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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DD has uni place but doesn't want to go anymore

100 replies

leopardprint65 · 24/03/2025 18:02

My DD has a firm offer (deferred place) at uni for September. She is August born so she knew she wasn't ready to go last year so she applied and deferred. She has got a job a minimum wage mundane job but she absolutely loves it - she has now decided she doesn't want to go to uni.

She is very much a home body and hates being away from me - only ever done 1 sleepover as a child and always ended up coming home from residentials early. She suffers from anxiety but this year it is definitely getting better. She rarely goes out - she is just happy working, coming home watching TV or going on tik tok. She hasn't bothered to learn to drive and she doesn't go to the gym or do anything to keep fit. She has a few really good friends and they go to Nandos or shopping. She hates pubs and clubs. To me a woman in my 50's her life seems so mind numbingly boring!

I know I shouldn't compare her to me but at 19 I would have so bored with this sort of life - I had big ambitions big plans and I do loads - I've been to uni, lived in 7 different towns and at 18 I was living the freedom, but she has no inkling to really do anything. She has no interest in travelling or even visiting different towns or places in the UK.

I think if she gave uni a chance she may thrive but she is sooo scared of the workload and not being able to see me everyday and to live with other people. She is academically very able.

So should I push her to take her place and give it a go or be fine with her withdrawing her place. None of her friends are at uni they all work.

I have asked her to look at degree apprenticeships but she loves her minimum wage job she doesn't want to do anything else at the moment.

I will support her in any decision she makes as it is ultimately her life.

But should I try and encourage her to go to uni? Because surely everyone is nervous and anxious. She doesn't ever get excited about anything because she never really does anything exciting but she is completely happy with that.

I love the excitement and buzz of life and get excited doing lots of different things so find her attitude hard to comprehend. I am not saying it is wrong but I would love her to try and experience some of the great things that life as a young person has to offer.

OP posts:

RaininSummer · 24/03/2025 18:35

I agree leave her be. If she isn't seeking a grad career then no point going at present. Plenty of graduates end up in min wage jobs too. Just make sure she understands that the choice will still be there or she could do an apprenticeship as she may want to increase her earnings eventually.

Peregrina · 24/03/2025 18:41

A friend's daughter was like this. She deferred once, the uni wouldn't let her defer again so she gave up the place. She eventually did go to university, doing a completely different course, in which she did very well. So it was very much the right decision for her.

It's much better for her to be enjoying her life now, than going to university and perhaps dropping out part way after a miserable time.

Iloveeverycat · 24/03/2025 18:44

You don't have to go to uni lots go and end up owing £40,000 and still end up doing minimum wage jobs there are loads where I work. Is the only reason she doesn't want to go is leaving home. What subject was she interested in could she go to one nearby and still live at home. It's really good she enjoys the job she is doing now.

NewsdeskJC · 24/03/2025 18:47

If she has decent a levels, she can go anytime.
It's her life and she is the only one living it. So let her.

treesandsun · 24/03/2025 18:53

It is fine to encourage her to go but if she is happy and healthy - I would let her be. There are so many people who are stressed/anxious/depressed and if she is happy and enjoys her job and her life what a great place to in.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 24/03/2025 18:54

I just worry that because she is happy she will just settle for this life and she won't experience some of the great things life has to offer.

She is happy

If a small life is what makes her happy, then why force her into a bigger life that might not?

Blueberry911 · 24/03/2025 18:58

Ahh yes she should go get into a load of debt just because you think her life is boring 🤨

Notonthestairs · 24/03/2025 19:01

How far away is her deferred place? Can she study the same locally and stay at or closer to home?

Yoheresthestory · 24/03/2025 19:05

Id have an issue with the lack of plan or way not to end up on minimum wage for the rest of her life. But that’s not a popular approach on mumsnet. Financial security is decided for a lot of people based on the decisions they are making at this age.

Arcticrival · 24/03/2025 19:07

treesandsun · 24/03/2025 18:53

This ^

So many many teens have MH issues. It's scary and so worrying.

If she is happy just be grateful . Maybe look to detach lovingly as the years go by-or maybe she will do it herself anyway

Socross2028 · 24/03/2025 19:08

I think leave her be.
if she watches tv and tiktok she’ll be aware of different life experiences so it’s not like she’s sheltered from life. if she wants to branch out later on she will but if she doesn’t and is happy and content then good for her

Original poster

leopardprint65 · 24/03/2025 19:11

She has been very lucky with the people she works with they all seem so nice and she loves it - there is no stress at all and she doesn't have to bring work home. I think if she had a job she didn't like she would be much keener to go to uni, because she is so happy at the moment she doesn't want that to change. Most of the people she works with are much older than her which is what she likes because they aren't always pressuring her to go out socially as most go home to their families of an evening.

The uni she is going to is a 2hr drive from home so the most local we could find. She did say she would have absolutely no issues leaving this job if she go to uni in our home town but unfortunately they don't offer her course.

I try to encourage her to go out with friends of an evening and she gets on well with her auntie who lives 3 hrs away but she visited her on her own just before christmas and only stayed one night as she hated being in a strange town and house without me. We have visited them twice to three times a year but always as a family so she knows them well she just hates being away from home.

OP posts:

Bramshott · 24/03/2025 19:13

Would the uni agree to defer the place for another year? I know that's slightly an exercise in kicking the can down the road, but it takes the time pressure off and a lot can change in a year at this age.

Keepitrealnomists · 24/03/2025 19:14

She sounds very attached to you, don't make her go if she doesn't want to and maybe try to work on her independence.

PossumHollow · 24/03/2025 19:18

She’s happy. Your SIL is happy. I can’t imagine anything better for my daughters than them simply being content, surrounded by people they love, with enough money to be comfortable. She is not you. She’s happy with her life and wants to keep it that way and there’s nothing wrong with that. We could probably learn a lot from a person who is content with a life based on the important things, not always searching for happiness and meaning externally and not finding it. This is your problem, not hers.

Coffeeishot · 24/03/2025 19:19

There is nothing wrong with not having the uni experience it sounds like she would hate it anyway, what about doing a college course and working part time or a a modern apprentiship? What does she want to do/be?

Don't "encourage" her to go that wouldn't be fair. Lots of people have "mundane" jobs and have happy lives.

LouiseTopaz · 24/03/2025 19:23

I have a very well paid job because of my degree however I'm very unhappy and find it extremely stressful. If she's happy with the life she's living that's the main thing, let her be and find her own way in the world. Store managers at Aldi etc. are paid very well, she might work her way up.

jackiesgirl · 24/03/2025 19:28

If you think it’s the upheaval of living away that’s putting her off uni rather than the actual learning, is there a commutable uni she could go to and live at home? I did that and had best of both worlds, would sometimes go straight from uni to my job

MissyB1 · 24/03/2025 19:33

I don't think the Uni or no Uni is the real issue here. It's your dd's inability to cope without you. That's what would really worry me. There must be some deep rooted anxiety there, I would want her to get some help with that.

FiveBarGate · 24/03/2025 19:35

Hmm. Really from your description I think uni halls would be a very bad fit for her. A lot of unis do have alcohol free halls which if she changes her mind might be a good option.

Is there any likely progression in her job?

Or would she consider the Open University?

She has a job she enjoys. For now it's not a bad place to be but there are part time study options she could look at.

It doesn't necessarily need to be one or the other.

I think being happy in everyday life and not living for the big experiences is probably better in the long term.

QuietLifeNoDrama · 24/03/2025 19:39

I’d leave her be she’s found something that makes her happy. She’s more likely to seek her independence if she’s comfortable. Some people don’t need big exciting opportunities some people thrive in what others see as mundane.

StrongandNorthern · 24/03/2025 19:39

Being happy is pretty important!!
I'd definitely work on encouraging her to be more independent from you though, regardless of whether she goes to uni or not.

Temporaryname158 · 24/03/2025 19:41

I don’t think you should make her go to uni but I think she needs to start paying rent, bills, etc now, not next year.

she also needs lessons form you on how much everything costs and explain to her she cannot afford this on a minimum wage, that she at least needs to plan how she will earn more in the future

Arcticrival · 24/03/2025 19:44

I always thought it was important to be out all the time when I was young. SO I did do that and drank too much. Now I'm older I realise there is nothing wrong with being an introvert and preferring to stay at home and do things I like without interacting all the time. Of course, I say this with the benefit of age, having done all that. But if I had my time again I'd realise there is nothing wrong with preferring solitary activities.

Your daughter is not you OP. Just because you were out att when younger doens't mean she needs to be. I know you mean well but please don't make her feel like she is lacking by not going out partying every weekend. Just let her be. Maybe she will grow into a more sociable person but if she doesn't that is fine.

It would be different if you were posting about how unhappy she was stuck in her room with no friends but she's not. She's happy, Be grateful.

SalfordQuays · 24/03/2025 20:05

I made it clear to my DS that it was entirely up to him if he went to uni or not. But I also made it clear that if he was studying I’d fund him, but if he was working then he had to pay rent and give me money for food, bills etc. I said he couldn’t have it both ways.

OP maybe your daughter doesn’t want a big student adventure, but if she wants to move full time into the world of work, she has to pay her way.

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