DD has uni place but doesn't want to go anymore

[leopardprint65]

My DD has a firm offer (deferred place) at uni for September. She is August born so she knew she wasn't ready to go last year so she applied and deferred. She has got a job a minimum wage mundane job but she absolutely loves it - she has now decided she doesn't want to go to uni.

She is very much a home body and hates being away from me - only ever done 1 sleepover as a child and always ended up coming home from residentials early. She suffers from anxiety but this year it is definitely getting better. She rarely goes out - she is just happy working, coming home watching TV or going on tik tok. She hasn't bothered to learn to drive and she doesn't go to the gym or do anything to keep fit. She has a few really good friends and they go to Nandos or shopping. She hates pubs and clubs. To me a woman in my 50's her life seems so mind numbingly boring!

I know I shouldn't compare her to me but at 19 I would have so bored with this sort of life - I had big ambitions big plans and I do loads - I've been to uni, lived in 7 different towns and at 18 I was living the freedom, but she has no inkling to really do anything. She has no interest in travelling or even visiting different towns or places in the UK.

I think if she gave uni a chance she may thrive but she is sooo scared of the workload and not being able to see me everyday and to live with other people. She is academically very able.

So should I push her to take her place and give it a go or be fine with her withdrawing her place. None of her friends are at uni they all work.

I have asked her to look at degree apprenticeships but she loves her minimum wage job she doesn't want to do anything else at the moment.

I will support her in any decision she makes as it is ultimately her life.

But should I try and encourage her to go to uni? Because surely everyone is nervous and anxious. She doesn't ever get excited about anything because she never really does anything exciting but she is completely happy with that.

I love the excitement and buzz of life and get excited doing lots of different things so find her attitude hard to comprehend. I am not saying it is wrong but I would love her to try and experience some of the great things that life as a young person has to offer.

Presumably you are supporting her financially at the moment. How long do you plan to do that for and what's her plan to take financial responsibility at some point in the future. I would have a really frank discussion with her. It's ok not to want to go to uni but realistically she cannot live with you forever and won't be able to support herself on the minimum wage. She needs some sort of plan for her future.

I’d encourage her to go - the mundane min wage jobs will still be there when she finishes - but it could offer her soooo much opportunity to grow personally and professionally with the uni experience.

I'd leave her be. She's found a job she loves, good friends and a way of life that suits her - at the moment. She may spread her wings later on. Don't push her - she's not you, and doesn't need to live your life.

She does need to broaden her horizons but that doesn't necessarily mean going to uni.

I think uni is overrated, not everyone needs to go and unless she’s committed to it she wouldn’t stay the course anyway probably.

I would want her to have a medium to long term plan though in terms of supporting herself. She needs to consider a house share, or at least have a think about the future without you propping her up. She’ll need to fly the nest one day!

University isn’t for everyone and that’s okay. She needs to want to go. I went to University and really struggled. For me it wasn’t a good experience. It’s also very expensive and if she’s on the fence, maybe it isn’t worth pushing her. Is there any room for growth in her current role?

Not everyone has to go to uni. And those who do, don’t have to do it at 18/19. I know several people who didn’t go until their late 20s and one who didn’t go until he was 35. My friend’s mum didn’t go until she did an Open University degree in her 50s! Stop thinking of her as being an extension of you. She can do her own thing and go when/if she wants. She doesn’t have to do any of the things you would have wanted at that age - she is an adult and her own person.

If she’s living with you and working, I presume she’s contributing to the household finances? She does need to find her own place but you could ease her into it by involving her in sorting utilities bills, doing the weekly shop etc.

OP, I know you want what’s best for her. But as a secondary school teacher for many years, I can tell you that some people just aren’t suited to academia at 18. Universities have so many access courses for mature students. If she wants it later, she still can.

Nothing wrong with not wanting to pursue academia, or in being content in a low skilled low stress minimum wage job. However it’s what’s underpinning those things that is important, and it sounds as if her main reason is emotional dependence on you. Which is incredibly unhealthy. I’d be strongly suggesting that if she doesn’t go to uni then she at least has to move out and stand on her own two feet, without you.

This 100%.

She's happy. Why would you want to mess with that and force her into doing something she doesn't want to do?

Not everyone has to go to uni.
If she would miss the academic challenge, how about doing a few OU courses while staying at home and working?

What course has she the place on? Is it something clearly vocational or it is something she finds interesting but may not lead immediately to a job? Has she said why she no longer wants to take her place up?
It does sound as if a sit down and a chat about finances and aspirations might be in order. Does she make a realistic contribution to the running of the household in terms of bills etc but also in terms of chores? It does sound as if she is rather closer to you than many young people of that age and helping her to become more independent could be useful. If she decides not to go to university would a flatshare with her friends be a possibility

Let her find her own path. If she's happy that's great. She will have plenty of time for tedium or boredom with work to hit and if and when it does University will still be there as an option.

I understand you feeling she's missing an opportunity (as I remember my time at Uni fondly too) but I would be relieved she's not taking on that burden of debt unless she really wants to go.

I'd leave her be. She's working & she's happy. My dd deferred because she didn't feel ready, but doing a minimum wage job for a year confirmed to her that that really wasn't what she wanted to do and uni was a better option for her. If your dd doesn't feel that she won't make the most of the experience, she can always go later in life when she's motivated.

Let her come back to it if she wants to and is ready for it, in the meantime she is happy which a large proportion of uni students aren’t

This job was only meant to be a stop gap and I am so glad she likes it and I feel if she didn't like it she would be far more inclined to take up her uni place. She spends very little money as she doesn't do much so money is not an option. We have said that we will have to charge her rent next year if she doesn't go to uni which she is fine with.

My SIL has never left her home town and only ever been on holiday once and has worked on and off in the same job for 35 years and is so happy and I see big similarities in their personalities, her children are the same they live a very quiet ordinary life with no ambitions and they are financially ok because they don't spend any money apart from on the essentials.

I just worry that because she is happy she will just settle for this life and she won't experience some of the great things life has to offer.

I’m in the leaver her be camp.

I say this with a DC who went to uni, got a first and is back at home and a DC who did an apprenticeship then went off travelling and is also now back at home. Both currently in minimum wage jobs!

ETA

Sorry, I’ve just seen your update. I rember years ago having a row with my mum. The gist was she wanted more for me than she had but I saw her life and thought it was perfect. It’s so hard not to project our dreams and regrets on our children. All we can do is provide opportunities xx

My cousin didn’t go to uni at 18 and got a job in a shop. A year or two later he decided to go after all, and did a course he may not have otherwise - and is now, through an unlikely path, extremely successful.

Dd2 is probably going to be similar to your dd however if she gets a job and it builds her confidence to be in a workplace with new people I will 100% support this and wait for her to decide what next. DD1 is coming out of Uni with £45,000 worth of debt and we will see what she does next.

Leave her alone. She sounds happy and content with her life just now. There's nothing wrong with that.

What’s the Uni subject? Is there any way she can still pursue a career in this subject?

Is there a uni close to home that does a similar course? She could stat at home, keep her job part time but also develop and meet new people.

You can't force her to go, but have you explored her reasons fully? If she wants to stay close to you, is there a university within commuting distance she could go to? Or she could look at getting other qualifications at a community college?

If she doesn't want to study though, I see no reason for her to leave home any time soon. Could you encourage more separation from you to give her confidence e.g. a night or weekend away with friends, either for you or for her?

My dd didn't want to go to university as she lost all confidence re studying etc in the pandemic. She does have a level 3 qualification which has led to a job paid above NMW - and she loves it. It's in a field she could develop further in later on when she is older. And could lead to a degree one day.

I went to uni but it was different 30 odd years ago. Nowadays, everyone seems to go and half of them leave and end up in minimum wage jobs anyway, as well as with 50k of debt (ok I exaggerate slightly but you get my point)

University isn't for everyone, imo half the people there are wasting their time and money.
She is an adult and able to make her own decisions. If she is happy in her job and her life leave her be. There are plenty of opportunities for her, promotion at work, changing companies, degree part time when she is older if that's what she wants to do.

I worked PT in a shop with a girl I did my a levels with. she stayed on in the shop-I thought she was crazy. then she moved into banking, then became a manager, then an area manager and now does something extremely high up and earns a heck of a lot more than me :)

As long she she is paying you proper rent and learning the value of cost of living then leave her be

Maybe encourage her to look at OU, or uni part time while living at home and working.

The old route of full time uni, racking up debt and living away from home doesn't work for everyone.

Nor does having fixed ambitions at 18, maybe she needs some time to work out what she wants.

It’s really difficult finding the balance of pushing them but also letting them make their own decisions.

How far away is the uni?
Could she not find one closer to home so she can live at home and still keep her job?

Ultimately it’s her decision and tbh I think 18/19 is incredibly young to go to uni anyway and I think taking a couple of years out to get some work experience is really beneficial.

I would let her carry on as is but then next year perhaps up the pressure a bit and say she needs to figure out a career path, even if it’s not one she sticks to forever.