Very worried about 18yr old ds online Asian relationship

[Mollymoo24]

For the past 2 years my ds, 18 has been having a very intense online relationship with a girl from Vietnam.

For his GCSE's I bought him an online educational program to help him with his revision. It had it's own discord and that's how they met.

The relationship is very intense with multiple phone calls, messages each week. My understanding is that she can be quite manipulative and hasn't got any friends.

Her mother encourages their relationship and is also in contact my son.

I've tried to be neutral and hoped that it might burn itself out. However I've been told that her mother is planning to pay for plane ticket for my ds to go over there in the summer and he is planning to steal his passport and go.

I'm absolutely worried sick and would appreciate some thoughts and advice on how to handle this.

This sounds like it could be a scam. One pretty glaring red flag would be if there is a large gap in attractiveness, but it’s hard to objectively assess that since he is your son. Do you know if he has sent her money or does send her money?

I would just go with him, or investigate the mother and contact her directly myself.

If that doesn’t work - and he still insists - destroy his passport? That won’t solve the problem but really get to know the family.

18 might be an adult but he is still your child.

Dont listen to the posters here who go on about him being an adult.
Clearly a scam and your son seems vulnerable
Would he listen to another family member?

Do not contact the mother. It will likely not be the mother or if it is she will be in on the scam herself..

It will probably include the whole family

Oh stop it. Dint be ridiculous. Yes it may be correct that his mum can’t withhold it but your suggestion that she’s the problem is just revolting baiting in your part

As her mother is so involved in their relationship, which he is ok with, why don’t you suggest that you go with him? Given that her mother is playing third wheel no one could justifiably object. Follow her lead and get more involved generally, find out if he is being catfished and let them know he is not alone and they are being watched

It could well be a genuine mother and daughter in that they are related but once he gets there he could easily be made to disappear if they think he has money or his family has money and is willing to pay up.

Or it could be they want a better future for the girl in the U.K. and he's the stepping stone to get here.

You can't deny him his passport but you can make him aware that what he is doing could be dangerous and the women are faking being nice to him.

Many young girls out there are sex workers, it's a way of life and as such they are hardened and your son is vulnerable and could be preyed on.

For the life of me I can't understand why her mother encourages it

She’s looking for a husband to take care of her problematic daughter.

Some cultures do this. Young women find themselves married off to men with learning disabilities in South Asian cultures. The woman might live in India snd be brought over for an arranged marriage. She doesn’t realise her husband has ‘difficulties’ till it’s too late.

Whatever is happening the mother clearly has strong motives for your son going over there.

Normally Mothers disuade their daughters from meeting men they only know from the internet!

It’s well dodgy.

Likely to be a scammer biding their time.

A passport may be what she is after?

Unfortunately we don't have any family that could help.

I'm many years separated from his father due to domestic abuse. I think Ds's father doesn't think this situation is a problem...

If ds was to get into trouble over there, how on earth I would be able to rescue him I don't know.

This has scam written all over it in my view. There is a million to one chance that anything legit is happening. Call me a cynic if you like.

@Mollymoo24 you need to point out your concerns to your son, but in a non confrontational manner. I would suggest working out some questions that he asks her in order to minimise the risk. Such as "I have no money for the trip, I appreciate that your mother will pay for flight / fund the trip, but I can't take risk I arrive and have no means of funding. How will this work?". Make it clear that nobody this end has any funds.

Ultimately, if you hide his passport, he could just get a replacement, so if he is set on going, you can't stop him.

It could easily be a ‘romance’ scam

That’s not how it works, it’s HIS passport, his LEGAL property. Now he’s an adult, it is illegal to withhold his documents.

I would absolutely not believe this and I would do anything possible to protect my son and that would include taking away/hiding his passport. That would be my absolute priority and I would not be thinking about any other fake concerns.

It is a crime to destroy a valid passport…. Do not do this. He is an adult, that passport is his legal property now.

Some of them are in for the long haul, they have nothing to lose.

Reach out to your DS and calmly explain your concerns. Offer to join a FaceTime between him and the gf/the gf’s mother with the pretext that you’d like to get to know her and her mother. You need to help him confirm that they’re not planning to take advantage of him financially. If all else fails, perhaps suggest that the gf comes to the UK to visit him and have him say that that’s the only way they can meet?

While I can understand your worry OP, you can't keep an 18 year olds passport from them. Also, "possible Aspergers" means that he has got to this age without you seeking a diagnosis, which doesn't do your case a lot of good, as you clearly didn't think it was enough of a problem to do anything about until he wants to do something you disapprove of.

I would (with his consent) try to speak to the mother, in a non confrontational way, to get a better sense of what's happening.

Agree with this approach.

I would also watch the honesty box with him. Their trailer is excellent. People lie and especially on line.

Look at the top 5 nationalities coming over to the UK on small boats. Vietnam is one of them. Why would a mother of a teenage girl be encouraging her to engage in an online romance with a random man from another country, unless they were desperate? OP’s son is being used to get someone a passport and he will be completely out of his depth when he gets over there.