How to advise DD how to end her relationship as gently as possible??

[ASockofFleagulls]

I've never ended a relationship because DH and I have been together since we were 16. He was my first boyfriend.

DD is almost 17. She started a weekend job 4 months ago and became good friends with a boy there. They are the same age.

But in all honesty it's not going too well. She says he seemed really lovely to start and although they do get on well when they chat every night, he has shown some red flags which is putting her (and DH and I) off him.

DD is a virgin still (he says he is too). She told him she isn't quite ready to lose her virginity and doesn't want sex yet. He said he was ok with this yet within a week of this chat he'd purchased condoms, sensible, I suppose but since then every time they meet up he asks if he can bring the condoms. He's also asked her a few times for oral.

He doesn't seem to want to go anywhere other than to ours or his and DD thinks this is because he just wants to get physical.
He has also asked to see her phone a few times as he wants to see who she is taking to and has even tried to get his thumbprint on her phone. This is a huge red flag for me. I don't even look at DH phone and we've been together 35 years.

If they do go anywhere, it's into our local town where he lives and they just sit nursing a Starbucks the whole time, she finds this very boring. He appears to have no money to go out anywhere even though he works at the same place DD does. DD is at an age where she wants to go out and gave fun.

She has wanted to end things for a week or so but doesn't know how to, or how he'll react or how awkward it will be at work if she does end things.

I have told her honesty is always the best route. To explain she realises she is not ready for a physical relationship right now and needs space. She has tried this before and he said he'll back off but the truth is (in her words), "He's now giving me the ick!" I don't think she finds him physically attractive anymore and she says she doesn't want to regret who she loses her virginity to like some of her friends have.

What is the best way for her to approach this, bearing in mind they'll still need to work together?

And yes, lesson of the day.....don't date a work colleague!

Thanks everyone. I will pass all of your advice on to dd.

I see. She could start claiming UC once she is out of full time education x

You need to be careful about this. She shouldn’t feel pressured to be in that job if she feels uncomfortable.

I am not pressurising her into anything but she is aware that money is tight atm. She loves fashion and make up and working allows her to treat herself. I simply can't afford to buy any extras as I am caring for my terminal ill mum and not working.
She works in a large store where everyone works shifts so hopefully she can ask the manager for different shifts to his.

• I feel things are moving too fast, I'd like to take a break.

• I'm not ready for a relationship, I think you'd be happier with someone else.

• I'm not available to see you this evening, I'm busy (on repeat).

• Let's see other people, I'm not sure that we are right for each other.

• Let's take a break, we want different things from a relationship and I don't think we are compatible.

She's at college training so hopefully will get a full-time job after, no need to claim benefits!

I didn’t mean you were pressuring her. Sorry if it came over like that. I mean I would be downplaying the importance of the job to her. You want her away from the boy who is in fact pressuring her into sex and tbh could react badly to the rejection. Unfortunately a lot of young men and teen boys these days are very entitled and they watch a lot of porn. This one had set his sights on your daughter and that’s not good. It could even end up being dangerous for her. She needs to extricate herself very quickly from the situation

I'm not ready for the sort of relationship you want. You are making me feel pressured and your constant checking on who I talk to and what I do is controlling and it's not on.

I have no intention of having sex with anyone until I am in a long term and committed relationship.
I have no intention of having sex with anyone right now. I want to finish college and go to university and I am not risking a pregnancy.

Clearly you are ready for a physical relationship and I think you'd be happier with someone else.
It's not personal, we're just at different points in our lives. I hope we can continue to work together without any issues.

Then "No, that doesn't work for me" to any suggestions of alternatives.

The alternative is that she makes herself completely unavailable on the basis that she is supporting you and her grandmother.

She has tried this before and he said he'll back off but the truth is (in her words), "He's now giving me the ick!"

Are they actually IN a relationship? She can just stop seeing him outside of work, and tell him that they aren't a couple, and that she doesn't want to do the same things he does so there seems little point in hanging out together going forward.

I’d advise her to say as little as possible. Keep it bland and definitely don’t go into lengthy explanations that he can respond to and drag it out. “I’ve decided I don’t want to be in a relationship right now but thanks for the good times” type messaging. Then grey rock and don’t deviate from that message if he tries to change her mind over the coming weeks. Least said, soonest put to bed, so to speak.

I agree with that. I know it's considered good manners to say it in person, but personally I'd have preferred being told by text when i was at home and could get over it in private at that age. Especially as I could reply with a sarcastic thumbs up!

IF she gives him reasons , he will argue that they are wrong / she’s too uptight / too sensitive. Or that he will stop it / change .

You are controlling

oh so you do have something to hide!
so you are seeing other boys !
if you were innocent you would have nothing to hide

or

you are right , I promised I will stop it , give me another chance
everyone makes mistakes
you are not so perfect yourself
its just because I care for you so much
what we have is so special I don’t what to lose you
it’s just because my last Gf cheated on me / my dad left when i was 7 / my gran died and I’m scared of losing anyone I love
I thought you were a kind person who would undertand
you are so privileged you can’t undertand

you owe me another chance to make it up to you

Please don't have her use the words' take a break'. She needs to be firm and final.

I like @ThimbleT 's response - 'I’ve decided I don’t want to be in a relationship right now but thanks for the good times” - maybe adding something like 'see you on Saturday at work'. The block and only communicate at work about work stuff. It'll be awkward for a shift or two. Any problems then she needs to go to her manager (with evidence) that she needs to change shifts/departments/he's hassling her.

Maybe this is a lesson about workplace relationships!

yes I really agree with this.

Clear, straight and simple.
I don't want to go out with you anymore.
So I am finishing this now.

She can soften it with sorry to be blunt, or I don't want to hurt your feelings but the message must be clear..

T

How would you feel if she used your mum being ill as an excuse (I know that sounds awful OP, sorry you are having to deal with that)

Just "Sorry Ick bloke, but due to family circumstances I can't be in a relationship for now, as GM is ill I need to be available to support family"

I know it's awful, I know she shouldn't have to use such an excuse, but it may be a neat way of dealing with this without making her work life difficult.

@ASockofFleagulls sorry to hear about your mum. Are you claiming carers allowance to help you with this.

You sound like you've a great relationship with your daughter and she does sound sensible and level headed. Hope some of the suggestions in here will work

www.suzylamplugh.org/pages/category/national-stalking-helpline

I'm not saying your daughter will be stalked by him but he sounds massively controlling. Your daughter and you should contact the above helpline to ask what to do in this situation as he could progress.

I had a similar situation with my work colleague as he stalked me so I ended up leaving the company to safeguard myself. Blanking someone isn't necessary the best advice as some victims have been murdered when given that advice. Call the helpline. Chat to them and see what they advise.

I'm so sorry you're going through this whilst your mother is dying. Sending you strength at this difficult time.

‘I am not ready for a relationship, I think it would be best if we go back to being friends’ and tell him she will see him at the next work shift: tell her not to wait around for him to ask questions etc just make it super brief.

She should be polite and civil - any issues at all she should warn him
that she expects him to be mature or she will have no choice but to seek support from the manager.

Tell your dd to embrace the experience, it’s good experience for her! 💪🏻💪🏻

This is such a good thread, the advice about being kind but very clear is excellent. And I will be sharing with my DD.

At 16 there is no way you stay in a relationship with anyone who gives you any kind of ick (actually I'm not sure any relationship survives that, I don't mean not wanting to rip each other clothes off any more but actually finding something about them repellent).
This is where you learn what a good relationship is like.

I agree with others, your daughter needs to be crystal clear, so he absolutely understands the relationship is ending. Any kind of ambiguity, would end up causing your daughter more problems. It's clear that the young lad, has boundary issues, and is pushing for sex as well as controlling behaviour. Your daughter is absolutely right to be wanting to end the relationship. If it was me, I would say that she goes down the path of 'we clearly want different things, and I think it's best we don't have a relationship any more'. If she feels that he's not taken the news well etc, she needs to tell her line manager, so they can perhaps arrange opposite shifts, to each other.

Thanks. You I am claiming CA for the time being.

Being on the end of some of these conversations as a young man many years ago, I've had every break up story you can imagine from "you're too nice for me" to "I want an open relationship" to "we can still be friends".

None of them really made sense so just go with the one that can't be changed "I don't fancy you anymore". If I'd heard that as a young man I'd be devastated but there is no coming back from it

Rip the band aid off.

I agree with being clear, plus I'd also avoid using the words 'right now' as this could give him hope for the future.

She should keep it short and just she no longer feels the same way and is ending the relationship because it is not right for her.
She doesn’t need to justify her feelings or get into a long discussion about why with him denying things or saying he won’t do it again. If he pushes, she can say I made my decision.

At work she could keep things minimal. I don’t know what she does but it might be worth her having a quiet word with her boss and asking if at all possible for a few weeks and it is not too inconvenient if they could have separate shift/days/ areas – you will know if this is too much to expect someone to accommodate.

Although not great for him I would suggest she finish things from your house – that way he cannot kick off, hang about for ages and you are on hand.

Id suggest she say something like 'im really sorry but this isnt working for me. Im just not feeling it. Sorry'

Short and sweet.