DD has been in her room all summer holiday. What do I do?

[confusedmango]

My DD has not left her room the entire summer holiday. She is a teenager and has only come out to use the bathroom and things of that sort but apart from that she won’t come out. I’m starting to get worried as she doesn’t seem to be interested in her friends or her family. I’ve said to her I’ll take her on a day out somewhere but she has just screamed at me to get out. DS seems to be fine and goes out with his friends almost everyday but DD refuses to.
anyone going through something similar or have any ideas on what to do?

Well, I wouldnt tolerate being screamed at for a start.
So I’d be restricting internet access until she learnt some manners.
It’s clear theres something going on, but you cant begin to get to the bottom of it until she is present enough to talk to you. So implement some rules e.g. up at a certain time ( even if that means you going in opening curtains and windows), no meals in her room etc. These are just examples but she needs to see you are the adult and she cannot behave like this towards you.

You don’t say how old she is but I guess it’s worrying whatever the age. I have DD’s age 12 and 15 and I’d be very concerned however they are both very outgoing and sociable with hobbies outside the home
so would be a massive change in character. How about your dd?

she’s 15.

let her unwind

Does she come downstairs to eat ? If, not, that would be my starting point along with turning the wifi off at 9.00 at night.

how have you not managed to get her out?

why have you allowed this?

What do you expect her mum to do? Physically drag her out?

I’d speak to your gp and say you need an urgent mental health referral. Issues that spring to mind as possibilities: neurodiversity, lack of energy/low mood due to calorie restriction, depression, social anxiety and possibly hormonal pmt type issues. As she’s in the habit of not leaving the room, it’s possible she is increasingly feeling agoraphobic.
It sounds to me like she needs her mental health assessed and might need anti-depressants.
I had similar with my autistic daughter during Covid and it reached an apogee when she stopped washing/changing her clothes and was sitting in her wardrobe because it was dark.Anti- depressants helped her to leave her room, wash and to go out.

Show me you don't understand mental health issues without saying it.

Great post!

be a parent, dont just shrug her shoulders and complain on line 6 weeks later

is this the mother's apathetic reaction?

show me you are not a parent without saying it

Ah yes, the only two parenting options, complete passivity or physical violence.

Maybe. I would be straight onto camhs.

What? I am of a child that had severe mental health issues. So..

Is she reaching her potential in school?

I think there is quite a lot of stages missing before you get to this one.

Firstly OP does not say "why" her DD is not leaving her room and if this is out of character.

If the reason she is not leaving her room is because she's had a falling out with her friends (for example) then this is not the right avenue to pursue.
If she's not leaving her room because she's being bullied, also not the right avenue.
If she has no money to socialise because she's being treated as a younger child and therefore feels she can't go out, not the right avenue.
We simply don't have enough detail.

OP's posts are very light on detail. As other have said it's very unusual to not insist on at least coming out for meals, or enforcing "screaming not acceptable". We don't know if she's just been very passive, or whether she's tried to get to the bottom of things.

And what do you imagine CAMHS would do?

What about her chores, is she doing those? I would switch off internet and not allow her to eat in the bedroom. Allowing her to wallow in her room with only the internet for company will result in MH issues.

I would be less worried if she was in there reading all day but concerned about her being online all the time and isolating herself from the real world. Books feed an imagination and provide comfort, the online world is the absolute opposite and addiction to it is not a good thing. Have you ever watched I Am Ruth? I remember after it Kate Winslet in an interview said something like 'It's ok to tell your children no' in relation to internet use and I wonder how many parents really needed to hear that.

But how you approach it really depends on what she's doing and why, and what her personality is like in general.

Only you know whats the norm for her or if this is a big shift in her lifestyle. I would have a chat with her to voice your concerns and see if there is anything troubling her.

I would insist all meals / snacks are taking place out of her bedroom. Get her to help with preparing meal set table etc. Then she helps clear up afterwards.

Is she showering getting dressed every day? If not I would be insisting on this.

Phone devices to be left out of bedroom at night.

Ah lovely, I see the "I would not tolerate this" brigade are out but, as ever, with little explanation of what that actually, really, practically means in practice.

@confusedmango - if you are still reading after so many completely unhelpful posts, I understand how worrying this is. My teen can be prone to similar. I know how worrying it is. I try to gently engage as many times a day as I can. I try to be calm, quiet, and non-confrontational. I want my teen to know I am a safe person that they can chat to. I don't want them to think I'm some kind of sergeant major laying down arbitrary rules that meet my own definition of what they should be doing (even though I 100% have a clear view on this).

This more softly softly approach has been quite effective at encouraging my teen to engage with me, their dad, siblings and wider family. I've also found it's helped them reconnect with friends and start to go out more and take more interest in other activities.

I do absolutely agree with the poster who said you should make it clear that it's not ok to be rude to you. I am not a doormat and I will absolutely tell them when they have overstepped.

Thank you, I will be doing this now