Daughter hiding her period

[Lastandfirst]

My daughter is 12 and at Christmas I found out she had stared her period when I found stained knickers hidden in her bedroom.

I’ve explained about period and sex all from a young age. It shouldn’t have been a shock. She has a draw in her bedroom with towels and knickers and knows what it’s all for. I’ve chatted about it on and off.

I sat her down and said that she didn’t need to hide it and reminded her about the draw and what to do. She was so embarrassed and wouldn’t make eye contact and tried to leave the room. I think emotionally she’s immature?

Moving on I’ve found the period knickers stained and hidden. She just denies having a period. Won’t discuss it and shuts down.

Im at a loss as to what to do to do next.

Any ideas?

I was like this too. My mum was lovely and open, I had a brilliant big sister, and there was never any embarrassment around this kind of thing at our house. But for some reason, I just complete'y denied I was on my period. I remember Mum finding heavily stained sheets and me denying it was my period, and saying I must have had a nosebleed. I wouldn't use any period products, and used bunched up tissues, although I worried all the time about leakage.

I'm not sure why I was like this, but it may have to do with unconsciously not wanting to grow up. I grew out of it quite quickly I think, but I'm sure my mum must have worried about me.

i got my first period at 14 and never told my mum, I was horrified and super embarassed. Knowing my mum she was probably make fun of me or call all my family to tell them something that was very very personal. I also hid my stained panties. A year later my aunt found out and told my mum, by that time I had become more comfortable with the idea of having periods, it was nothing to be ashamed, everybody had them, big friggin deal, so when my mum found out i said "yeah" and gave no explanations. Teenage girls are weird.

Teenage girls are weird.

No, they are just experiencing profound changes to their bodies whilst they are still children.

Leave her be. She wants privacy. Excellent ideas about period pants. Give her those. Tell her to wash them in the bathroom sink, then leave them to dry on the radiator. That's what dd does. Should be a 2 second conversation.

I have never discussed my periods with anyone. Even at the age of 50 and discussing hrt with the doctor, i found it mortifying. Different people, different brains.

Oh bless her, can you put everything entirely under her control?
Show her how to use the washing machine, show her how to bag things up and put them in the outside bin etc.

i think special tubs and bins probably draws more attention than solving problems. I’m sure she’ll grow out of it, but anything to make things a bit easier for now…

I would also recommend period pants - especially black ones, & some packs of dark coloured knickers, then if she has leaks it’s not as obvious when they’re in the washing basket. She can use period pants roughly around the time she’s due & then she’s covered in case it starts unexpectedly. Supply of pads and a lidded bin in her room.

In hindsight both my parents were really good about it all but I was just mortified about anything to do with my period when I was 12/13. It got better.

1 thing my SIL is doing that I will absolutely think of adopting when my kids are old enough is teaching them to change their bed in the later years of primary. It’s their “chore.” They strip their beds once a week and put the sheets etc in the machine, she sorts the wash and remakes the bed. It means for teens if they are embarrassed about any bodily fluids they don’t have to worry about mum / dad stripping their bed, and she’s not had to have any awkward conversations about it. OP could do this with washing - now you’re 13 it would help me if you bring your washing basket down on a Friday & put everything in machine, I’ll hang it up /iron and put back on your bed to tidy away.

Bless her. I think writing a note may be less nerve wracking than a physical conversation. I'd put some things in place like a separate bin and maybe a few pastes of period pants, and write a note explaining .

I feel for her - was very similar at that age. Tbh still find stuff like that uncomfortable but have learnt to deal with it. To add another perspective - I think for me it didn't help that my periods were irregular, unpredictable and could last a long time. Made things like PE, swimming, holidays extra stressful. As an adult I was diagnosed with PCOS which explains things but at the time, knew nothing about that and just thought I was weird and had an abnormal body as everything is taught in terms of the average. Also hated the idea of growing up, becoming a 'woman' (cringe!) or that parents knowing might lead to uncomfortable comments or different treatment (even if just in a nice, understanding way). I agree with comments above about letting her know nothing else changes, and giving her control (maybe give her the option of having extra pocket money to buy stuff if she wants but also leaving her stuff in her room, or make sure there's enough of a stock that it's not noticeable if a pack disappears). Period pants also great idea - I hated pads and took a while to get comfortable with tampons so like someone else, I used toilet paper which was horrible! But also, let her know that periods can be different for everyone so may not be exactly like she's been taught, or her friends' experiences.

Have you tried communicating with her by text message? It might sound odd but my DS is dreadful at face to face communication (he’s going to be assessed for autism and ADHD) but I can have much more detailed conversations with him by text. He really engages me in a way he just can’t do verbally. I, not saying your daughter is ND but it might help overcome some of the embarrassment factor if she doesn’t have to face you?

Are there boys living in the house (brothers, dad/stepdad etc) and she is worried about them finding out? As surely at 12 a lot of her friends will be starting too. I remember at that age it was like currency - who had and who hadn't. She must know what they are and that they are a normal part of life.

I agree with the suggestions around period underwear, making sure she has products available, a bin she can use etc.

I never told my mum my periods started. There were products in the bathroom anyway (my younger sister started hers before me so the family bathroom was stocked) and I just didn’t feel like it was worth mentioning because I didn’t need any help.

My DD is 12 and also started in November I only found out two months later, she's an intensely private person. We had discussed everything before, I got her pads and period pants as she said she would use those. Anyway because she is very private and didn't want anyone at school to know either she decided to switch to tampons which she apparently likes, we don't talk about it ever. I just buy more tampons each month now and put them in the drawer and to seems to work.

Period pants were apparently hot and the gusset was thick.

This is a great idea. If everything's in her control then the pressure's off and no one need ever know.

Thank you all for the advice.

To answer a few questions. She has practically every period product on offer to her in a draw in her bedroom, she’s actively choosing not to use them. The underwear I’ve found is 6/7 pairs this week, it’s not from leaking. I think she is using bunched up toilet roll.

She has three older brothers 14, 16, 18. Poor kid has been surrounded by boys.

She mainly uses our en suite bathroom (the boys use the main bathroom) that has a bin, all bathrooms do and is where I told her to put sanitary towels if she wanted to use them. So she’s very lucky we have options.

But I’m beginning to think that the embarrassment lies with how to dispose of sanitary products. So if she wants to hide them then I’ll give her a place to hide them.

Im going to talk to her, find something she will agree to put period pants in and try to get it across to her that there is so much available to her for her period and I’ll help her.

But thank you all so much. It’s been so helpful to gather my thoughts. I guess sometimes it doesn’t matter how well we think prepare them.

maybe she’s overwhelmed by choice?

She doesn’t want to make the wrong choice.

Maybe someone was teased at school for something and she doesn’t want to get it wrong.

Im sure her father and brothers know all about periods and maybe a bit of free conversation may help her realize that she’s not alone?

It's horrible at times being a teenage girl. I would just give her strategies so she can deal with it herself as much as possible. For example, rinsing stained pants in cold water as soon as possible - it'll come out easier. And don't use hot water. Keep it matter of fact. I think there's a natural desire in girls to keep all this stuff private, which is fine if they know what to do.

I know when I was a teenager I definitely wouldn't want to put my period underwear in the laundry basket if there was any chance at all that my dad would see it. It might not be just that but I think that could be part of it.

Black underwear is a good call. Black period pants might be the very best option.

I'd also suggest black sheets for her bed.

I see there is so much love for period pants, I just don't get it, yes they are more environmentally friendly, "easier" but even the good ones (I bought modi body and wuka) require complicated washing, get bloody and are hot and a bit more bulky, relative to tampons they are still a bind.

In the UK I'm surprised that people don't go for tampons first, I grew up in country where we did a lot of swimming and tampons were normal from the get go. You get used to them really fast. My DD got the hang of them quickly and once correctly inserted you cannot feel them. Lilets rarely leak.

Tampons hurt and come with a toxic shock syndrome risk.

I'm 32 I'm still irregular with my periods so I often have to bin stained knickers because I never know when it's going to happen. So it might not be she's refusing to use anything.
Definitely another vote for period pants they are life changing.

Could you also just ask her how she would feel most comfortable discussing them? Via text or another method she prefers whilst she gets used to the whole thing. I found them very embarrassing at that age and all the women around me felt so patronising about them lots of are you on your "little" period🤢 the irony that it's never been "little" in my life 😂

I did this as a child too :( I just found the whole thing horrifying

my daughter started at 11 and it’s been a wild ride. She finds the pants super useful and sometimes sends me the red triangle emoji as she can’t just say the words. I did just leave things in her room for her without the need to talk. Could you maybe leave her a wee parcel on her bed with a note? I could never ever have talked about it. With anyone!

But they can be weird, and delightfully so.

Mine never told me because “there was nothing to tell, we talked about it, we bought all the stuff, it’s no big deal”

I told her I needed to know because I’d had issues with mine so knowing how it was all going for her meant I could let her know what was normal and what needed to be dealt with. We talk about it a lot, openly now.