DS17 girlfriend wants to split up. He's devastated

[tattoonewbie]

This might be outing but I'm desperate to know what to do. It's been up and down since almost day one. I fear he likes her more than she him. He's convinced he must save the relationship all costs. She's at work and he's gone over to her house to drop off his beautiful valentine gifts. Personalised thoughtful things. My heart is breaking for him.
I have to just be here don't I ? He wants to see her mum and tell her to get her daughter to not ditch him. She told him she wants it to end yesterday but he's begged for a second chance. He can't accept she's saying it's over. I've threatened to block his phone by reporting it stolen. We were awake consoling him until early hours. He was sick with the upset. I'm deeply concerned for his wellbeing. He's seeing a counsellor. Do I take him to GP ? He just keeps saying they can make it work. It's his first girlfriend. He has a levels and in real danger of a crisis and messing up. It's breaking me. Please don't come at me with how he can't force it etc. I know this. But it's hard to physically and digitally keep them apart if she hasn't yet officially said it's finished. I think he's better than being dangled on this string but is so besotted he'll do anything to keep her. Young love hits hard but is so hard to know what to do. I'm peri with ageing parents and am so tired and very anxious. I'm on antidepressants and fear he's I got the worst of my genes tonight. Can't see his worth and be dignified and bow out. It's so so hard. Anyone got a hand hold or advice/ experience? I don't want to push him away

She has said this because she's trying to let him down gently, probably because she's afraid he would do something stupid if she were to just spit it out.

Or he's really delusional and just making stuff up to justify continued pestering.

Fucking hell...

I don't know much about the female mind because I'm a man,but I'm pretty sure that's some messed up thinking you got there.do you really think a 17 year old girl is enjoying causing someone heartbreak.

Your post is deeply concerning

My daughter had an awful break up with her boyfriend of 18 months just before her GCSEs. She managed some good grades, and now has a lovely new boyfriend who is so much better for her than the first. It was heartbreaking at the time, and for a long time afterwards, she had therapy too, but it was definitely the right thing to happen.

I’ve had this from the other side. My child split with their partner - tried to let them down gently which is probably what this girl is doing - and they couldn’t accept it. Their mum actually messaged my child and asked them to reconsider. It caused a lot of anxiety for my child. Nobody wants to be unkind. You can’t force feelings if they are not there. I do sympathise with you though. It’s awful when your child is so unhappy. You know what they say - a mother is only as happy as her least happy child. It is hard to make them realise that things pass and in even a few weeks time they will feel better.

it's hard to physically and digitally keep them apart if she hasn't yet officially said it's finished. I think he's better than being dangled on this string

What are you talking about ?
You said

She told him she wants it to end yesterday

So how is he being "dangled on a string" ?
"I want to finish this relationship" is pretty clear, however much it might not be something you want to hear.

^She's at work and he's gone over to her house to drop off his beautiful valentine gifts. Personalised thoughtful things. My heart is breaking for him.
I have to just be here don't I ? He wants to see her mum and tell her to get her daughter to not ditch him^

You really need to make it very clear to him how bad an idea this was, and then be very clear about how he needs to respect someone saying they don't want a relationship to him means they don't want a relationship with him.

Obviously we don't know why he is having counselling and what issues he has with his mental health, but whether he listens to you, his Dad, his counsellor or somebody else, somebody needs to get through to him his behaviour is worrying.

I know it's worrying behaviour. I told him not to go. A friend took him. I've told him it is over. I'll speak again this morning. I've been very direct. I'm incredibly concerned he has so little dignity. There has been an element of "I want to make it work but ..." from the GF but she's probably just not strong enough to directly end it. I've told him to back off and stay away from her now altogether. No chats no messages. And screen shot the poster who has given me a nice framework for a script. Thank you all. I'm backing out now to implement all of this advice.

OP yeah the "I want to make it work" part is confusing your son. You need to reinforce that if someone wants to make it work they will, this girl's actions are not matching her words.

I had this when I was a teenager as well "let's have an open relationship" and it really messed my head up. Doing the Chump pick me dance.

Your son just needs to go no contact, of his own free will. Plenty more fish in the sea.

I totally agree with this and couldn't have said it better myself. It's absolutely torturous as a mum to see your son or daughter's heartbreak after a 'dumping'. Last time this happened was particularly grim with my daighter sobbing day and night for 3 days straight 💔

In saying that I strongly encouraged mine to cut all contact. To respect their choice but also preserve dignity, this is really important.
Beyond this, nothing else to advise apart from ... it will get better but he will heal faster of he cuts all contact and accepts her decision now.

Your son is already having counselling and has 24/7 access to support, so I assume there are more longstanding issues there than teenage heartbreak. Definitely encourage him to talk to his support.

It is so difficult when life feels out of control and someone else is making choices that don’t fit with yours.

When my marriage ended I struggled and tried to cling on to my husband, the loss of choice excruciating. It physically hurt. I did things that were crazy, including hanging on to his car as he drove away, standing in front of it at times to stop him. Really dangerous stuff, but I just wanted him to be with me.

Support your son as you are, help him maintain the boundaries. Talk to him about everyone having a freedom of choice. Time will help.

He’s basically stalking her at this point and needs to realise no means no.

My Grandmother would have said
Never chase after a boy (or in this case girl!) or a bus. Because there’s always another in 15 minutes.

Ah the heartbreak of a first love. They have to navigate situations like this and learn from them moving forward. Don’t get involved or give advice unless you’re asked. We can’t write a script for their lives. It’s things like this that form the character: experiencing disappointment and loving someone who no longer loves us back. He’ll be ok x

It’s horrible being on the other end of you are a vaguely kind person. I remember telling a boyfriend I was ending it because I was too busy at work. His response was that’s fine I don’t mind I can meet you afterwards etc. I remember thinking “please take the hint don’t make me say it”. Truth was he was extremely dull and wet but how on earth can you say that to someone?

In all seriousness;... what do you think your GP is going to do??
Medicate him over a break up?
Thats not going to happen. Its life.
Just be his mum and be there forthim.

He wants to see her mum and tell her to get her daughter to not ditch him

Ok you need to sit him down and have a serious conversation about boundaries, harassment and coercion.

For starters trying to get her mother involved is manipulative. The girl is old enough to make decisions herself and should not be subject to her parents persuadjng her to continue a relationship she's said no to. That's not respecting her boundaries. If he starts trying to contact the mum or daughter when she's said no, he's a risk of being accused of harassment.

He needs to get over himself. No means no and his attitude is both immature and unhealthy. He can not have everything he wants.

Do not treat him softly on this. He's old enough to understand and going softly does not get the message across about how seriously off his behaviour is.

You get he's upset, and you are sympathetic about that. But the rest of it? Nope not ok. Remotely.

Just be there for him. Do also tell him she's ended it and he cannot make her change her mind through unacceptable behaviour.

Remind him the feelings will pass.

I'm curious has the ex given a reason as to why she wants to break up?

In these cases where the guy is a "lovely lad" why does the girl end it with him? I've never been in this situation before, so I don't know.

Oh come on @Flddncw

Nobody has to give a reason.
How is it going to help his feelings if she said "I don't want to go out with you any more because..... then insert boring / weird / unhygienic / rude / dull / tight / etc etc or I've met someone else..... or I'd rather spend time doing homework than spend it with you ......" or whatever other reason, or combination of reasons ? Particularly as he is clearly somewhat fragile.

It doesn't.

It isn't working for her, so she has said so. End of.

In these cases where the guy is a "lovely lad" why does the girl end it with him?
You can't be serious ?
I mean, aside from the fact we obviously have no idea if he is a "lovely lad" or not, I know dozens upon dozens of people I could describe as being "a lovely lad", but that doesn't mean I would want to go out with them.

What an odd thing to say.

He needs to get a grip. There isn't that much you can do except be sympathetic. He shouldn't be calling at her house and being a nuisance.

Surely @Flddncw you’ve met lots of perfectly lovely peolle you wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with?!

Yes yes. But I've only ever been with DH relationship wise. So I wonder about what it's like as a teenager like someone, date them and then break up with them even if they are "nice".

She's only wavering because he's in such a state. She wants to end things and he needs to respect that.

He's got to stop the begging and get some self respect however hard it is.

Poor girl is coping with a lifetime of 'be nice, be kind' female socialisation, and has not been taught how to say a firm clear No.

She's told him in the only words she can find - so he's hearing Maybe.

And he's coping with a lifetime of male socialisation 'persevere, they say no when they mean yes, you have to keep trying or she'll think you're weak'.

He needs to understand he mustn't tip over into harassing stalking behaviour - she and her mum are probably quite frightened now. Is he bigger and stronger than her?