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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Very worried about 18yr old ds online Asian relationship

123 replies

Mollymoo24 · 12/04/2025 16:36

For the past 2 years my ds, 18 has been having a very intense online relationship with a girl from Vietnam.

For his GCSE's I bought him an online educational program to help him with his revision. It had it's own discord and that's how they met.

The relationship is very intense with multiple phone calls, messages each week. My understanding is that she can be quite manipulative and hasn't got any friends.

Her mother encourages their relationship and is also in contact my son.

I've tried to be neutral and hoped that it might burn itself out. However I've been told that her mother is planning to pay for plane ticket for my ds to go over there in the summer and he is planning to steal his passport and go.

I'm absolutely worried sick and would appreciate some thoughts and advice on how to handle this.

OP posts:
legalseagull · 12/04/2025 18:20

Can you encourage them to meet somewhere neutral - like a weekend in Europe. It’s probably a scam but this could be a safe compromise

Lifeislove · 12/04/2025 18:21

Mollymoo24 · 12/04/2025 18:05

Unfortunately we don't have any family that could help.

I'm many years separated from his father due to domestic abuse. I think Ds's father doesn't think this situation is a problem...

If ds was to get into trouble over there, how on earth I would be able to rescue him I don't know.

Go with him. Go together and oversee all of it. Meet this wealthy mother, meet the daughter, meet the family.
I assume you'd be paying for his flights? So say he can't go solo if you're funding it.
if he's funding himself, at 18 then then he can do what he likes. Or is wealthy mother paying his flight?
EDIT
Edit as see wealthy mother funding flight. Go with him

Terrribletwos · 12/04/2025 18:31

I can bet my life there won't be any wealthy mother. It is so obvious this is a scam! You have to shut it down anyway you can. If that means hiding his passport as he sounds vulnerable then do so.

Terrribletwos · 12/04/2025 18:33

Lifeislove · 12/04/2025 18:21

Go with him. Go together and oversee all of it. Meet this wealthy mother, meet the daughter, meet the family.
I assume you'd be paying for his flights? So say he can't go solo if you're funding it.
if he's funding himself, at 18 then then he can do what he likes. Or is wealthy mother paying his flight?
EDIT
Edit as see wealthy mother funding flight. Go with him

Edited
Show quote history

Oh dear

This isn't going.to happen. It's a scam.

Terrribletwos · 12/04/2025 18:36

They will say they are going to fund the flight, etc and then what do you know there will be a problem with the bank or the govt....blah blah.

Really, don't be so naive.

Pinkfluffypencilcase · 12/04/2025 18:37

Invite her here during the web chat. See the reaction.

Hoppinggreen · 12/04/2025 18:40

AHBM2022 · 12/04/2025 18:08

That’s not how it works, it’s HIS passport, his LEGAL property. Now he’s an adult, it is illegal to withhold his documents.

Show quote history

I wouldn't care

Icanttakethisanymore · 12/04/2025 18:49

Could you go with him?

SlightlyJaded · 12/04/2025 18:51

You have to be proactive.

Sit ds down and tell him that you are sorry to break his heart but you are pretty sure it's a scam. See if he will watch 'The Nevermets'. Explain to him that he is absolutely not a fool for falling for it and that these people know exactly what they are doing and are in it together.

Tell him that although he will be hurting for a while, no contact is the way to go.

Also tell him that you realise you cannot make him listen but you hope he understands that you have no agenda - you would love for him to fall in love with someone...

Show him this thread.

And ABOVE ALL, tell him that if he insists on trying to travel, you will 100 percent be going with him. Tell him you want to speak to her family ahead of the trip and make sure that the GF and her mother know that you are suspicious and will be joining your DS on the trip(even if you don't mean it). Hopefully they will realise that you are on to them and start to back off

BeTealOP · 12/04/2025 18:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BeTealOP · 12/04/2025 18:54

If you want to lose him forever steal his passport and let him pay for the emergency passport last minute. He'll hate you for it though and never trust you again.

SomewhereinSuberbia · 12/04/2025 18:58

It seems likely that once he's out there the 'wealthy mother' will be temporarily indisposed of her income, and will ask him/you to lend her some money to temporarily help here out, and she may 'look after' his passport and ask for more money.
Can you go with him? Can you close it down before hand?

Crazybaby123 · 12/04/2025 19:01

Have you spoke to the mother directly?
I would not let him go alone to vietnam either in this instance.
I would be contacting the police, citizens advice etc.
I would possibly hide his passport.
If they are so wealthy, why can't they make the trip tk come to london. Ask him to call their bluff and come here for a trip first. Then you can meet them if they do in fact exist.

suburberphobe · 12/04/2025 19:06

If I give him his passport and he gets into trouble over there, how on earth do I support and protect him?

Goodness me OP. You sound very naive. The British Embassy is there for Brits getting into trouble abroad. But if they have no idea where he is not much they can do.

You cannot "support and protect him" when he's gone to a country so far away. He sounds very innocent anyway. Does he live a life outside of being in his room on his computer? Has he travelled alone? Even to nearby places? I.e. is he street smart?

The first thing you have to do is hide his passport. And definatley don't sub this trip for him moneywise.

Has he even spoken to her on the phone? Got the measure of her?

Watch Con Mum on Netflix. The fact her mum is so involved it has red flags all over it.

LUBAR · 12/04/2025 19:12

Hemlocked · 12/04/2025 16:50

Why is everyone saying it's a scam? It's entirely possible for a Vietnamese girl to find a genuine connection with a British boy online.

Yes, but the mother getting involved and buying him a ticket is such a HUGE red flag! He will owe her/them, then. Don't fall for it. What the mother doing has grooming all over it. You might as well send the Vietnamese ladies your son's passport because, after all, it's a British passport they're after!

suburberphobe · 12/04/2025 19:14

I am genuinely horrified to find out how many absolute lunatics think it's ok steal an adult's passport.

Don't be ridiculous.

It's not "stealing". It's her son's passport. Bet she paid for it anyway. It's just holding it for him before he does an absolute stupid thing flying halfway round the world. Without any kind of assurance of what lies ahead of him.

OP, if he is set on it let him work to save up the money for this trip. That'll take a while while he matures.

wizzywig · 12/04/2025 19:18

@Londonwaiting yep I hear and see this happening a lot.

dogcatkitten · 12/04/2025 19:19

Invite her to the UK instead, then you can assess the relationship and prove she exists at least. Or else you will have to go with him, although he would hate that. At least get in the conversation, talk to the mother and figure out what is going on.

Fayruh · 12/04/2025 21:04

Some very good advice on this thread. You go with him or she goes to see you.

AHBM2022 · 12/04/2025 21:27

suburberphobe · 12/04/2025 19:14

I am genuinely horrified to find out how many absolute lunatics think it's ok steal an adult's passport.

Don't be ridiculous.

It's not "stealing". It's her son's passport. Bet she paid for it anyway. It's just holding it for him before he does an absolute stupid thing flying halfway round the world. Without any kind of assurance of what lies ahead of him.

OP, if he is set on it let him work to save up the money for this trip. That'll take a while while he matures.

But that’s the thing…. It is stealing. It’s a crime. Once you become an adult, those documents legally become yours. You cannot hide an adults passport, national insurance number or birth certificate. It doesn’t matter if you paid for it, it does not belong to you, it is that persons LEGAL property and identity.

BryantVibes · 12/04/2025 21:29

Catfish!!! This is a total scam

AHBM2022 · 12/04/2025 21:30

Hoppinggreen · 12/04/2025 18:40

I wouldn't care

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Then look all shocked when your child calls the police and they make you give it to him anyway, and possibly charge you with theft 😂

SassyAzureHedgehog · 13/04/2025 06:57

invite her to come to UK instead.

Cynicalaboutall · 13/04/2025 07:00

Honestly, I’d be booking myself on the next flight to Vietnam so I can be there if things go pear shaped.

LobeliaBaggins · 13/04/2025 07:13

I expect OP may.not be able to afford to fly off to Vietnam.
Is he the kind who will call the police if you take his passport? Morally I would have no issue doing that. Practically he may just get another.
Can a teacher help?

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