Daughter hiding her period

[Lastandfirst]

My daughter is 12 and at Christmas I found out she had stared her period when I found stained knickers hidden in her bedroom.

I’ve explained about period and sex all from a young age. It shouldn’t have been a shock. She has a draw in her bedroom with towels and knickers and knows what it’s all for. I’ve chatted about it on and off.

I sat her down and said that she didn’t need to hide it and reminded her about the draw and what to do. She was so embarrassed and wouldn’t make eye contact and tried to leave the room. I think emotionally she’s immature?

Moving on I’ve found the period knickers stained and hidden. She just denies having a period. Won’t discuss it and shuts down.

Im at a loss as to what to do to do next.

Any ideas?

Lilets rarely leak

I can assure you they do. Not everyone has the same flow and on my worst days even a super tampon wouldn’t last more than 30 minutes.

Can you show her how to use the washing machine / what products to use if she wishes to wash them herself, I would not want my father washing them

If properly inserted tampons rarely hurt and toxic shock syndrome is rare too. I'm genuinely baffled by how anti people are on here about tampons, a bit of practice and most people are fine.

Lidded bin in the en-suite and make sure there’s sanitary towels in the bathroom so she hasn’t got to remember to take one to the bathroom. I only had girls so easier perhaps but I filled the bathroom drawer with a variety of products (pants unfortunately hadn’t become a thing) and restocked without them having to ask. My tampons were in the drawer always so never hidden.

Does she have a cousin a bit older or you a sister closer to her age? Sometimes it’s easier for an older teen to talk to this age than grown adults.

@selffellatingouroborosofhate

tampons don’t hurt and I’ve never heard of a real life case of toxicity. My dd2 used tampons from the start with no issues at all, she was older when she started though

My daughter is 0% ready to even consider tampons - she's young for her age and is really small so the whole mechanism of it is just beyond her. It would solve a lot of issues if she'd just try though (she's a dancer and it's a total headache). Hoping that her friends encourage her but so far she's the only one to have started and she won't hear it from me!

I was a bit like this. Started at 13 in a PE class, did tell my mum but she was of the sanitary belt and pads era and I was horrified. Bought my own tampons and dealt with it privately for quite a while.

They hurt me all the time, even as an adult. The non-applicator type hurt going in and coming out, the applicator type hurt coming out.

Oh bless her. Growing up is scary and even though we've fought so hard for periods not to be embarrassing, there's still a stigma around them and when you're a teenager, its even worse.

I'd be tempted (my daughters only 5, so hopefully a while to go for us!) To write her a little note, maybe left on her bed with a bar of her favourite choc, just telling her that there is a bucket or a container in xxx place to put anything stained in, rbat no one else but you or her need to know about it, and she doesn't have to say anything, you'll just get the bucket and discreetly wash them (or she can, if she'd rather), a lidded bin and that you're there if she wants to chat about it, but if she doesn't that's fine.

Could she have her own amazon account or something (not sure how wise that is with a teenager!) so she can order her own sanitary stuff if she wants to? Or just add it to the basket so you can just hit pay? If you're having periods maybe if you're out and about together you could just pop a pack of period pants into your basket for you, and ask her brrezily if she wants a pack? If she says no, don't mention it again, if she says yes, just get them and give them to her, again, making no big deal of it.

I wouldn't make a big deal of it because she will more than likely come out of her shell about it as she gets older and more used to them.

Just when we think we are out of one tricky phrase with kids, we jump straight unto the next one and it's a bit of trial and error isn't it?

For 99% of people, they don't hurt at all, and the risk of TSS is incredibly, incredibly tiny.

Tampon use isn't rare in the UK anyway. I think most women I know use them. I don't think any of my friends use pads or period knickers.

That's unlucky for you. But most people are fine with them, which is why they're very popular.

Honestly, @SuperGinger , I think tampons are one those issues where Mumsnet users are out of step with the general female population of the UK. I don't think I've ever heard any women of my acquaintance express anti-tampon views in real life, ever!

Maybe too the drawer up with different pads? I wash bag to put it in and a nice pencil case/ make up type bag for her to take stuff out with her in.

tell her you’ve put some other stuff in her drawer to try and see what happens next.

Its such a shame she’s struggling but you sound like you’re supporting her and not making a big deal so hopefully she’ll come around.

Maybe if you'd been coerced into wearing them from the age of nine to attend swimming classes, after being sexually assaulted aged eight, you'd see my perspective. Twelve is very young to be inserting foreign objects into one's body and one bad experience can trigger a vaginismus response to tampon insertion that lasts for years. Pads, by contrast, don't invade the body at all.

She's not saying she doesn't see your perspective, but for most people, tampons don't hurt. I was using them from the age of 12 with no issues (and then moved onto a cup about 12 years ago).

WUKA teen period pants.
or, bin in her room with black bin bag, not a see through one, swing lid closing. She can tie it up herself and put it in the outside bin. Get her black underwear so any stains don’t show. Leave a book in her room with the products and don’t discuss unless she brings it up. Would be my take on it

Can she secure her door from brothers coming in? Would be the only other thing I’ve thought of

I have a really good recommendation for this that helped me so much with my daughter when she first started her period.

She was SO embarrassed with everything I said, wouldn't ask me for pads, and it was pretty stressful to try and work out if she was on her period and how to handle it.

Now, she's a lot more open and feels like it's less of a taboo, which is really good and it's largely because of this app - it's called luna (https://weareluna.app/?utm_campaign=mumsnet_share&utm_id=_1) and it's designed for teens, all about health & wellbeing, and basically there's everything a preteen needs to know when she's first started her period, in a really non-judgemental and relatable (non embarrassing!!) way, but it's still created by experts (doctors etc.) that I trust

There's stuff about which period product is right for you, how to deal with leaks, period pain, speaking to parents about periods (SO helpful for me) - literally everything really. I was surprised something like this existed, but it's genuinely been a life saver for us as a family.

So glad to see another "luna" parent here – my daughter uses it too and just seems so much happier and confident. The advice has worked like a charm!

Period pants have been a life saver in my house and I think a lot more people are using them these days. I do think the tampon divids the room, we've spoken to her doctor and tampons are safe, it's more if they want to use them and are comfortable.

I think options are always the way forward, explaining the pros and cons of each and understanding when, what, why etc. Open conversations so important, so much of this I wasn't taught when I was young girl from my mum and I wish I was .

it is probably all a bit much for her to cope with; so many body changes to cope with
yes give her another bag for her period pants so dad does not have to know
get a good book she can refer back to perhaps

dd 14 LOVES luna... she always talks about keeping her streak on the tracker and her fave is the anonymous asking portion which I also thought was so clever. definitely recommend this to other worried parents as well with teen daughters x

Tampons are agonising for me. Never really discovered why. I now take the pill to stop periods.

Different teens feel different things, my eldest started just after 10 and felt anxious for the first few very irregular cycles, my youngest hasn't started yet at 12 and is in a rush to start always comparing herself to friends and her sister (which is madness!!).

We tried a puberty book with my now eldest so she had something she could go to for things she felt embarassed about, but it "gave her the ick". Thankful for the luna app someone else mentioned it too, they both use it now and it helps them feel normal reading what other teens are going through and I'm comforted that it's only experts and doctors replying no influencers trying to push products or other teens trying to be innacurately helpful

It is so strange how people react
Dd 2 was excited when she started her period and actually phoned me during her lunch break at school . She was 11 at the time
She even told my husband ,her younger brother , aunty and my mum
I had prepared her for this by providing her with a vanity bag containing pads, painkillers and a change of underwear .
Dd1 was much shyer about her periods , but still told me when she started