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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How much do you charge your over 16s/under 18s?

105 replies

atmywitsend1989 · 15/08/2025 21:49

Hi all. To start off, I want to say that I never considered this (if you'd asked me a year ago I'd say I'd never charge, i'm of an ethnic background and while i helped my parents 20 yrs ago as a teen its not common to do this in my culture) until recently but I've been speaking to some friends... they're starting to charge their kids digs.

Son is turning 17 soon. He had issues with laziness before and had no goals for the future but he's really starting to thrive recently. He's in care at the moment, no abuse but because he was behaving violently at home due to disagreements about sexuality that we're now resolving. he's doing well bless him. Hes given enough money for fun and clothing ect and has plans for his future. Reunification and coming to live home is a possibility once when its safe for me and my daughter to have him back. He's going to start yr 12 soon and has been sending out applications for apprenticeships. He wants to work part time along this but Ive told him that I'm not sure if this is possible as my nephew tried the same and was unable to as per his rules for the apprenticeship. He's had a history of being sectioned from 14-15 when he was living at home (I involved CAMHS as soon as I could) but no MH diagnoses, CAMHS have finally discharged him recently and say that he's stable. No disabilities ect.

I visit him regularly. when he turns 17 it's likely that he'll either move to semi independant living or he'll come back home. I've told him that it's up to him but that I miss him and he's my son, ill be there for him and will respect where he chooses to go no matter what he decides.. But If he comes back home at 17.. what should I be charging him? I contributed from 16 after my dad passed and I had to take care of my mum, but I know that it's different these days so I don't know what would be too much and what would be unfair. Even charging a small amount seems like it would teach him to manage his money. Ive heard of some parents charging more and then not telling their teens that theyre going to return it when they're older, I think that's a brilliant idea. Im not sure what else parents in my situation are doing as none of my friends have had teens in care

OP posts:
charlieandthechocolatfactory · 15/08/2025 22:34

How did it get to the point he was violent over a disagreement with his sexuality?

Have you done any learning, research yourself to try and understand your child better?

Original poster
atmywitsend1989 · 15/08/2025 22:36

charlieandthechocolatfactory · 15/08/2025 22:34

How did it get to the point he was violent over a disagreement with his sexuality?

Have you done any learning, research yourself to try and understand your child better?

Yes. That's what we've been addressing when repairing our relationship, I've apologised and love & accept him now

OP posts:
CheekyOtter · 15/08/2025 22:37

Nothing. He's a child.

charlieandthechocolatfactory · 15/08/2025 22:40

I’m also from an ‘ethic’ background’

Politely, please realise that you’re living in the UK, not ‘back home’
the culture is different here your child will grow up in a western way.

its tiring seeing parents force their beliefs, religion, cultures and expectations on their child when they chose to live in a western country, but expect their child to adopt cultural expectations.

i hope it never gets to a point where your son feels abandoned, rejected or unloved for who he is again and to the point he has to leave his home.

this has made me really sad.
i work in a counselling background and see this over and over again.

it can cause life long damage. Yes he may seem ok.
but maybe spend some money out of your own pocket for counselling for him or systemic family counselling for both of you.

MigGril · 15/08/2025 22:48

I wouldn't charge him anything he's still a child and reliant upon you.

Maybe reconsider it when he's earing a full time job (not an apprenticeship as they don't pay mich). He could pay his own expenses, ie going out money, fancy clothing, his phone maybe if he has an apprenticeship. But I wouldn't expect board until earning a full-time wage.

Jibberjabba · 15/08/2025 22:53

I wouldnt want to come back, just imagine if read your post.

Hairyfairy01 · 15/08/2025 22:53

I think you need to expand on ‘disagreements about sexuality’ first.

Jibberjabba · 15/08/2025 22:53

He read your post

Starlight7080 · 15/08/2025 23:03

If this is the op i remember im sure they sent him to some religious thing to try to change his mind about being gay...something like that anyway.

OldTiredMum1976 · 15/08/2025 23:06

How about you charge him nothing and try to make up for being the crap parent you have been??

Corfumanchu · 15/08/2025 23:25

Sometimes sorry isn't enough. You can't unsay something. I think maybe

your poor DS is emotionally safer in care

Ohmygodthepain · 15/08/2025 23:29

Apprentice wages are way, way below minimum wage for under 18s. No way could I have charged my DS even though I was no longer claiming UC or child benefits for him, and the ex took about a millisecond to cancel CMS.

Anna20MFG · 15/08/2025 23:34

Nothing. I obviously charge my 16 - 18 year old children nothing for living in their home and once they leave home for uni I don't charge them for anything when they return in the holidays. It sounds like your poor son has been through so much. I would concentrate on rebuilding your relationship with him, with professional help. Poor lad.

RigIt · 16/08/2025 00:29

I’m usually all for charging young people who live at home if they are over 18 and are working and not in education. I think it’s important to teach them that no one gets a free ride and everyone has to contribute to a household financially and practically if they are no longer a dependent.

However, given what you’ve outlined above, I can’t believe you are considering doing this for even one second. It sounds like you’ve treated your DS appalling and that’s led to this horrendous situation where he’s had to be placed in care. The trauma, abandonment and rejection (by you) he’s suffered here is huge. The only thing you should be focussing on now is his mental health and recovery, repairing your relationship with him and making sure that he feels loved unconditionally. Charging him will damage any fragile trust that you have so far managed to repair. It’s very worrying that you are even thinking about this. You need to take a step back and start thinking about this from the perspective of your DS and how this has been for him emotionally; this should then inform all your actions. Charging him anything would not be at all appropriate in these circumstances.

Original poster
atmywitsend1989 · 16/08/2025 00:40

A note... Yes I'm focusing on rebuilding our relationship first. It will depend on what's agreed the next few review meetings but it's possible that he'll come back at 17 or at 18 (he may have a job or an apprenticeship at 17, if not then there will obviously not be the discussion of paying board, but at 18 I would expect him to work as he doesn't plan to continue education.. as of now I would charge when he is 18 and older but I'm only considering it at the moment for 16/17 if he starts earning. I know that he's very young and it's not going to be the first thing I mention when or if he's back

I also want to add that he was violent when living with us. He physically assaulted me at one point.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 16/08/2025 00:44

atmywitsend1989 · 15/08/2025 22:09

Yes I 100% agree, thats my priority for us. This wasn't the first thing I considered when thinking about him returning.. its more of an afterthought.

Show quote history

If you say so …..

MrsSkylerWhite · 16/08/2025 00:47

atmywitsend1989 · 15/08/2025 22:36

Yes. That's what we've been addressing when repairing our relationship, I've apologised and love & accept him now

Show quote history

Oh, you love him “now”?

can’t imagine any circumstance where I wouldn’t love my children.

If you think that love is conational, shame on you.

Again, poor kid.

MrsSkylerWhite · 16/08/2025 00:50

Conditional

MrsSunshine2b · 16/08/2025 00:51

I'm a bit disgusted that your child had to be taken into care due to your views on his sexuality, and now you're hoping to gain financially from his return.

In answer, the amount you charge your CHILD who is still a MINOR to live with his parents is £0.00. Hope that clears things up.

Original poster
atmywitsend1989 · 16/08/2025 01:04

Of course ive always loved him 🤦‍♀️ supporting that part of him took some time but lots of people have spoken to me about the effect of what ive said to him before. Ive told him im sorry constantly

OP posts:
McSpoot · 16/08/2025 01:10

Didn’t you or your husband and other family also assault him?

Meadowfinch · 16/08/2025 01:12

At 17, if he has a job/apprenticeship, I would expect him to take over his phone contract and to pay for his own travel and lunches.

As a 'house mate' I would expect him to do his share of cooking & cleaning, and to do his own laundry. But that is based on treating him as an equal, an adult to be respected.

At 18, I might ask £50 a week towards food and bills, but save that for his future flat deposit.

OneSharpFinch · 16/08/2025 01:12

You sound like you only want him back if he's going to pay you.

Amiunemployable · 16/08/2025 01:14

Disagreements about his sexuality?

You're disgusting. That's all. He's your CHILD.

Utterly disgusting.

Doesn't matter how many times you say sorry, he can't unhear what you've said. That'll stay with him forever.

And now you're on about money? Like that matters. I actually have no words.

Iocainepowder · 16/08/2025 01:19

Anyone who charges their 17 year old rent is a knobend.

By all means teach them about ‘adulting’ but there are other ways to do this:

-Budgeting, inc cost of things these days vs incomings
-Take him through your bills and show him how to take meter reads etc, what companies/council tax etc he would need to contact if he moved out
-Teach him about the different kinds of insurance he may need
-Teach him about pensions