DS17 girlfriend wants to split up. He's devastated

[tattoonewbie]

This might be outing but I'm desperate to know what to do. It's been up and down since almost day one. I fear he likes her more than she him. He's convinced he must save the relationship all costs. She's at work and he's gone over to her house to drop off his beautiful valentine gifts. Personalised thoughtful things. My heart is breaking for him.
I have to just be here don't I ? He wants to see her mum and tell her to get her daughter to not ditch him. She told him she wants it to end yesterday but he's begged for a second chance. He can't accept she's saying it's over. I've threatened to block his phone by reporting it stolen. We were awake consoling him until early hours. He was sick with the upset. I'm deeply concerned for his wellbeing. He's seeing a counsellor. Do I take him to GP ? He just keeps saying they can make it work. It's his first girlfriend. He has a levels and in real danger of a crisis and messing up. It's breaking me. Please don't come at me with how he can't force it etc. I know this. But it's hard to physically and digitally keep them apart if she hasn't yet officially said it's finished. I think he's better than being dangled on this string but is so besotted he'll do anything to keep her. Young love hits hard but is so hard to know what to do. I'm peri with ageing parents and am so tired and very anxious. I'm on antidepressants and fear he's I got the worst of my genes tonight. Can't see his worth and be dignified and bow out. It's so so hard. Anyone got a hand hold or advice/ experience? I don't want to push him away

@JustKeepSwimmingJust you've nailed it and I don't know which it is. I've told him to step away and respect her wishes but he says she has said tonight she's not sure I wish it would just end and he and she can move on.
Please believe me I have told him he cannot become a harassing party as it's very wrong and dangerous path

Tell him he can get a criminal record if he won’t leave her alone. My friends DS is a police officer and loads of his time is spent on people behaving awfully after a break up.

My Dd is on the receiving end of this - her boyfriend ‘won’t let her’ break up with him. Sounds like your son is talking to you so be firm about what is appropriate here.

Who can get through to him? She has said she wants to end it. It’s awful but a life lesson. Most of us were there. He needs to rein it in or he could end up behaving in a way that is perceived as harassment. So sorry you are going through this

I agree with this.
He needs to understand 'I want to break up' means they HAVE broken up.
The relationship not something he can 'fight for', it no longer exists. what he's doing is harassing his ex.

That is worrying. All this supposed education about consent and these boys seem to understand it less than decades ago.

Also they are so much bigger than the girls it can be intimidating however well meant

oh dear! _Its awful when your kids hurt /heartache.
Its positive hes expressing how he feels.I think ,whilst you empathsize, You really are duty bound to keep it real. His feelings are real and valid. So his exgirlfriends.
Realistically "wants to break up" indicates they have.
Much as he may well be devestated and desperately doesnt want to-shes not gonna appreciate big emotional displays and pleading via mum.
Try encourage him too praps write it out-ie journal his thoughts\feelings BUT not share them with her\mum.
Its early days so tears,no appetite-general down is to be expected. Cunsellr helpful-it kinda is a process tho.Remind him of all his positive qualities,after week or two maybe try focus on having an aim,improvement(paint bedroom?)or a look forward to goal-holiday?

I think you need to work in his confidence and stop thinking about what she needs to do.

Turn it round, my daughters boyfriend doesn't know what he wants, one minute he's there next minute he wants to break up. She's devastated and had bought him all these lovely gifts.

Everyone would be saying ditch him, stand up for your daughter.

Tell him that. Tell him she has asked for space so leave it. If she was the one that wouldn't be happening. As others have said he is far more likely to be charged with Harassment even if she is messing him around.

I can't see how she's playing an unhealthy game or dangling him on a string.

She's told him it's over. That's what you said.

Then he begged for a second chance. Poor lass was probably 'being kind'.

My dd has also been on the receiving end of this. It was awful. Being emotionally blackmailed and he was contacting all of her friends pleading his case. This all happened in the summer and now he's in counselling.

This must be so hard. I think you've had great advice on how to handle it. I think another view is to try and build him up and try and make him see that he deserves to be with someone who is 100% all in and that he shouldn't settle for less than that. It's not a reflection on her, but a reflection on the fact that they're not both on the same page with what they want right now. You sound like a lovely mum, he will get over this, but it will just take a little while. And

You need to tell him kindly but firmly that, as painful as it is, he needs to leave her alone as she's asked him to, otherwise he's harrassing her - and of course just be there for him.

Harassing and guilt tripping her is wrong. He needs to accept her decision, grieve and move on.

Can you take him away for a few days holidays, it might be good to get a change of environment and away from her.
I really feel for him❤️, Valentine’s Day will be tough so maybe plan on being away for that or do something special on that day

Son, listen. I know how hard this is. I’ve been through it myself (I’m sure you have) but you cannot or should not ever have to convince anyone to be with you. As hard as it feels, cry to me, to your dad, cry to your mates, cry into your pillow but she is not the right person to divulge your feelings too at the moment.

Trust me when I say, in 5 years you wont care like you do today, but you may regret losing your dignity, that will be the hardest thing to get over as hard as that is to believe right now. Please don’t let your pride cloud your judgment, the absolute best thing you can do for yourself right now is to give her space and try your very best to just take it a day at a time, being kind to yourself. We’re here whenever you need us.

This is just beyond belief.
How is he going to cope with real life?

Don't be so fucking ridiculous. He's 17 and heartbroken. Nearly all art, music and literature are based on how he's feeling. He's just a kid in love.

Thankfully the rest of the posts are helpful on this thread.

Aw God I feel for your son OP because that was me at 16, 17, 18, 19 etc.

Always convinced they are the one and you'll never get better.

I remember my mum telling me when I was doing all the chasing, trying to convince parents, brothers and friends to "have a word for me" that she wished she'd just tied me to a chair.

Looking back, I wish she'd tied me to a chair.

Now I have my own kids I think I'll approach it differently when the time comes. If they can be the best version of themselves they won't need to worry about who wants to be with them. The right one will always find you.

Their heart will still break but I'll be there for them.

My wife always jokes she's never been dumped so all this emotional load will be on me. Hope I don't fuck it up but probably will.

I appreciate you're upset, I'm not trying to be harsh, but think about it - why should she block him? I don't think that's normal interpersonal behaviour and if you are saying that to him it's a subtle message of 'she needs to control how you behave because you can't'. That is not ok at all. If she needs to block him then things are very wrong in my view.

It's so hard when your children are broken. DH and I once drove 3 hours in the middle of the night to bring one of ours home from uni after a particularly hard landing. As a mum you want to fix things and it's tough when the issue isn't one that can be mended.

Does he have good friends? After the initial shock, spending time doing things with people his own age could distract him and make him feel valued. You might actually end up being shocked if he meets someone else sooner than you expect.

Knowing a female mind, if he knuckled down on his school work and showed a colder shoulder she'd probably want him back!!! She might just think she holds all the cards and is enjoying playing them, he needs the strength to play some of his own. This could work out but he needs to know his own self worth to get her respect.

I agree with @Jollyjoy , I don't know why you think she should block him. He needs to learn to respect other people's wishes. He shouldn't be taking gifts to someone who has said they wish to end a relationship. I was dumped at 17 before my a levels and devastated. I was in floods of tears and expected my mum to console me and sympathise etc. In fact she was furious (with the lad who dumped me about 3 weeks before my exams). Her fury and concern that I'd mess up my exams over a teenage romance sort of shocked me out of it. And I cracked on and got top grades. You can empathise a bit too much sometimes...

You need to tell him that no one can make anyone else like, love or do something.
He can’t be persuaded to fall in love with the last girl he’d fancy anymore than this girl can be made to want to be with him.
He has to understand that no matter how hard.
By not listening to her, she’ll be getting more creeped out by him and any remaining good feeling toward him will be fading fast and she’ll end up hating him.
If he continues to pursue her, he could end up in front of the police for harassment.
She’s probably appearing to be leading him on because he’s pleading with her and out of desperation for him to stop hassling her, she’s letting him think they’ll get back together. She’s young too and probably a bit scared of him no and taking the line of least resistance- for today!
Let him to read this thread. New emotions like love and then heartbreak are as amazing as they are awful, it’s part of life and he needs to love, grieve and learn to respect both himself and others.

Watching your teen experience rejection like that is hard.

Watching your teen turn into a near stalker is something you shouldn't have to do all the same.

Sit him down and remind him no means no and that he can't force this teen girl to want to be with him.

He needs to stop being a pest because (1) it won't work, and (2) he's making a fool of himself at least and coming across as every teenage girl and her parents' nightmare at worst.

Shes told him it's over. She doesn't have to keep telling him

Can you take him out and distract him a bit. Remind him that there is more to the world than this? Can his friends take him out and cheer him up?