Living with late teens, early 20s children

[SilverDoublet]

My kids are still pre teenagers, just about, but in our area the cost of renting a flat or house share is insane, so we're looking at them living with us til they are mid 20s, I would think. Those of you that have teenagers/ young adults, do you allow them to have gfs/bfs stay over? What age would you allow them to do that? Do you allow it every weekend or on a regular basis? What about casual relationships...

Any insights or opinions welcome!
Thanks.

I think whatever you decide - just be clear and they'll be fine - they'll make decisions around it. I will not tolerate mid-week guests - that's my beef, call it weird or whatever, it doesn't matter, it's my house, my rules, and if you don't want your kids sleeping with their partners in your house, that's fine too. Don't give in to peer pressure, do what suits you.

Like everything, it happens gradually. Don’t worry about problems that haven’t happened yet. I always said, weekends only, proper partners only, definitely no one night stands. It all sounds worse than it is. When they have serious partners, then they aren’t strangers, you get quite fond of them, usually.

My oldest is nearly 18yrs and doesn't have a boyfriend but I'm sure it will come, and when it does I think we will think about partners staying over then. I think in a committed relationship with someone who is respectful in our house and towards her then its totally reasonable for her to want her boyfriend to stay over.

If they are going to be here in there 20s then we all have to make it work.

My mum never let my GFs stay over.

Looking back now, it's clear the reason was my mum was not at all house proud and the place was a mess.

My house will be a sanctuary for my kids. They'll play a part in keeping it that way if they want anyone to stay over. Respect the house you will be treated like an adult.

I made it clear that a proper GF/BF when over 18 and seen for at least 3 months could stay overnight, no casual shenanigans. I didn’t fancy bumping in to a random in the night whilst only in their underwear, this happened to a friend of mine, who was also in just her undies and not delighted at all.

Not at 16 😱😱
Absolutely no way!
For us - it was a committed relationship over 19/20 and we had met him/her for dinner, lunch etc multiple times (we checked them out!) and we trust our children so is has not been a problem.

We treat our children as adults, we expect respect, good manners and help organising dinners etc. We leave them to it, and organise the odd family dinner or bbq.

We don’t host mid week ever, we have professional jobs that require quiet evenings. Everyone is welcome Friday to Sunday.

No one night stands ever! No

i've allowed serious boyfriend/girlfriends to stay over. For 2 of my children that started in sixth form and for another daughter she was about 20 I think. My other 2 children haven't had partners staying over (and one has moved out now so he does whatever he wants in his own flat).

I don't mind it, but like others, it's only serious boyfriends/girlfriends. I'd rather they stayed at mine that at their boyfriend/girlfriend's house all the time Also I do have a younger (teenage) dd so I check with her - she's on a floor all by herself so she has some privacy. If she ever felt uncomfortable I wouldn't allow it - her comfort in her own home is my priority.

Do you have a massive house or how do you make that work? You have 6? children?

Well DH and I are nearly 65 and nearly 64. We have only ever held hands at mother's. We have been married for nearly 34 years.

I am really glad we have a more open and easy going relationship with our grown up children.

Yes 6. Tall and thin house so bedrooms/bathrooms on several floors.

Yes, we allowed DS to have a girlfriend stay when he was 16 - I think close to 17 (she was 17, and had stayed at her previous boyfriend's house). Not on school nights. End of year 12. He has already know her for quite a long time. Relationship lasted throughout year 13 and they split halfway through her first year at uni.

They were very good at keeping up with their own friends and hobbies and were also great making sure they spend approximately equal time at each other's homes.

His second GF stayed over too. She was away at uni (not that far away), and again they were good at splitting time equally between homes, and it was never more than 1-2 nights every 1-2 weeks. That didn't last very long though.

We never really had 'rules' about number of nights etc. as it was never needed.

HOWEVER, with his third girlfriend we really ran into trouble. She was in our house what seemed like all the damn time right from the start. Barely worked, no hobbies/sport/clubs and hated it at home to the extent she wouldn't let DS go in her house (and other issues). He thought it was fine that she was here all the time - even when he was working from home. It caused a lot of trouble and stress trying to calve out rules retrospectively and then maintain them. DH and I absolutely hated someone being in our home that much and DS just didn't get that and took it personally. It made us miserable. We ended up getting him a flat.

My advice would be to imagine 'worse case scenario' with a girlfriend/boyfriend (not just the current one) and have firm and clear rules from the start.

My eldest is 19 and has had GF to stay a couple of times. Not a frequent occurrence as he has a tiny room and single bed! His current GF has her own flat so it doesn’t arise much now.

Depends on your culture.

DS 19. He has a girlfriend.

he’s at uni but home life is that me/him live with my mum in her house. I don’t have a problem with a regular girlfriend but my mum is elderly and her culture it’s not done. It’s her house and although she’d let him she’d be uncomfortable. I support that.

(I lived with my partner for 7 years before marrying. (In my 30’s) and he was called my friend till we were married🤣. Horses for courses.)

So no, not while she’s alive.

16 too young imo but again depends on your family culture.

youll get a feel for what is right for your family when the time comes.

With all this sleeping over, have all of you made sure your teenagers have their own bedrooms, with double beds?
What if they share with a sibling.... What happens then...? Or does no one share with siblings anymore?

DS doesn't have a double bed but he has a three quarter size bed (halfway between single and double).

I don’t know anyone who shares and both dc have had double beds since they were preteens

Unless the room is too small for a double or you are planning on moving house in the next few years then why would you get a 11 or 12 year old a single bed. It isn’t practical long term

But you said you would never allow partners in your house.

I meant I wouldnt allow them to stay over. That's the point of the thread, no, if you read it properly? Not for a meal. Not married DC. Just teens and YA.

But let me make things clear for you. I do not and did not allow the partners of my teen and young adult children to stay the night or for any length of time.

So many questions and comments about the sex lives of teenagers, OP.

I think you need to be clearer

You said you would never allow partners in your house.

Your religion might not want children outside of marriage, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.
Even if they don’t people will be living together or having sex outside of marriage and you as a parent will never know

Oh another question

Weird, prurient

Ok. I am not religious. I am an atheist and so are my DC. DH is mildly spiritual but nothing more. You appear to be convinced I am a religious bigot. I am not.

I am just not keen on teen sex because teens are stupid.

My DD has already had sex. When she was 22 and moved out. She told me about it. Course she could have had it earlier but I dont think so.

My house my rules.

We have four dcs, three early 20s one 19. First never had anyone stay over. Moved out at 21 for work/college, comes home often. Second dd had relationships but didn't ask about anyone staying over till she was 22. Had been with bf for a while so no issues. He ended up moving in for six months while they saved to get a deposit for apartment as they were moving away for work. They both come and stay regularly. Third dc, 22, has a bf but they tend to stay at his because he's in the town and it's easier after nights out, we're rural. Youngest has had bf staying for about six months together over a year. Whoever is here gets fed. All are welcome to cook for themselves. Sometimes we have 8 or 9 here Sometimes just dh and myself. We wouldn't allow ons or a new relationship. I did talk to friends about this and very differing views.