Daughter hiding her period

[Lastandfirst]

My daughter is 12 and at Christmas I found out she had stared her period when I found stained knickers hidden in her bedroom.

I’ve explained about period and sex all from a young age. It shouldn’t have been a shock. She has a draw in her bedroom with towels and knickers and knows what it’s all for. I’ve chatted about it on and off.

I sat her down and said that she didn’t need to hide it and reminded her about the draw and what to do. She was so embarrassed and wouldn’t make eye contact and tried to leave the room. I think emotionally she’s immature?

Moving on I’ve found the period knickers stained and hidden. She just denies having a period. Won’t discuss it and shuts down.

Im at a loss as to what to do to do next.

Any ideas?

She seems painfully embarrassed, which isn’t anything you’ve done. Could you maybe give her a little wet bag or laundry basket for her period pants? Then she can just put them in there and they will disappear and reappear clean?!

My daughter is a bit shy about hers, too. I just make sure she has everything she needs and top it up when necessary.

Painfully embarrassed describes it well.

@Zippidydoodah does your daughter tell you she’s on her period?

She has a laundry basket in her room that I said to just put them in with the rest of her washing but I’ve just realised that her dad is the main collector of washing and maybe that’s why. I’ll maybe suggest a wee laundry bag just for period stuff.

Have you tried a book about girls and changing bodies. There are some really good ones nowadays, look on Amazon. It might help.
And remind her you and all women in your family have/had periods so she can relate to real people at the stage they were where she is now.

Also I'm guessing she might need help with bra buying unless it happened already.

Mine told me she’d started her periods about three days after the event, via text message! She’s only once told me when she had it (as we were planning on going swimming). Other than that, I just notice she’s got it because the sanitary products start disappearing. She doesn’t like the idea of period pants (unfortunately) so that isn’t an issue, but yes, dad picking up her laundry probably does make it harder for her.

it doesn’t matter how much you try and make a teen not feel embarrassed about stuff, they’re just going to feel that way anyway. She’ll grow out of it! I think the best thing is just to silently acknowledge it by giving her what she needs and not drawing any attention to it otherwise.

FYI my daughter got hers at 13 and is now 15.

Could be a fear of ‘growing up’ maybe? I would reassure her that it doesn’t inherently change anything - everything can stay just as it is.

Oh and I found stained knickers she’d hidden in her room and I just washed them for her. It’s hard being a teenager!

Thanks so much for all the advice.

I’m not bothered by the stained knickers I just want her to use the right products. From
the amount of knickers I’ve found it’s clear the majority of the time she’s not using anything.

Is there a covered bin available to her where she can dispose of the pads?

A private laundry basket where she can place stained underwear? Or somewhere she can dry underwear privately if she rinses it out herself?

I was a bit like this when I first started my period, but my reason was that my mum always seemed embarrassed talking about it. I knew where sanitary towels were but they were hidden away and I felt like I couldn't go and get them.

Maybe try and get her on a car journey when she seems relaxed but equally can't run away. Or you could try leaving her a friendly note, along the lines of "I know you don't like to talk about this, but just so you know..." with some new period products and maybe some chocolate or a hot water bottle or similar.

Is she worried that others will notice a pad under her clothing? I.e. is she required to wear shorts for PE class, or does she wear trousers in school?

No real advice but my sister was like this, my mum only found out she had started her period because she was throwing away her knickers and ran out! Whereas I immediately told my mum. We had the same upbringing, and very different personality types. I don't think you've should feel like you've done anything wrong here!
She might have not said anything, no matter how you approached it

@mathanxiety
yes all available but might give her a bin that she can use for her period, that only I deal with.

If you haven't already used a book to explain periods and how to deal with them, I highly recommend The Care and Keeping of You, published by American Girl Press and available on Amaxon. It's very upbeat and positive.

2 things

1. you say shes not using anything. Is there a chance her periods are in fact really heavy and shes not got adequate protection? At this age you don't know what normal is or that theres different types of pads.

2. Pads can be uncomfortable to some. Have you considered buying per reusuable period pants? Loads of brands around she may prefer this to pads. Just put a seperate washing bin in her room for them.

DD was only 10 when she started, and she told me straight away. She's always had period pants, and started doing her own laundry a few weeks later so it was all under her control. She used to text me when she got her period - nothing I ever asked for - but doesn't anymore. I feel a bit sad than she doesn't need me anymore.

My DD started at 13. In the PE changing rooms at school. Like in the old film Carrie. I don't think anyone threw tampons etc at DD though 🙈

She started with pads. Made for teenagers. Eventually used tampons, the smallest ones.

I made sure she was always stocked up. Have darker bath towels specially for period time. Have a specific bucket she knows to put stained undies in our pantry area and fill with cold water. Paracetamol for period pain and a hot water bottle. It's all preparation I think.

Period pants have been a game changer for my DD.
I used to hide my blood stained underwear from my mother and boil wash it when she was out. I think I was scared at being told off about it.

My DD has a small lidded ‘tub’ (not sure how else to describe it) in the bathroom. She brings it to the washing machine when it’s got stuff in it, but occasionally I have to go check it. Could you do something similar for her. Her Dad doesn’t know it exists I imagine.

I don’t have a teenager so can’t help with the emotional side of things sorry! But I’ve come on to say that period pants are bloody amazing (pardon the pun). I would just give her those / replace existing. I practically live in them after the coil (a moan for another day). Maybe there’s some sensory issue with the pads / scared she can’t go to the loo in school as they need a pass. Maybe worried about bringing supplies in her bag in case someone sees. Maybe she doesn’t know her body yet and can’t predict when she’ll come on and then leaks.

@Lastandfirst bless you I would find this hard too, as you have clearly done everything you can.
on top of others advice I would say if you can afford it buy her 6 or 7 pairs of really good period pants as close as possible to her normal style. My teen DD has Modibodi, Wuka are also really good.
Cheaper ones in my experience are not as reliable.
Then leave her the bin and let her know what it’s for.
Keep a rough eye on the dates so you know when to check the bin- wash and return to the drawer.
That way you won’t need to worry about leaks / stains etc and she doesn’t need to say anything.
Also if you are menstruating maybe you can mention it somehow to normalise it - or would that make everyone feel more awkward ?
When my DD starts her period at school she sends me the drop of blood emoji - maybe you can say she could try that if she doesn’t want to talk!!
good luck I do think this is quite common. Growing up can be hard- especially if friends aren’t at the same stage .

I would also recommend period pants if your daughter doesn't have them; a separate period laundry bin sounds like a good idea too.

Aw I was JUST like this when I was her age and I promise you I grew up OK. A bit overanxious maybe, and hard on myself but I don't think I'm unusual in that.

I honestly don't really know what the cause was, I was just so so mortified thinking that my mum knew. I was perhaps a bit ashamed of my body and quite uncomfortable in it (I was a bit overweight, nothing terrible but definitely something I noticed around my slimmer friends).

I also feared growing up. I don't know why, but I definitely felt like I wanted to put my head in the sand if anyone wanted to talk about it.

I grew out of it and got on with it. My mum did keep trying to engage me 'casually' in conversation like we were pals and honestly it was excruciating so if your daughter is anything like me I'd try and say as little as possible.

The trouble with having the towels in the bathroom is I was acutely aware that my mum would notice that they were being used and 'know'. I forced myself to buy a pack of my own - red-faced and panicky - and kept them in my bedroom so I could use them without anyone knowing about it. Perhaps you can let her have them in her bedroom so she's in control?

Honestly I don't have many helpful suggestions, just wanted to let you know about what I felt - perhaps none of that relates to her at all but maybe it does - and she's not alone.

I was like this. I didn't tell anyone that I had started my period, for me it is a very private thing and not something that needs to be announced to anyone.

If I had any stained underwear it would get hidden in my bedroom until I had enough time alone in the house to do a load of washing. I would have been mortified to have someone handling my stained knickers.

I never asked my mother for period products, I just got on with buying my own and keeping them in my room.

I didn't need to be forced in to talking about it or confronted about it. I just needed a bit more pocket money each month to cover the cost of tampons and to be left at home alone long enough to get a load of washing done once in a while.

I don't think you should try and talk to her about it again, just make sure she has enough money to get her own products and make sure she knows how to use the washing machine and has opportunity to use it discreetly.

Her periods might be irregular or she might not be good at remembering to take sanpro to school when she's due on. That would explain why she is staining her knickers so much. She'll be mortified because she'll think she's the only girl who has ever been caught out.

She may also be frightened to take sanpro to school in case the other kids see it in her bag.

A neat way around both these problems is to carry an opaque pencil case containing clean knickers and a couple of pads in her schoolbag at all times.