at college, also ASD/adhd.
what I would suggest are some goals to keep him going. Gym to get him out of the house, functional skills English course, in person or online, he could get a CSCS card to get some labouring jobs which would get him working. Driving - do the theory test at least?
mine ended up doing an access to higher education diploma online which got him places at university although he is now working in landscaping and so in unlikely to go, but he is navigating his way. It’s tough though.

Just got to make dinner for everyone now but will log back on afterwards. Thank you for the positive suggestions and sympathy- if can be tough being a parent sometimes. I was really focussed at his age to escape my village and make something of myself so hard to see my child in a bit of a black hole.

But appreciate that’s my history and not everyone is the same

The council will do nothing. It's a nice dream that everyone will remain in education till 18 but in reality, lots don't. School and college are not the right environment for everyone (and I say that as a secondary teacher). Much better to accept that and get him working and earning, for his self-esteem and your finances, than to let him fester at home doing nothing and becoming increasingly likely to end up depressed.

It may be worth contacting SEND services to see what options there may be - as he has an ASD diagnosis. You could look online at the Local Offer for SEND for your area. There will be a SEND info and Advice Service who you could call. Sounds like your son didn’t have an EHCP but this does not mean he couldn’t access supported internships etc. There may also be apprenticeships or other college type courses that may appeal to him - including more practical stuff. Good luck!

Maybe a plastering apprenticeship would be good for him? If he can decorate

Has he thought about a role in public transport or the railway industry? There’s usually some very good apprenticeships out there. At my place it’s transport but you can also work in marketing, town planning, engineering, frontline operations, all sorts. The minimum age is 18 though. I have a lot of ND colleagues who do very well in mass transit roles.

Agree with PP, we always need skilled contractors. It can be lucrative, too.

As another poster said any child benefit or other benefits through UC will stop which may not be a problem but worth mentioning incase.

There are different types of autism and people can be affected to a greater or lesser extent. Some of those with autism are disabled to an extent that they won’t be able to work. Sounds like OP’s DS can work, but your statement was very general and thus unfair.

And suggesting OP kick her autistic 17 year old out of home was a terrible idea, for what it’s worth!

It feels a lonely place to be when my mum friends have high exceeding kids

Mine works in McDonald's. I know how you feel

I do agree tbh, that’s why I think an apprenticeship could be a good option

Would he be interested in a painting and decorating apprenticeship?

Sounds like he would be better out at work. See if he can get some part time
work. Even better if he could some work labouring / painting etc. doesn’t have to pay well, just enough to ensure he is up and out each day and paying his way.

I would insist he helps out with bills, pays for his own phone etc. Some kids just need to go to work not college.

My DD thrived at work (in a kitchen mainly washing up).

He has time to figure out what he wants to do, but I think it’s important for kids to understand that nothing comes free and every able bodied person needs to pull their weight. So , if not going to college, he needs to work.

Your local authority should have NEET support or even a Connexions service if you are lucky- where are you?

Your local authority should have a NEET team, usually part of the careers service, sometimes part of education and skills,
The SEND and Inclusion team should also be able to at least advise as he's not 18 yet so doesn't come under adult services, EHCP's can go up to age 25 so might be worth looking at if he wants to do vocational training. He's got the option to go back into some kind of course in September, look at what your local college offers

What about The King's Trust if he's at a loss right now? I know a few people who were on The Prince's trust schemes when they were younger and say it was really good for them.

I think he should be aware that if he wants an apprenticeship that they can be competitive and he is going to need to up his game. Not doing anything for a year is not the way to impress anyone! He will need to show he has a real interest, is keen and committed. Rail/transport apprenticeships will definitely be competitive.

He could do with some positive experiences to put on his cv/talk about at interview and make him stand out from the others a bit. Either getting a part time job, doing the King's Trust, doing some voluntary work would be good. It sounds like he's not interested in college or sitting at a desk any more so I would give him lots of support in researching other options.

I think it's important for people to remember that while he maybe 17 his ASD could mean his emotional maturity is up to 3 years below that. Kicking a child with the possible emotional maturity of a 14 year old out is a horrible suggestion. He needs help and support not punishment.

He might need to do a pre-apprenticeship with functional skills English before moving onto an apprenticeship as most want English and maths

Kings Trust is a good shout as well

Yours works in McDonalds, at least they are doing something

Its certainly not uncommon. My 17 yr old ds has had a year at college and won't go back. He wants to continue with his pub job,pot washing. He has a mate of 16 who has just left school but no plans to stay in education and another friend who dropped out of college and is job searching.
I'm trying to encourage them to see what interests they have and often pay his friends to do a bit of work in my garden( even if I can do it myself). I just would love them to say wow,I'm really enjoying this!.And I could help them find an apprenticeship. It's hard as we are in a village 10 miles from any town and not many opportunities, but we have a bus. You're definitely not alone Op

All three either have asd or adhd,all diagnosed in primary. It just makes things harder but imsure they'll all find their way.

Thank you for sharing, sounds like you have a very sensible approach x