Teen abroad alone for first time - wants to come home

[Cheesecakeistheanswer]

As the title says - DD18 is on an organised volunteer project in SE Asia. She’s meant to be there for 3 weeks. She is a homebody and quite shy, but it was her idea to go.

She arrived yesterday morning. Almost as soon as she got there I started getting a stream of WhatsApps saying she couldn’t do it, wants to come home after a week, worries about every little thing…

I don’t want her to be unhappy but I think she’ll regret it in the long run if she comes home that early. (And would set a bad precedent for future challenges).

I’ve been trying to get her to take it day by day, and to be understanding about her concerns - it is a massive thing for her to do. But I don’t know if it’s time for some tough love - and just how tough to be.

Has anyone been in this position before? How did you deal with it?

She may need mum to help her with the money / airport pickups. I think it’s always good to speak to a parent if you’re upset and considering coming back, they’re only 18. Maybe yours don’t feel as close to you

I've had this with my DD (whose always been homesick when away from home) on week long holidays to perfectly reasonable places with friends. Thankfully this year there's been a marked improvement in the texting home and hating where she is.
I refused to organise an early return and just texted supportive responses and sent link's to help pages about dealing with travel anxiety/health anxiety/breathing grounding exercises. It was very stressful though. I was dreading this years hols but it's gone better.
See if you can get hold of the organisers as they should to provide some support and she can't be the first to feel like this.
I tell my DD how she can do hard things gs and sometimes you just have to do them. She'll feel fabulous whens she has stuck it out.
When you have a child with anxiety it's a tightrope of support and pushing them and sometimes sticking firm in a supportive way (which feels awful) or their world just gets smaller and smaller!

I would also say when she is back she needs some help with this anxiety she is suffering with it sounds debilitating, she can't go through life worry about a scratch turning into god knows what.

When she gets home I'd sort her out with some therapy and maybe propanalol. This is not a helpful level of anxiety for someone on the verge of adulthood, and she needs to learn to manage it.

I'd tell her that this is just her body sending false signals that it is in danger, and she needs to talk to someone there and then get stuck into work.

Ah nice try but it’s because we are close that it wouldn’t be an issue. Obviously they would speak to me but my point is that they didn't need my permission to change their minds if they didn’t feel ok. I would have little desire to force them to stay somewhere that they didn’t feel comfortable. They grew up to be successful independent adults though, despite my not forcing them to remain somewhere they didn’t want to be. Anyway, my actual comment was that they wouldn’t need to look for permission, not that they wouldn’t discuss it or that I would t offer any help.

You don't give a teen propanol for struggling with a long haul break.

@simsbustinoutmimi Don’t be so horrible with your last sentence!! Nasty. Closeness has nothing to do with being robust and sticking with what you have agreed to do. Being close isn’t about dc being manipulative multiple times a day and asking for the fare home. Being close is understanding each other and knowing the temperament of dc before they go. Dd must know her mum is upset but closeness doesn’t mean she doesn’t have to think about this. I’m very close to DDs however I’m firm but fair. It’s mutual respect. Don’t ever tell mums they are not close to dc!

I still think she should try and see it through otherwise next time she tries to do something the same thing will probably happen again. 3 weeks isn't long and personally I would answer the texts but not immediately when they come through. I also wouldn't pay for new flights. If the flights can be changed at minimal cost then she can sort it out herself. I would instead talk to her about coping strategies and how to make it work for her.

So long as she’s safe, I wouldn’t have much sympathy. Surely the whole point of this kind of trip is to build up resilience, which many young people these days appear to lack. FWIW, I went to the back of beyond on a gap year project in the late 90s. There was no internet, and I spoke to my family 3 times in 6 months! 3 weeks with an iPhone is nothing. Kindly, I’d suggest she needs to grow up!

I'd suggest helping her with the things that you can help make better, eg suggesting to wash the cut with salt water, making sure she has a number/address for a doctor should she need to get to one.
I had a family member in a similar position a few years ago, and when I talked to her about how she could change her flights, eg go to the the airport about an hour and talk to someone there, as there didn't seem to be an online option, she didn't want to do that. What she wanted was her Mum to wave a magic wand and make it better, and some sympathy. She did end up staying and had a great time, and it really helped improve her self-esteem, realising that she could cope by herself.

She wanted to go and was excited for booking it.

I think you should call her, speak to her and tell her she needs to make an effort for a few days and that being constantly texting you is not helping HER. So she should go and have lunch with the rest of the group, or visit something she had been looking forward to. Remind her that these feelings are normal, but this is part of what she's learning. Let her know you love her and will talk to her later but you are now going to [insert whatever is appropriate] and wont be online for a while but you're looking forward to catching up later.

I got a hysterical call from DS at 9pm during his Duke of Edinburgh - he hated it, please could I come get him etc etc etc. 9 am the next morning I got another call - happy as larry, and asking what was for dinner.

remind her that as a young adult she now needs to make her own choices and arrangements, consulting whoever she needs to where she is, and cover the costs.

I really think you need to tell her to be brave, see it through and only message if there's an actual problem. She'll be so proud of herself if she makes it to the end, even if she hates it. Encourage her to speak to the organisers for support, if it's a reputable organisation they will provide it. And do remind her who paid for the opportunity! Fixing it for her won't help in the long run, let her take some responsibility for whatever she decides is the solution.

She is safe. I contacted the organisers - she told them it was more work than she’d expected and she might take some time just to travel. They said she seemed absolutely fine.

She is a homebody and I do wonder if her anxiety is something she needs help with. But I do also think there would be something whether it was a European thing or when she went off to university. She will never learn what she’s capable of if she doesn’t try.

Good Lord! She’s a grown woman! I wouldn’t be ‘letting’ mine go anywhere at that age, they’d be telling me where they were going. No wonder there are so many young adults around who simply can’t cope with the very basics of life!

Going to SE-Asia for three weeks by herself isn't 'the very basics of life', stop being dramatic. My children will do what they want to do, but if I have been and done that or know my children might find that too hard as a first step I will also tell them my opinion. They want to go? Absolutely fine, but then they are in charge, no calling/texting me every time a mosquito bites them and they want to come home crying.

Glad the OP's daughter is fine btw

It's so important we remember these moments. We often think the current generation is softer but actually it was totally normal for us to have major wobbles when we struck out on our own for the first time, but there was no opportunity to call home whenever anxiety kicked in.

These days we get access to every wobble our teens have, and it's crucial we don't treat them as insurmountable. The amount of times I have lain awake night after night angsting about DS2's profound loneliness and lack of self belief only to ring him next morning to hear 'Oh I got the job/have an interview and I'm on my way to a party/going on a second date tomorrow.'

I've been to Thailand many times.. hard to imagine they need foreigner volunteers for anything... It's not a third world place...

Do they not have elephant sanctuaries in Thailand? Its maybe something like that .

Wonderful as Thailand is, I think this is a big step at 18 especially for an anxious introvert travelling alone. She might be 'a grown woman' according to the law but a few months ago she was just a kid at school.

Where is she in Thailand? What is she doing as a volunteer? If she's not enjoying the volunteering and wants to just travel for a bit then maybe encourage her to do that after a week there. Have a chat about the places she might like to visit.

Dengue will be more of a risk than malaria unless she's along the borders - has she got Deet to use? The dengue mosquitos are most active during the day so it's a good idea to put it on in the morning and keep herself covered if she's concerned.

I do think it’s a bit of a random ‘first trip abroad at 18’

Why not Spain or Greece for 7 days with some friends?

My experience having been on the organising end of 1000+ teens doing these trips is the more they talk to the mums the worse it gets. It 10x the homesickness.

I would have thought she should have read what the volunteering entailed before going! It’s not a travelling holiday if it’s volunteering.

Third world isn’t the only place where you can volunteer. Lots of countries have eco projects you can join for example. It’s naive to think it was travel based. Travelling is also far more down to the individual - unless she’s now met someone who is also flunking off! I think she just does not like the work and wants to get out of it!