How to advise DD how to end her relationship as gently as possible??

[ASockofFleagulls]

I've never ended a relationship because DH and I have been together since we were 16. He was my first boyfriend.

DD is almost 17. She started a weekend job 4 months ago and became good friends with a boy there. They are the same age.

But in all honesty it's not going too well. She says he seemed really lovely to start and although they do get on well when they chat every night, he has shown some red flags which is putting her (and DH and I) off him.

DD is a virgin still (he says he is too). She told him she isn't quite ready to lose her virginity and doesn't want sex yet. He said he was ok with this yet within a week of this chat he'd purchased condoms, sensible, I suppose but since then every time they meet up he asks if he can bring the condoms. He's also asked her a few times for oral.

He doesn't seem to want to go anywhere other than to ours or his and DD thinks this is because he just wants to get physical.
He has also asked to see her phone a few times as he wants to see who she is taking to and has even tried to get his thumbprint on her phone. This is a huge red flag for me. I don't even look at DH phone and we've been together 35 years.

If they do go anywhere, it's into our local town where he lives and they just sit nursing a Starbucks the whole time, she finds this very boring. He appears to have no money to go out anywhere even though he works at the same place DD does. DD is at an age where she wants to go out and gave fun.

She has wanted to end things for a week or so but doesn't know how to, or how he'll react or how awkward it will be at work if she does end things.

I have told her honesty is always the best route. To explain she realises she is not ready for a physical relationship right now and needs space. She has tried this before and he said he'll back off but the truth is (in her words), "He's now giving me the ick!" I don't think she finds him physically attractive anymore and she says she doesn't want to regret who she loses her virginity to like some of her friends have.

What is the best way for her to approach this, bearing in mind they'll still need to work together?

And yes, lesson of the day.....don't date a work colleague!

If you have contact with the parents of the boy then I'd definitely make them aware. I'd want to know for sure as its incredibly worrying

You know well enough that I was referring to the comments OP has said multiple times about her DD saying she can't end it and that she doesn't give a reason why she can't, and was not about the threats specifically 🙄

She could go with the I just want to be friends and then slowly cut contact. He will pribably move on quickly if he's after a shag with someone.

or she could tell he she wants to be a nun....

How are things tonight @ASockofFleagulls?

Go to the police. They might even be able to advise you on how to handle this. Don’t assume he is making idle threats. He is physically fit and seeing goodness knows what on the internet.

TinyMouseTheatre

She ended it last night. He has taken it surprisingly well which I find a little disconcerting but hopefully it'll end there.

I have a friend who is an ex-police woman. She has given me a number to call and report to our local station. We will do that tomorrow before college.

That's good news. How is your DD?

Short, sharp and block.

Brian, I don't want to hang out with you anymore. BLOCK.

Very upset last night, spent hours crying. She says she feels really guilty ending it and that she loved their evening chats and now she feels empty. We've chatted a lot today about her feelings over it all and she knows that the things he said were wrong and she must not a celt this kind of behaviour from anyone, she's calmer now.

I really feel for her. I want to keep her wrapped up in cotton wool but I know I can't, these are her life lessons and she'll grow and learn from them but I do wish she was still little. Having teens is hard going!

Get her to watch the latest series of Waterloo Road. There’s a powerful storyline about coercive control with a couple of teens.

We'll take a look, thanks.

Very upset last night, spent hours crying. She says she feels really guilty ending it and that she loved their evening chats and now she feels empty. We've chatted a lot today about her feelings over it all and she knows that the things he said were wrong and she must not a celt this kind of behaviour from anyone, she's calmer now.

A DF's DD has had this recently. After chatting to her about it it became clear that she was grieving the idea of a relationship rather than the actual relationship she had.

I think that helped her see that what she was feeling was pretty normal Vit didn't mean that she should consider taking her ex back.

Yes, I think that's it. I've told her this is a normal human reaction and it'll get easier over the coming days 🤞

Yes, I think that's it. I've told her this is a normal human reaction and it'll get easier over the coming days

Sounds like a very sensible way to explain how she's feeling.

I just hope she stays away from him and his abuse

I was in an abusive relationship from 16-19. I wish someone had stepped in before I was too caught up.

Well done, OP. She's lucky to have your support.