DD has uni place but doesn't want to go anymore

[leopardprint65]

My DD has a firm offer (deferred place) at uni for September. She is August born so she knew she wasn't ready to go last year so she applied and deferred. She has got a job a minimum wage mundane job but she absolutely loves it - she has now decided she doesn't want to go to uni.

She is very much a home body and hates being away from me - only ever done 1 sleepover as a child and always ended up coming home from residentials early. She suffers from anxiety but this year it is definitely getting better. She rarely goes out - she is just happy working, coming home watching TV or going on tik tok. She hasn't bothered to learn to drive and she doesn't go to the gym or do anything to keep fit. She has a few really good friends and they go to Nandos or shopping. She hates pubs and clubs. To me a woman in my 50's her life seems so mind numbingly boring!

I know I shouldn't compare her to me but at 19 I would have so bored with this sort of life - I had big ambitions big plans and I do loads - I've been to uni, lived in 7 different towns and at 18 I was living the freedom, but she has no inkling to really do anything. She has no interest in travelling or even visiting different towns or places in the UK.

I think if she gave uni a chance she may thrive but she is sooo scared of the workload and not being able to see me everyday and to live with other people. She is academically very able.

So should I push her to take her place and give it a go or be fine with her withdrawing her place. None of her friends are at uni they all work.

I have asked her to look at degree apprenticeships but she loves her minimum wage job she doesn't want to do anything else at the moment.

I will support her in any decision she makes as it is ultimately her life.

But should I try and encourage her to go to uni? Because surely everyone is nervous and anxious. She doesn't ever get excited about anything because she never really does anything exciting but she is completely happy with that.

I love the excitement and buzz of life and get excited doing lots of different things so find her attitude hard to comprehend. I am not saying it is wrong but I would love her to try and experience some of the great things that life as a young person has to offer.

So OP should financially support her in her minimum wage job, even though she’s got the ability to improve her earning power? How long for? For ever?

It's the covid kids thing. Let her do what she's happy with for another couple of years.

Please don't make her go if she isn't ready, sure of what course she wants to do, or if she doesn't want to go. My mum did this with both of us. For my sibling's job, they admit that they probably don't need a degree for their job. For me, it backfired spectacularly! I re-trained in a career that I actually wanted (which they still don't approve of...), but I'm happy.

Prioritise her happiness over your expectations. She has a job that might not be "good enough" in the eyes of others, but she's happy. Family pressure and anxiety is a bit like being in a pressure cooker, and if you keep pushing, she'll explode one day.

Also, anxiety and driving lessons aren't usually a good combination. Quite frankly, it's terrifying to be shut in a car with a stranger, and then be in charge of something that you could legitimately kill someone with, and you have to pass yet another exam which you expect to fail because you don't feel good enough. Once you pass your test (after several attempts...), it gets better!

Which course is she down for at uni?
also what job do you class as the mundane job?

This is the key!
If she’s just going to uni for a random course then it’s a waste of time. If she wanted to go to uni for a specific career then that’s different.

is there opportunities that she can progress in her current role etc?

you say your SIL is very happy and content in life. Isn’t that what life is about? Being content and happy?

I certainly wouldn’t push her out at 18! Why on earth do that? I do think it would be good to encourage interests outside the house. Does she have to socialise at work?

Is the minimum wage job something that could be higher paid later, maybe she can get higher up in it, she must have her A levels, maybe she might want to do some studying later, like an OU degree, my nephew did that, his job was minimum wage and now he is a manager in his workplace

what is interesting to me is you are describing your DD as low ambition but essentially responsible and living within her means. As long as she understands long term implications and the limits to her earning and lifestyle that could result in, then fine. These implications include one day that she may not live with you, or indeed may not be able to afford the area you currently live in. Maybe she should be encouraged to rent outside of the home? to understand the true cost of living. Renting a room in mum's house will always be much cheaper and more comfortable than the alternative. Or perhaps you enjoy her company so it's ok?

If she doesn't want to go I'd be careful about pushing her to. I know lots of people who did a degree, got a job and now think they'd have done something completely different if they knew differently. Similarly I have a relatively high up well paid job and I'm the only one in my team who went to uni so degrees aren't always needed.
I would be a bit concerned that she's quite isolated so I'd focus on that.

You says she's quite an anxious person, have you ever thought she might be autistic?

Leave her be.
She is happy.
Charge her rent a proportion of her income.
She might review in 2 or 3 years or not .

Honestly I think you shouldn't underestimate the importance of her being content and happy. While encouraging her to go could be he making of her it could also be a disaster. She's happy so just let her discover life at her own pace.

Having been through the experience of having a DC not sure but going anyway and then leaving I would say leave her be for a while. Honestly, I don't think it's worth the potential risk to her MH. We are all different, growing up in different times. Your experience won't be hers. She may suddenly decide she wants to go to uni or to travel or she may not but it's her life to live how she sees fit.

Also I didn’t want to move away for uni and lived at home whilst i did my degree as it was nursing course which is vocational and didn’t have the traditional uni holidays. Being near my family is what makes me happy and being a part of their lives. My sister lives in the same street and parents live up the road and my in laws are 10mins away. We aren’t in each others pocket and don’t randomly turn up at each other houses but I would hate to be away from them.
we have decent jobs and homes and very contented with life (I would be more contented with a lottery win and didn’t have to work!)

My sibling went to Uni as they felt all their friends were and that it was the expected thing to do. They didn't find a course that was the right fit for them and dropped out (and I would say still have injured pride about it although no-one judges them for it) So yes it could open doors but it could also damage your DDs self-esteem if she goes to please other people and it's not her own ambition or interest leading it.

Of course Uni isn't for everyone, and she's working which is good, but from your description of her I would worry that her world is small and likely to get smaller without progression of some sort at dome point. If you leave her be for now I would certainly be encouraging her to try different things, socialise and move job in the medium term to avoid her becoming more isolated, anxious and dependent on you.

I think you need to stop projecting onto her. She sounds like she has things sussed. What seems mundane to some, is the perfect life for others.

No I didn’t say OP should financially support her. However, a minimum wage job isn’t a death sentence. Many people manage to live off minimum wage without handouts from the state or family. They just live to their means. That being said her being in a minimum wage job now doesn’t mean she’s got to stay in one forever either.

There aren’t just two pathways in life go to uni or your parents have to subsidise you financially forever more. She seems fairly sensible by all accounts. Shes found herself a job, she’s not frittering her money away and Op has spoken to her about contributing to the household and she’s accepted. Who knows what she’ll end up doing later on in life. I just think she’s got the right to choose her own path and set her pace rather than be encouraged to live a life other people think she should have.

She sounds happy and that would be enough for me.

I did this for a little while, then started applying for other jobs. Got knocked back for lack of a degree often enough that the penny dropped and I went back to uni. Just had to come to that conclusion on my own!

Can she defer for another year to give her a bit more time?

Otherwise I'd be tempted to have a conversation with her about future earning potential, keeping her options open and giving herself the biggest range of opportunities in the future. Sure she loves her minimum wage job and friends right now, but will she in 3-5 years time? What if her friends move away or marry or are no longer as available?

It's fine if her ambitions are lower than yours and she is content with her life as it is, but she needs to make sure she has future options and choices should her feelings change. The minimum wage job will always be there to come back to - she can probably even do one part time at uni.

My cousin didn’t go to uni at 18 and got a job in a shop. A year or two later he decided to go after all, and did a course he may not have otherwise - and is now, through an unlikely path, extremely successful.

This.

18 years old is really young to know what you want to do in life.

Maybe she'll be someone who finds her passion in her 20's or 30's.

If she can defer for one more year that could keep the option open. Longer term, I would be wanting to help her with a) earning more than min wage, b) time on tik tok, c) her dependence on you/home. This doesn't have to be all at once.

I don't think this is a bad idea. Living the can down the road is a totally legitimate stance at that age and gives the opportunity to build up to staying away from home etc.

Whilst waiting for a March intake for my uni course I did some volunteering and was actually offered a job as a classroom assistant. I sometimes wonder how my life might be different if I'd taken them up on it. I never finished my course, and dropped out.

My life may have been smaller but I might have been happier, who knows?

This was me, many years ago. After receiving my A Level results I decided not to take up my place at uni and got a job. I stayed for about 2 years, then went to uni, but stayed at home. I feel that your dd will find her own path and that there is no point in trying to persuade her to go at this stage.

My DD has decided she doesn't want to go to uni. She's quite ambitious but isn't interested in student life or the debt and wants to stay living in the rural area she's grown up in.

On one hand I want her to spread her wings and perhaps see the world but on the other, she's happy, is working, is saving money, has a boyfriend and lots of friends. She's self confident and has some ideas for setting up a business. She's an adult and it's her life, not mine.

I think people who've been to university, left their home towns, gone travelling etc can be a bit snobby about those who haven't but there's nothing wrong with being rooted in your community, surrounded by family and longstanding friends.