Very worried about 18yr old ds online Asian relationship

[Mollymoo24]

For the past 2 years my ds, 18 has been having a very intense online relationship with a girl from Vietnam.

For his GCSE's I bought him an online educational program to help him with his revision. It had it's own discord and that's how they met.

The relationship is very intense with multiple phone calls, messages each week. My understanding is that she can be quite manipulative and hasn't got any friends.

Her mother encourages their relationship and is also in contact my son.

I've tried to be neutral and hoped that it might burn itself out. However I've been told that her mother is planning to pay for plane ticket for my ds to go over there in the summer and he is planning to steal his passport and go.

I'm absolutely worried sick and would appreciate some thoughts and advice on how to handle this.

No, but you will be questioned on why you didn’t report the passport as lost or missing; as someone could’ve been falsely using his identity. It’s up to you what you want to do, I’ve explained the law. You cannot keep someone’s personal identity from them, regardless on if you birthed them or not. That’s just the plain truth, you can keep getting upset but it won’t change anything. The likelihood scenario of you lying to your child, is he’ll just pay the £80 for a new one, and probably dislike you 🤷🏻‍♀️ but he does have every right to go to the police and tell them your withholding his passport

Its not my passport as you keep pointing out so why would I be questioned about not reporting it lost?
Also, you do realise that this is purely hypothetical as Ds is 16 and as far as I am aware not actually caught up in a romance scam originating in Vietnam?

He is 18 so it wouldn’t be “stealing” his passport, and it’s slightly concerning that you’re seeing it that way, he has a right to his own passport as an adult (I would absolutely not make the passport “lost” if you value your relationship with him or the law either).

However I do appreciate you’ve said he has ASD and is potentially therefore a bit vulnerable/less mature than the average 18 year old and I understand your concerns about this possibly being a scam. Having said that, it is possible this is genuine and the fact that they met on an educational platform plus he has seen her and her mother on video calls etc, plus the mother is paying for his flight I would say would go some way towards reassuring me this could in fact be genuine rather than a scam. Doesn’t take away the worries about her being moody/manipulative/friendless personality wise but that’s a different class of concern I think.

If you’re really worried OP, genuinely in this situation if I were in your shoes I would allow them to fund his flight but also strongly suggest to your son that you travel with him to help him feel out the situation and be there in case of difficulties etc. Sometimes people have to make their own mistakes and it’s just possible that this is genuine and could be a good thing all round and not in fact a mistake. Totally possible also that in person they have nothing in common and it all fizzles out etc. It will be much easier for both him and you to feel it out in person and on their turf.

Grooming him to marry their daughter to get British passport. Ask to speak to her mum and get yourself fully involved in this relationship. If he goes there , you’ll lose the control of situation.

If she’s so wealthy why can’t her and her daughter fly over here? I would be insisting on sitting in on their next chat and suggesting that. My guess would also be she’s looking for a British passport, bit naive though. Doesn’t mean she would actually get one. One of my kids friends has a British dad and Asian mum in a country near to Vietnam, she’s never been allowed to live over here. The girl lives here with her dad and only gets to speak to her mum via FaceTime.

Oh ok am seeing others are saying the mother paying for the flight can in itself be a red flag for this sort of scam, I was thinking it means they’re less likely to be scammers if putting their own money into this relationship! I would have a serious chat with your son about your concerns this could be a scam and maybe suggest he invites her here instead, but if he insists on going I’d definitely go with him!

Lady of course this is all hypothetical, I don’t even know you. I don’t even know if you do have kids 😂 we are literally just talking. And you’re supposed to keep the passport safe until your child becomes an adult, if you lost it whilst it’s in your care it’s your responsibility to report it as lost or stolen. Read a damn book or something, this is basic knowledge. As soon as a minor becomes an adult, you need to give him his documents. Withholding them or destroying them is a crime. That it’s the pure fact. We can argue about it till your blue in the face, it literally won’t change anything.

Well you are right about one thing

In real life how many 18 year olds still living at home keep important documents like passports separate from other important family documents?

He's an adult,you can't take his passport from him.

I think this thread is being derailed by posters focusing on the passport.

It is pretty clear that the OP's DS is vulnerable and being preyed on by some manipulative scammers.

Understandably, the OP wants to protect her son, and if withholding his passport is the answer then in her shoes I would probably do the same.

I actually know someone who was in the same situation. Those "educational" or "language learning" programs are a thinly veiled front for dating platforms. This friend met his wife over a language learning site. He was mid-20s at the time, high functioning autism/aspergers and flew to Asia to meet her. This may not be what you want to hear but they had a whirlwind two week vacation and were engaged by the end of it. This was followed by a lot of red tape to get her visa sorted out in what was understandably a dodgy looking situation. But at the time, they were genuinely in love and managed to get it done.

She moved to his home country which is where I also met her. However the entire thing was definitely not a scam. She is a genuinely smart and lovely person who decided to give up her life for the promise of adventure. Unfortunately the relationship broke down because she realised his ambition and career wasn't want she imagined. Due to his ASD, he had a very sedentary life and didn't really have the money or interests to socialise, go to parties, go to bars, meet new people, travel etc. He just wanted one companion at home to cook and clean and spend time together which wasn't what she envisioned.

Long story short, she stayed in the country, learned the language, met a new partner and built a successful career within a short space of time. I'm still friends with both of them and his life hasn't change much (same job, same interests, same routine). They're on friendly terms though and both seem to be happy.

If he's 18 why does he need to steal his own passport? It belongs to him and he can use it as he wishes. You don't have to be supportive but he's an adult.

Exactly! I kept all the family passports together. And then gave all the documents when they were off to uni.

DD is back at uni for post grad, but when she was home for a few months I kept her passport with ours in the safe.

Yes it’s normal. I didn’t take mine until I needed it at 22!

Exactly. All our important documents are kept together in a file, even uni DDs passport who doesn’t want it getting lost or stolen in her uni house.

@RampantIvy

Ultimately the police could and would give him his passport though, as it belongs to him.

Hiding his passport is not the answer here.

I'm not saying it is. I was querying how many 18 year olds still living at home keep their passport separate from other important family documents.

DD is a student and keeps her passport in her student accommodation, but when she was home it was kept in the safe with our passports (with her full consent)

On the back of this thread I just asked DD if she wants to take her passports back to Uni with her when she goes on Monday
She said "eh? no, why?"

The Police would have to find it to give it to him

It could be a proper scam or it could be more that they have designs on marriage as white men can be seen as a prize in some Asian countries due to wealth disparities.

Then in that situation he could just you know, buy a new passport? They’re £80, think it’s actually cheaper if you’re just ordering a replacement. Hiding the passport is not the answer, maybe a temporary half parenting solution. If he wants to go, he will find a way.