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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Living with late teens, early 20s children

101 replies

SilverDoublet · 22/06/2025 22:16

My kids are still pre teenagers, just about, but in our area the cost of renting a flat or house share is insane, so we're looking at them living with us til they are mid 20s, I would think. Those of you that have teenagers/ young adults, do you allow them to have gfs/bfs stay over? What age would you allow them to do that? Do you allow it every weekend or on a regular basis? What about casual relationships...

Any insights or opinions welcome!
Thanks.

OP posts:
Headingtowardsdivorce · 22/06/2025 22:20

We've allowed them to have girlfriends stay over since they were 16, providing the girl's parents were ok with it. We do not allow one night stands.

Original poster
SilverDoublet · 22/06/2025 22:23

Would that just be at weekends? What if they want the gf or bf over several nights a week? Do you usually meet the gfs parents?

OP posts:
nouht · 22/06/2025 22:42

Only had experience of this when the kids were in their 20s and we allowed boyfriends staying over weekends only - we need our own space. One night stands - don’t want strangers in my house so from that point of view the answer would be no.

Original poster
SilverDoublet · 22/06/2025 22:49

How was that? Was it weird having boyfriends there at the weekends? Or did you have a big house so it was less of an issue? Did you feel like the house wasn't your own?

OP posts:
ninjahamster · 22/06/2025 22:50

We allowed from 16 onwards, if in a relationship.

Noshadelamp · 22/06/2025 22:55

The problem you have right now is your children are pre teen so it feels a huge leap to imagine sll these scenarios you're asking about.
There's no point worrying at the moment, you'll grow into that phase when the time comes. And if you still have questions I'm sure mn will still be here.
Enjoy your pre teens!

Original poster
SilverDoublet · 22/06/2025 23:00

Do most parents allow it these days from 16? My mum would have killed me if I brought anyone to stay overnight. She was religious and I had a lot of much younger siblings. It's hard for me to imagine it!

OP posts:
novocaine4thesoul · 22/06/2025 23:05

You are probably worrying about it a bit early with pre-teens, but for what is worth, here are my tips (5 kids here, youngest now 19).
For established relationships, fine to have partner over as long as the partner's parent is also OK with it, and no harm in insisting that you have partner's parent details for that first communication, and also if there is any emergency (also they will be having sex, but in your house rather than somewhere else). Zero tolerance for one night stands, and pissed young people seeing your house as a "crashpad" to go when they can't go home - whereas I would not turn a young person away if it was genuinely the last resort, I am completely over the scenario where we have drama and puking / parenting to deal with at 2am - don't make it an "open house". You have to set some clear boundaries . Some teens settle down in a relationship quite early, and prefer to stay at one house or the other, and are quite nice and respectful. They still don't put their dishes in the dishwasher though 😁

Screamingabdabz · 22/06/2025 23:07

Yes as soon as our adult children were 18 they could do what they liked and bring home who they liked. They slept together in their own rooms. We raised them to be respectful and they always were. Their boyfriends and girlfriends have been great.

It’s always a relief when we get the house back to ourselves of course, but I love having them round. We basically leave them to it while they’re here, so there is no expectation of catering (unless we fancy doing it) and they clean up after themselves. I think they quite like that it’s relaxed and everyone does their own thing. As a result we often end up hanging out chatting away or watching tv together.

Floranan · 22/06/2025 23:09

16 ! Really 16 !

I don’t know what to say to that 16 !

Original poster
SilverDoublet · 23/06/2025 09:02

novocaine4thesoul · 22/06/2025 23:05

You are probably worrying about it a bit early with pre-teens, but for what is worth, here are my tips (5 kids here, youngest now 19).
For established relationships, fine to have partner over as long as the partner's parent is also OK with it, and no harm in insisting that you have partner's parent details for that first communication, and also if there is any emergency (also they will be having sex, but in your house rather than somewhere else). Zero tolerance for one night stands, and pissed young people seeing your house as a "crashpad" to go when they can't go home - whereas I would not turn a young person away if it was genuinely the last resort, I am completely over the scenario where we have drama and puking / parenting to deal with at 2am - don't make it an "open house". You have to set some clear boundaries . Some teens settle down in a relationship quite early, and prefer to stay at one house or the other, and are quite nice and respectful. They still don't put their dishes in the dishwasher though 😁

Do the 5 children all have their own rooms for this sort of thing? Do you end up with say 10 people staying in the house on a regular basis??! If say 3 have partners over.
We have 4 kids close in age together, trying to picture what it's going to be like 😂

OP posts:
Cynic17 · 23/06/2025 09:08

How on earth do you know that they will still even be in the same town when they're in their early 20s? They could have a job or course that takes them hundreds of miles away. Getting a property now to accommodate adult children would put a whole lot of unnecessary pressure on them - no "child" should feel obligated to hang around their home town. Let them fly!

YellowGrey · 23/06/2025 09:08

My eldest is 19 and he's been with his girlfriend for 2.5 years. She's been staying over since they had been together for a few months (so they were both 17 at the time) - we did have a quick chat with her parents the first time to make sure that was ok with them. It's usually once a week or so - I wouldn't want it to be several nights a week.

Moveoverdarlin · 23/06/2025 09:10

I would have to know them very well before they were allowed to sleep over and not before 18. In fact I think the university years are a game changer. They go as kids but come back as adults. Before that I wouldn’t have sleepovers.

Holluschickie · 23/06/2025 10:54

I have posted about this ad nauseum- so forgive me- but I don't allow partners or sex in my house, established or not.
They are free to move out for that.

I don't charge any rent or board though.

EvilDJ · 23/06/2025 11:26

We’ve always been happy to accommodate boyfriends and girlfriends and am fine with very occasional ONS.
DC1 has friends stay over frequently too, just had a great weekend with old uni housemates who are all lovely.
It can feel a bit like your space is invaded. DH finds it harder than I do. My parents never let me have DH to stay but were fine with me staying at his which I always found a bit odd and I didn’t want to be like that as a parent.

nouht · 23/06/2025 11:45

SilverDoublet · 22/06/2025 22:49

How was that? Was it weird having boyfriends there at the weekends? Or did you have a big house so it was less of an issue? Did you feel like the house wasn't your own?

I assume you are asking me? I set rules for the weekend - the boyfriend is in the army so our house is the only place they can hang out, they did offer to book hotels but I didn’t see the need. Weekends only, they have to clean up after themselves, go out on a Saturday and not slob around the house (boyfriend has amazing manners, very tidy, very respectful) we often go out to pub/restaurants with them - they cook for us on Sundays but weekdays are work and that’s our time. I’m sure if I didn’t like him it would be different but generally I encourage them to give us space.

RosesAndHellebores · 23/06/2025 11:51

If in stable relationships, yes and no one night stands.

DS was 17, had a girlfriend and we had discussed it in advance. Made sure her parents were happy and had a chat about contraception.

It was unexpected when it happened. I came downstairs, there were a pair of pink ballerinas in the hall and I remember thinking "oh when did dd get those". On the way back-up the hall I clocked they were a size 6 or 7. DD is a size 3. And the penny dropped.

It's never been a problem and the dc and their bf's gf's have always been respectful. It would be more of a problem if it were a tiny house I imagine.

FairKoala · 23/06/2025 11:56

Holluschickie · 23/06/2025 10:54

I have posted about this ad nauseum- so forgive me- but I don't allow partners or sex in my house, established or not.
They are free to move out for that.

I don't charge any rent or board though.

What happens if they move away and are married and have children and can’t afford the expense of a hotel every time they want to visit. Are you saying that you would never see them or see them rarely

BeaSure · 23/06/2025 11:59

Do most parents allow it these days from 16?

Not in my circle. We allowed DD's boyfriend to stay from when she was 18, in 6th form. We also encouraged her to maintain her friendships so she doesn't see bf every single weekend.

If she comes home to live after uni, she won't be allowed casuals to stay over. It's my home too!

FairKoala · 23/06/2025 12:03

Also if you don’t have partners in your house, how does that work. Do you never meet their partners. Even if they have children. Would you only ever see your child

WhyIhatebaylissandharding · 23/06/2025 12:10

Worked out at 16/17 in our house. Didn't really set rules and it all worked out fine. All were ic committed relationships - would have stepped in if it was just casual.

CatHairEveryWhereNow · 23/06/2025 12:10

We have 4 bed house - so kids all have own room. Smallest one - and it's a box - swapped between girls when eldest went to Uni.

DD1 been gone since 18 uni - rarely comes back here - but has her own room when she does. Her GF at time stayed over when she house sat for us last summer holiday.

None of them have asked to bring GF/BF overnight TBF. Our parents let us stay - my parents in seperate room as had younger sis - from uni onwards - so assume we'll do similar.

DD1 does not want to boomerang back - whether she manages that no idea - DS expect to come back after uni for a few years currently - he's just 18.

We'll likely move on with work when youngest has finished uni - but that will likely mean downsizing - hopefully to 3 bed - so kids can visist easily but we'll have a priority list nearer time.

Hoenstly with our budget and time we looked at catchmnet area (sadly disappointed with secondary school) and commutes - with two toilets and 4 bedrooms - there was very little choice - and this is space we have so everyone has to manage.

Holluschickie · 23/06/2025 12:12

FairKoala · 23/06/2025 12:03

Also if you don’t have partners in your house, how does that work. Do you never meet their partners. Even if they have children. Would you only ever see your child

DDs bf came over for tea or a meal occasionally but he didnt stay overnight. That's what I mean.
In my culture people dont have kids outside marriage.

TelephoneWires · 23/06/2025 13:21

Our rules are over the age of 18 and together for 6 months or longer. Long distance relationships have meant that we have put partners up in the spare room officially before meeting these. We haven’t policed the corridor all night though so who knows. Definitely not one night stands at any age.