How to advise DD how to end her relationship as gently as possible??

[ASockofFleagulls]

I've never ended a relationship because DH and I have been together since we were 16. He was my first boyfriend.

DD is almost 17. She started a weekend job 4 months ago and became good friends with a boy there. They are the same age.

But in all honesty it's not going too well. She says he seemed really lovely to start and although they do get on well when they chat every night, he has shown some red flags which is putting her (and DH and I) off him.

DD is a virgin still (he says he is too). She told him she isn't quite ready to lose her virginity and doesn't want sex yet. He said he was ok with this yet within a week of this chat he'd purchased condoms, sensible, I suppose but since then every time they meet up he asks if he can bring the condoms. He's also asked her a few times for oral.

He doesn't seem to want to go anywhere other than to ours or his and DD thinks this is because he just wants to get physical.
He has also asked to see her phone a few times as he wants to see who she is taking to and has even tried to get his thumbprint on her phone. This is a huge red flag for me. I don't even look at DH phone and we've been together 35 years.

If they do go anywhere, it's into our local town where he lives and they just sit nursing a Starbucks the whole time, she finds this very boring. He appears to have no money to go out anywhere even though he works at the same place DD does. DD is at an age where she wants to go out and gave fun.

She has wanted to end things for a week or so but doesn't know how to, or how he'll react or how awkward it will be at work if she does end things.

I have told her honesty is always the best route. To explain she realises she is not ready for a physical relationship right now and needs space. She has tried this before and he said he'll back off but the truth is (in her words), "He's now giving me the ick!" I don't think she finds him physically attractive anymore and she says she doesn't want to regret who she loses her virginity to like some of her friends have.

What is the best way for her to approach this, bearing in mind they'll still need to work together?

And yes, lesson of the day.....don't date a work colleague!

DD still hasn't managed to end things so unfortunately it looks as though DH and I will need to get involved.

I had hoped she may be able to do this herself but I feel it is getting out of hand now and frankly it is really troubling me.

DD has been invited to a birthday party this coming weekend. It is the 17th birthday of a boy she went to school with. It will be a group of friends she has know from school, a mix of boys and girls.

This lad dd is seeing is not happy she is going to this party. He says he is concerned that she will drink too much. We are not drinkers at all and the only time dd has had a few drinks was this NYE when she went to a party. This boy went with her. The party was at my son's girlfriend's family home. I was happy for dd to go as DS and his GF were there. DH and I picked them up at 1am. We dropped this lad off, he hadn't drunk at all as his is very much into fitness and health which is fine, it's his body etc. DD had a few but was not blind drunk, just a bit tipsy and was fine the next day.

Since he has found out she is going to this party he keeps going about how she can not handle her drink and how she should not drink like that ever again. He then said he didn't want her getting drunk at this upcoming party and 'going off' with another lad. He then stated that if she did this, he would kill them both. DD asked how he would do that and he said he would beat her to death.

I am fucking fuming and both dh and I have said he is never welcome in our house again. Both dh and ds want to go and talk to this lad but I am afraid it will all blow up. I need dd to break all ties with this boy. I am so stressed caring for my mum andall of this crap is really stressing me now. He comes across as such a polite boy, I have no idea if he is simply saying these things to come across as tough when inside he is just a scared lad (apparently he was bullied at school and doesn't have the best relationship with his mum and stepdad) and at first I felt for him but as each week goes by I am feeling more and more apprehensive and concerned.

We are going to have to step in now, I have given dd enough time to try and manage this herself but I can't see it happening.

good god Op that is so alarming. just wanted to post in sympathy - that yes it sounds like you need to step in at once.

when someone tells you who they are - believe them - as the saying goes.

she is lucky to have you paying attention - I had a relationship a bit like this at uni and no adult ever stepped in to help me.

I wouldn't delay any further. See him immediately, tell him that you are, on your daughter's behalf and with her explicit permission, telling him never to contact her again, and that his deaththreats are likely to be of interest to the police. In fact, I would contact the police. And if her manager can't switch her shifts, she needs to quit the job if she feels unsafe.

I am really alarmed, I know of no men who speak to their partners like this, I feel quite out of my depth with it all.
DH is going to ring him tonight when he gets home. This needs to end.

DH is going to call him tonight. DD is not going to end it, she can't bring herself to do we will take matters into our own hands.

If need be I will also go and chat with her manager to see if she can ensure their shifts don't clash.

It's all so bloody stressful.

Threatening to beat her to death is terrifying. I would be calling the police now.

He also now knows that she will be at this party. In your DH's shoes, I'd be sitting outside all night in a car.

I do think you should go to the police with this. He will gaslight your husband, and the police when / if they make contact with them. If your daughter is registered with them as a potential domestic abuse victim she should get a more immediate response

Why can't your DD 'bring herself to' end it? Is she frightened of him? But she was reluctant to end it before he made this threat of double murder...? Yes, I would go to the police. And yes to one of you staying near the party, if your DD is still planning to go.

And surely this puts him pressuring her for sex, as you described in your OP, into a rather more sinister light?

Whatever else you do, I think you should talk very seriously to your DD about the importance of paying attention to her own feelings, and prioritising her own comfort and safety in all situations.

Wow I can understand why you're worried.

Please do look at the Suzy Lampugh Trust's Website and ring them for advice.

I'd also be talking to her about reporting the threats to kill to the Police.

Is it possible for your husband to take her to and from work for a while? She should definitely ask for different shifts and explain to her manager that she wants to avoid this guy.

I'm not sure tbh. I've asked her but she says she doesn't know, can't explain. She says that she isn't scared of him but she's young and has never encountered this before so I do worry she's being a bit naive about the whole thing. Despite all her friends, my friends and DH, ds, his gf and I all telling her she needs to end it she says she can't.

DD and I are close and we have many conversations about safety etc but I truly thinks she's ok and I'm too much of a worrier but I'm realistic.

DH and I will sort this tonight when he gets home from work.

Thanks. Someone mentioned this further up, we looked at it the other day.

We live rurally so do already take her and collect her. I do the same for college.

Thanks. Someone mentioned this further up, we looked at it the other day

I really would report the threats to kill to the Police too.

Good luck with the conversation tonight. Definitely talk to the police, they should pay him a visit and hopefully scare him off ever speaking to anyone like that again.

Might be worth also speaking to his parents and telling them what he said and tell them that you HAVE contacted the police. (Don't tell them you are going to, so you don't have to have a long debate where they try to talk you out of it).

The police will need to speak to him with his parents there as he is under 18, so it might help if they have a heads up.

This is ridiculous. A 14-year-old child doesn't get to decide whether to end a spurious relationship.

Her parents decide that.

It's in her best interests for it to end. In fact it's absolutely ridiculous for a child to be 'in a relationship" in the first place.

Encouraging and allowing this premature sexuality and romance is piss-poor parenting. And here we have the predictable result, which is going to reverberate negatively throughout her life.

14?!

Re-read my op FFS.

How the hell you could read all of these messages and threats from the boy and NOT go straight to the police is absolutely incomprehensible.

Why are you leaving a child to manage a toxic and dangerous situation? It's not her call. You are the parent, you decide. And why is she still at that job?

This astonishingly passive parenting.

We are going to.

We are going to talk to the police tonight.

I'm glad that you're going to the Police. I hope they take it seriously. Threats to Kill are illegal and should be taken very seriously.

I really feel for your DD. It must be very difficult for her to negotiate this level of abuse so young. Perhaps talk to her when the dust settles a bit about getting out sooner when the Red Flags appear and not staying and hoping for the best. I'd also talk to her about green flags in a relationship.

I feel for you too. Having to deal with all of this when your own DM is so ill much he difficult

That might be what would happen or just as likely if not more, he would keep her on and escalate his controlling abuse.

Oh my god OP I just saw your update about his threats. What the fuck is going on in this boy’s head. He must have been absolutely dragged up.

Definitely the police. He must see that behaviour like that ends in the police. How shocking for you.

She needs to understand that if she's old enough to get into a relationship, she's old enough to end it. Otherwise she shouldn't be in one until she's grown up a bit.

Yes, if someone is threatening to beat your teenager to death it's definitely best to tell them that. 🙄