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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How to advise DD how to end her relationship as gently as possible??

91 replies

ASockofFleagulls · 28/02/2025 11:53

I've never ended a relationship because DH and I have been together since we were 16. He was my first boyfriend.

DD is almost 17. She started a weekend job 4 months ago and became good friends with a boy there. They are the same age.

But in all honesty it's not going too well. She says he seemed really lovely to start and although they do get on well when they chat every night, he has shown some red flags which is putting her (and DH and I) off him.

DD is a virgin still (he says he is too). She told him she isn't quite ready to lose her virginity and doesn't want sex yet. He said he was ok with this yet within a week of this chat he'd purchased condoms, sensible, I suppose but since then every time they meet up he asks if he can bring the condoms. He's also asked her a few times for oral.

He doesn't seem to want to go anywhere other than to ours or his and DD thinks this is because he just wants to get physical.
He has also asked to see her phone a few times as he wants to see who she is taking to and has even tried to get his thumbprint on her phone. This is a huge red flag for me. I don't even look at DH phone and we've been together 35 years.

If they do go anywhere, it's into our local town where he lives and they just sit nursing a Starbucks the whole time, she finds this very boring. He appears to have no money to go out anywhere even though he works at the same place DD does. DD is at an age where she wants to go out and gave fun.

She has wanted to end things for a week or so but doesn't know how to, or how he'll react or how awkward it will be at work if she does end things.

I have told her honesty is always the best route. To explain she realises she is not ready for a physical relationship right now and needs space. She has tried this before and he said he'll back off but the truth is (in her words), "He's now giving me the ick!" I don't think she finds him physically attractive anymore and she says she doesn't want to regret who she loses her virginity to like some of her friends have.

What is the best way for her to approach this, bearing in mind they'll still need to work together?

And yes, lesson of the day.....don't date a work colleague!

OP posts:
GuiltyGiraffe · 28/02/2025 12:01

He sounds awful, agree that she needs to end it. Can you she just go with the "it's not you, it's me" line?

Can she find another job?

Sunat45degrees · 28/02/2025 12:02

there's no ideal way of breaking up with someone and of course, because it's at work, that's potentially difficult. But she just has to do it. Tell him that this relationship is not really want she wants, she's very sorry, but it's over.

And then deal with any challenging behaviour from him at work as and when it happens.

ETA: and she must be very clear. There can be no ambiguity. Becuase if he then starts to hound or harass her, she needs to be able to very firmly say to him, and, if necessary, work, that the relationshipwa svery clearly over.

ThankGodForDancingFruit · 28/02/2025 12:08

As PP has said, there is usually no easy way of ending a relationship. She is likely concerned how he will react.

I would advise -

As awkward as it may seem, arrange to meet either in public or at your house. That way she can leave the situation, there are people around, or she is in her own safe space.

Don’t try and be friends or be persuaded to keep in communication. Block immediately, or don’t view or reply to messages or calls. Even if there is emotional blackmail.

If communication afterwards becomes threatening or persistent, consider one clear message saying to stop and then reporting to the police.

Consider speaking to a manager if any problems arise at work.

Remind her all the time that she has the right to choose who she is in a relationship, the right to feel comfortable in her relationships, and she doesn’t have to ‘be nice’!

I hope it all goes smoothly.

Original poster
ASockofFleagulls · 28/02/2025 12:19

GuiltyGiraffe · 28/02/2025 12:01

He sounds awful, agree that she needs to end it. Can you she just go with the "it's not you, it's me" line?

Can she find another job?

It's so hard to get a job in our area, especially at 16. She has applied for loads of jobs but hears nothing back.

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 28/02/2025 12:19

"He has also asked to see her phone a few times as he wants to see who she is taking to and has even tried to get his thumbprint on her phone"

Jesus. She needs to kick that relationship to the curb. Both your DD and the boyfriend need to know - for their own different purposes - that controlling behaviour like that is NOT ON and is a deal breaker. Giant red flag. Make sure she knows she can and should end any relationship for the simple reason that it doesn't suit her any longer and controlling behaviour is not to be accepted.

Original poster
ASockofFleagulls · 28/02/2025 12:21

Sunat45degrees · 28/02/2025 12:02

there's no ideal way of breaking up with someone and of course, because it's at work, that's potentially difficult. But she just has to do it. Tell him that this relationship is not really want she wants, she's very sorry, but it's over.

And then deal with any challenging behaviour from him at work as and when it happens.

ETA: and she must be very clear. There can be no ambiguity. Becuase if he then starts to hound or harass her, she needs to be able to very firmly say to him, and, if necessary, work, that the relationshipwa svery clearly over.

Edited

This is my worry. I really don't want him promising to 'change' or that he'll do this or that from now on. It is such a shame they work together or it could have been a cleaner break.

OP posts:
Original poster
ASockofFleagulls · 28/02/2025 12:23

ThankGodForDancingFruit · 28/02/2025 12:08

As PP has said, there is usually no easy way of ending a relationship. She is likely concerned how he will react.

I would advise -

As awkward as it may seem, arrange to meet either in public or at your house. That way she can leave the situation, there are people around, or she is in her own safe space.

Don’t try and be friends or be persuaded to keep in communication. Block immediately, or don’t view or reply to messages or calls. Even if there is emotional blackmail.

If communication afterwards becomes threatening or persistent, consider one clear message saying to stop and then reporting to the police.

Consider speaking to a manager if any problems arise at work.

Remind her all the time that she has the right to choose who she is in a relationship, the right to feel comfortable in her relationships, and she doesn’t have to ‘be nice’!

I hope it all goes smoothly.

Thank you. I have said if things become uncomfortable at work she'll have to tell her manager and ask for their shifts to be at different times.

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 28/02/2025 12:23

PS it's great that she's so open and communicative with you. A lot of kids and teens hide their issues away from their parents.

Original poster
ASockofFleagulls · 28/02/2025 12:24

Mmhmmn · 28/02/2025 12:19

"He has also asked to see her phone a few times as he wants to see who she is taking to and has even tried to get his thumbprint on her phone"

Jesus. She needs to kick that relationship to the curb. Both your DD and the boyfriend need to know - for their own different purposes - that controlling behaviour like that is NOT ON and is a deal breaker. Giant red flag. Make sure she knows she can and should end any relationship for the simple reason that it doesn't suit her any longer and controlling behaviour is not to be accepted.

This has concerned me the most, it's the start of very controlling behaviour imo and I don't like it one bit.

OP posts:
FancyRedRobin · 28/02/2025 12:25

No need to be gentle, she needs to be crystal clear. Advice to a girl to be nice to a boy that is trying to dominate her is bad advice and it can be dangerous.
If I had a daughter I'd be teaching her to go through this world knowing her mind and tolerating no shit.

Theoscargoesto · 28/02/2025 12:26

I can of course see why, it’s not you it’s me, is suggested. They work together and it might be awkward and so on. But then I think, it’s 2025. It’s HER body to do as she wants with and that is her right and the reason it’s gone south is that he is not respecting her boundaries. They don’t even have to be reasonable ones (though they are)! Why should she make it easy for him and blame her own personality etc etc, HE should be the one ashamed here, HE should be looking for another job, not her! Just tell him. If he can’t cope, tell boss, or police if necessary. This is on him. Maybe that’s what we have to reach out girls in this day and age: you have nothing to be ashamed of, you have done nothing wrong.

Ohapal · 28/02/2025 12:28

I wouldn’t reference the physical stuff when breaking up. Or criticise him at all.

I would simply say, I need to break up with you, I need to focus on my studies and I can’t be in a relationship at the moment. And leave. She could do it from the Starbucks bench and then you could pick her up and remove her from the situation.

Ohapal · 28/02/2025 12:29

The phone thing and the sex pest thing - just awful

BettyBardMacDonald · 28/02/2025 12:30

This is a good time for her to learn that she never, ever needs to provide a reason for ending a relationship. She is not obliged to justify her choices.

Tbh all the virginity/condom stuff is cringey. As is the notion of a few weeks constituting a "relationship." They both clearly are too immature for exclusive dating.

Pyjamatimenow · 28/02/2025 12:33

Gross. She’s worth more than this. If she had sex with him he’d prob dump her after and she’d feel like crap.
Just I’m sorry I don’t think we’re compatible. I’m breaking this off. That’s all she needs to say. She will probably need to block him afterwards.

Squarestones · 28/02/2025 12:37

I agree she doesn't need to give lots of details just say it isn't working for her and, as others said, be clear/firm.

In terms of the work awkwardness, I think this is one where she kind of needs your grown up perspective to put this in context. It's a weekend job so sh doesn't have to see him every day and the awkwardness won't last forever. It may feel pretty horrible now and for a while but is better to end sooner and get that awkwardness done with. First relationships and any kind of social difficulties at this age can be overwhelming and I think what I needed, and try to give to my (younger) son is a sense that they can cope, it is normal, and it will pass.

You may not have broken up with anyone but you've probably been through situations where you had to work or spend time with someone who you found awkward for whatever reason? Channel that, how did you manage?

It's great she is so open with you but I feel the risk (I veer this way) is that we become too involved and emotional and then can't give our kids the sense of perspective which they need(even if they don't believe us).

Having said all that there is of course the risk he'll be more than awkward and giving her confidence to speak to out if his behaviour oversteps normal boundaries is also important l, and pp have given better advice than I could on that

Isobel201 · 28/02/2025 12:37

Is she nearer 17 than 16? Insurance wise for jobs, that's what is making it tough right now. She could volunteer in charity shops, that will at least get her experience that she can note down on a CV.

0ctavia · 28/02/2025 12:38

You have advised her badly when telling her “ honestly is the best policy “ means she is obliged to give him her reasons for ending it.

That might be true if they are married with a couple of kids. It’s simply not true when you’ve been casually dating for a few weeks. This is the kind of thing that men use to manipulate women into staying because their reason “ isn’t good enough “ .

She can end it for ANY REASON AT ALL.
HE DOESN’T HAVE TO AGREE.
No she does NOT have to adhere to your concept of honesty.

It’s fine to say “ I don’t want to see you anymore, it’s not working for me , I wish you all the best, goodbye “. Then block him and lock down her SM.

Then if he harasses her , she takes the steps at work that PP have outlined.

GlacialLook · 28/02/2025 12:42

Absolutely this, to @FancyRedRobin's post. The clearer the better. And not 'I'm not ready for a physical relationship', just 'This isn't working for me.' She doesn't need to give reasons, and she shouldn't. And she should do it at your house, so there are people around. If necessary she asks her manager to switch her shifts.

Ahsheeit · 28/02/2025 12:43

A text saying "this isn't working for me. I'm breaking it off with you. I won't change my mind. I wish you well" is all that's needed. Any communication after that can be ignored or blocked, with civility at work. She would be prudent to just mention it in an aside to her manager, just in case she needs to avoid working on the same shifts.

Baconking · 28/02/2025 12:50

Agree with pp that she shouldn't give reasons that he can make excuses for she needs to be firm

Personally I would say I've realised I'm not ready to get into a relationship (of any sort, not just physical). Before now, if she has the ick she should have been reducing the contact at least. Why is she still meeting up regularly if she doesn't like him?

You need to teach her how to say no very clearly and to put herself first

Original poster
ASockofFleagulls · 28/02/2025 12:56

FancyRedRobin · 28/02/2025 12:25

No need to be gentle, she needs to be crystal clear. Advice to a girl to be nice to a boy that is trying to dominate her is bad advice and it can be dangerous.
If I had a daughter I'd be teaching her to go through this world knowing her mind and tolerating no shit.

I have taught her this which is exactly why she hasn't lost her virginity to the first person she dates then regrets it as many of her friends sadly have. She says she will know when it's the right person and this is why she isn't happy to do anything with this lad as it does not feel right for her.

I think her main concern with trying to let him down gently is the whole work issue. He has been there much longer than she has and she doesn't want there to be an uncomfortable atmosphere.

If they didn't work together I am certain she would have ended it by now.

OP posts:
Original poster
ASockofFleagulls · 28/02/2025 12:59

Pyjamatimenow · 28/02/2025 12:33

Gross. She’s worth more than this. If she had sex with him he’d prob dump her after and she’d feel like crap.
Just I’m sorry I don’t think we’re compatible. I’m breaking this off. That’s all she needs to say. She will probably need to block him afterwards.

This is exactly what I have told her.

OP posts:
Pyjamatimenow · 28/02/2025 13:00

If it becomes awkward at work she can look for something else. It’s only a weekend job. Not worth the agro

Original poster
ASockofFleagulls · 28/02/2025 13:01

Isobel201 · 28/02/2025 12:37

Is she nearer 17 than 16? Insurance wise for jobs, that's what is making it tough right now. She could volunteer in charity shops, that will at least get her experience that she can note down on a CV.

She needs the money as I currently don't work.

OP posts: