Teen abroad alone for first time - wants to come home

[Cheesecakeistheanswer]

As the title says - DD18 is on an organised volunteer project in SE Asia. She’s meant to be there for 3 weeks. She is a homebody and quite shy, but it was her idea to go.

She arrived yesterday morning. Almost as soon as she got there I started getting a stream of WhatsApps saying she couldn’t do it, wants to come home after a week, worries about every little thing…

I don’t want her to be unhappy but I think she’ll regret it in the long run if she comes home that early. (And would set a bad precedent for future challenges).

I’ve been trying to get her to take it day by day, and to be understanding about her concerns - it is a massive thing for her to do. But I don’t know if it’s time for some tough love - and just how tough to be.

Has anyone been in this position before? How did you deal with it?

She might well be fine in a couple of days and really enjoy. If that doesn't happen, I would sympathise but I wouldn't help her to come home. 3 weeks is hardly anything and the challenge will be good for her regardless.

In my experience of doing this kind of thing as a young person, the first 24-48 hours are always awful, and then you get into the swing of it and (usually) have a brilliant time. Tell her this. There’s no need to put a guilt trip on her about funding or anything else, she hasn’t done anything wrong - she’s just experiencing a very normal phenomenon and she needs to hang in there for another day or two.

I would agree with PP, DD sounds overwhelmed, totally normal after travel, and arriving in an unfamiliar environment. If she was mine, I would reassure and say if you still feel the same after a week, then you will look at flight options etc.

I would think by then she will be settled and enjoying her trip, and won’t want to return earlier than planned. I can imagine how this has tugged at your heartstrings OP [hug] it’s horrible when your kids are an unhappy at any age. Good luck

she needs to stick it out for a few days. talk to others on the programme.
she needs PUT THE PHONE AWAY FOR MOST OF THE DAY
if after a week she really can't continue it's time to revaluate.

It's so hard - I really feel for you! My DS went to Japan for ten days when he was 12 - school exchange trip and he was the youngest there and the only Y7. He loved the first couple of days but called me in floods of days on about day 3, begging to come home, sending me photos of himself crying etc. It was awful, but it passed. I rang the teacher on the trip and she and the host mum were amazing and got him through it, and he was right as rain the next day. Try to get your daughter to stick it out for a week, by which time she'll hopefully have got into the swing of it, got used to the heat/food/mosquitoes, and will be OK for the rest of the trip.

It’s homesickness. Everyone who has a reasonable family life suffers from it the first time they leave, but then it recedes, and you don’t really suffer from it with the same violence again.

My first few weeks at University, many of my intake had been away from home (you took the entrance exam in October, so you had the rest of the academic year to fill after it). You could tell the girls who had been away from home without asking, they were the ones who had red eyes and were very quiet at breakfast. The rest of us had done our three weeks weeping and worrying.

Well it's her decision isn't it.
I don't think you should be trying to influence her either way.
You are not there. You don't really know how she is feeling.
You are not her employer.
If she needs a loan to get back I would advance it with written agreement as to repayment.

Tell her to stop contacting you all the time, it's her adventure to make the most of or survive. She's 18, if she hates it that much she can make her own arrangements to come home.

have a listen to this ..

My DDs went on a school residential in y2. Both loved every minute of it. Not everyone gets homesick.

This happened with dd 10 years ago, she left a gap year working holiday after 6 weeks (instead of 6 months). She was in a similar state to your dd. She has regretted leaving ever since.
Good luck to your dd. Tell her to hold tight and hang on, one day at a time.

The OP’s DD is an adult. I wouldn’t have thought the person overseeing the project would be taking calls from parents about homesickness like a teacher on a Y6 residential school trip.

OP, she’s been there for one day. She will be fine in a couple of days and no, she absolutely shouldn’t come home after a week. If she hates it, she hates it, but three weeks really isn’t a long time at all to stick it out and she will be stronger for having had the experience. You don’t have to be ‘tough’ but you do have to tell her that she needs to calm down and give it a chance.

Can you just agree to review it in six days time but until that point not to keep asking?

The danger is that if you book something now she might be loving it by then.

Give her the reassurance that you'll find an out of needs be but that it's detrimental to both of you to make decisions now when much could change.

Yeah all just to me too, not DH! He wasn’t the slightest bit worried. I was just grateful she was being honest with me at least. I did say let’s see how you feel in a week but by then she was into the swing of it. Hope your DD does the same. Sending hugs and solidarity.

I know you’re all right - and I’m determined not to give in - but I don’t know how much more I can take. Today it’s health anxiety… when can I come home mum, can I book a flight mum. I set up a chat with her dad too but she keeps just messaging me. (We’re together - but only just). I can’t take much more.

Mute her, she is fine direct her to project managers get her to ask them about flights home i know she is young but old enough to speak up for herself, if she wants to come home she organises it through the organisation.

I think you might have to make yourself unavailable for a bit. Honestly it’s three weeks. Has she been given anything to do yet? She seems to have a lot of time for texting etc.

I would let her come home

We as parents do need to be a bit more hands on though. She’s a shy homebody young woman (with probably very little experience of the big wide world) and you say yes to going to a massively hot and humid country with completely different levels of health/safety/cleanliness/food/customs half across the world for three weeks? Wtf. It could have been Greece or Tenerife or whatnot instead.

Let her come home if she wants to. Muting like others suggest is awful. She sounds like she’s really panicking and I would be ringing her, gauging the situation and if she was really unhappy helping her book tickets home

I don't think muting her for an hour or 2 is "awful"

Really try to flip it to her making her decision - kindly of course, tell her it’s not for you to give permission but for her to decide and action - and that you’ll support her choice whatever it might be but it has to be her decision and she has to own it

Is she safe? Is her accommodation safe? No one harassing her or making her feel uncomfortable, even a team leader abusing their position?

@Tatemoderndrawyourown So why on earth did she go then? Frankly it does sound a bit pathetic. In life there really is taking the rough with the smooth. If my dc had decided to do this, paid for by me, they would not have texted like this. It’s disrespectful to the op. It’s manipulative. My dc did go away from home at 13 but I knew they could and would thrive. It was for 3 months, not 3 weeks! Isn’t it about time dc did learn that if you make a decision you must stick with it. It’s 3 weeks - not a lifetime!

This is probably what I was trying to say.

At 18 mine would have arranged to come home if they really wanted to, not waited for permission.