Page 4 | Living with late teens, early 20s children

SilverDoublet · 2025-06-22T21:16:18+00:00

My kids are still pre teenagers, just about, but in our area the cost of renting a flat or house share is insane, so we're looking at them living with us til they are mid 20s, I would think. Those of you that have teenagers/ young adults, do you allow them to have gfs/bfs stay over? What age would you allow them to do that? Do you allow it every weekend or on a regular basis? What about casual relationships... Any insights or opinions welcome! Thanks.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 24/06/2025 15:13

We allowed it, but it was a mistake, because one pretty much moved their partner in, quietly, so we had to lay down the law and limit it to 3 days max.

Holluschickie · 24/06/2025 15:14

And also @FairKoala pl have your own parenting values and let me have mine.
Both my kids are adults and doing well enough, so I am happy with the way things have turned out. Really no need to cross examine me on my religion. Did you think I was Muslim? I am not. I don't even pray.

Baffling to me that every other post on MN is about a pregnant teen, but if I discourage or don't enable that- because teens are often too stupid to use contraception and should be bloody studying- I am the villain/ pearlclutcher.

I haven't criticised anyone else's decisions. Leave me to mine.

CatHairEveryWhereNow · 24/06/2025 15:34

SilverDoublet · 24/06/2025 13:22

With all this sleeping over, have all of you made sure your teenagers have their own bedrooms, with double beds?
What if they share with a sibling.... What happens then...? Or does no one share with siblings anymore?

If they are sharing a room it's clear and easy no to over nights.

Ours shared till we moved to 4 bed - it's increasingly less common to share rooms.

We will upgrade to double bed when DS heads of to uni in his room - because it will have to become more a guest room - DGP can't manage sofa bed in one of the downstairs rooms so stop in nearby hotel on visists- with him having first dibs.

There's not room in box room for double - it's got a mid rise in, storage and wardrobe and home made desk - that's it. So that's been left as is.

Both teens currently here have adult single beds in their rooms- and they are fine in them.

You have to make use of the space you have/can afford - if they are preteen kids that's a lot of time to adjust things or move on and you can't really predict what they'll do or if they'll want to bring BF/GF over.

Crimson5 · 24/06/2025 18:44

My daughter met her husband when they were 16. Used to stay round each others houses. His family took them on hol iday.
My parents were religious but we are in the 21st century. Not one night stands but boyfriend or girlfriend. I think my son sneaked friends in while I was at work.would rather they were open and careful not sneaking off to odd places.
Just make rules that you can live with comfortably. They will soon feel like part of the family .

Original poster

SilverDoublet · 24/06/2025 23:39

Wornouttoday · 24/06/2025 14:53

So many questions and comments about the sex lives of teenagers, OP.

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I didn't get to have a sex life as a teenager, overnight guests were not welcome and my mother didn't believe in sex before marriage. So I don't know what most people do.

OP posts:

nouht · 25/06/2025 07:37

SilverDoublet · 24/06/2025 23:39

I didn't get to have a sex life as a teenager, overnight guests were not welcome and my mother didn't believe in sex before marriage. So I don't know what most people do.

Show quote history

Well, life has moved on since your mum's day and society's attitudes have changed. What most people do is up to them - you need to think about the consequences for you and your kids when the time comes.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 25/06/2025 07:41

ninjahamster · 22/06/2025 22:50

We allowed from 16 onwards, if in a relationship.

This basically sixth former boyfriends/ girl friends are Welcome at the weekend . In upper sixth I allowed one night in the week. After A- levels- they are adults so it is up to them. Both of mine are in LTR so didn't have to worry about casual partners. They are 18 and 21.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 25/06/2025 07:42

ninjahamster · 22/06/2025 22:50

We allowed from 16 onwards, if in a relationship.

This basically sixth former boyfriends/ girl friends are Welcome at the weekend . In upper sixth I allowed one night in the week. After A- levels- they are adults so it is up to them. Both of mine are in LTR so didn't have to worry about casual partners. They are 18 and 21.

Picklechicken · 25/06/2025 08:09

There’s a bigger issue here that many just overlook. I am one of those whose Mum allowed me to have people over. So from when I was about 17 started to have boyfriends back. (We had a large house, over several floors and my room was at the top of the house, almost like a mini self contained flat). I used to think this was amazing but now - as a Mum of a dd aged 22- I think my Mum was far too laid back. It meant that any relationships I had quickly became sexual and I had no barriers to bringing anyone back / making the relationship more intense. I think if my Mum had made things more difficult for me I would have avoided some of the relationships I did, not all of them were good for me. When you’re a teenager it’s good to have some boundaries at home, you need to know your parents are looking out for you. It’s okay to not be the cool parent.

It’s one of the reasons (as I posted earlier) that I’ve never allowed dd to have boyfriends over. I want her to view our home as a safe space, away from boyfriends etc and it takes the pressure off completely as she can never be pushed into bringing someone home as she can just say mum says no. End of.

NoNameMum · 25/06/2025 09:53

Picklechicken · 25/06/2025 08:09

There’s a bigger issue here that many just overlook. I am one of those whose Mum allowed me to have people over. So from when I was about 17 started to have boyfriends back. (We had a large house, over several floors and my room was at the top of the house, almost like a mini self contained flat). I used to think this was amazing but now - as a Mum of a dd aged 22- I think my Mum was far too laid back. It meant that any relationships I had quickly became sexual and I had no barriers to bringing anyone back / making the relationship more intense. I think if my Mum had made things more difficult for me I would have avoided some of the relationships I did, not all of them were good for me. When you’re a teenager it’s good to have some boundaries at home, you need to know your parents are looking out for you. It’s okay to not be the cool parent.

It’s one of the reasons (as I posted earlier) that I’ve never allowed dd to have boyfriends over. I want her to view our home as a safe space, away from boyfriends etc and it takes the pressure off completely as she can never be pushed into bringing someone home as she can just say mum says no. End of.

I think we’re all conditioned a bit from how we were treated by our parents. My parents were strict and religious to the point that when I was ill with flu - a month before our wedding! - my now husband came to see me and he wasn’t even allowed in my bedroom. I had to get up and go downstairs even though I felt completely dreadful and nothing would have happened in a million years! I think partly their restrictions pushed us into getting married at 24. Despite the fact we’re still together at 50, there’s no way I’d encourage that with my kids and would want them to live a little first.
That said, circumstances with my son have meant that anyone he has had to stay have been girlfriends that we know he’s been staying over with while he’s at university so it would seem daft not to let them stay in the holidays.

Holluschickie · 25/06/2025 10:03

Picklechicken · 25/06/2025 08:09

There’s a bigger issue here that many just overlook. I am one of those whose Mum allowed me to have people over. So from when I was about 17 started to have boyfriends back. (We had a large house, over several floors and my room was at the top of the house, almost like a mini self contained flat). I used to think this was amazing but now - as a Mum of a dd aged 22- I think my Mum was far too laid back. It meant that any relationships I had quickly became sexual and I had no barriers to bringing anyone back / making the relationship more intense. I think if my Mum had made things more difficult for me I would have avoided some of the relationships I did, not all of them were good for me. When you’re a teenager it’s good to have some boundaries at home, you need to know your parents are looking out for you. It’s okay to not be the cool parent.

It’s one of the reasons (as I posted earlier) that I’ve never allowed dd to have boyfriends over. I want her to view our home as a safe space, away from boyfriends etc and it takes the pressure off completely as she can never be pushed into bringing someone home as she can just say mum says no. End of.

Indeed.

I might also add that while MN wisdom is that all teens are gagging to have sex at 16, and are absolutely having it either at home or elsewhere, not all do.

Some find just managing GCSEs, A levels, competitive university and the pandemic enough to do, and don't want to be bothered with other stuff, least of all sorting contraception, dealing with insistent boyfriends and so on.

Toolatetoasknow · 25/06/2025 10:15

Dd has partner 16 years older than her. He is mid 40s and feels much closer to our age than hers and we are finding it a whole different scenario from previous experiences with kids partners who have been similar age to our own dcs.

nouht · 25/06/2025 10:19

Picklechicken · 25/06/2025 08:09

There’s a bigger issue here that many just overlook. I am one of those whose Mum allowed me to have people over. So from when I was about 17 started to have boyfriends back. (We had a large house, over several floors and my room was at the top of the house, almost like a mini self contained flat). I used to think this was amazing but now - as a Mum of a dd aged 22- I think my Mum was far too laid back. It meant that any relationships I had quickly became sexual and I had no barriers to bringing anyone back / making the relationship more intense. I think if my Mum had made things more difficult for me I would have avoided some of the relationships I did, not all of them were good for me. When you’re a teenager it’s good to have some boundaries at home, you need to know your parents are looking out for you. It’s okay to not be the cool parent.

It’s one of the reasons (as I posted earlier) that I’ve never allowed dd to have boyfriends over. I want her to view our home as a safe space, away from boyfriends etc and it takes the pressure off completely as she can never be pushed into bringing someone home as she can just say mum says no. End of.

My kids went to Uni at a young 18 (as did I) and had to navigate the temptation of having no rules around who shared a bed with them - they managed just fine but who would they blame had their exploits led to a more negative outcome?

Holluschickie · 25/06/2025 10:21

My kids also went to Uni at 18. Though one had to come back in the pandemic.

Jarstastic · 25/06/2025 12:38

I always wonder where people live when they talk about house shares and renting being so unaffordable that young people have to live at home for so long. I live in an expensive part of the south east and a on the SpareRoom website, there are several single rooms with bills included to be had in a nearby town for £500pcm. (Nearby town nowhere near the same level but I don't expect young people to live in the same places - I lived in a ropey part of London when I first left university and moved to London!). That's affordable, even on minimum wage. Friend's 18-year old son earns £1,500pcm after tax, washing dishes in a pub.

Maybe London? I've just looked up random parts of London and for example there's a room by Caledonian Road tube station for £600pcm.

Jarstastic · 25/06/2025 12:39

Picklechicken · 25/06/2025 08:09

There’s a bigger issue here that many just overlook. I am one of those whose Mum allowed me to have people over. So from when I was about 17 started to have boyfriends back. (We had a large house, over several floors and my room was at the top of the house, almost like a mini self contained flat). I used to think this was amazing but now - as a Mum of a dd aged 22- I think my Mum was far too laid back. It meant that any relationships I had quickly became sexual and I had no barriers to bringing anyone back / making the relationship more intense. I think if my Mum had made things more difficult for me I would have avoided some of the relationships I did, not all of them were good for me. When you’re a teenager it’s good to have some boundaries at home, you need to know your parents are looking out for you. It’s okay to not be the cool parent.

It’s one of the reasons (as I posted earlier) that I’ve never allowed dd to have boyfriends over. I want her to view our home as a safe space, away from boyfriends etc and it takes the pressure off completely as she can never be pushed into bringing someone home as she can just say mum says no. End of.

I recognise this upbringing and viewpoint in at least 2 women I know. At the time, I thought they were lucky to have such cool parents and now I look back and don't think the same at all!

YellowGrey · 25/06/2025 13:19

Jarstastic · 25/06/2025 12:38

I always wonder where people live when they talk about house shares and renting being so unaffordable that young people have to live at home for so long. I live in an expensive part of the south east and a on the SpareRoom website, there are several single rooms with bills included to be had in a nearby town for £500pcm. (Nearby town nowhere near the same level but I don't expect young people to live in the same places - I lived in a ropey part of London when I first left university and moved to London!). That's affordable, even on minimum wage. Friend's 18-year old son earns £1,500pcm after tax, washing dishes in a pub.

Maybe London? I've just looked up random parts of London and for example there's a room by Caledonian Road tube station for £600pcm.

I think it's on the assumption that young people also want to save up for the deposit to eventually be able to buy. When I was in my 20s you could do both (pay for a house share and save for a deposit), but now that's often unaffordable. So young people are living at home to save up for a deposit rather than renting long term and never being able to buy.

nouht · 25/06/2025 17:21

YellowGrey · 25/06/2025 13:19

I think it's on the assumption that young people also want to save up for the deposit to eventually be able to buy. When I was in my 20s you could do both (pay for a house share and save for a deposit), but now that's often unaffordable. So young people are living at home to save up for a deposit rather than renting long term and never being able to buy.

Show quote history

Yep - never had to return to my parent’s home and live under their rules, that would not have worked out. But if you want to incentivise your kids to move out early, it’s easy to construct rules to expedite your heart’s desire.

Original poster

SilverDoublet · 25/06/2025 23:20

Jarstastic · 25/06/2025 12:38

I always wonder where people live when they talk about house shares and renting being so unaffordable that young people have to live at home for so long. I live in an expensive part of the south east and a on the SpareRoom website, there are several single rooms with bills included to be had in a nearby town for £500pcm. (Nearby town nowhere near the same level but I don't expect young people to live in the same places - I lived in a ropey part of London when I first left university and moved to London!). That's affordable, even on minimum wage. Friend's 18-year old son earns £1,500pcm after tax, washing dishes in a pub.

Maybe London? I've just looked up random parts of London and for example there's a room by Caledonian Road tube station for £600pcm.

Capital cities are really expensive. And if you already live in a nice enough area of a capital city with your parents, you're not going to want to live in a dodgy area of the same city and pay 600 a month for a house share. Unless your parents are abusive or something.... Hence them living at home. They can save for a deposit for their own house.

OP posts:

Jarstastic · 26/06/2025 00:00

Sure if it’s cushy for young people at home they will often want to stay. At least these days. not many of my cohort did but we didn’t have it as cushy! Nothing to do with ‘abusive’ parents. Unless you call not being able to stay out late/all night, have a sex life etc in their family home abusive.

However, the job as parents is to put out fully-functional adults into the world. flat shares, renting etc are growth experiences. Even if they save a deposit they are not going to afford a house at 25 in the same area or equivalent to what their parents have at 55.

Sometimes parents downsized and helped with deposits, but that still happens now. Most likely more now.

we used to live in a naice part of central London. I’d still have an issue if our children thought they were above living in a house share in the Caledonian Road. We give them lots of opportunities private school extra curriculars lots of emotional practical and financial support, but we won’t tolerate entitlement.

Original poster

SilverDoublet · 26/06/2025 19:29

Jarstastic · 26/06/2025 00:00

Sure if it’s cushy for young people at home they will often want to stay. At least these days. not many of my cohort did but we didn’t have it as cushy! Nothing to do with ‘abusive’ parents. Unless you call not being able to stay out late/all night, have a sex life etc in their family home abusive.

However, the job as parents is to put out fully-functional adults into the world. flat shares, renting etc are growth experiences. Even if they save a deposit they are not going to afford a house at 25 in the same area or equivalent to what their parents have at 55.

Sometimes parents downsized and helped with deposits, but that still happens now. Most likely more now.

we used to live in a naice part of central London. I’d still have an issue if our children thought they were above living in a house share in the Caledonian Road. We give them lots of opportunities private school extra curriculars lots of emotional practical and financial support, but we won’t tolerate entitlement.

Edited

The problem with this is, they spend all their money on rent for a few years, then move back home (often with a partner) to save for a deposit in their late 20s... Happens a lot where we live, which is really rubbish for the parents..

OP posts:

Holluschickie · 26/06/2025 19:32

We are in London and one of mine houseshares. The other will be doing so shortly.
But them I am " abusive".😙

RainyDayCoffee · 26/06/2025 19:40

@Picklechicken
Thanks for sharing your experience as I echo your current thinking.
DD is pushing hard to allow her bf of a few months stay over. While I get she is an adult, she also has a host of mental health issues and is also neuro diverse. She struggles with relationships, school, keeping up with A levels everything.
For this reason, I have said no to the bf staying over. This has meant she goes over to his but there is nothing I can do about it. I will not make it too cushy for her and then him too. She doesn't lift a finger at home and spends all day in pjs watching TV in bed. I don't want another person to do the same.
Yes, I am abusive by MN standards

user1471554720 · 26/06/2025 19:52

NoNameMum

I would also hate someone staying over and hanging round the house in the day, watching tv at night with us. I am a massive introvert. I also work full time. I really look forward to the weekend where I catch up with house chores and relax in the evenings. I would get resentful if I had no time to enjoy the house.

How did you word it to say no to guests? When other parents allow this sleeping over, it puts pressure on everyone to allow it.

My eldest is 16 so this hasn't come up yet. I wouldn't mind if dd was not living at home, was 19 or 20 and bf stayed over as a one off, every few months. I am concerned about a partner being there every weekend, and eventually moving in by stealth.

Holluschickie · 26/06/2025 20:31

user1471554720 · 26/06/2025 19:52

NoNameMum

I would also hate someone staying over and hanging round the house in the day, watching tv at night with us. I am a massive introvert. I also work full time. I really look forward to the weekend where I catch up with house chores and relax in the evenings. I would get resentful if I had no time to enjoy the house.

How did you word it to say no to guests? When other parents allow this sleeping over, it puts pressure on everyone to allow it.

My eldest is 16 so this hasn't come up yet. I wouldn't mind if dd was not living at home, was 19 or 20 and bf stayed over as a one off, every few months. I am concerned about a partner being there every weekend, and eventually moving in by stealth.

I am not No Name Mum but I worded it like this:
No guests!
But Mum; everybody else allows guests.
Sorry, I don't care. Everybody else also charges rent and we don't.