DD has been in her room all summer holiday. What do I do?

[confusedmango]

My DD has not left her room the entire summer holiday. She is a teenager and has only come out to use the bathroom and things of that sort but apart from that she won’t come out. I’m starting to get worried as she doesn’t seem to be interested in her friends or her family. I’ve said to her I’ll take her on a day out somewhere but she has just screamed at me to get out. DS seems to be fine and goes out with his friends almost everyday but DD refuses to.
anyone going through something similar or have any ideas on what to do?

Lol, I find these posts ridiculous.

I have an 13-year-old who prefers to stay in her room, yes I have managed to get out to come out on two day trips with us (in a week) but rest of the time, she’s happy to be in her room, she is an introvert and doesn’t have a lot of friends. I am not going make her feel bad for not having friends and drag her to the GP/.

Op I am going to get flamed for saying this but I wouldn’t worry too much as long as this is a phase and not a permanent situation.

Obviously if she is not meeting any friends at all, and not washing or eating, then that is an indicator that she is suffering from depression; as is shouting at you (not acceptable) and she needs help from a licensed psychologist who treats adolescents.

If she is eating and her personal hygiene is ok and she seems reasonably ok in herself, then it’s perfectly normal for a teen to go through a phase of being in their room which serves as a cocoon in which they “pupate” and emerge on the path to becoming adult with individual and separate tastes, likes, dislikes and characteristics to their parents.

To an extent a teen has to separate themselves off and reject their parents values and way of life, in order to individuate. Their bedroom is a safe staging post on that route, I would far rather have a teen of that age at home in their bedroom where you know they are safe, than off and about, sleeping at friends houses, to the extent that they are never home! Just keep an eye on their internet use and what is happening there,

And of course a teen dreams of independence and freedom but they don’t yet have the wisdom, courage, maturity, financial stability and life experience to live alone. So their bedroom is their half-way house in the meantime which allows them privacy, a sense of independence, a version of being in control, and a refuge from all of their worries, insecurities and pressures.

Having said all of that, I would insist on attendance at family meals at the table and confiscate phones at night. They should have a few household responsibilities too like walking the dog if you have one and try and tempt them outside to help you with errands, preferably in the car so you can sit side by side without her having to face you, and you can chat. Stop off for junk food and make each expedition fun so you keep that connection going. Life is hard as a teen girl nowadays. So many expectations on them.

Keep all lines of communication open and check in occasionally with hot chocolate and cake! Make sure they have their ideas straight about relations with friends of both sexes, of boundaries, consent and generally keep mentioning how the internet presents a skewed reality, and how we tend to compare ourselves with something that is falsely curated.

If you have a partner or husband, can they tempt her out swimming, or on a bike ride or doing something a bit adventurous?

If she is anything like my DDs, this is just a phase, and the next phase is them being off and out with friends, on adventures, travelling etc, off to university, and you hardly see them at all! And you wish they were back in their bedrooms! 😄

So try not to worry unless you sense there is something seriously wrong and you will have a better idea about that than any of us!

If I recall correctly, one of Lisa Damour’s books on raising teen girls, I think it is called Untangled, has a check-list at the back on what is “normal” teen angst v what should set the alarm bells ringing, She has written several books though so not quite sure. It’s a bit American if you are in the UK op, but I recommend her podcasts and content generally.

Good luck! Even when teens are at their snottiest, keep telling them that you love them, because they need to hear it at this age!

Total rubbish. I have raised two teenage DDs, one of whom had problems with anxiety. I know what I am talking about thank you because I have lived it. Both DDs doing well now. So absolutely no need to be so glib thanks.

First of all, being rude to you is unacceptable. There should be a consequence for that.

Is this isolation a recent thing? What is she doing in her room?

If she's terminally online to the point that you think it's unhealthy, you should explain that to her and let her know that you'll be turning the Wi-Fi off between certain hours. If turning it off for the whole house isn't practical, you can get cheap, simple software that will allow you to turn off specific devices.

If she takes issue with that, you can tell her that she's welcome to get a part time job and pay for her own internet. GiffGaff do an unlimited data sim for 25 quid a month with no contract. Couple of shifts a week stacking shelves or serving coffee will more than pay for that, and it'll get her out of the house and teach her some independence.

She's obviously dealing with some stuff - whether its standard teenager nonsense or something more serious, just make sure she knows that she can talk to you without judgement. She'll open up when she's ready.

Great post 👏

Schools only been out a week! Let her decompress.

No idea how you'd go about it. but she needs fresh air and human contact. This will improve her mh. If an adult was doing this, we'd be concerned. We should be more worried that a child is doing it.

First of all, I wouldn’t accept being shouted at in my own house. Yes, they’re teenagers but they still need to have respect. And yes, I have kids…mine are 18 and 22 and neither have ever shouted or sworn at me or their dad or each other! Respect..I’d sit her down and talk to see what’s going on in her life, why doesn’t she have friends, why isn’t she going out even if it’s into the garden for fresh air and some sunshine? I wouldn’t let it continue where she’s cooped up in her room all summer. Does she do sports? Both mine were out most days with training and fitness related things which is so important for mental health. Little steps though so try and get her to talk, make it clear that you won’t accept disrespect etc..you’re the parent..

Haven't read the thread or updates?

Cut off the wifi or take her gadgets away if she is just spending hours on them. Some will spend hours on gadgets unless stopped by the parent

Ask her what she would like to do, swimming, cinema etc. If she does one thing she wants, then she does one thing you want, like going for a walk or helping you something. Tell her you will not tolerate being shouted at.

See if there are any volunteer jobs locally. DD is volunteering at the Library during the summer.

We are in Scotland and my 15 year old loves to ‘bed rot’. To be fair we were away for two weeks and all shared a room (4 of us)travelling for 2 weeks, she needed serious alone time after that.

My DD is probably on the spectrum, but does push herself to see friends and her boyfriend once or twice a week, even though she dreads it. She recognises that she has to push out of the desire to be alone, because she does enjoy it when she does. This is a recent realisation, we have had holidays where she has hidden away. But she always keeps a few days a week to ‘bed rot’.

That said, she is online with friends constantly.

Short answer, maybe be worried, it it might be a phase. You need to have some serious chats with her to get a feel for what it is.

Leave her to it. I used to spend the entire 6 weeks in my room reading (apart from trips to the library to restock - it was pre internet), and I loved it. Pretty much still my favourite thing to do, and I have never known a day's boredom since.
Of course, if she's constantly on screens, I get that it's different, but teenagers do need their solitude.

Hey OP

I agree with most of the posters, teenagers do need their own space but what you have described isn't healthy - I would encourage her to go for a walk for at least some fresh air, even if it is for 15 minutes.

Can you ask her to pop to the store and grab you something you will need later on for dinner?

I would also second volunteering; my sister who is also a teenager is helping with a summer reading challenge at the library and also at a local charity shop.

Honestly, she would rather not do any of those and spend the time on her phone or Netflix but I found the volunteer opportunities for her and gave her a lecture on being more active and contributing, so now she would rather go then listen to me and mum lecturing her everyday.

I understand every child is different though, take it easy and try to get her to understand or meet your halfway somewhere, maybe the promise of a treat or something she really wants if she helps a local charity?

It's not uncommon at all. Her bedroom is her place, it's secure and private, a refuge if you like. I've heard many parents say the same as you but it doesn't last, the teen does go out eventually but when he or she chooses to, not because a parent requires it. Presumably she comes out of her room to eat, goes to the bathroom etc.

Its perfectly normal.

Shes not a little kid, no one wins parenting awards for dragging miserable teens along to forced family fun. If you have to force it its fake and will push them away, let them come to you when they are ready and you will find the real relationship form.

Hanging out in your room at 15 is 100% normal though and a natural part of development when teens start to isolate and separate from family ready to start developing independence (they will never do that if you don't let them pull away).

Mine was similar op.
he is perfectly fine, just wants his own space.
i would put your foot down about the screaming and ask her if she’s ok - tell her you’re concerned about her spending so much time in her room.
if you open up the dialogue ypu may well. E reassured.
Mine is now perfectly outgoing.

Assess - with a home visit if necessary. Look for evidence of a mood disorder such as depression or self neglect,anxiety disorders, eating disorder, neurodiversity. Explore what’s going on - bullying, abuse, trauma.
In a nutshell - assess , diagnose, manage as appropriate.

The entire summer holiday? It's only the last week of July! The summer holiday has only just started!

Anyway, sounds like typical teen behaviour to me!

Does noone read the OP? They are in Scotland so broke up in June 🙄

Could you get her a selection of her favorite foods or something a bit fancy for her to try. Nice pastrys/fruit/posh macaroons from m&s. A few can mocktails.
Maybe a small skin care/ or craft set.
New book/comic or game?

intercept whatever going on for her in a supportive non confrontational way? And introduce some new positive simulas.
Show her your thinking of her / supporting her with small positive action and she may get more comfortable over time.

It's still not ALL of the summer holiday is it?

Have this back >>> 🙄

In the summer of 1977 when I was about 14 I spent most of the summer in my room. This was before the advent of computers, mobile phones & TVs in children's bedroom. However while babysitting for a neighbour I'd discovered rather racy romantic fiction. I spent the summer reading bodice-ripper novels in my bedroom which, thinking about it, were rather harmless, but would have been disapproved of by my parents.

What I'm saying is that it's normal for teens to want to retreat. As long as your daughter is eating normally & that you are communicating with her I'd say that everything is fine.

You may want to arrange some family days out, invite friends over to encourage her to engage with the rest of the family.

It's the majority of their summer holiday!