How much do you charge your over 16s/under 18s?

[atmywitsend1989]

Hi all. To start off, I want to say that I never considered this (if you'd asked me a year ago I'd say I'd never charge, i'm of an ethnic background and while i helped my parents 20 yrs ago as a teen its not common to do this in my culture) until recently but I've been speaking to some friends... they're starting to charge their kids digs.

Son is turning 17 soon. He had issues with laziness before and had no goals for the future but he's really starting to thrive recently. He's in care at the moment, no abuse but because he was behaving violently at home due to disagreements about sexuality that we're now resolving. he's doing well bless him. Hes given enough money for fun and clothing ect and has plans for his future. Reunification and coming to live home is a possibility once when its safe for me and my daughter to have him back. He's going to start yr 12 soon and has been sending out applications for apprenticeships. He wants to work part time along this but Ive told him that I'm not sure if this is possible as my nephew tried the same and was unable to as per his rules for the apprenticeship. He's had a history of being sectioned from 14-15 when he was living at home (I involved CAMHS as soon as I could) but no MH diagnoses, CAMHS have finally discharged him recently and say that he's stable. No disabilities ect.

I visit him regularly. when he turns 17 it's likely that he'll either move to semi independant living or he'll come back home. I've told him that it's up to him but that I miss him and he's my son, ill be there for him and will respect where he chooses to go no matter what he decides.. But If he comes back home at 17.. what should I be charging him? I contributed from 16 after my dad passed and I had to take care of my mum, but I know that it's different these days so I don't know what would be too much and what would be unfair. Even charging a small amount seems like it would teach him to manage his money. Ive heard of some parents charging more and then not telling their teens that theyre going to return it when they're older, I think that's a brilliant idea. Im not sure what else parents in my situation are doing as none of my friends have had teens in care

Yes. That's what we've been addressing when repairing our relationship, I've apologised and love & accept him now

Well. As long as you love him now, it's fine to charge him whatever you want.

Your replies are totally bonkers, OP. Long, hard look time!!

I wouldn’t charge a penny for my children if they were in education/apprenticeship or were below the age of 21.

Still nothing when he’s under 18 and still your literal child

Honestly OP he might be better of in semi independent living near you and coming round for dinner support but having his own safe space.

I don’t think him coming home is the right thing to do. For him or for you. But especially for him. Better he has his own sanctuary and gets parental support from you when visiting.

It’s so ridiculous and unrealistic of you wanted them to have the same you should’ve stayed there but clearly there’s a reason you left.

the constant attempt to force a child to be like you in completely different circumstances with acces to much more information and different peers. And then punishing them for not being carbon copies!

let alone the fact that the “back home” they left doesn’t exist anymore and everywhere has moved on!

What do you mean about ‘that part of him’ OP? And why did you struggle to love this ‘part of him’?

I (and others) are assuming you mean that your son is gay. If it’s this…then why is this such an issue for you?

To be honest I’ve never understood the theory of taking rent and saving it for them…either you need it or you don’t. The bank doesn’t turn around after years of paying a mortgage and say “here’s your money back! Well done!” Nor does a landlord when you pay rent.
Take it if you need it or guide him to save money.
FWIW mine will be 18/19 finishing school so no I won’t charge them. I’m hoping they will go to university after that or do an apprenticeship. At which point I won’t charge them either. If they return to home once working then I’ll re visit that in terms of helping them plan and save.

It reads as if your child is in care as you cannot accept them being gay.

I dare not think how much it is costing for your child to be in care because you don’t agree with their sexuality.

Are you funding their care placement?

OP have you considered the absolute fortune you are costing taxpayers by being an unsupportive parent and relying on the state to care for your child? How about you step up and parent him yourself if you can.

If he gets an apprenticeship (very steep competition) he will be paid enough to cover his travel and clothes and socialising which is an absolute bonus when most parents are still subsidising those things for their children until they’re out of education. It’s not enough to pay you too. Maybe it’s cultural differences and maybe in your culture children have to support their parents from a young age but in the UK we don’t generally think like that.

What am I reading here? I think you need to rethink your priorities OP and focus on getting your boy settled

It will never work if he lives with you. I hope he finds happiness somewhere far away from you.

We aren't assuming it. The OP said as much in her previous threads.

Hmm I don’t think you are ready to have him
back. Your DS is not in a normal situation. It shouldn’t even enter your mind how much to charge him

Poor kid, why would you charge a child? You're the parent, you're responsible for looking after him at least until he's an adult. If you're concerned that he'll just fritter all the money away then agree with him to put some money aside in an account he can't touch for his future - but rent at 16, no!

The other thing to be aware OP is that he hasn't even got an apprenticeship yet and that they can be highly competitive! Fingers crossed for him though because it certainly sounds like he deserves a break.

Op you seriously are the one that needs counselling and MH support! I hope your son forges his own path as how you’ve treated him is so awful

I have read your previous posts. Your son came out to you as bisexual and you verbally and physically assaulted him! You said sorry and have sent him to some Muslim counselling when he has also said he’s rejected the faith. You tried to refer him to prevent, tried to force him to watch Adolescence (as if him being angry is anything like that), got him taken out of your house etc etc.

He has previously been diagnosed with depression and ocd but you disapprove of medication so he doesn’t take any.

Your own daughter told school of your behaviour and you were referred to Ss. Your own daughter wanted him home. I imagine she’s more scared of you than him.

Do you seriously have no idea why he’s so angry at you. And your first thought on him wanting to come home is how much to charge him!

Honestly your parenting is so far off the mark here it’s scary

You charge your apprentice son nothing OP. They earn peanuts.

It seems more than an after thought if you're planning so far ahead and in such detail.

Can't believe what I've just read.

I’m really hoping this is a wind up!

You need to reprioritise- your son needs to come home to a loving, accepting environment that should be first and foremost.

Payment should be the last thing on your mind- I can’t even believe you are considering this.

In the long term he pays nothing while he is learning - either at school or in an apprenticeship.

This is truly awful - I am hoping all the safeguards are in place to protect young man if he does go back.

This is probably one of most worrying posts I have seen in a while.

What did you say to him during these ‘disagreements’ regarding his sexuality?

I really hope for his sake that he doesn’t go home. Your parenting and ideas is so so far off the mark I cannot begin to see how it would be in any way beneficial and I do not say that lightly. To even be considering charging hypothetical rent is utterly bizarre. He needs love, care, support… yes there can be benefits to charging a nominal rent for a child/young adult in a safe and secure home, but your child needs the foundations. He will not get them with you. He will be better off in supported living and forging his own path with chosen family/ the family that aren’t grabby, awful people (his sister?)

Don’t charge him!
We have two dc over 18 and charge them nothing. When eldest starts working, we’ll ask for a contribution, but that will be saved and returned to him in the future.

Nobody usually charges under 18s

Nothing.
Around about age 21 if they are in a decently paid job, then yes, a token amount. Or if they were being lazy on benefits - the context would be important.

No I wouldn’t charge. I have an 18 year old still studying but would never charge from 16-17 as you are considering.