Teen abroad alone for first time - wants to come home

[Cheesecakeistheanswer]

As the title says - DD18 is on an organised volunteer project in SE Asia. She’s meant to be there for 3 weeks. She is a homebody and quite shy, but it was her idea to go.

She arrived yesterday morning. Almost as soon as she got there I started getting a stream of WhatsApps saying she couldn’t do it, wants to come home after a week, worries about every little thing…

I don’t want her to be unhappy but I think she’ll regret it in the long run if she comes home that early. (And would set a bad precedent for future challenges).

I’ve been trying to get her to take it day by day, and to be understanding about her concerns - it is a massive thing for her to do. But I don’t know if it’s time for some tough love - and just how tough to be.

Has anyone been in this position before? How did you deal with it?

OP, I sympathise, was in exactly the same position (v young 18yo DD, organised group in Asia) a few weeks ago. First two days she was calling and messaging in tears (on Asia time so in the middle of the night here..) - she hated it, she wasn’t sure about the other people, she was tired and stressed, it was a mistake etc. I was reassuring and supportive, but encouraged her to just keep going. By day 3/4 she was fine, having incredible adventures she would never have had without the relative safety of the group (Gap360?) and by the end of the month had made friends for life. And is SO much more grown-up, independent and ready for uni. She can problem solve better, and her interpersonal skills and confidence have improved immensely.

I was so worried about her, barely slept while she was away but just kept telling her how proud I was of her and keeping upbeat about her sharing pix of monkeys, mountains, temples and cocktails. I didn’t say she couldn’t come home (she paid for it with her child trust fund), but definitely didn’t give her an easy out. It’s hard but hopefully she will adjust and be just fine in a couple of days. It’s so hard for mamas when you can’t just get them back under your wing and they are so far away, but it’s worth it for both of you. Good luck!

Thanks all - you’ve confirmed my thoughts! It’s nothing major - middle of the night angst about mosquitoes and not being able to sleep, worries about a (very minor) cut getting infected. She’s not in danger and the people don’t seem to be a problem. I’m trying to get in touch with the organisers out there to check in.

We paid for the trip. We could say she needs to take money out of uni savings to pay for any flight changes. I almost don’t want to give her that option though - just because leaving early would be such a shame.

Really hope we have the same!!

If only we didn’t have WhatsApp with the ease of messaging and seeing if someone’s read things!!

Sometimes you need to think that this is an occasion where you will enjoy the memories rather than the event. She may also find it helpful to draw a calendar so she can tick off the days.

Homesickness is horrible though, especially coupled with jetlag.

I went travelling for 3 months on my own at 19 before university. Entirely planned and funded by me.

I remember sitting crying in a park in Paris on day 1 completely overwhelmed about what I was doing, who did I think I was, etc etc.

Eventually I thought it through, I had been talking about it and saving for a year. I was not going to go home when nothing had even happened. So I gave myself a talking to, bought coffee and cake, and got on with it. Had the time of my life, I had to learn to have faith in myself.

It’ll pass.

I remember busting out into tears infront of everyone, two days into a 3 month volunteer placement in an African school 😳 (no mobiles back then to ring mum and dad!) It is very easy to feel overwhelmed with the initial culture shock and home sickness. Has she ever been out of Europe / North America before? Are there other young volunteers there she can confide in? The jet lag won't be helping either. But she needs to stick it out. It's these kind of hard experiences that help us grow, and make us strong, resilient adults.

@HelloTreacle9 - that is reassuring! Glad your DD turned the corner. Think the hard thing is she’s not saying let me go now, she’s asking me to say now she can do just one week. I keep saying let’s see how the next couple of days go but she keeps coming back.

She’s also not saying any of this to her DF - all just to me.

Mozzies whining in your ear at night when you're trying to sleep is a nightmare I can sympathise with. I can't verify if it works, but I saw an ingenious method of catching them on insta the other day. The lady put a thin layer of cooking oil on a big dinner plate and just walked around waving it in the air and all the mozzies stuck to it! Might be worth a try?

My DD went abroad last year for a month work experience. Fortunately she shared a room with someone she knew, that certainly helped, though they all did different work.
She was committed to it (it was funded by Turing Scheme) so even if she hated it she knew she had to stick it out. And a month (or three weeks for your DD) was nothing. And the amount she learned! How to negotiate the transport system of another country, how to live with 14 other people she didn’t know, how to think on her feet in tricky situations, how to advocate for herself. She didn’t know the language and they were left to their own devices to deal with anything - there was no ‘experienced adult’ to rescue them.
I’m sure it’s just jet lag, being overwhelmed, lack of confidence. Be empathetic but remind her how much she wanted to do this. Tell her to dive right in - it may well be far out of her comfort zone but that’s how she’ll grow.

Part of the reason for doing something like this is that it's a challenge.

She's only been there a day. As long as you are sure she is safe, I wouldn't assist her coming home and I wouldn't be suggesting that she can pay for a flight change. If it's a volunteer project she is there to do a job.

Say you'll reconsider in one week but that's it. Reconsider.

It's likely to be culture shock, but she will thank you in the future when she ends up staying and having an amazing experience.

After one day, she can't possibly judge.
It's only 3 weeks, not 3 months, so she needs to stay.
You need to be robust, OP, and not respond to all her messages

Don't give in. It's a rite of passage.

And watch this. It's nothing new:

duckduckgo.com/?t=fpas&q=camp+granada+video&ia=videos&iax=videos&iai=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D4yFTOvO0utY

My advice is a little left field but may land…. Emphasise and listen do not problem solve for them, reassure her that what’s she is feeling is normal, maybe send her voice note so she can hear your voice and then ask if - if you said yes and she was flying home tomorrow does she really want to do that, what feels like the best option - taking away the experience she has planned and got herself too or to try it for a few days / weeks and then see . The process behind thinking how do I feel if this is gone and I get what I thought I wanted can be quite powerful to help her see that she actually does want to try to be there and own that she’s going to give it a good shot, tell her that if she does and she still hates it then you’ll ask her the same in a week and then book a flight - id guess she is tired anxious and sleep deprived and this technique can help her settle the turmoil as she’s not fighting you to allow her - she’s starting to address what her worries are

Basically your making it her decision - not yours - all you’re doing is facilitating her choice - taking the enemy away (you) can be really empowering when the are anxious :)

Tell her if she wants to come home she can organise her own return flight.

It’d be a hard no from me I’m afraid, unless she’s genuinely ill or in danger. She’s NOT homesick already, she’s just experiencing a bit of culture shock. She’ll get into her stride and be so proud if she sticks it out.

she will never get any resilliance if she doesn't learn to stick things out for a while. it's 3 weeks, not a ten stretch in holloway

But she's an adult -- , even if you paid for the trip, ultimately it's her call. Part of being an adult is not placing your parents in a situation where they grant or forbid certain things, and part of parenting a young adult child is not leaping to sort out their problems for them. It's a learning moment. Don't problem solve for her, as a pp said. Listen and sympathise and tell her what she's feeling is normal and a rite of passage, without going along with the idea that 'allowing' her to come home after a day is your decision. That won't help anyone.

She’s presumably had the correct jabs, meds etc and has travel insurance

As you’ve funded her trip, if she returns early I’d expect her to take the decision herself (not seek your permission), do all of the organising / explaining and to pay for the transport and any other costs incurred. I’d also express serious annoyance at her having wasted my money!

(If she decided to return, that is).

If she’s looking to you to decide/pay for transport and other costs/organise an early return - it’d be no to that from me.

Being away from home is a challenge but it builds skills and resilience. Do not agree to her coming home. It is something an 18 year old should be able to do. Remind her that giving up isn’t a good thing and it’s letting people down, including herself.

My DDs went to an exchange trip in SA for a term (Jan to beginning of April) when they were 13. DD1 went first and DD2 followed 2 years later. They both went with a friend from school and the SA girls took their places at the school here. They were not accompanied by parents on the flights nor did they ask to come home. DD2s friend did want to come home but DD2 talked her out of it. After settling down it all worked out fine.

When I was 17, I went to Germany to stay with a family for 3 weeks, as a language student . The first week hard, very hard. I was quite homesick and would love to have come home.
By the end of my time there, I could have stayed for another month. It was the time of a weekly phone call or a letter for communication. Needless to say, I never told my parents and it was a great experience

I remember being in a similar situation to your DD, I got there everyone else was so confident and outgoing and the first week was really rough as I struggled to find my place. But I soon did and loved it, even know years later it was one of the best things I did and I proud I stuck it out. It's taught me that sometimes I need time to adjust when others don't, and I know myself much better because of this.
I think supporting her to try and stay a week before she makes any decisions is the right thing to do.