Teen abroad alone for first time - wants to come home

[Cheesecakeistheanswer]

As the title says - DD18 is on an organised volunteer project in SE Asia. She’s meant to be there for 3 weeks. She is a homebody and quite shy, but it was her idea to go.

She arrived yesterday morning. Almost as soon as she got there I started getting a stream of WhatsApps saying she couldn’t do it, wants to come home after a week, worries about every little thing…

I don’t want her to be unhappy but I think she’ll regret it in the long run if she comes home that early. (And would set a bad precedent for future challenges).

I’ve been trying to get her to take it day by day, and to be understanding about her concerns - it is a massive thing for her to do. But I don’t know if it’s time for some tough love - and just how tough to be.

Has anyone been in this position before? How did you deal with it?

Can you speak with the leader of the project who will be overseeing what she's doing? I doubt this is a first for them

Did she have to fundraiser for this trip?

If so, I’d remind her of that fact.

It's only three weeks. Chances are she will settle in to it after a few days. I would be encouraging her to reach out to support available where she is, and just get stuck into it. It will feel weird and scary at first but it will get easier. It won't help her confidence if she gives up after a few days.

Honestly, I'd be somewhat unsympthetic, but that might not be the right answer. She's old enough that even if she doesnt love it, she can suck it up for 3 weeks. And quite franly, after less than a day, how on earth does she know if she is or is not going to like it? She needs to get some sleep, get involved and see how she feels and, if she STILL doesn't like it, well, sticking it out will be a useful lesson and prove to her that even when things are hard, she CAN do it.

If it's just anxiety and feeling unsettled, then I'd be reluctant to facilitate her coming home ..if there was a actual problem, then that's a different matter.

When I started uni away from home, I called my dad in floods of tears most nights for the first week begging him to pick me up and bring me home. He refused. He did the right thing.

How has this trip been funded?

As harsh as it sounds, be unsympathetic. It’s 3 weeks, not 3 months. She can cope with disliking something for 3 weeks. Unless she’s in danger she can stay.

Time to learn the lesson that she can’t run away from things she’s committed to as soon as she gets there. She’s barely even started, how can she decide already that she doesn’t like it?

Give her time.

We had similar with my niece. For the first few days she was messaging her mum constantly asking to come home. Her mum was seriously considering it, looking into flights and so forth. After about a week she was fine, loved it there and would have stayed longer if she could.

Maybe encourage her to share her worries with one of the leaders or another participant?

It would depend on what was the issue - if she feels unsafe then I'd do what I could to get her home. If she just doesn't know anyone and feels she doesn't fit in, I'd encourage her to sit it out.

Homesickness is shit, i went to boarding school so i know how it feels.

You need to be sympathetic but firm. It receeds somewhat, the homesickness, if you get stuck into something. who paid for the trip?

She needs to stick it out. One day's nothing. DS travelled to NYC last year aged 17. For 8 days.

Just recently back from Portugal on his own aged 18 ( met friends there at a music festival). Five days.

Your DD will be fine.

She can't decide anything in one day. She needs to give it more time -- she's jetlagged and culture-shocked and tired. Encourage her to sit with the (temporary) feelings of discomfort, which are almost certainly shared by at least some others on the project. They will pass. That's the one thing age and experience teaches you. That the thing you think will kill you doesn't.

By day three she will have found her feet. I’ve had this on practically every trip my dd has been on. And then radio silence as they start having fun.

Jet lag can cause some extreme emotions; tell her to get a decent rest and some food. Evaluate together after a night's sleep and try and set mini goals to keep her going through the tough first days, e.g., 'just think in X weeks' time we can go to that cafe you love'

It will. Be culture shock she's probably tired and hot and discombobulated. It is 3 weeks she will be fine. I would stop looking at everything. She sends just reply occasionally.

I spent part of my gap year doing something similar - the first week was tough and I very nearly changed my flights to come home early. However after a week, things just clicked - I made friends and loved the rest of the time away. Keep encouraging your DD to stick it out.

She's 18. Your job is to be a sounding board while she makes her own decision. Empower her to choose. Part of growing up is making choices, reflecting, learning.

It would be a hard but loving no from me. It’s 3 weeks.

Is there anything specific that’s worrying her or making her unhappy, or is it just that she’s out of her comfort zone?

I agree with all of that.

At 18 I’d be gently reminding her she chose to book the tickets and get on that plane (even if she was having wobbles beforehand). It’s only three weeks, she doesn’t need to go back if she doesn’t want to but unless she’s got a grand she wants to waste for a last minute flight home she’s got to try to make the most of it.

She’s probably just got overtired, hot and probably worked out that reorganising a cupboard of a nursery in Thailand is the same as reorganising a cupboard/painting a room in Kent. Not exactly the most fun way to spend three weeks.

She’s an adult, if she’s got the money you can’t stop her sacking off the programme to go chill in a hostel at the beach (she’s probably not got the confidence to do that) or booking herself a flight home (probably not got the cash to do that hence why begging you to bail her out).

I’d be sympathetic, offering advice to find somewhere cool to get her bearings, listening to rants how she doesn’t like the other girls, but definitely reaffirming she needs to make the best out of the next three weeks. Learning resilience is a skill for life.

Just tell her it is completely normal to have second thoughts in the first few days. especially while coping with jet lag, but you are confident she can handle it.

Check there is nothing really dodgy going on that is causing her to panic (no creepy men or really dangerous conditions) and maybe give some advice on how to cope with things being very different and perhaps less comfortable than at home. But encourage her to build her resilience and stay the course.

I would lean in to coaching her kindly and firmly rather than sympathising too intensely with her feelings.

“This feels tough, but you are strong and competent and tougher - I know you can do hard things! What’s the next right thing to do?”

rather than “oh, I’m so sorry, that sounds really tough and scary, no wonder you’re not coping’

She can do three weeks. She’ll be so much more confident in herself on the other side once she sees that she had managed it.

Without giving too much away is it children or animals ?
did she expect to be more "hands on" with the project and might be dissapointed it isn't what she expected.

Is she safe? I'd want to make sure she was first before deciding on encouraging her to stay.