Daughter unlikely to pass her A levels

[FavouritePJs]

my DD has always struggled at school and just managed to scrape 5 GCSE passes to enable her to be accepted into 6th form college. She works really hard, has great attendance, fully engages in lessons, does her homework and currently is doing nothing but revise, however, based on all the previous papers that she has completed
in lessons and her mocks, she’s on course to fail badly. One of her courses is a BTEC which she has passed with distinction but the exam side of things just doesn’t work for her. She’s just sat with me absolutely distraught as all of her friends are smart and she can’t face results day when they will be celebrating, she feels embarrassed and ashamed. We obviously support her unconditionally but how do I help her deal with the way she is feeling? I know as parents we always want to make everything better but I’m struggling with how to do this. Thankfully she decided long ago that uni was not for her at this stage in her life so she isn’t worried about that, but I don’t want her to feel stupid/embarressed/ashamed/failure - her words not mine. Has anyone else been through this with their child?

A Distinction at BTEC and a D/E grade are enough to get her on to the next stage.

@jewelcase That’s a bit over optimistic! Many many employers do ask for quantifications. Maths and English for a start! Low level roles want a blend of attainment and all the other things you list but attainment is required to actually get on the shortlist in the first place! DD here can do that but needs to choose a route in which she can succeed. Sadly it won’t be law right now.

OP you asked for help with dealing with her anxiety around this.
You can't really is the answer! She has to sit with that anxiety. You can sit alongside her and validate her feelings but she has to process it. As mums we always want to remove those feelings. But we can't and actually trying to can make it worse. We rush to reassure.
But reassurance isn't a helpful tactic really as it's just a cycle of needing more and more of it.
Distraction, validation and support with physical things (like food, ensuring she has all she needs, not going to in person for her results, being company etc) are helpful. As is drawing evidence from her own experiences (not those of others). So maybe she was worried about a BTEC course work assigment not going well but she worked hard and it was OK. Or maybe she failed a GSCE and the world didn't end. Etc
Also not getting caught up yourself in being anxious about the outcome (altho you seem pretty accepting any way) and the future.
I find saying things like 'I am sorry this is so hard for you, I can see it is tough. We are here to help in anyway we can. And we know things will work out' and not much more is best. Affection (if allowed), and a TV show or a walk when her anxiety seems really bad for her.

Well done to your daughter for sticking at it, looking for ways to support her future and you sound a fantastic, supportive parent.
There’s many of us out in the real world who were the same as your daughter at that age- it really isn’t about the qualifications for all, but this time is really, really hard. I can remember crying my eyes out, trying to avoid friends on results day- but a couple of them stepped up to help me and my friend’s mum too- so if she has the support of friends and you there too, she’ll be ok in time. Hope she has time over the summer to figure it all out and wishing her- and you- well.

What were her GCSE results? @FavouritePJs - You say she scraped by, but if that is genuinly the case, as in, she got 3's, for example, surely, she wouldn't have been accepted for A Levels.

So your idea of scraping by, is relevent here.

I took A levels at college, did one year and thrn failed the exams.
I then switched to a vocational btec at another college.
From there I did a hnd, which I switched to a degree. And moved universities three times.
I found a job in sales when I left.
I then did that for two years and then learned digital marketing in my spare time. Got an entry job in that.
Then I decided to do law, did a part time access course in that. Passed the first year. Lost interest by the second year.
Went back to digital marketing.
Switched to a tech focussed role.
Now a project manager.
Earn more and have a higher position than most of my friends who took the straight a levels to uni path.
I also have friends sho went down the secretarial route, that are now PAs earning a fortune.
I have friends that did nothing after gsces and have successful businesses in things like floristry or beauty and hairdressing and are earning a lot more than me.

All this to say that career paths are not linnear. She can get a job for a bit and start to decide what areas interest her in business or other things. Study in her spare time, study online or persue passions And interests.
There is nothing at all to stop her having a great life just because she doesnt have a piece of paper saying she has passed her a levels.
Maybe research some people doing interesting work in areas she is passionate about that havent gone the traditional route.
Get some work experience in her passion areas, and leave the study for a few years until she has found something she wants to commit to.
It is easier to learn something when you are actually doing it. There are 100s of careers that have alternative entry points other than a levels.

Not if the college were desperate to fill their course.

I'm sorry to hear that your DD is in this position OP. I know it probably feels like the end of the world right now but she is still very young and there's more than one way to be successful. One of my relatives didn't take any A levels and failed most of his GCSEs. He has a very successful (and lucrative-he's earning far more than I was at his age) career in the building trade. Academic success isn't the be all and end all and other abilities are valuable to society.
Mumsnet can be a bit of a difficult place when it comes to reading about young people's achievements. If you believed half of what you read here you'd think there are only two options in life - 10 9s at GCSE, 4 A stars at A level and a 1st from a Russell Group University leading to a successful career in law or finance, or a life of poverty and abject misery. Of course that is not true. Lots of people with less than stellar achievements at school go on to lead happy, fulfilled and productive lives. Your DD clearly has lots of positive attributes and the fact she's done so well in the BTEC definitely suggests she's got aptitude in that area.
I'd suggest she seeks help from a careers advisor - presumably the college has someone? Try to encourage her to focus on her strengths and interests and think about what she can do not what she can't. It's true that degree apprenticeships with big companies are few and far between and extremely competitive but there are lots of types of apprenticeships and training schemes so don't be put off exploring that avenue.
It may be a difficult time for her, especially if she has friends who get the results they need to move away from home to University, but there's more than one road to Rome. My DH was devastated when he failed his A levels and all his friends left for their dream University courses leaving him at home. That was 40 odd years ago. This morning he is at the United Nations and next week he's doing some work for the European Commission. Exam results at 18 don't have to define the rest of your life.

@FavouritePJs you sound like a lovely mum and a very sensible person.

When are her actual exams? I'd focus on that for now, and not worry about what comes after. While it's obviously sensible to be realistic about the likely outcome - it's not over yet - she hasn't even sat the exams. Personally I disagree with the suggestion to walk away and not sit them - she will 100% fail if she does that, but there is a chance she won't if she sits them, imagine living with the 'what if'!!

In terms of how you can help her right now, I'd focus on small, achievable actions that could make the difference between a U and a pass. Speak to college and ask for more help, up the the tutoring if you can and can afford it. Look at the example/model answers and see what you can take from them.

Put the worrying about what happens after on hold until the exams are done.

Exactly this. You need a 7 at GCSE and above really to be able to move onto A levels.
I am a teacher and see this all the time where schools and colleges don’t have proper entry criteria.

If she enjoyed her BTEC, it sounds like she would enjoy an apprenticeship. These are advertised throughout the year. While she is still at school, she should talk to the careers person there: she should have access to them for the rest of the academic year. She should also identify which of her teachers would be a good reference for any applications, and ask them about this.

My DS went onto an apprenticeship from sixth form. It isn't a degree level apprenticeship (those are very competitive to get on to, much harder than getting into uni). I was slightly concerned that the others on the apprenticeship scheme with him would be 16 year olds, but it turned out that at 18, he was the same age as or slightly younger than the others. He is earning while training, and really enjoying it.

Also have you looked at HNDs? Possibly in the subject she took the BTEC in. These are much more practical than degrees, and are usually offered by FE colleges.

She passed with grades 5 and one grade 4.

Is the issue the exams? Does she understand and engage, does she seem bright and capable but it all goes to pot when in an exam room - the BTEC results suggest this may be the case.

You might want to look at Access to HE diplomas - my DD is doing one now and it has no exams. All done by assignment. Acceptable for university (she has got into a Russell Group uni as she has distinctions) - and there are also universities where they don’t use examinations - it is all assessed via project (group and individual) 3rd year dissertation. A friend’s DD chose history at Kent for this reason (she is dyslexic).

I would reassure your DD that exams are not representative of who we are, or how clever we are and that there are lots of alternative routes in education that don’t require them. It has taken my DD a few years to get over the fact that she ‘failed’ 6th form [didn’t even make it to exams as her anxiety spiralled under the stress of the continual assessment exams they seem to love] but she is now feeling good about herself.

The exam system in this country is so outdated (and I say that as someone who loves them and does/did well in them - but both my kids struggle, so do feel your pain).

Does she know what she wants to do? The Btec might be enough for her next step. Has she researched apprenticeships in her chosen career? I don't think the are rare in general now
Just focus on the positives and praise her for working hard in a area she finds difficult.
Some people are just much better at the practical side of things which the Btec covers.
Good luck

OP, what was her reasoning in choosing subjects she’s never studied before (I am assuming she didn’t do these subjects at GCSE)?

It's clear A levels were wrong for her but that's not entirely your or her fault- the school/college should have said so earlier. My SD is Y10 and at the options she's considering, you need a 7 to take the A level in a subject or related subject.

If her friends are good friends this won't matter to them at all, they'll just want to support her.

That isn’t anyone else’s problem if you can’t see or don’t want to see that the adults responsible for guiding your daughter (that includes you and her teachers) are partly responsible for her current situation. She is a dedicated and hardworking girl but she simply isn’t academic enough to cope with A Levels. They are tough exams. There are other options and pathways out there more suitable to less academic people. So stop being defensive and ask yourself why you allowed this to happen? Was it the kudos?
Not everyone takes the classic A Level and Uni route - simply as they are not clever enough. Yes it sounds bad but it’s a fact. That doesn’t mean those people will fail at life. It means that there are other things they can be good at that they are better suited to.

Yes this is the thing, colleges are businesses now. When I was at 6th form in the 80s, I got the impression it was just an extension of school and not about securing extra money for numbers of pupils.

My experience of 6th forms now is they are almost like universities in terms of “get the bodies and money in”.

So it doesn’t surprise me that OPs daughter has been persuaded by the college to attend despite her academic limitations.

OP if she has enjoyed law, look into jobs in barristers chambers and solicitors offices doing admin, she might enjoy that. Unless there are some apprenticeships. She sounds like a hard working and popular young lady which can go a long way.

Your question was how to help her with really difficult feelings, so depressing to see some of the condescending and unkind responses you’ve had on this thread

some sort of discussion about shame might help. shame can be really healthy if we have done a bad thing, otherwise it’s toxic shame/inner critic stuff we can afford to label as such and this can help lessen its power. It is an excruciatingly difficult feeling to bear either way and people will go to great lengths to avoid it.
you can give her the message that it will pass, she can cope with it and in truth she not done anything wrong, it’s just that tha situation was not playing to her strengths.

And the second thing that occurs to me is that certainly at GCSE level, our education system is set up to fail a certain amount of kids. That is truly shameful, it’s baked in that a certain percentage have to fail. I don’t know if this applies to a-levels but watching my 16yo and his friends navigate through GCSEs now- the way we educate our young people is extremely damaging for a lot of them in many ways, considering this / reading about it etc might offer some protection for her mentally

Your daughter sounds like a brave, tenacious, hard working young woman, I can imagine you are very proud of her.

If you want some real life experience to share with her, I'm proof that education doesn't have to follow the linear path we expect of kids, GCSE's, A Levels, University etc. I started A Levels at 6th form college, but never took the exams, I knew I was going to fail them, and I didn't want to put myself through it. I left school at 18, just around exam season, and was lucky enough to eventually find an entry level job, where I could work my way up through the ranks. I do appreciate that these are much much harder to come by these days. What got me thorugh the door was my retail experience, and ability to deal with the general public, similar to your daughter.

Anyway, I went back to education when I was a bit older, in my 20's I did evening classes, and when I did do A Levels, I got a B, C and D. Much better than I might have done at 18. I recently came away with a degree from the Open University. I have a decent job, and am happily living my life. I don't think anyone has asked me for my A Level results in about 20 years.

There's no rule that says you have to do things in one prescribed way. She clearly has the tenacity and drive to get things done, so I would keep encouraging her, bolstering her confidence, and telling her how proud you are of her for giving it her best, and then make a pragmatic plan for what to do when she's finished sitting the exams, and for when the results come in. If she does better than expected, then fine, you can adjust, sameif she does worse. But you will have a plan and she will know what to expect and what to look forward to next.

And the very best of luck to her, I hope it goes as well as it possibly can for her.

I know it isn't helpful but I agree she might have been better not attempting A levels.

OK negativity out of the way. She is not going to uni so the actual grades do not really matter FOR HER. She is not her friends and she needs to stop comparing herself to them. I know easier said than done.

She has spent the best part of two years studying, you said she has good attendance and engages in her lessons, those are great skills to take in to the work place.

She also has a part time job so she has a reference ready for when it is time to move on.

She needs to be kind to herself, no one ever lay on their deathbed saying, "I wish I had less education".

If she wants to go to uni later it is still an option, I didn't go until I was 32.

Has she been taught any 'exam technique'? That can make a huge difference, particularly if you are nervous about them.

Way back in the days of O Levels (yes I am that old) we were told to hope for a hard paper, because then some people will panic and waste time having that panic.

Depending on the subject she should read the entire paper and make a few notes as she goes through it and then start to answer.

She already has 5 GCSEs, no employer asks for more GCSEs than 5, A levels are an attempt to take that study to a higher level, and even if she gets two E grades she has improved on her existing qualifications.

@FavouritePJsArkund here a 5 would not be good enough for A levels. Just see what else she can do in a positive light.

@sashh I’m that old too!

Her GCSEs are grade 5. Nothing above it appears. So it’s surely now a case of vocational study based on her strengths.

I too worked my way up but with 37% going to university that’s much much tougher now. So focus should be on apprenticeship or getting a job with her current employer who knows her. I do think law is a non starter.

Although it won't necessarily feel like it now, it's not a big deal, and there's still plenty of options available. I did very well in my GCSEs, but screwed up my A-levels quite badly - I lacked direction and seriously underestimated how hard they'd be.

Results day wasn't great, but from that point onwards, it never affected me negatively at all. I did a year's volunteering, then worked full time for three years, going to uni at 22. By then I was classed as a mature student. I did a subject I was really into, got a 2:1 pretty comfortably, and then joined a brilliant grad scheme in my chosen industry afterwards.

My crappy A-levels were a big deal for about two minutes.

What was her original plan post college?