DS17 girlfriend wants to split up. He's devastated

[tattoonewbie]

This might be outing but I'm desperate to know what to do. It's been up and down since almost day one. I fear he likes her more than she him. He's convinced he must save the relationship all costs. She's at work and he's gone over to her house to drop off his beautiful valentine gifts. Personalised thoughtful things. My heart is breaking for him.
I have to just be here don't I ? He wants to see her mum and tell her to get her daughter to not ditch him. She told him she wants it to end yesterday but he's begged for a second chance. He can't accept she's saying it's over. I've threatened to block his phone by reporting it stolen. We were awake consoling him until early hours. He was sick with the upset. I'm deeply concerned for his wellbeing. He's seeing a counsellor. Do I take him to GP ? He just keeps saying they can make it work. It's his first girlfriend. He has a levels and in real danger of a crisis and messing up. It's breaking me. Please don't come at me with how he can't force it etc. I know this. But it's hard to physically and digitally keep them apart if she hasn't yet officially said it's finished. I think he's better than being dangled on this string but is so besotted he'll do anything to keep her. Young love hits hard but is so hard to know what to do. I'm peri with ageing parents and am so tired and very anxious. I'm on antidepressants and fear he's I got the worst of my genes tonight. Can't see his worth and be dignified and bow out. It's so so hard. Anyone got a hand hold or advice/ experience? I don't want to push him away

You need to gently tell him that “I want to break up” is a dumping.

Yes to take him to the gp. The rest of this behaviour is not on - she should be free to leave a relationship safely and calmly if that’s what she wants.

Trying to contact her at all hours/go through her mum is the sort of behave she could choose to discuss with the police.

You need to have a calm and rational conversation with him - he may feel like the world is ending but he needs to respect the decision she has made. I guess you physically couldn’t stop him going to her house to leave the gifts, but it wasn’t a good idea when you’ve been told that your relationship is over. Try and encourage him to throw his energies into his school work and to speak to his counsellor about how to manage his feelings. Sounds like he has a bit of an issue with regulating his emotions? Anything nice you could do with him to take his mind off things for a while? Meal out and the cinema? Or takeaway and something on television? And yes a trip to the GP might be in order if he doesn’t see the light in the next day or two. I know someone whose ex went through their mum to try and get him back… and they were in their 30s, so you don’t want this behaviour to continue, it’s not right. He just needs to be able to see that, respect the choice she has made as well as her boundaries.

At 17 you shouldn’t be physically stopping him from doing these things. He’s almost an adult. Just talk through legal consequences, as well as that putting her under pressure is likely to make things worse, and be there to pick up the pieces of heartbreak: chocolate, chats etc

She's already told him that she wants to break up. It's over.

You just need to be there for him and explain that if she wants to end it then he has to respect that.

My daughter was in a similar position with her first boyfriend, he just wouldn't accept that she wanted to finish with him and kept coming round plying her with flowers and gifts, which quite frankly put her off him even more (he was a lovely lad). He's rather early taking valentine's gifts round for her. Her Mum is going to take her side and is not likely to encourage her daughter to continue to see him.

If he has a counsellor then he should make an appointment to see them

Watching your child go through heartbreak is really hard but at 17 he will have a lot more to come in one way or another. I can recall listening to my own DC's crying themselves to sleep as teenagers and adults. I have had more than one mother tell me that my child had devastated theirs.

He will build resilience from this but he also needs to learn respect and keep his distance, seriously he needs to know that he has to stop pestering her or her family. Hopefully next time will be easier.

Sometimes I have wished I could take the burden of my child's pain so I dont underestimate your anguish.

I'd split the conversation into two things - firstly, as other posters have said, he needs to stop behaving in way that could land him in trouble with the police, and secondly - that first-time heartbreak is unbearable but a) everyone survives it and b) from experience, as a female who has been ditched and done the ditching, a boyfriend refusing to accept it's over is one sure-fire way to ensure that she will run even faster and harder away. On the other hand, an ex who accepts the break up with good grace can often become more attractive further down the line as a result.

This.

Remind him of everything he's been taught about healthy relationships and consent.

She can dump him for any reason she likes. He needs to maturely move on. It's ok for him to be upset but it's not ok to hassle her or her mum.

Seek counselling & GP support immediate if this doesn't seem to happen - he needs help to mature into a decent bloke who respects women and their choices. This situation could be make or break for him.

Teenage heartbreak hurts, but all you can do is be there and remind him how to behave with dignity.

He needs to step back and leave her alone. Pleading and crying just makes it a million times worse. My sister had a boyfriend when they were this age do the same, presents/begging etc it was mortifying and upsetting for our whole family as we felt so sorry for him but my poor sister just did not want to be with him anymore.

Sorry but most of us have been dumped at this age. You just have to take it on the chin. Its practically part of the human condition. I think as a parent you need to be sympathetic but also a little "pull yourself together" entering into the drama with them doesn't help.

You're so of course right and I appreciate the fast replies. You've made me cry all over again. I've already said he has to respect boundaries and if he continued unwanted contact it is an offence. That his hard so I hope he's listened. I want the girl to tell him directly and asap it's over and block him. It's harsh for the best bit she's lovely and I don't know if she will. I'll speak to him again when he's back and try to calmly tell him it could be seen as unwanted inappropriate attention and now has to stop.lll get him to call counsellor. He has access to counsellors 24/7 but not always the same one. He has 4 sessions left. After that I will pay if needed

Its really hard to see them hurting but you need to remain rational , empathise and show you have faith in him to accept this and carry on .If it was the right person for him this wouldn't be happening . He can't make someone stay with him and you need to guide him away from his efforts to save this and focus on the future.

Oh, OP this is so hard (been there with my ds). Just cuddle him, love him, reassure him that heartbreak is part of life for everyone. Reassure him that life won’t always feel the way it does at the moment. Reassure him that he’ll always have his family. Maybe plan a day out or a holiday.

I came across this recently and sent it to my dc as I think it’s important to know, at that age, how inevitable it is that life will be tough at times (I’m sure you have read it before, it’s often posted on sm):

’Life is amazing.
And then it's awful.
And then it's amazing again.
And in between the amazing and awful it's ordinary and mundane and routine.
Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale during the ordinary. That's just living heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life.
And it's breathtakingly beautiful.’

LR Knost

You say…

But it's hard to physically and digitally keep them apart if she hasn't yet officially said it's finished.

But then you also say…
**
She told him she wants it to end yesterday but he's begged for a second chance. He can't accept she's saying it's over.

She has ended it. He needs to stop going to her house and dropping off unwanted valentines gifts. Please acknowledge your sons feelings and tell him you know how hard it is, but he absolutely needs to leave this girl alone now.

Tell him he mustn't keep trying to contact her or speak to her mum/family/mates.
That he needs to respect the fact she's ended it. Sad as it seems, tell him it will get better. That you're not usually meant to stay with your teenage b/gf for the rest of your life. Hopefully he's learned something. So just be supportive, try and distract him with something if you think he'd be up for family time.
If he needs to speak to a counsellor I'd hope you'd offer to fund it, or get him to see the GP. He's not alone in feeling this sadness, but it will improve and life will go on.

As others have said, you need to underline to him that he must not harass her - it is criminal.

That said, it is very sad and horrible to get dumped by someone you are besotted with. I would say that directly to him and tell him you understand why he feels this way and how devastating it is to be blindsided like this. That you are always there for him and that he should focus on looking after himself.

Your son's girlfriend has more it less told your son, that she no longer wants to date him. You need to have a calm, honest conversation with him. Taking presents to her house, begging her and trying to enlist her Mum is all unwanted behaviour. Unwanted behaviour, could end up being classed as stalking and have the police involved. In all honesty, it's also behaviour that would make a young woman feel overwhelmed, out of her depth and run for the hills. Your son needs to understand that this young woman has made a decision, that he has to not only accept but respect. She is perfectly entitled to end the relationship, and not feel she must continue with it, to please your son. I think an appointment with his counsellor is an absolute must. Hopefully he can talk through his emotions with a professional, and it will make him see also that your advice is also correct. Sometimes, an outside person, can make a person see sense, more than family because they're too emotionally involved. I know it's hard when a first serious relationship ends, we've all been there as teens. It's equally hard on parents, because we want to rush in and take away the heartbreak, but sadly we can't.

As you said and I'm sure you already know op, you just need to be there, acknowledge how hard it is when relationships end. Maybe share your own experiences if appropriate?

Allow him a safe space to express his grief or anger or whatever he is feeling.

I was the girl doing the breaking up in this situation at the same age. I still feel awful for how badly it hurt him at the time, but it allowed him to find someone who made him happy in the end.

I feel for you- it's heartbreaking to witness. Your role here is simply to provide a space of safety, empathy and comfort. And of course, as you have already, ensure he is respecting her boundaries.

Begging, crying and stalking is likely to put her off even more!

I know you hate to see your son with a broken heart, but with support and guidance, he'll get through it.

You can't keep them apart and nor is it your place to do so. You've advised him what the ramifications of unwanted attention could be, and that's enough. Blocking his phone so they can't contact is insane!

He's nearly an adult. You can't protect him from being hurt. Future relationships will break down more likely than not. All you can do is give him a shoulder to cry on, tell him everything will be OK and give advice and empathy.

He's not going to push you away, as long as you don't let yourself get involved beyond just being there for him.

Deep breath, bring calm, don't join the drama.

I want the girl to tell him directly and asap it's over and block him

You can’t influence her. However this may well be her trying to manage his overreaction - not saying it’s final because his behaviour is intimidating or she lacks maturity. It sounds like it is definitely over and he needs to step away.

Alternatively she is playing an unhealthy game and he should step away for his own wellbeing in that case.

Well give him some time to get over it. He does have to process his feelings. I know it's hard to watch.

We had the same thing with ds1 (29) when he was 17. They had been going out for 18 months and in the end, his GF was not kind and strung him along, saying that her parents were keeping her in to study, when she was, in fact, seeing another boy from their friendship group. He was devastated and I later found out that he made a bit of a fool of himself chasing after her trying to get her back. Her father blanks me to this day!

It’s very difficult and you can only be there for them. It’s good that he has access to a counsellor. I would encourage him to talk to them. Ds (obviously) got over it eventually, although it took a while and there’s no convincing them that this is all quite normal at their ages.

Can you not try to divert his attention to other things? Spoil him with outings and try to get him to friends and any parties? Throw money at him with interesting and good events to show him he can still enjoy life and let him know how important he is..

You are contradicting yourself, she said it was over / she didn't. He sounds overwhelming. Why is he dropping off Valentines gifts in January?

All you can do is let it play out.