DD has uni place but doesn't want to go anymore

[leopardprint65]

My DD has a firm offer (deferred place) at uni for September. She is August born so she knew she wasn't ready to go last year so she applied and deferred. She has got a job a minimum wage mundane job but she absolutely loves it - she has now decided she doesn't want to go to uni.

She is very much a home body and hates being away from me - only ever done 1 sleepover as a child and always ended up coming home from residentials early. She suffers from anxiety but this year it is definitely getting better. She rarely goes out - she is just happy working, coming home watching TV or going on tik tok. She hasn't bothered to learn to drive and she doesn't go to the gym or do anything to keep fit. She has a few really good friends and they go to Nandos or shopping. She hates pubs and clubs. To me a woman in my 50's her life seems so mind numbingly boring!

I know I shouldn't compare her to me but at 19 I would have so bored with this sort of life - I had big ambitions big plans and I do loads - I've been to uni, lived in 7 different towns and at 18 I was living the freedom, but she has no inkling to really do anything. She has no interest in travelling or even visiting different towns or places in the UK.

I think if she gave uni a chance she may thrive but she is sooo scared of the workload and not being able to see me everyday and to live with other people. She is academically very able.

So should I push her to take her place and give it a go or be fine with her withdrawing her place. None of her friends are at uni they all work.

I have asked her to look at degree apprenticeships but she loves her minimum wage job she doesn't want to do anything else at the moment.

I will support her in any decision she makes as it is ultimately her life.

But should I try and encourage her to go to uni? Because surely everyone is nervous and anxious. She doesn't ever get excited about anything because she never really does anything exciting but she is completely happy with that.

I love the excitement and buzz of life and get excited doing lots of different things so find her attitude hard to comprehend. I am not saying it is wrong but I would love her to try and experience some of the great things that life as a young person has to offer.

University isn't compulsory, but I would be very concerned that an adult feels that she can't cope with even one night away from her parent. This really isn't normal, and it seems that she needs much more support to develop some independence.

While it's actually nice your dad is happy and content, I think there is something else at play here.
You say she is anxious about not seeing you every day...that is slightly weird in a 19/20 yr old.
It may be great to say " leave her be" or " don't push her out "...
But maybe OP..you'd like her to go to uni to give you a break? From what sounds like a lot of dependency on you...not just for financial support but emotionally and socially as well.
Maybe you were looking forward to her leaving for uni so you could get your life back a bit...a young adult child who still needs to see their mother every day , is quite a drain.

Maybe uni isn't right for her..no problem...but what is right for you ? Maybe work at reducing her dependency on you and see where she is in few yrs

I’d be really worried she has no intention of ever leaving.
Most people that age are out working, at uni, or travelling the world. I’d be so concerned she just wants to stay at home. She may be able to work up in the job and uni isn’t for everyone so Id be inclined to let that go for a bit.
But how is she planning on doing anything on a minimum wage job, that doesn’t involve sitting in her bedroom the rest of the day? I would have a chat with her. Why is she so anxious? Has she ever seen a GP about this? It’s not normal behaviour to have to be near your mum every day at that age.

I am a do everything, experience everything lerson and I often wish I was a content and frugal person who loved the quiet life. It seems so much easier, to be happy with what you have, the people you have and the life you have, without needing more.
People are built in diffefent ways, she can pick up uni later. A lot of stores now have management tracks. You can defer uni and go at any time really.
Why not encourage her to think of her job as a gap year, and defer her place. See how she gets on im the year, she might figure out what she wants to do over the year.
Better than being forced to move to uni, rack up insane debts or waste huge amounts of money when shes not even sure why she wants to go there.
Life experiences are more than just uni.
I dis work experience at an accountants in year 10, the person I was working with was about 35 and said to me 'oh you have to go to uni, it was the best years of my life' i never have forgotten that as I thought it was the saddest thing I ever heard. That those 3 years were literally the best time he ever had and then that was it :(

If she is happy then that is what is important!

I wouldn't force the issue. You can't do a degree if your heart's not in it. She may change her mind in a few years. Or else go into management in her current role or something.

I definitely wouldn't. It will waste a year's worth of students finance if she drops out.

Far better that she goes to university when she is ready.

DD took a gap year and worked. Her work experience during her gap year helped her land her first job after graduating, and her work experience helped her get on to an allied healthcare masters.

My sister made her daughter go to uni. She lasted 5 months. Lots of debt

But.... Tye child suffered awful mental health. In the end she encouraged her to leave uni as she found out she was spending all weekend in bed

It isn't for everyone. A good apprenticeship would be great.
.but she is happy so leaver her

My sister learnt the hard way

I went to uni in a city away from home, I hated every day, lasted 1 year & spent the last months skiving off & suffering depression. I got into lots of debt. I missed my family & home. Some people just aren't ready. I would support her decisions. You said the course she wants to do isn't available in a uni closer ... What about open uni? She could do part time course while working

That really doesn’t go far.

You can't force her to go and I get that University isn't for everyone but she needs some direction, a goal. I often think when you're young you think you have all the time in the world and then all of a sudden you're 40 and wishing you had done more with your life. I always had a strong career ambition since I was 11 so I was very motivated to go to uni to pursue my dream career but if she would just be going to uni for the sake of it then it's probably not the right thing to do. I personally think it's good to push yourself out of your comfort zone and do things that scare you a little otherwise how do you grow, progress, learn? You only get 1 life so best to do and see as much as you can. And if things don't work out she will always be able to go back home. But the opportunity of being young and at uni, and it together with all your new mates won't always be there.

Honestly I would leave her be and let her revisit it in later life if that’s what she wants. Encourage her in other ways with the driving etc. Charge her rent as agreed and let her build her confidence over time. She may just have found her tribe already.

My youngest hates uni and counts the days until the holidays. It is not the experience he hoped for. I regret pushing it as the only option for him.

Sorry about your DN hope she feels better now & has found her feet.

Staying in bed all weekend is pretty standard student behaviour though 😁

I just remembered we shared a flat with someone who left in the first year. It’s just not for everyone, if someone has normal nerves then yes encourage them to talk them out but if it’s more serious reservations then sometimes you should heed them. She’s only 18 & maybe she’s enjoying not having exam pressure too.

@leopardprint65 could you go away for a few days & leave your dd at home so she at least gets used to not always having you around?

Lots of options outside uni. OU course she can do in the evenings. A higher ed course at a local college that’s part-time around her job might get her out and meeting new people?

You say you are worried that she’ll settle for this life and will miss out on some experiences but you need to ask yourself is she happy?

my adult children were both told they didn’t have to go to uni, they didn’t even need to go onto higher education. They were both told as long as they were either working or studying then we would support them but we weren’t going to support them sitting about the house doing nothing.

your dd seems happy with her life, her friendships and what she does in her free time. We have to accept that our children are only ours for a little time, we guide and support them and prepare them for adult life but ultimately they make their own adult choices.

i didn’t go to college until I was 43. I know someone who did a degree at 50.

She does not need to go away but I do think you need to work on her ability to be without you. I agree with one poster who said you need to start going away and leaving her on her own. She needs to build resilience a bit and cope without you but that does not mean she has to leave home if she is not ready.

I didn't go to uni, I had MH problems and was unwell with an eating disorder. A year later I was offered a place but still didn't want to go, I got a job, I paid a small amount of rent to my parents and moved out at 22.
If I'm honest most (but not all) peers had better paying jobs than me, but I've not yet regretted not going to uni (and that was when it was free!)

You are being a caring parent to think like this, but for some people the great things of life are the simple things.

With the sort of debt that students leave uni with they need to be 100% sure they are in the right place and doing the right course.

Leave her be, I say. Be glad she is happy. She has the rest of her life to go to uni of that is what she decides she wants to do later.

Is she happy and living within her means because she does not have to worry about paying proper rent and living costs? It is quite a privilege being able to stay at your parent house like this. My worry would be that she would get very used to this and would never move out. I don’t think that’s in anyone’s interest.

If she’s going to stay in her minimum wage job, I think she needs to get a taste of real life by at some point deciding to live away from home and seeing if she can cope with the bills and budget that way. And see what ‘real life’ is like in a job which has no possibility for advancement. She may then think that a degree might be useful.

If she does not move out, she will get too dependent on you and carry on living her small life and potentially never move out. Esp if she is happy out little. Unless that’s okay with you both of course.

I’d encourage her to go to your nearest uni and live at home, enabling her to keep the job that she loves, part time. I am not sure I’d encourage her to up sticks and move away if she doesn’t want to. It’s really hard for some of them at 18 to go to uni. A friend of mine’s young 18yo went and was home within a week for good.

I think it's interesting Op that you describe her as happy and contented yet you say you 'want more for her'

what more is there in life than being happy and contented? Most people spend decades chasing this illusive goal.

she is living the dream - she is happy with the life she has!

She is also so young - still a teen and perhaps less emotionally mature than some 19 year olds. Let her live her life and she may choose more study and travel later.

Encourage her. Seems like she is afraid of change. Potentially she could have gone to a university close to home and commute.

But don’t compare it to yourself; it seems she is happy with her life; not everyone has to like pubs, clubs.

Agree with this. I think this is a good compromise

You make it sound like the only option is university or minimum wage job.

I didn’t go to university and instead worked a minimum wage job at her age. Granted I’m not loaded now but I’m on a good wage in my location and working with people who have degrees on the same wage doing the same job.